Thursday, January 15, 2009

I can see 30 from here

My birthday was on Tuesday.

I turned 29.

Besides Christmas (the whole season), my birthday is my favorite holiday.

It was one of the worst birthdays on record.

I woke in a foul mood, as I am wont to do after days without decent sleep, to a husband who was being a total jackass. And I let him know it too. Work proceeded to be just as crappy as the morning had started and by the time I got home I was in a pretty terrible mood.

There was one thing that could still redeem the day and I had been looking forward to it

On my birthday I don't cook or do the dishes, that is the rule. I don't care if we go out or we eat mac n cheese, as long as I don't have to make it or clean up after it, it is the best meal ever. I walked into the kitchen from the garage and immediately my blood boiled and I was so ticked. The kitchen was trashed (from the previous TWO nights dishes as I cook and the Mr. cleans, supposedly) and he asked ME what was for dinner. AND he was still in his pajamas (he works nights and sleeps days so really, not as lazy as that made him sound)!

So while I cooked and started cleaning the kitchen he sat there and stared at me. Never once did he offer to help clean or cook dinner, or take me out so I wouldn't have to. I cannot even begin to describe how livid I was.

Then came the card. I'm not sure if I've shared this story before but two years ago on my birthday he gave me a card. And on the cover of this card was a couple holding hands and walking along the beach. How romantic, no? But my reaction was not what he had intended, nor hoped for I'm sure. I threw the card down and looked absolutely irate. He was totally perplexed until I held the card up and read it to him.

To my big, strong, black, beautiful woman.

Now, does anyone else see why I would be a tad bit upset by this? And really, it's not the fact of the wording, it's not even the fact that the couple on the cover were black. HE NEVER LOOKED AT THE CARD IN THE STORE. HE GRABBED IT AND LEFT***. He did admit he never looked at it after I confronted him and my 27th birthday was miserable. And we were on a trip, with friends. Very AWKWARD.

Back to the card. After that I told him he better be sure to at least read the cards he bought. S this year it never crossed my mind. I read this beautiful card about how this man loved his woman so much and how her soft, brown toned voice made him feel secure. I had to read that last sentence a few times to figure out what was wrong with it. Brown tones. Brown tones? So I turn the card over and ... you guessed it! It was a Mahogany card, Hall **marks African-American line of greeting cards.

I lost it. I threw the card at him and probably louder than I intended said some very un-Christianly four letter words and suggested he never buy me a card again. The rest of the night was spent in total silence.

He apologized. And I don't know if I'm ready to accept it yet. He still has not asked if there is anything he can do to make up for my horrendous birthday. I even told him I wanted a do-over and he laughed at me.

I know this must make me sound like a total spoiled brat, but I don't ask for much from my husband. I don't ask for gifts for my birthday (I can't remember the last time we did birthday presents) and I never ask him to cook. It's my one day a year that is just about me, not about anyone else and he just doesn't get it. And it doesn't help that I'm low on sleep and short on nerves and very much frayed.

Re-reading all of this still makes me want to cry two days later. I'm still angry and he is still being a jerk. I hate this. Someday it will get better, I know that. But someday seems really, really far away.

***lest anyone think I am racist, I am not. anyone would be upset because their husband was so inconsiderate as to even READ THE DAMN card before buying it.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009



Since I hadn't heard from our agency as of 1:30 yesterday (I left a message on Friday people! How hard is it to pick up the phone?) I decided to call the local pregnancy worker and she what she had to say.

She was very excited and had actually heard about M(birthmom) several weeks ago through the grapevine and had been praying for her. I gave her M's number and an hour later she called me back saying they had an appointment today at 1:00. She talked to N (birthdad) and he told her M wasn't doing so well, emotionally. She was very scared and had a ton of questions. So I was glad to hear that they would be meeting so soon, as we are very concerned about her and N's emotional wellbeing, not just us getting a baby.

Last night Mr. Sparky and I talked a lot about the situation and how we were very concerned for M and N and that we didn't want to be part of all this stress. This morning I called the pregnancy worker and asked her to relay a few things to M and N. We will be more than willing to not go to the ultrasound if that would make it less stressful. We also, even though we want a relationship with them, want it to be on their terms and for them not to feel scared to tell us to back off if they feel we are getting to be a little... much.

The pregnancy worker was very pleased by this ( I guess some prospective parents can be very demanding - which I totally don't get!) and promised she would relay our message and call us back after their meeting. I have 62 minutes until their meeting starts.

As it turns out, we needn't (is that a word? I don't think so but it works) have worried about the ultrasound issue. I got a message from M saying this appointment would only be a regular check up and that the first ultrasound wouldn't be until 20 weeks and she would call me to let me know when that would be. Even if she is lying it doesn't matter. I can't imagine how I would feel in this situation and if that is how she needs to handle it, then so be it. She is only 18 and I would probably do the same thing at - gasp! - almost 29.

And now to the ambivalence. I know you were wondering where that was. Besides the very brief and explosive emotions of Friday, and to be honest that only really lasted about the first five phone calls, I have no emotions. I have no overwhelming desire to start really getting the baby's room organized, I have no excitment about having a June baby (which by the way at 1:00 this morning I realized that the M's birthday is in June too. I don't know what to think about that except be sad for M right now).

I do know that the rest of the world is way more excited than either me or Mr. Sparky at the moment. I am having issues with this. Why am I not more excited? Why can't I get all giggly and sappy when I think about the fact that in 6 very short months we will be parents? A co-worker tells me I am protecting myself. And I pray that is true, because if this lack of feeling persists, I'm not sure what I will do.

Logically I know once we see the baby on the screen and find out the gender and really bond and once M and N are able to share their feelings with someone other than us, it will begin to seem real. I still am having a hard time believing she is actually pregnant (still. get over it already! she's pregnant!). Any other adoptive moms out there feel like this, or is it just me?

Sunday, January 4, 2009

The Rest of the Story

Thank you all so much for your encouraging and wonderful comments! I always know that there will be someone to celebrate with in the internets.

So, I'm sure you all want to hear the rest of the story.

We made plans to meet at C.h.i.l.i.'s at 1:00 on Friday. We spent the previous night in Phoenix so we drove up that morning. It was a horribly long two hours and I kept praying that there wouldn't be an accident on I-17 there is only one way up and one way down. But of course God kept our path clear and we got there with no problems.

We pulled into our garage by 12:15 and by 12:45 I was pacing the house, ready to go. Of course Mr. Sparky was laughing because we live right behind the restaurant and it only takes a few minutes to get there. But I threatened life or limb and we left.

By 1:00 they weren't there and I was starting to get nervous. The hostess kept asking us if we wanted to go ahead and get a table and we kept saying no we'll wait. I wanted to shoot her in the head! Just shut up about the table already!

Mr. Sparky said that if they weren't there by 1:15 we would leave and call them later. I, of course, was very much NOT ok with this plan. By 1:10 I was starting to tear up and literally thought I was going to puke all over the lobby. But my husband was good and kept calming me down. I went to the bathroom to wash my hands (that's what I do when I'm nervous) and call my friend S. She said we should call them (except all I have is there home number) and I went back to the lobby to tell Mr. Sparky I was going to call.

I kept thinking this was a scam, or maybe she really isn't pregnant and they are trying to get money out of us (which legally we can't give them anything anyway) or maybe they just got scared and didn't want to meet us yet. Of course the whole is she really pregnant thing is still wandering around in my head, even though I know she is and it is foolish. I can't help it.

So, at the exact moment I was getting ready to call, they walked in. And a whole new set of nerves joined the mixed. We were really excited because she brought the father with her and we really wanted to meet him but weren't sure he was going to come. We sat down and ordered drinks and tried to look at the menus without letting the conversation fall flat. There were a few moments of awkward silences throughout the meal but that is to be expected. It's an odd conversation you have with two people you've never meet and want them to give us their baby. Very odd indeed.

Anyway, everything went very well, we are all on the same page as far as contact and how the baby should be raised. They are both believers which was huge for us and the fact that we are was huge for them. Mr. Sparky asked if they had or will be meeting with anyone else and they said they were going to look into an agency but after meeting us they both felt really comfortable with the placement and felt like they didn't need to look any further.

We told them as we were getting ready to leave that we didn't want to pressure them into a decision (even though they already told us they want us at all the dr's appointments and at the delivery) and they said they did want to go home and talk about it, but it's pretty much a done deal. Of course they could always change their minds, they do have six months and she hasn't heard the heartbeat, felt the baby move or seen her stomach grow yet. So we'll see. We've got many people praying for this situation and God is in control, so whatever happens will happen and we are guarding our hearts.

But I've already fallen in love.

I'll post the ultrasound pictures after the appointment this week and will let you know how much more in love I've fallen with our baby once we've actually seen his/her little heartbeat.

Friday, January 2, 2009

June 23, 2009

June 23, 2009 - due date

January 8, 2009 - first ultrasound.

They want us there for everything.

Too many emotions running through me to get anything out.

We are beyond thrilled.