HOPEFULLY HOPING

4 Months

2010-02-13T10:14:00.003-07:00

As of yesterday, my little one is four months. And oh my heavens does she melt my heart!

I hadn't realized it's been two whole months since I've shared my feelings here and so much has happened. We are officially on the foreclosure list at our bank - and yet they still keep calling asking if we would be interested in tryitheir modification program - idiots.

We decided on Thursday that we will file bankruptcy. It is not a proud moment, but on Wednesday our free babysitting disappeared. It wasn't her fault, but it totally caught me off guard and I freaked a little. Day care will cost us a minimum of $200 a month, more than likely closer to $300 - $350.

I am working - but it's not enough and I need more. That breaks my heart too, more time away from Emily. But it needs to be done. We are meeting with a woman today to look at renting her house. We wanted to wait until they kicked us out, but it sounds like a deal we cannot pass up. If she is willing to do what she says, we will have an amazing house that we can stay in for a very long time at a VERY reasonable amount.

Our marriage is amazingly strong, stronger I believe because we have figured out how to weather the storms together. Rowing together instead of in opposite directions. God has done amazing things in the past few months and we are truly learning to rely on him.

My daughter is growing and learning and every day is a joy - even when she doesn't sleep for more than an hour at a time - all day and night. Hopefully this is a phase. A short phase.

Here are some recent pics of my Emily. She has three tooth buds (which would probably explain the permawake baby) and still dealing with some gas issues (now on soy formula - disgust!). She is the light of my life and it amazes me everyday that she is ours. Our daughter. Forever.

We are dedicating her on the 28th and her adoption should be finalized by the end of May. We are a family and it feels good.

These pictures are from christmas, and forgive the disguise on my husband - he doesn't want his image on the internet. Cops are paranoid!

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-16T09:51:00.003-07:00

So much for being an active blogger and posting my daughters' milestones so I could remember them. Lame.

There has been so much crazy going on - and not the average every day crazy - but mental crazy (not mine, someone else's) that has been heaped onto our lovely little family that it has made ME want to be committed along with the real crazy in the family. Oh how I wish I could go into detail, it would be so cathartic, but can't happen.

Before Emily came along we knew I would take at least 6 weeks off, preferably eight. So when I lost my job in April and found my new job in May I was very up front about my needs and what would be happening. Luckily, my new job was very much ok with it. So when Emily came it was never a question of me being able to take time off.

Eight weeks to the day after Emily was born I got up, got dressed and headed into work leaving my little girl in her daddy's very capable arms for six hours. My schedule was Monday-Friday 11-5. Pretty easy if I do say so myself. And we had a great friend lined up to watch Emily three days a week. Things were going well.

Two hours into my day my boss calls me in to her office to tell me that things are too slow right now and they can only have me work Monday-Wednesday-Friday. I was totally ok with that as I knew it was inevitable and I would at least be bringing in some money and would get to be with Em two days a week. No biggy. That night even Mr. Sparky was doing well with it, which is surprising since he is the one to freak out about money woes.

Wednesday morning I got dressed and headed into work. An hour after I got there my boss said someone had to go home for the day and by the way - we are cutting you back to Mondays and Fridays. Hmm. Not ideal, but still making some money. (60% less than I was making only two days earlier!)

Friday I got dressed and ready to go to work and Emily decided to have a really bad cold and stop eating altogether. I called work to tell them I would be late and we headed off to the dr's. After two hours and learning that my child had to eat by EYE DROPPER I called work to tell them I wouldn't be coming in just as my boss was leaving me a message to say don't bother coming in it's too slow.

The weekend went well - heaped with a little more crazy from the crazy person - and Monday as I was getting ready to go to work the phone rings. Can anyone guess who it was? That's right! My boss - " I am sorry to do this over the phone, but I didn't want you to come all the way in. We don't have enough work for you. We will call after the first of the year to re-evaluate. Have a great Christmas!"

I am now a full time stay at home mom. It is exactly what I wanted my whole life. Just really crappy timing. And let me tell you why. Earlier this month we decided to walk away from our house. Our lovely bank Wells has done nothing for us. I would go into detail, but it makes my blood pressure soar. We had a plan - we were going to use my income to pay off our car and one of our credit cards. We would be 3/4 out of debt by this time next year. We would also have enough saved up for first and last months rent (we can rent a house 70 billion times nicer than ours for less than half of our current mortgage payment - suck it real estate). Now we don't know what is going to happen.

I am not going to look for a job until after the holidays, if I look for one at all. We live in a very small town with a very crappy economy and NO ONE IS HIRING. We are making decisions that to the outside world look foolish, but for our family make sense. Our plan is out the window and we have just enough money to pay for the remaining bills without my income or our mortgage. We found out last night that my husband will more than likely get a 10% pay cut soon, and the good news? That puts us at the right income level for food stamps. Not the proudest moment in my life, but if we qualify, why not.

Bankruptcy has crossed our minds as an option. Although it makes us sick to go that route, with everything that has happened, it may be our only option. It would give us the freedom to start over and become good stewards of the money God has given us. It would give us the opportunity to be the parents we want to be, not the stressed out balls of mess we are on the way to becoming.

The good in all of this? We have an amazing daughter who is growing and learning and smiling and makes the world bright even at 3 am when she is up for no reason. We have amazing friends - most of whom are in a similar boat as us and have been for awhile - that we can lean on for support. For the most part we have family that love us no matter what, and while dealing with the crazy is difficult and there have been shouting matches over the phone and people telling whoppers of lies, it isn't life ending. We have friends who have a very sick daughter and the dad just lost his job. Again. But they are the most positive people I have ever met. And we have a God who is breaking us, and hard. He is doing this so we will trust him more, trust that he will provide because he promises us he will provide for our NEEDS.

We are learning, again, how to live off of cash and be frugal and responsible. This is not where I saw myself at almost 30 (only a few more weeks!), but I am happy and my marriage is no longer on the road to destruction and we are happier than we have ever been. It's a good thing.

So Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year because I can't guarantee that I will post again any time soon. Jesus is the reason for Christmas and without the birth of that little baby and the death and resurrection we will celebrate in just a few short months, none of this would have any meaning at all.

One Month

2009-11-19T12:52:00.003-07:00

**Disclaimer - this is exactly a week late. It is hard to do ANYTHING with a baby. Who knew?**

My beautiful Emily, you are already a month old! How the time flies. You have been such an amazing joy to us my dear. these are just a few of the things you have accomplished this month:

-You are so alert! You hold our gaze so attentively that I fear my heart will break when our eyes do.

- You very rarely cry(unless it is the middle of the night and daddy is at work leaving mommy to want to claw out her eyes)

- You won't ever let daddy out of your sight when he is home. It is the sweetest thing in the world to watch you two. You are the best thing that ever happened to that man.

- You went trick-or-treating and stole the show. You were 19 days old and already your newborn pumpkin costume was a little snug. Everyone thought you were the cutest thing ever.

- You attended your Uncle Erik and Aunt Becki's wedding at three weeks and were the main attraction! You did give mommy a scare though - while changing a wickedly disgusting diaper in our very pretty attire, you decided to choke and stop breathing on the bathroom floor before I had a chance to wipe your dirty little butt! I have never been so scared and so unconcerned about poop on a very expensive dress. Luckily Nana was walking by and was able to help calm me down after. You of course were fine.

- You rolled over on G-ma's floor from your tummy to back and I MISSED IT! I was putting my shirt on and the next thing I knew you were on your back and totally surprised too. It was a fluke as I had you on a slight incline on the rug, but still, very proud moment nonetheless.

- As of 11/06 we now have legal custody of you and only have six more months until you are legally our daughter - you have been our daughter in our hearts since the moment you were born - it will only be a formality in our eyes.

I wish there were more time to write about everything that you are - the amazing baby who no longer looks like a newborn, the personality that is slowly starting to emerge - I love you Emily, more than you will ever know!'

Love,

Mama

Daddy's little doll

First Halloween - Cutest pumpkin ever!

Pumpkin & Penguin

(otherwise known as the future Mr. & Mrs Penguin!)

Family Pictures

2009-11-04T13:02:00.004-07:00

When Emily was a week old we had a friend take some pictures for us. Instead of words, because that is too much effort at this point, you get to view our little family.

And thank you all for the kind words and comments. I'm sorry I don't respond, I've always been terrible about that. But know that everything is being stored in my heart and it keeps growing with each and every comment.

Thanks!!

How Emily came to be ours

2009-10-27T15:06:00.002-07:00

I've been trying to sit down for almost a week now and write out how all of this happened. But having a newborn makes almost everything impossible. It's a good day when I get my teeth brushed before 3! Not to mention sorting out all of the emotions.

But I do want to share this. If not for someone else going through the same situation who may need a little encouragement, then for my own recollection when Emily is older and my brain is a little more addled. I want to be able to look back on her accomplishments and he milestones. Thus far everything of importance she has done is written down on an itty-bitty pink notebook that travels in her diaper bag.

There is so much to say, so many emotions to put down and wrestle with and figure out. So much GOOD and a little bad.

So here goes ...

Monday Oct. 5th I was at work and was helping a customer. I had heard my phone vibrating in my purse but promptly forgot. A little while later I checked the messages as we had literally just mailed off our paperwork to adopt through the state (oh ye of little faith!) and was thinking it could be them. I listened to my message at my desk and it was some woman I had never heard of calling from our agency. This is exactly how everything in the next ten minutes happened. I don't' think I will ever forget.

"Vanessa, this is Ruth from blah blah agency, and I wanted to let you know you and Mr. Sparky have been chosen by a birth mother. She would like to meet with you as soon as possible since she is due on Thursday and is having contractions. Please call me as soon as you can."

"EEEEKKKKKK!!!!! splurbgasppantslurbglaksedjroaiehnjkfnaklsedjf;alkejf!!!!!!!!!!! Sob sob sob sob sob"

I believe at some point in time I actually threw my pen across the room and made a very sharp inhale/exhale pitched scream that only dogs could hear. I could hear my coworkers in the background. Actually, they sounded as if they were in a fog and surrounded by bubble wrap. My boss asked what was wrong and my other coworker said, I bet she got a baby!!!

I ran back into the break room to call Mr. Sparky. Except I dialed the agency number first and spoke with Ruth. She explained a little about the birthmom and her situation (of which I will not be sharing as it is extremely painful for her and it really is Emily's to tell). Immediately I felt a connection with this girl and could not WAIT to meet her. This conversation took place while I was half kneeling on the floor, half leaning on the table, tears streaming down my face. If you had walked in on me, you probably would have thought someone close to me had died!

I got off the phone with Ruth and quickly called Mr. Sparky. Now get this. SHE HAD CALLED HIM FIRST. AND HE DIDN"T CALL ME. He wanted me to hear it from her (I really think he was in shock and that's why he didn't call). So I quickly filled by boss in as I was running out the door. All I remember saying is that I'd call in a few to fill her in since it was only 11:00 am.

I got home and all we could do was look at each other and laugh. LAUGH! Who laughs when they've just found out they are going to be parents after so many long and tearful years. We do, apparently.

We talked about it for maybe .02 seconds and called Ruth and said let's meet as soon as possible. We scheduled a meeting for the next day at 1:00 in Phoenix. I decided to go back to work as we really needed the money and had no idea what the next few days entailed since this was her third pregnancy and she was already having contractions!

That will be all for today. I'm allowing myself only 15 minutes to write since I want to spend as much time with Emily before I go back to work (Dec. 7th!) and someone has to do the laundry because it is not getting itself done. At least my mom is coming to stay for a few days tomorrow and that should be a huge help!

Emily Elizabeth

2009-10-18T08:35:00.004-07:00

I am sitting here with my daughter snuggled in my lap.

It still feels so surreal that I have a daughter.

I would have written sooner, as I have SO MUCH TO SAY. About everything. But it is amazing how much you cannot get done with a newborn. Even one as, dare I say it, "easy" as Emily. I know you came back for pictures and not to listen to a new mommy wax rapsodic about her precious weshious, so I'll get to the posting of pics now.

Thanks for all your good wishes, we love every one of you inside this wonderful computer!

Nessa

Too tired to figure out the stupid layout for the pics.

What a Week!

2009-10-12T21:48:00.002-07:00

Just thought you'd all like to know that our daughter, Emily Elizabeth, was born today at 11:36 am. She weighs 7 lbs 3 oz and is 20 inches of pure beauty. Mr. Sparky and I are at my parents house because she was born in the ghetto and they won't let us stay the night, so we are taking advantage of the brief respite and getting a FULL nights sleep now while we can.

I will post pictures as soon as we get home and am on a "safe" computer.

Thanks all for your thoughts and prayers, it's been a rocky weekend.

She was well worth the four year wait!

Still Here...

2009-10-07T09:16:00.002-07:00

Still no baby.

The meeting yesterday went great! B was so scared and nervous, but she brought a really good friend with her and she did great. She was having very bad contractions during our meeting, so she was going to the hospital straight from there. Obviously it was nothing because we are still at home and we have no baby.

I have to go to work today. Can I tell you how much that sucks?

Hopefully next time I get a chance to post it will be pictures of our son or daughter.

It's TIME!

2009-10-06T07:16:00.004-07:00

We got The Call yesterday.

Birth mom is due on Thursday and as of yesterday she was having contractions. This is her third baby so who knows how quickly things will go. It's a mad dash right now trying to get things together and prepared. She is in Phoenix, so at least we'll have family close by.

We'll be leaving in a few hours to go meet her at the agency, unless of course we go directly to the hospital. The car seat is in and the bags are packed.

I wish this were more eloquent or witty or whatever, but my brain is mush and I'm already running on little to no sleep.

We don't know anything about the baby yet, so as soon as I know, I'll let the world know.

I'm finally going to be a mom.

Dear Wells F@rgo

2009-08-24T18:39:00.002-07:00

I just wanted to take the time to thank you for screwing us over. You have done your job very efficiently.

The hoops you made us jump through for the last four months have been educational and full of growth. I had looked forward to the next few months of your cleverly titled "Trial Period", but am sad that it looks as if we will not get to finish our journey together.

I thought it was so smart to call our home with a recorded voice saying, "Please hold for the next available operator, this call is important." That was sly, acting like a telemarketer. It's a good thing that after the tenth call I got so fed up that I actually waited for the representative to come on the line. And it was a good thing that I did. I would have never had the opportunity to speak with Dumb in the Idiot Department.

It was great that she was calling to tell me our next payment was due on the first and that you didn't require any more documentation from us, seeing as how the two vials of blood and my left kidney we sent you seemed to suffice. It was also a pleasure listening to her go down the list of requirements and then realizing that we were no longer in your "Trial Period". This is were I thought the conversation got really interesting.

I also want to thank you for hiring Dumb's counterpart, Dumber, in the Amazingly Incompetent Department. I keep chuckling to myself every time I think about that duo. You truly have outdone yourself in the training of your employees, what with the "I don't knows" and my all time favorite, "Maybe we'll be able to get you back on the program, but I can't make any guarantees".

And your speedy service is unmatchable! Really, 48 hours to even view an e-mail sent from inside your own company! I am speechless. I am really quite pleased that you will not be able to tell us whether or not we will re-qualified (that is just PRICELESS, re qualified!) for the program by Friday, since I love working under pressure and our supposed next payment would be due just 5 short days after that. And two of those would be the weekend! Oh, how I hold my jolly belly and chuckle at that.

I would like to suggest a few improvements though. If the due date is, let's say, the 5th of the month and you receive the payment on the 4th, it might not be in your customers best interest to hold onto that payment until the 7th. But that's just a suggestion, who am I to tell your wonderfully efficient company how to handle payments. You may want to tell people the date is a few days BEFORE it is actually due if you are going to screw everyone.

I will sleep so well this week knowing that all the hard work we did these past few months seems to have been in vain and that the fate of our home sways in the balance while you decide to get a mani/pedi or a latte in the next 48 hours. I couldn't dare ask you to read an e-mail about our situation without those comforts.

Hugs and Smooches,

Mr. Sparky & Nessa

P.S. I almost forgot! The cherry on top was receiving our mortgage statement today stating you hadn't received ANY payments at all from us and that we are delinquent and to kindly fork over more money than a five week cruise to the Mediterranean. *&^% YOU and Thanks.

So many things, so much rambling

2009-08-20T21:12:00.003-07:00

So much has happened since my post fourth of July post. People have gotten married, people have found out they are having twins (not me people, I wouldn't be able to keep my big fat mouth shut if that were the case!) and it has been ridiculously hot here in AZ.

I decided a while ago that I wasn't going to post anything unless it was HAPPY and SPARKLY and UNICORNS and RAINBOWS. That lasted for a few posts and then I realized that life in general is not always all of those wonderful things. Especially the sparkly, which is sad because I really like sparkly.

I have so many pictures to upload, but I find that I am in the midst of a VERY LARGE ipod project for the MIL and it is monopolizing the one.and.only usb port we have on our computer. I am using old hardware people.

There still is no news on the adoption front, except they ran out of our match letters, which I guess could be construed as a good thing. We have officially been in the pool fourteen months and bypassed the "average waiting time" our agency gave us back in the day. And I have decided I don't like the word pool to define the waiting area of adoption. I happen to like pools, in fact I spent most of my formative years trying to grow fins. However, when I think of pools I think of splashing and fun and summery drinks with little umbrellas. I do not like the pool we are currently drowning in. It makes me never want to get into the fun, summery pools ever again. this makes me sad.

I was in a wedding last month. My very first bridesmaids gig. And the dress was ridiculously beautiful It should have been, in fact, it should have made a 5,000 pound elephant look like a beautiful fairy for it cost well over $200 not including alterations and shoes and appropriate undergarments. But it was for the best woman in the whole world. And it was the most fantastic wedding I have ever been to. I guess it doesn't hurt to have a dad who is a doctor. And a sister who is a florist and can do $10,000 worth of flowers for under cost. I can't wait to post pics.

Oooohhhh!!! And the best man toast!! The Wind Beneath my Wings song is especially hysterical because these two served in Ir*q together. In fact the groom is getting ready to ship out yet again in October. I still pee my pants a little every time I see it. Once I can download some pics I will do so, because it was a beautiful wedding.*

There is so much to tell - especially the twin thing - but it is late and I am old (alas! 30 is just.five.months.away. and I am still at my starting weight. how sad) and discussing the twin thing is still really difficult, but I will get there. And you will have pictures. And I have missed writing!

*If you thing 117 degrees and an outside wedding is beautiful. If not? I cannot help you.

Post 4th of July Post and Some Random Negativity

2009-07-05T10:45:00.002-07:00

While I am a very patriotic person and I love my country dearly, the 4th of July just doesn't hold the same spark it used to. I was reading Maggie's quick takes today and she and I are in a similar boat.

Mr Sparky had to work and we had friends who were having everyone over for ice cream and fireworks, but the dog is terrified of the noise and we live so close to the park where they set them off that our whole house shakes and he ends up cowering under the table. Last night he hid in the bathroom and wouldn't come out until I went in there and sat with him. Poor thing.

While I have been trying to keep the positive going on over here (two whole posts! look at me!) yesterday was a difficult day. I don't' know if anyone else dealing with infertility and whatnot ever feels this way, but it is so difficult putting on a freaking happy face when people ask how things are going. And you know why we do this? Because they really don't care about the emotional side, they just want to know when the BABY will be here because it feels like forever and they just want to see us with a baby.

Two weeks ago, Mr. Sparky got baptized and the pastor who did it is the same pastor we went to to see if the church had any additional funding or a program for adoption assistance. So he knows the whole shebang. Well. He got himself a little confused while we were up at the baptism spa (yes, our church baptizes in a spa) and announced before the whole church that we had an amazing story and that God has built our family in an amazing way. Implying that we had already gotten a child. And I wasn't about to correct him in front of 1000 people. So I smiled and Mr. Sparky smiled.

Yesterday (we go to church on Saturday nights) at church this same pastor walked up to us and didn't quite apologize for the gaffe, but told us many people came up to him that night and asked if we were pregnant(and by the pics I did look a little second trimesterish, thank you horizontal stripes and sodium!) and said no, we were in the adoption process and a bunch of people asked for our names so they could pray for us. Which is good. And cool, because we need all the prayer we can get.

But last night, it was the most gut wrenching experience having to keep a freaking positive attitude and say, "Yes, all in Gods timing, blah blah blah, just waiting for the right baby, already been waiting this long a few more waits won't matter as long as it's Gods plan".

I had to leave church early yesterday. I couldn't even sing, and that is MY worship time. That is when I feel the closest to God and I couldn't open my mouth. Of course the sermon was on Isaiah 40:30-31 - Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
The whole chapter of 40 is amazing, it describes God in ways that make you realize just how big he is and that he is in control and that he knows the names of EVERY.SINGLE.STAR. in the universe and if he knows their names he truly knows the desires of my heart, of his child. And yet, while I could understand the words and grasps that truth intellectually, my heart was totally on the opposite side of that realm. And I got angry at God. Again.

We ended up sitting with some friends who sit in the "Baby Section" (closest to the exit in case of a crying child) and right behind us where a couple (our chiropractor actually) who had a baby 7 months ago. I can remember him telling us they were pregnant, it was quite a surprise as their two boys where 7 and 9, and he said we must hate people like them because they get pregnant on accident and we can't. And it didn't sound so crappy when he said it, truly, but when I saw them last night the baby looked so big and I asked how old he was and I could see on her face the pity when she told me how old he was. That look of, wow, he's seven months already and you still don't have a baby.

And that is what I thought about all through church. I'm tired of judging time by other peoples children and pregnancies. I'm tired of putting on a happy face when people ask how it's going, because that is what they expect. They don't want to hear about the pain and the emotion. They only want to hear that we're just waiting on God and his timing is best.

I wish we had never told anyone about any of this. It would have been much easier to field the "Why aren't you having children" comments than the "When will you get a baby" ones.

This process sucks and God's timing, while it is the best thing, sucks even more.

More Good News!!

2009-06-17T08:26:00.003-07:00

In keeping with the POSITIVE ONLY theme here at Hopefully Hoping, I'm more than happy to join in praise with Rebekah and Ben as they finally welcome Baby Boy into their lives!

416 days after they started their journey to parenthood, their prayers have been answered!

Congrats you two!

I started WW on Monday and have already lost over two pounds and have worked out both Monday and today. I am in a wedding in exactly one month from today and hope to be down at least 6 pounds by then.

This isnt' exactly positive but it is funny, after the fact. We took our dog Austin to the lake on Saturday and walked all the way around, it took about an hour and a half. By the last 10 minutes Austin was exhausted and wasn't paying any attention to the geese that were milling about on the shore. I have a serious phobia of geese as I was chased by a pack of them when I was five. It was very traumatic. In light of the phobia I thought we were far enough away from them that they wouldn't notice us, or at least Austin. He certainly didn't care about them. Next thing I know, two geese are in attack mode and squawking and attacking Austin! The poor thing got bit in the butt! All these people came running over and shouting at the geese and they finally went away. Austin was fine, but it took me quite some time to recover.

Then Sunday after we got home from bible study, Mr. sparky took Austin out back to play with a lazer light. The dog LOVES this. His favorite activity. I was in the kitchen putting things away when I hear this loud crash and the dog barking. I thought for a second something had happened to Mr. Sparky, so I ran outside. Once I got out there I saw our two HUGE WROUGHT IRON CHAIRS knocked over and the dog standing still barking and blood all over his face. He had gotten so excited he forgot the chairs were there and went head first right into them at break neck speed.

Poor baby, I'd never seen him like that. He was barking because he was in pain. It took me five minutes of just holding him before he would even move. Luckily he didn't need stitches, but he has a pretty good scar on his forehead and one on his nose. He was very lucky, it could have ben so much worse!

My poor dog had quite the weekend. Now he's afraid of the chairs and won't go anywhere near them.

And thanks for everyone's suggestions about the agency thing. Honey does work better than vinegar. Once my emotions calm down a little, I'll be able to address everything in a good light.
Thanks!

A whole month!

2009-06-12T08:11:00.005-07:00

Well hello stranger.

I haven't posted because I haven't wanted to read how crappy things have been lately. There's been no desire to write. I get ready to and then realize that even I am tired of listening to myself whine.

So I'm going to write only about the positive things.

- I got that job, and I really like it. I've been there since May 27th.

- We have been assigned a loan processor for our modification after they said they couldn't process it because I didn't send them any pay recent pay stubs - HELLO! OUT OF WORK!

- We have a new case worker and we met her on Wednesday. She seems nice, but she's new to the agency and we'll see if she's competent. So far no one else has been.

- We let her know exactly how we feel about the agency and EVERYTHING that has gone wrong from the beginning until now****

- My dog no longer smells like a sewer rat. Thank you dog groomers for fixing the noxious beast.

- I get to make these and these for my best friends bridal shower next weekend. I am scared but also very, very excited to eat them. I am also making a GIANT cupcake too. The shower is on her birthday and cupcakes are her most very favorite food.

And that is all for now, since I have to get ready for work.

****I know this goes outside the positive realm, but I had to tell you this. In February when our match fell through we changed our profile to bi-racial and latino. In March I checked with the pregnancy worker in our area and she said it was done and not to worry. I spoke with our new case worker two weeks ago and she told me IT NEVER GOT CHANGED! For four freaking months we weren't showed to the majority of the birth mothers because they dropped the ball. We are thinking if we don't get matched before our homestudy expires (Jan) then we will demand they pay for 3/4 of the renewal price because it was their fault we lost four months. What do you think?

Jobs and Houses

2009-05-13T11:12:00.003-07:00

I turned in my 27th application today. I also got an interview for Friday. One interview for 27 applications.

Crazy.

We started the loan modification process last week (4-5 months it will take if they can even help us) and Friday we are meeting with our Realtors to put our home on the market. I doubt it will sell, even as a short sale, but we need to do something to protect ourselves from a foreclosure.

So far everyone in our close circle of friends and family has been really supportive. Except for my MIL. We talked to her on Mother's Day and updated her on what is going on (except for putting the house on the market, we just decided that Monday and aren't going to tell you quite yet) and she totally flipped her lid.

We explained that we only have enough money to pay for one more month of bills and after that we will stop paying the mortgage and pay our other bills. We also told her we were OK with where this is all going, and by OK I mean not ready to throw ourselves off of a bridge OK, she is not. She told me I need to look harder for a job and that even a job making $5/hr is better than nothing and that would at least help. We told her I was looking and haven't heard from anyone and even if I were to get a job making what I was before (NOT LIKELY) we still would not be able to pay the mortgage.

She hasn't returned any of our phone calls this week. It's really quite sad that she is so upset by this. I understand her being concerned because we are her children. I think she is taking it a bit too far though. The main issue is that we are Christians and she is not - therefore we make our decisions based on the bible and prayer and she doesn't. She doesn't understand anything that we are doing. We both feel, as do my parents and friends, that we are being pro-active and trying everything we can not to go into foreclosure. She sees this as being irresponsible.

Even if we were able to keep the house, we would more than likely not be able to sell within the next 10-15 years. The market here has crashed so badly and is still bounding lower that it wouldn't make much sense. We are already $75,000 upside down in our house and things aren't looking better right now.

We know that God has a plan for this and we feel like we are doing everything we can (I am looking for a job daily, we are making good faith efforts to pay our bills and have gotten several processes started to save the house) and whatever happens will happen. It's just sad that she is taking this so personally that she can't even talk to us right now.

We are both doing ok with all of this, not great, but ok. It's never a fun prospect to lose your home. But in reality it is just stuff and we cannot take stuff with us when we die. Nor were we put here on earth just to accumulate stuff. I keep repeating to mr. sparky that it doesn't matter where we live or how many cars we have or how much xtra stuff we can afford. As long as we are together and we are doing well, that is all that matters.

Mish Mash

2009-05-04T10:12:00.002-07:00

All you get today is a bunch of jumble.

I still have not found a job. I have applied to over 20 positions and not heard one thing. And you know what? I'm ok with this. And Mr. Sparky is 75% ok with this (which is an improvement from 25%, so I will take it!).

Last week was one of the best weeks we've had since we were married. There was no stress, we didn't argue once!, we spent all our time together laughing and cuddling and just BEING together. It was wonderful. Mr. Sparky even said he liked me being home.

I think the best part is that I am at peace with not having a job. Oh, don't get me wrong. I have been working for fifteen years and part of my mind is screaming at me to be DOING SOMETHING FOR MONEY. ANYTHING**. But that part is minuscule compared to the part of me that is loving this.

Domesticity. It is a good fit for me. Last night at bible study the men were asked what made their wives good wives and Mr. Sparky said that I am a great housewife. That I take good care of him and that the past week has made him realize how much I really do around the house. there is nothing I would have asked to hear in place of that. Knowing that he loves having me home, even with a major financial crisis about the strike our household. I feel that this is where I should have been a long time ago.

Now I don't know what God has in store. I am dutifully applying for jobs left and right and if he wants me to have a job he will provide one. If not, I am fully OK with that.

School is out of the question - we were denied on the loan. Which is good, since God has a plan and all.

Now for M. M was our birth mom. We were matched and then exactly one month later she changed her mind (well, the ex-boyfriend changed her mind, but that's neither here nor there). It was devastating but after a week it was ok. I have been praying for the three of them sporadically ever since. But thankfully they haven't been weighing on my mind, not the ever present ghosts I thought they would be.

Until last week. I cannot get her out of my head. Not the baby, not the ex, but her. For some reason God has planted her firmly on my heart to be praying for her, and hard. So I have been. Of course I've been throwing in prayers for the ex and the baby, they are a package deal and I truly want the best for them, but it has been her specifically that I feel so strongly to pray for.

Now don't think that I still have a hope that this baby is ours. We signed off the love connection long ago. But I still care about them. Because that's what we are supposed to do as Christians, care about others. Especially since their circumstances are so very difficult. I can't help but wonder why all of a sudden I am to be praying for her and why she won't leave my mind. I'm sure some of it has to do with the fact that two babies were born within 15 hours of each other last week or that her due date is quickly approaching(June 25 - same as Rebekah's!). It's an odd situation. One I never thought I'd be in. Praying for a woman who has no relation to me who is carrying a child that might have once been ours but isn't.

I cleaned out the nursery over the weekend. I took the bedding off (I'm selling it so I can make my own) and put everything that was out away. It's just too hard to look at sometimes. I would have taken the crib apart but Mr. Sparky stopped me. There are certain things that make him feel better along this journey. For instance, the crib. And the high chair that has been in our dining room for almost a year. We brought it out for friends and he wouldn't let me put it away. It's his security blanket, or reminder that we ARE supposed to be parents and that one day it will happen. I love him for that.

I hate my hair. It needs to be cut and I can't afford it. I want to go shorter, but am afraid to. My hair requires a lot of work with short hair and I am afraid that we will get a baby and then I will always look a disaster because I won't have time nor care to fix my hair.

That was a very shallow paragraph. I told you this would be jumble.

**I won't do ANYTHING for money. My husband actually suggested that I could be his personal hooker and I could make money that way. He failed to truly think that through. He would be paying me with OUR money. Men, not so bright when they think with the wrong organ!

Stress is the Enemy

2009-04-28T13:11:00.002-07:00

Last Monday I woke up to an extremely angry case of eczema on my hands. That only happens when I'm stressed. Sunday night I got my period.

There was a mixture of sadness and relief, but mostly relief. I know that if God wants us to have a baby right now it would be ok. But I am still without a job and there will be no school this May so basically I have nothing - no income no future career.

And I am ok with this. I have started an Et.sy shop and once I get pictures taken of my items I will link to it here. Hopefully this will bring in some extra cash. If not, it will still be fun for me.

Yesterday I went into work and thought on my way up the elevator, "Wouldn't it be nice if they let me go today instead of finishing out the next two weeks?" An hour and 15 minutes later I was out the door. They decided last week that it was too hard and knew that I was stressed about not finding a job so they let me go but are still paying me for those next two weeks.

It will be interesting to see what happens. I don't want another office job, I've been doing that for 15 years and I'm ready for a change. We'll see, God has his own plans. In the mean time I am going to work on my stress levels.

What are friends for?

2009-04-24T18:12:00.003-07:00

I'm going to ask you a question. Because I value your input and because I have spent the last half hour searching the internet for the answer and have been more than saddened for our species as I read the message boards at some very popular website. The spelling! Oh the spelling!!

Now this is where I feel like a newby, someone who hasn't been on this roller coaster for a really long time. So bear with me as I feel some shame in asking such a silly question.

I am late. Really, really late. Five days late and that has never before happened in my 18 years of having my period. I am also having cramps like you wouldn't believe. Regular, wonderful PMS. That started on Wednesday.

I told Mr. Sparky I wasn't going to take a test until Wednesday(next Wednesday, such restraint!) but he left me alone this morning with the one remaining pregnancy test I found buried in the back of my bathroom cabinet. And it was CALLING MY NAME. Nessa - Pee on me, ppeeeeeeooooonnnnmeeeeeee Nessa. Crappy little test.

So I peed on it. Of course. What self respecting woman wouldn't? Plus it had been a really long time since I peed on anything in stick form. Or anything for that matter.

Then, with my self respect fully in tact, I hid it. It was also negative. No big shocker there, I'm used to that.

I did however come clean when he got home. It was too hard not to.

So here is what I am asking of you - can you please come over and play with my hair while I curl up in a puddling ball of mush? And whisper sweet nothings into my ear, telling me that this is normal and not at all weird and that the pain I feel is just regular cramping and that my period will start any day now?

Thanks, I knew I could count on you.

Vacation

2009-04-21T20:12:00.010-07:00

Sorry about the run on paragraph toward the bottom, I can't seem to figure out why Blogger wont work! Oh. I weight myself this morning and am 1 pound shy of my starting weight. Stupid food.

I ran away, literally. And it was nice.

Mr. Sparky's 32nd birthday was the 14th and I surprised him with a grand vacation. Well...maybe not grand, but it was amazing and it was just us.

We went to White.Sands National Monument and Carlsbad.Caverns in New Mexico. We logged almost 1300 miles in four days but it was so worth it.

This was my answer to Mr. Sparky's - he wrote "I love you Nessa" in the sand, but the wind was so bad by the time he finished the I love you had already been covered with sand.

The sand dunes went on forever, I can't remember the exact amount of mileage it covered, but you could not see the end. And it sits smack dab in the middle of a 4000 acres of military base. It was a beautiful site.

This picture makes me thing of Alaska. The buses precariously parked on thick ice and the shacks are the only warmth. It was windy, but the sun was out so it was bearable. We only stayed for a short while, maybe an hour and a half including the visitors center, I wish we had been able to stay longer.

There are too many pictures of the caverns to decide which would be best to show you, but it was beautiful. It was a hike down, 1.5 miles straight down into the cave and then another 1.5 miles around the inside. It's cool though, they have a snack bar and restrooms on the bottom and an elevator to take your weary behind 750 feet back to the surface.

The weather there is a constant 56 degrees and 90% humidity. By the time we got to the top, mu perfectly straightened hair looked like a poodle gone haywire. But it was worth it. We took our time and for a while it was just the two of us climbing down the steep path, holding hands and quietly laughing at the crazy formations. There was one that looked like a boob, nipple and all. Of course Mr. Sparky wanted me to take a picture of it, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. By that time too many people had gathered and I wasn't going to be the only one taking a picture of the "boob".

I wish I could say that the job search was going as well as the vacation had. I have applied to six positions. I haven't heard from 4, one is no longer being filled and the sixth? Apparently I am not qualified or fit the requirements to work at Jo-Anns. That was a real ego squasher. I would have applied for more, but the sickness that visited me on April 3rd is still lingering, plus being on vacation, plus being terrified of my unfinished resume had led to a block. A block that has required me to rely on God because I certainly am not going to be able to do this on my own. I also need to rely on him because there are NO jobs where I live. None. And I'm pretty sure I won't qualify for unemployment due to the circumstances of my leaving the company. I'll explain later, right now thinking about it makes me nauseous.

We will more than likely lose the house as we are $400.00 in the hole WITH my job and our meager savings has dwindled down from two months of living expenses to a whopping $1200 which won't even cover one months mortgage payment. We have started the hardship process with our lenders, but we are trying to get a student loan to go through so we are holding off on sending in the paper work lest the student loan people and the mortgage people talk too soon.

I don't know where this puts us on the adoption front. We will not take our profile off the list, but we dont' know what will happen either. Obviously my loss of income puts us in a different financial situation and our more than likely change of venue may necessitate an update on the home study, but since our caseworker is still MIA, I have no idea what will happen. And it is hard to explain to people why we have over $8,000 in the bank but can't touch it. It's technically not ours.

Plus I'm late. I'm assuming it's stress related and not pregnancy related but it's hard not to go there. Mr. Sparky and I were joking the other night that I wouldn't be able to find a job and we would lose the house only to find myself pregnant. Stupid joke. I find myself tottering between fear and total reliance on God. Totally human of course, but scary nonetheless. I keep thinking we ill need to move in with family, or move to a totally different state (probably TX, since we've done some research and they will take MR. Sparky's certification and most agencies starting pay is $5000 more than he makes now and the housing market is ridiculously cheap). That scares me.

Except I'm not scared. I know that probably doesn't make sense, especially to those who think reliance on God is a waste of energy, but I don't. I know he will provide, that this fire we are going through burns badly now but will be only a distant flame hopefully in the not so distant future. I can't wait to see what we will look like after we've made it through the refining fire.

We've been struggling these last few days and yesterday we read Job. A man, the most righteous and faithful man, who lost everything including his family yet he continued to praise God. It was just what we needed to hear and that comforts me to know that if God can provide the right reading material at the right time then he can certainly provide the right answers to our most precarious positions we've gotten ourselves into.

When the clouds parted there was sun ... and bird poop on my car

2009-04-07T21:21:00.006-07:00

THE CLOUDS PARTED AND THERE WAS SUN...

The plague that has been cast upon me is finally leaving. I haven't been this sick in a very long time. Today is the first day since Saturday that I have even ventured off the couch. And I didn't die. Although not for lack of my body trying.

There was a lot of gnashing of teeth on Thursday, Mr. Sparky's in particular.

He was not pleased with my news, in fact, he thought I was joking. A late April Fool's if you will. The tears eventually proved that I wasn't. He is still a little on the cool side, but he is thawing quite nicely.

My last day will be May 7th. I am looking forward to that day.

I've also made a momentous decision. A decision that requires putting our adoption plans on hold. And I've never been so ok with that in the whole 3.5 years we've been trying. Having a child right now would mean putting this off even longer, and I've waited ten years for this opportunity.

I have always had a love for helping people. And music. Until I was 19 I had no problems running after my dreams. I was fearless, never letting anyone or anything get in my way. Until I made one decision that seemed to altar my life forever. I stayed at home my first semester of college instead of going away with all my friends. For a boy. A boy that may I add I am no longer with.

It was a horrible decision and one that ruined a 13 year friendship. Since then, I have been terrified to take a chance, to grasp onto my passions and run with them.

I was supposed to go to here. I had everything set, including a chance at a full ride. I was going to go there and perfect my craft of piano and then run West as fast as I could and do movie scores. It was going to be a grand life. I was going to live on the beach and play piano all day and get PAID FOR IT. Then I chickened out, decided I wasn't good enough. I still regret that to this day.
My other passion has always been massage. And not the dirty kind you animals! It started when I finally ended up going to that school (not the pretty music school, but the pretty state school that I turned my nose up at for a boy), I fell madly in love with eastern medicine and the practice of massage therapy. Not to mention it feels really good. Since I couldn't decide what I wanted to really do with my life now that J.uliard was out of the question, I investigated the BEST massage schools in the country. And clearly they were spectacular since I cannot remember a single one, except that one was in S.F. and I LOVE S.F.

But there was that fear that I wouldn't be good enough. That stupid fear that crept up on me one day in late 1998 and robbed me of so many opportunities. How could I succeed? I couldn't possibly do well at this. If I could turn my back on J.uliard how could I even imagine flourishing at thing like that?

Oh if I could only go back and shake my stupid, much younger, self.

For ten years I have had friends and family alike tell me I NEED TO GO TO MASSAGE THERAPY SCHOOL. Mostly for selfish reasons I think, I was always giving free massages to them. It's been something I've batted around for seriously for the last few years. Wanting to be more than just a secretary. First and foremost my ultimate career would be mother. But God has proved that at the moment that is not to be.

I have put my life on hold more times than I care to admit due to infertility. It's time to move on. I believe that God moves things in such a way that he can turn what ever mess we've made out of his plans to something amazing. If we let him. Thursday after my initial meeting with my boss, I checked my in-box. In it was a brochure for a local massage therapy school.

I took it as a sign. If it's a sign from God or my own little mind playing tricks, I don't care. I'm going. I have a meeting with the school on Friday and all we need to do is figure out tuition. $7200.00 to be exact. Since we are not rolling in money and what money we do have is allocated for PROJECT BABY, we will be relying on financial aid. I don't know if you've noticed but they aren't exactly handing money out like candy anymore. Damn recession.

If God wants me there he will make a way. But I am excited, nay, thrilled for the first time in my short life I feel like I have an actual purpose. To help heal people, to teach them about their bodies and how intricate they are. To help people relax and ease their stress. To help mothers bond with their babies and people who can barely walk feel a little less pain.

I still need a job, but Mr. Sparky is behind me 100%. And I knew at that moment, when I didn't have to explain or cajole, when he just said yes, that it was going to be alright. That WE were going to be alright.

AND NOW FOR THE BIRD POOP...

It seems age is creeping up more quickly than I would like. In August I found my first gray hair. Last week, my second. This afternoon it appears that I will need to start dying my hair on a regular basis. I found a whole handful of full length gray hairs. Aging sucks.

Shortest Probation in History

2009-04-03T11:04:00.002-07:00

My probation period lasted exactly 7 hours. We came to a mutual agreement that I should look for a new job. At least they are giving me 30 days to find a new job.

I've been on hold with our mortgage company for 20 minutes. Let's see how this works out. We don't qualify for any government assistance. THANK YOU MR. OBAMA!

A Dream

2009-04-02T12:33:00.002-07:00

I had a dream the other night that I came to work and got fired. In this economy it was horrible. I looked for work for almost a month.

Then one day the phone rang. We had a baby girl waiting for us at the hospital in Tucson.

We fretted about not having a second income anymore(considering we're in the hole $400 a month NOW while I work) but decided not to fret too much and enjoy the baby for a while.

Two weeks after we got the baby my husbands 92 year old grandmother passed away. She left us $750,000 dollars (she has a lot of money, but we AREN'T expecting anything from her. It would be nice, but we are not banking on it).

I woke up yesterday and told Mr. Sparky about it when I got home from work. Of course the dream was laden with tragedy - Losing a job - SUCK, grandmother dying - HORRIBLE to even think about.

This morning I pulled into the parking lot and immediately had a bad feeling. As of today I am on probation. I was given several options:
1. Have 30 days to find new job
2. Quit right away
3. CHANGE what is going on with me
4. Quite, but can clean the office three times a week at my regular hourly wage (we are having issues with the cleaning people and this looks mighty tempting)

I was fine the whole time I was getting this handed to me. No tears. Until he said, "I don't know what you want, I can't make that decision for you. I don't know if you want to stay, leave or just be a mom." That was when I couldn't take it any more and my eyes started to water.

I was very honest with them and told them I haven't been happy for a while. I don't like the law we practice and I am bored. Not that that is an excuse for what's been going on - I don't want to get into the reasons for "probation" because there should be no excuse, no matter how much I don't like my job. But I was honest with them and felt that was what I had to do.

I dont' know what will happen, I haven't even told Mr. Sparky yet. Not something you do over the phone, no? But I am at peace. I have options, even though at the moment things are looking a little bleak.

In no way do I expect a phone call from the agency any moment. I think the dream was just that. A dream. But it is a little weird.

God is in control and he has a master plan that I dont' know about nor do I need to. I can only surmise that what He has in store is better than what I can plan for. Considering NONE of my plans have actually worked.

Oh yeah and the diet. I fell off the wagon last week. Ate everything carb and lots of it. I got on the scale this morning for the first time since LAST THURSDAY and I only gained a few ounces. Which was amazing since I ate us out of house and home. I blame the hormones. Looks like I'll be able to get off to a good start this week.

Week 1

2009-03-27T08:16:00.004-07:00

Let's pretend today is Thursday.

Last Weeks #'s This Weeks #'s Total Loss
Weight - 187.2 Weight - 183.4 3.8
Left Arm - 13.5" Left Arm - 13" 0.5
Right Arm - 14" Right Arm - 13.5" 0.5
Chest - 37" Chest - 36" 1.0
Waist - 40" Waist - 39" 1.0
Hips - 46" Hips - 45" 1.0
Left Thigh - 27" Left Thigh - 26.25" 0.75
Right Thigh - 27" Right Thigh - 25.75" 1.25
Left Calf - 17" Left Calf - 16" 1.0
Right Calf - 16.5" Right Calf - 15.5" 1.0

3.8 pounds and 8 inches lost! I am very excited about this progress. I know it will slow down once the initial Phase 1 is over, but this is very motivating. And I haven't started exercising yet either, so hopefully that will help rev up my metabolism too.

There will be no picture this week. I know you are saddened by this, but we have been super busy the past two nights.

I am particulalry proud of Mr. Sparky's birthday present which I will post about at a later date when my brain isn't mush. We didn't get home until 12:30 this morning from friends house. Have you ever played App,les to App,les? So very fun.

* I can't get the numbers to line up right and I"ve tried three times. I give up.

Agency Frustrations

2009-03-22T14:11:00.002-07:00

It's been seven weeks since our match fell through. And truly I haven't thought about it. Much. Every now and then I drive past their house and hope to catch a glimpse of her and her belly. Just to make sure she's doing ok, we still care for her. Especially since things are very tough financially for them and we want to make sure this baby and her are healthy.** Then there are other times where we're out and about and I'm terrified we'll run into her. Yesterday Mr. Sparky and I were running errands and this car past us. "I wonder if that's ..." he said. And I immediately replied that no, it wasn't. But my heart was in my throat just the same.

We still aren't mad at the parents, how could we be. At first we thought they were doing what was best for both of them, and we were ok with that. I've since learned that the ex-boyfriend is playing puppeteer and that makes me angry. Not because this baby isn't going to be our baby, but because he is making decisions for M's life that might not be best for her, or the baby. All because of what he wants.

I came upon this information because I talked to the local pregnancy worker on Tuesday. I ended up speaking with her because I was trying to get in touch with our case worker. The one who promised us seven weeks ago that she handles her clients differently, that she is in contact frequently with them and that she would call us in a few weeks. Seven weeks ago.

As it turns out, the only number I have for our case worker is the pregnancy workers number. It also turns out that our caseworker had MAJOR surgery three weeks ago and our agency decided it wasn't a big enough deal to contact her clients and let them know who their interim contact would be while she was out. It also wasn't a big enough deal for our case worker to call us herself. And they don't know when she will be back to work.

To say I am upset would be an understatement. I spoke with the pregnancy worker (whom we have a good relationship with) and told her my frustrations. She then went on to make excuses saying there hadn't been many birth mothers coming into the agency. She also told us not to get our hearts set on M's baby, which, hello! We've been through that already and moved on. I told her we weren't mad we don't have a child yet, that's out of their control. What we are angry about is the lack of communication, in any form. I told her we are paying them a ton of money for services we feel they are not providing. I also told her we received better service from the pound when we adopted our dog, and he only cost us $90.00. This kid is costing us $15-20,000.00.

I don't think she appreciated that last comment.

We have done a lot of praying and talking and have made a decision. We are going to stay with this agency (and let our grievances be known, again.) because we have already given them $2500.00 which is not refundable. We are also looking into a different agency. We figure it can't hurt to have our feet in two pools, twice the coverage, right (and twice the headache)? So on April 14 I will drive to Phoenix (because they do NOT give information out over the phone or in the mail) to attend a two hour orientation meeting for the new agency. Did I mention it's on a Tuesday at 6:00p.m., in downtown Phoenix, and Mr. Sparky has to work? I will leave work early (3:30) and drive straight down(I don't want to chance getting stuck in rush hour traffic and the ONLY way down is under major construction, why couldn't A.DOT widen the 17 before now?) go to a meeting in scary Phx alone, attend the meeting which lasts until 8:00p.m. and then drive the 2 hours back, by myself.

I hate driving at night. Especially up "the hill". I have horrible night vision.

I've been a little on edge lately. Feeling like our agency is too busy for us, what with the downsizing and whatnot. I get that money is tight in this economy. I also get that people have health issues that need attention. What I don't get is how an agency, who is dependant on their clients (that's US) for the majority of their income, can't find an hour or two in a day to call all of our caseworkers clients and inform them she would be out. She doesn't have more than ten. I'm pretty sure I could have done that in less than two hours. We would have understood that, what with a phone call and all. But no, they don't have the courtesy to call us. SHE doesn't have the courtesy to call us.

Most days I spend the 25 minute drive home on the verge of tears. So frustrated at the situation, thinking are we really meant to be parents? God has led us here on this path and right now I feel abandoned. Which I know isn't true because he promises us in Deuteronomy 31:8 - "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." He tells me this right here. Yet my human self cannot seem to grasp that at the moment.

I will continue praying about this, because it is all I can do anymore, and hopefully when His timing is right He will show us His plan. Until then, the waiting sucks.

I also cheated yesterday. I was picking up my friends kids and the four year old runs up to me, "Nessa!! I brought this cookie JUST.FOR.YOU." How do you say no to a four year old? I ate the cookie. I also weighted myself, which I wasn't going to do until Thursday, but I was too curious. I've lost three pounds! I just hope the cookie didn't de-rail all the hard work!

** After I wrote this, it sounds like we are still holding out hope for this child. Which we are not. We got to know M a little bit, and how could you not care about someone in a position which you would never envy? Knowing it is a battle to put food on the table makes our hearts bleed for her and her baby.

Hot by When??

2009-03-20T09:43:00.004-07:00

I got all excited when Maggie unveiled her Hot By Thirty. I was so getting on that band wagon, especially since she ditched me a WEEK into our Weight Loss extravaganza because she got pregnant. Whatever.

Three days later I fell off, and hard.

I am a great starter of all things weight loss. I have every possible work out video, tried every possible diet (except Atk.ins, I just cannot eat all that meat) and yet I am still over weight. And I always have been, except for the day I was born. A beautiful 6 lbs 7 ounces. The last time I ever weighed what the doctors said I should.**

I have been successful several times at losing large amounts of weight, between 35 and 40 pounds. The problem? I wasn't trying. My freshman year of college I weighed 170 and by spring break I had lost 30 pounds. Home sickness, horrible campus food (the only thing I could eat for months without getting sick was red.vines), and the actual SICKNESS that lasted for six weeks and landed me in the hospital.

Of course, I went through a very traumatic period in life shortly after my freshman year and the binge eating ramped up again in force ( I had pretty much dealt with that issue before leaving for school). Then I decided that drinking my feelings away was a much easier solution and put on 60 pounds in two years. And I lost that again after leaving the restaurant world for retail. Much less food around and always moving. Plus the sticks I worked with was a little bit of motivation too.

Plus the stress of planning a wedding, remodeling our home(which was TWO HOURS away from where I was living at the time) and again, SICK! So it melted right off without me having to really work at it.

Guess what happened after I got married. That's right! I gained 40 pounds in three months. I went from a very healthy (and only 12 pounds from my goal weight) 157 to a VERY unhealthy ...ahem...200. Wow. That's a lot of weight on a 5'6 frame, big boned or not.

In the last few years I've managed to lose and keep off about 15 pounds, give or take a few. And while every time I get on a weight loss kick, with good intentions of course, I don't know how to go about it. Since I've never taken the time to plan things out and just jump right in I always fail. But I'm tired of failing and I'm tired of having so much junk in my trunk.

I had been seriously looking into S. Beach, which of course I have done many times, never getting past the first week (FAIL!) and really making plans (hello Couch to 5K) and revving up my engines to get motivated. Then the phone call came (No, not THAT phone call, I wish).

My best friend is getting married in June or July (of this YEAR!) and I am in the wedding. In Phx, in the summer, in more than likely a strapless dress (bat wings anyone?). So the plan got into full gear and yesterday I started S. Beach.

Since I'm not very good at this weight loss thing and I either have to tell NO ONE or be as open as possible, I am choosing the latter. I am going to be open and honest and YOU PEOPLE are the lucky recipients of my openness. I apologize. Wednesday night I did my measurements and had Mr. Sparky take pictures, which I'm going to do EVERY Thursday, whether I want to or not.

Here you go:

Weight - 187.2

Left Arm - 13.5"

Right Arm - 14"

Chest - 38" (without the boobs of course, I don't think my tapemeasure is that big)

Waist - 40" (at the smallest part! where my actual waist is,. The rest? not so pretty)

Hips - 46"

Left Thigh - 27" (do you know that some people have waists this small???)

Right Thigh - 27"

Left Calf - 17"

Right Calf - 16.5"

Now for the picture. I was going to go all Bi.ggest L.oser but then I looked in the mirror and thought people might read this and then vomit. I wouldn't want to be responsible for vomit, I am NOT that kind of girl. DISCLAIMER - This was NOT how I envisioned my internet debut. I am saddened by this.

My head looks extremely small, I think it is the angle, Mr. Sparky was sitting on the couch looking up.

** as an aside, I think all those doctor charts for weight are a bunch of crap and they can kiss by overweight behind. I'm 5'6 , big boned(for real, not just because I"m fat) and they want me to weigh 125. Yeah right.

Prayer

2009-03-18T08:39:00.002-07:00

Friends of ours need some collective prayer, so I am calling on all the praying people who read this.

I don't know if I've mentioned these friends of ours here before or not, but they have a beautiful little girl (16 months) who has a terrible disease (it begins with Eos and I cannot remember after that) where her body thinks all food(except water) is attacking her, so it attacks the food. This makes her completely unable to eat anything. She is on special formula that smells like gasoline and is fed through an NG tube. Luckily she is covered by the state medical care so they do not have to worry about her medical expenses. Which are astronomical.

She has five doctors appointments each month, two of them are in Phx at the children's hospital where she undergoes a biopsy of her intestine to determine how things are going, imagine a pint sized colonoscopy. Very disturbing.

And her parents are amazing. They are strong (not yet believers but working that way every day) people who are amazing and put their lives to the side so they can completely focus on their little girl. I know you do what you have to when your child is sick, but these people have an attitude that I have never seen. Nothing gets them down.

Yesterday we found out the dad lost his job. And the mom has to stay at home with the daughter because she can't be left at a day care, it's too dangerous. They just moved into a new home, one that is clean and safe since their last one wasn't. We live in a VERY small town and jobs are very difficult to come by.

Please, please pray for this family. It breaks my heart that they are having to go through all of this.

Interview Questions 1.0

2009-03-08T14:12:00.004-07:00

Awhile ago Maggie was interviewed for her blog and she decided to do some interviewing herself. Here are her questions.

1. How did you meet your husband? (I am asking everyone this question. I am nosy.) I used to work at Needless Markup. I worked with a woman who thought I should meet her son. He lived in Podunk and I lived in Phoenix so I thought if it went bad I would never have to see him again, so why not. Plus it had been a REALLY long time since I had been on a date and thought it couldn't hurt. Our first date wasn't really a date, it was more of a group thing - the woman I worked with, her boyfriend, another co-worker, myself and the mystery date.

The second I rang the doorbell the door opened and there was Mr. Sparky, tall, blond, blue eyed. Totally NOT my type. He tried to say something, but my co-worker whisked me away before I could even tell him my name!** We were holed up in his mother's bedroom so she could finish getting ready. Now mind you, this is the first time I had ever been to this woman's house, let alone done anything with her outside of work. It was a bit...awkward. Especially since there was a man in the living room with whom I was supposed to be having a date with, and I hadn't even been able to say hello!

Finally we were ready to leave for our destination. BOWLING. Now, I normally would have thought a first date of bowling weird, but since this was a "group" date and not a "normal" date, I thought it would be fun. And it was. Except I had more of a date with my co-worker than with Mr. Sparky. He was very shy, and maybe only said five words the first hour or so. So we ate, bowled and had a few beers. Everything was going fine until Mr. Sparky went to bowl. He got everything all lined up and went to throw the ball and something happened. To tell you the truth, I'm not really sure what happened. All I know is that one minute he was walking toward the lane and the next he was completely in the air, bowling ball flying across someone elses lane!

Mr. Sparky was mortified! And all I could do was laugh. Some first date huh? We ended the night and I gave him my number because I felt he really hadn't had a fair shot at a good first impression. I thought the worst that could happen was that I made a new friend and that another date couldn't be as bad as the first.

And I was right. Six weeks after our second date we were engaged and 10 months and two weeks after we met, we were married. That was four and half years ago. I would say it turned out to be a very successful date!

** He had tried to say something but nothing really came out. A few months later he finally admitted to me he was so struck by my beauty he couldn't get his mouth to work right! I was a total puddle of goo after he told me that!

2. What are you worries or, maybe, what do you think the challenges will be about parenting a biracial child? We are in kind of sort of similar boats and I'm always wondering what other people are thinking in this regard. I will answer this question another time as it will require an entire post all on it's own.

3. Does Mr. Sparky drive a Cop Car? Have you ridden in it? Did you get to turn on the sirens? DO TELL. Yes, Mr. Sparky does drive a cop car. He has a 2008 Tahoe that he gets to park in our driveway. It's quite the deterrent to people who want to break into the house. I have gone on a ride-a-long with him and yes, I have gotten to turn the lights and sirens on. I have also gone 110 down a busy highway during rush hour while people refuse to get out of the way. VERY SCARY.

Also? PULL OVER FOR THE COPS MORONS.

He also let me use his radar gun and I got to witness him give a ticket to the person that I caught going 50 in a 25. It was awesome.

4. I'm always curious about everyone's introduction to the internet. How did you get started? What blogs did you read first? I randomly came across Julie in 2005, a few months before we started trying to get pregnant. I don't know how I got there but I read her entire blog in about a week. From there I found Arwen and Maggie, and tons of other amazingly funny and talented women. I got to know their stories and I cried with them and agonized with them and rejoiced with them. Then I decided to start my own. I can't believe it will be two years this summer.

5. You turned 29 not too long ago. When you hit 30 will you say your 20s were well spent? I would like to say that yes, they were, but I don't know if that will be the case. My 20s have been rife with horrible struggles, most I've written about, a few of the more personal ones I haven't. I feel a mixture of emotions when I think about my 20s. I found my husband and I've made some of the best friends I will ever have, most I will keep for life. But it seems the bad outweigh the good and I don't know how to come to grips with that.

I know that is how my life is and there is nothing I can do to change the past. I have a lot of pent up anger about our infertility and our adoption journey. I have a lot of anger that I have a disease that has no cure and that the "treatments" don't seem to work for me. But through all those bad things, there has come an immeasurable strength that I would have never achieved without all the heartache and frustrations. Maybe I will be able to answer this question better in a few years, when I can look back at my 20s and some of the wounds aren't so fresh. Good question Maggie. I hadn't really thought about how to answer until I started writing. It's a good introspective question.

So that's it for now. I'll tackle question 2 sometime soon. But for now I have a dirty kitchen and a husband who needs to wake up. I think I'll take my time enjoying the husband, the kitchen can wait.

The Precious

2009-02-28T22:29:00.009-07:00

There are days where I really want to write and I have all these ideas in my head. Today is not one of these days. I have spent the last three hours glued to the computer working on my project. Yeah, that was a long time ago. After some hemming and hawing and some annoyance by the government, I decided to suck it up and start.

So I have nothing. My brain is mush and I also downloaded all 472 pictures from my camera to my computer. I also sorted and renamed all 472 pictures. I am wasted. So here is a lovely photo essay of The Precious.

This is how we normally find him after we've been gone. He's NOT allowed up there, but don't tell him that!

Then one day I found him like this. He absolutely hates anything covering his head, so I can't imagine how this happened. So I crept closer...***

and closer ...

Until I got to here. He heard me and made it known he was not pleased with the circumstances.

But!! How do you not take advantage of this opportunity? It will never happen again and it is so cute!

Now enjoy a video from a few weeks ago after an interesting winter storm. I have no idea what we are saying in the end except for his ball is lost somewhere under the snow. Almost six inches after it finally stopped snowing!

*** Why yes, my husband does have a blacked out face all the time, thank you for asking. He normally is not so camera shy, just when his mug is on the web. Something about being a cop and bad guys and safety and yeah. So I take his protection seriously. I like my hubby alive and well. Plus I got yelled at for having my Facebook page public. Ooops!

The Crazies

2009-02-19T12:30:00.003-07:00

I never write about work here and technically what I'm about to write isn't really work. Sort of.

I got a phone call today from a woman who NEEDED our help. She began to ramble on and here is the conversation:

Lady - I wanted to do a reverse mortgage but wasn't old enough so I deeded my house over to an elderly friend and then the friend died and how do I get my house back?

Me - Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha . Except I really only did that in my head, because laughing out loud at her would have been rude. All I could say was, ummmm, hold on a minute. Then my boss got on the phone and we all gathered around for a good long listen to the craziest conversation we've heard in a while.

Needless to say, this woman, while trying to fraudulently gain money she wasn't able to access, screwed herself. Big time. She deeded her house to her friend and then the friend died without a will. Her friend's heirs will now get the house (after it goes through probate - hello, 6 months to 3 years!) and only if they are nice or even know anything about the situation could this woman even think about getting her house back.

She is now living in a house that doesn't belong to her which she will have to vacate. All because she was GREEDY. People? Don't be stupid. You get what you deserve in the end.

On a side note - I thought I have been handling this whole failed match thing quite well, but apparently I have not. I have vamped up an eating disorder I thought I had well under control. I have also been a puddle of mush the last few days and have no real reason, no triggers to identify. I have never told anyone about this eating disorder, so it's weird that I would feel comfortable telling the whole wide world. I guess I just love you all too much.

Thank You

2009-02-08T09:46:00.003-07:00

I want to thank all of you for your kind words. It's so nice to have so much support from so many!

We are doing fine, in fact by Monday we had processed everything and new that we would be ok. Our new caseworker called Tuesday night and I spent 45 minutes telling her all our grievances of the past year and she was wonderful. She apologized for not telling us, she didn't know that was her job (she is new and wasn't sure when she would be taking over our case so there was a TON of miscommunication throughout the agency) and I told her we weren't upset with her, just with how everything in general has been handled.

I explained our frustrations with our previous caseworker and L (new caseworker) explained she does things differently than E (old caseworker). L has been in the business for a very.long.time. I feel very comfortable with her and so far she seems to be very accessible.

We have made the decision to go ahead and change our profile to be shown to mothers with bi-racial babies. Although we were told this would insure we were shown more frequently (they seem to be having an influx of bi-racial babies at the moment) this wasn't the reason we decided to go that way.

After much consideration and prayer, we decided that God is definitely moving us into that direction, and who are we to say no to God. I've done that too many times in the past to know not to do that anymore, no matter how unsure of His road we are.

We've had several people (outside of the adoption/infertility world, aka real life people) ask us why we aren't mad at the parents. I actually had to stop one friend from becoming belligerent in her anger towards the parents. There is NO WAY we could ever be mad at them and I don't think the outside people in our lives get that. And that to me is sad. These two are just kids! There is no way they could be expected to make adult decisions at a time like this. Adults really couldn't even be expected to make adult decisions in this situation.

During my conversation to L she told me she was meeting with the mother the next day and I asked if she would tell her that we weren't mad at them and that we still care for them and that we are praying for them. I know that our words will not change their outlook and that we are not responsible for their reactions or choices, but we wanted them to know that we still care a great deal for them, even if this child was not meant to be ours.

Everyone said from day one that this match was from God. And I don't doubt that He had a hand in this. The way I see it now is that we were used by Him to get these two into counseling, into support. There is still a possibility that this could be our child. There is still 18 weeks until this baby is born, more than enough time for them to change their minds back and forth a million times. We don't want to force the issue, in fact we will no longer have contact with them. But we are not closing the door to this baby, we are praying for his/her safety and health as well as the mom's.

We have been taken off of the hold list and put back in the pool. If we aren't matched before this baby is born and the parents decided at the end that they still want us to be the parents, we will gladly welcome this baby into our home. But we will not be waiting by the phone. L has already promised us that she will not call us every time they change their mind. Which is good. We had already decided that if they do still want us to be the parents, we don't want to know until after the baby is born. To give them time to meet the baby and truly make the decision without us being there as a distraction, or make them feel threatened in any way.

We know that someday we will be parents, God has made that very clear to us. We just need to trust in Him and rely upon Him and know that in His time, not ours. But isn't that what faith is all about? Relying and trusting even the things seem to be falling apart? It's been hard, but we know that is what He wants.

2009-02-01T15:06:00.002-07:00

They decided to keep the baby.

Our agency has known for several days and no one bothered to tell us.

I've never felt so sick before.

I can see 30 from here

2009-01-15T12:03:00.004-07:00

My birthday was on Tuesday.

I turned 29.

Besides Christmas (the whole season), my birthday is my favorite holiday.

It was one of the worst birthdays on record.

I woke in a foul mood, as I am wont to do after days without decent sleep, to a husband who was being a total jackass. And I let him know it too. Work proceeded to be just as crappy as the morning had started and by the time I got home I was in a pretty terrible mood.

There was one thing that could still redeem the day and I had been looking forward to it all.day.long.

On my birthday I don't cook or do the dishes, that is the rule. I don't care if we go out or we eat mac n cheese, as long as I don't have to make it or clean up after it, it is the best meal ever. I walked into the kitchen from the garage and immediately my blood boiled and I was so ticked. The kitchen was trashed (from the previous TWO nights dishes as I cook and the Mr. cleans, supposedly) and he asked ME what was for dinner. AND he was still in his pajamas (he works nights and sleeps days so really, not as lazy as that made him sound)!

So while I cooked and started cleaning the kitchen he sat there and stared at me. Never once did he offer to help clean or cook dinner, or take me out so I wouldn't have to. I cannot even begin to describe how livid I was.

Then came the card. I'm not sure if I've shared this story before but two years ago on my birthday he gave me a card. And on the cover of this card was a couple holding hands and walking along the beach. How romantic, no? But my reaction was not what he had intended, nor hoped for I'm sure. I threw the card down and looked absolutely irate. He was totally perplexed until I held the card up and read it to him.

To my big, strong, black, beautiful woman.

Now, does anyone else see why I would be a tad bit upset by this? And really, it's not the fact of the wording, it's not even the fact that the couple on the cover were black. HE NEVER LOOKED AT THE CARD IN THE STORE. HE GRABBED IT AND LEFT***. He did admit he never looked at it after I confronted him and my 27th birthday was miserable. And we were on a trip, with friends. Very AWKWARD.

Back to the card. After that I told him he better be sure to at least read the cards he bought. S this year it never crossed my mind. I read this beautiful card about how this man loved his woman so much and how her soft, brown toned voice made him feel secure. I had to read that last sentence a few times to figure out what was wrong with it. Brown tones. Brown tones? So I turn the card over and ... you guessed it! It was a Mahogany card, Hall **marks African-American line of greeting cards.

I lost it. I threw the card at him and probably louder than I intended said some very un-Christianly four letter words and suggested he never buy me a card again. The rest of the night was spent in total silence.

He apologized. And I don't know if I'm ready to accept it yet. He still has not asked if there is anything he can do to make up for my horrendous birthday. I even told him I wanted a do-over and he laughed at me.

I know this must make me sound like a total spoiled brat, but I don't ask for much from my husband. I don't ask for gifts for my birthday (I can't remember the last time we did birthday presents) and I never ask him to cook. It's my one day a year that is just about me, not about anyone else and he just doesn't get it. And it doesn't help that I'm low on sleep and short on nerves and very much frayed.

Re-reading all of this still makes me want to cry two days later. I'm still angry and he is still being a jerk. I hate this. Someday it will get better, I know that. But someday seems really, really far away.

***lest anyone think I am racist, I am not. anyone would be upset because their husband was so inconsiderate as to even READ THE DAMN card before buying it.

Ambivalence

2009-01-07T11:51:00.002-07:00

So.

Since I hadn't heard from our agency as of 1:30 yesterday (I left a message on Friday people! How hard is it to pick up the phone?) I decided to call the local pregnancy worker and she what she had to say.

She was very excited and had actually heard about M(birthmom) several weeks ago through the grapevine and had been praying for her. I gave her M's number and an hour later she called me back saying they had an appointment today at 1:00. She talked to N (birthdad) and he told her M wasn't doing so well, emotionally. She was very scared and had a ton of questions. So I was glad to hear that they would be meeting so soon, as we are very concerned about her and N's emotional wellbeing, not just us getting a baby.

Last night Mr. Sparky and I talked a lot about the situation and how we were very concerned for M and N and that we didn't want to be part of all this stress. This morning I called the pregnancy worker and asked her to relay a few things to M and N. We will be more than willing to not go to the ultrasound if that would make it less stressful. We also, even though we want a relationship with them, want it to be on their terms and for them not to feel scared to tell us to back off if they feel we are getting to be a little... much.

The pregnancy worker was very pleased by this ( I guess some prospective parents can be very demanding - which I totally don't get!) and promised she would relay our message and call us back after their meeting. I have 62 minutes until their meeting starts.

As it turns out, we needn't (is that a word? I don't think so but it works) have worried about the ultrasound issue. I got a message from M saying this appointment would only be a regular check up and that the first ultrasound wouldn't be until 20 weeks and she would call me to let me know when that would be. Even if she is lying it doesn't matter. I can't imagine how I would feel in this situation and if that is how she needs to handle it, then so be it. She is only 18 and I would probably do the same thing at - gasp! - almost 29.

And now to the ambivalence. I know you were wondering where that was. Besides the very brief and explosive emotions of Friday, and to be honest that only really lasted about the first five phone calls, I have no emotions. I have no overwhelming desire to start really getting the baby's room organized, I have no excitment about having a June baby (which by the way at 1:00 this morning I realized that the M's birthday is in June too. I don't know what to think about that except be sad for M right now).

I do know that the rest of the world is way more excited than either me or Mr. Sparky at the moment. I am having issues with this. Why am I not more excited? Why can't I get all giggly and sappy when I think about the fact that in 6 very short months we will be parents? A co-worker tells me I am protecting myself. And I pray that is true, because if this lack of feeling persists, I'm not sure what I will do.

Logically I know once we see the baby on the screen and find out the gender and really bond and once M and N are able to share their feelings with someone other than us, it will begin to seem real. I still am having a hard time believing she is actually pregnant (still. get over it already! she's pregnant!). Any other adoptive moms out there feel like this, or is it just me?

The Rest of the Story

2009-01-04T10:51:00.002-07:00

Thank you all so much for your encouraging and wonderful comments! I always know that there will be someone to celebrate with in the internets.

So, I'm sure you all want to hear the rest of the story.

We made plans to meet at C.h.i.l.i.'s at 1:00 on Friday. We spent the previous night in Phoenix so we drove up that morning. It was a horribly long two hours and I kept praying that there wouldn't be an accident on I-17 there is only one way up and one way down. But of course God kept our path clear and we got there with no problems.

We pulled into our garage by 12:15 and by 12:45 I was pacing the house, ready to go. Of course Mr. Sparky was laughing because we live right behind the restaurant and it only takes a few minutes to get there. But I threatened life or limb and we left.

By 1:00 they weren't there and I was starting to get nervous. The hostess kept asking us if we wanted to go ahead and get a table and we kept saying no we'll wait. I wanted to shoot her in the head! Just shut up about the table already!

Mr. Sparky said that if they weren't there by 1:15 we would leave and call them later. I, of course, was very much NOT ok with this plan. By 1:10 I was starting to tear up and literally thought I was going to puke all over the lobby. But my husband was good and kept calming me down. I went to the bathroom to wash my hands (that's what I do when I'm nervous) and call my friend S. She said we should call them (except all I have is there home number) and I went back to the lobby to tell Mr. Sparky I was going to call.

I kept thinking this was a scam, or maybe she really isn't pregnant and they are trying to get money out of us (which legally we can't give them anything anyway) or maybe they just got scared and didn't want to meet us yet. Of course the whole is she really pregnant thing is still wandering around in my head, even though I know she is and it is foolish. I can't help it.

So, at the exact moment I was getting ready to call, they walked in. And a whole new set of nerves joined the mixed. We were really excited because she brought the father with her and we really wanted to meet him but weren't sure he was going to come. We sat down and ordered drinks and tried to look at the menus without letting the conversation fall flat. There were a few moments of awkward silences throughout the meal but that is to be expected. It's an odd conversation you have with two people you've never meet and want them to give us their baby. Very odd indeed.

Anyway, everything went very well, we are all on the same page as far as contact and how the baby should be raised. They are both believers which was huge for us and the fact that we are was huge for them. Mr. Sparky asked if they had or will be meeting with anyone else and they said they were going to look into an agency but after meeting us they both felt really comfortable with the placement and felt like they didn't need to look any further.

We told them as we were getting ready to leave that we didn't want to pressure them into a decision (even though they already told us they want us at all the dr's appointments and at the delivery) and they said they did want to go home and talk about it, but it's pretty much a done deal. Of course they could always change their minds, they do have six months and she hasn't heard the heartbeat, felt the baby move or seen her stomach grow yet. So we'll see. We've got many people praying for this situation and God is in control, so whatever happens will happen and we are guarding our hearts.

But I've already fallen in love.

I'll post the ultrasound pictures after the appointment this week and will let you know how much more in love I've fallen with our baby once we've actually seen his/her little heartbeat.

June 23, 2009

2009-01-02T16:28:00.002-07:00

June 23, 2009 - due date

January 8, 2009 - first ultrasound.

They want us there for everything.

Too many emotions running through me to get anything out.

We are beyond thrilled.

A Story

2008-12-30T12:05:00.003-07:00

A man and a woman had a beautiful son. It was such a surprise pregnancy (they got pregnant right after the wedding) but very much adored nonetheless. They decided they wanted a huge family and tried very unsuccessfully to have more children. Five years and just as many miscarriages later, they decided to adopt.

Immediately they were drawn to this image of a little Haitian boy who desperately needed a family. After a few quick minutes of prayer (the woman new immediately that this was to be their son) they called the agency and the process was started.

Now this was a long process, a two year process from beginning to end(I know this is not really long but they were told by the agency it would be a nine month wait until they could bring their son home) with lots of twists and turns. They were initially told that he was an only child orphaned by his parents at a young age. In reality he had an older sister and their mother was still in the picture, just not capable of feeding and clothing them. After much consideration ( I think it was actually about five minutes) they decided they needed to bring home his sister as well.

Two years ago this past Saturday this man and woman brought their new children home. They have and will always celebrate this day with a dinner out and a lovely celebration. It is always the children's choice where they go eat. This year they chose Coco's. And the man and woman were mystified since neither of the children had ever eaten there before. But that is what they wanted so they loaded up the car on Saturday and went to Coco's.

Halfway through their meal the man got up and found their waitress. He explained to her that it was their Second Adoption Birthday celebration and could she please bring out some pie after dinner. For some reason the waitress started to cry. She apologized for the outburst but continued on. She is 18, unwed and 14 weeks pregnant. She cannot keep her child because she is in school. She wants to give her child the life it deserves, a life she and the baby's father cannot give it at this time. She wants to place this baby with a Christian couple but doesn't know how to go about this.

The man and woman sat and talked to her for quite some time and shared with her a couple they know who has been waiting for a child for a very long time. She gives the man and woman her name and phone number and they leave the restaurant, briefly pausing to think about adding this baby to their family too.

I came home Saturday night to a message on our machine from our neighbor. It was too late to call so I waited until Sunday morning. When she relayed the above story to me my heart almost burst. I couldn't stop shaking as I wrote down this brave young woman's name and number. I woke Mr. Sparky up (which he was not too pleased with as he had just gone to bed a few hours earlier) and we prayed and called our pastor and prayed some more and then I called her. And we talked for 10 minutes about our situations.

We are taking her to lunch this Friday at 1:00. Friday seems a million years away. I fear I will die before the day comes from anticipation. I sat in the completed nursery that has been waiting for a baby for so very long. Thinking of the possibility that in six months it will be filled with a child, our child.

Thank you Lord for this opportunity. Please keep my heart and emotions in check.

14 Days

2008-12-18T12:25:00.003-07:00

14 days until my very cool (hopefully) unveiling of the project I mentioned awhile back. I am fully aware that this may flop and not take off, but God is in control and if He wants this to be a good thing, than who am I to stand in His way, huh?

So yeah. 14 days. I've got a lot of work to do!

Also, I'm off for 9.5 days as of tomorrow at noon!

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow!

2008-12-16T11:59:00.002-07:00

It's finally snowing here. We are in the midst of a huge and nasty winter storm. Betcha didn't think it snows in Arizona did ya?

It has been really cold here. Sunday night the sky was clear and the wind was howling and it must have been 11 degrees with wind chill. Guess what I did that night.

I drove myself to the hospital.

With only one eye functioning.

I had a horrific migraine, one I haven't had in nearly 10 years. I get them every now and then, but this was pure torture. It started at bible study and progressed to the point that I couldn't drive home. So my friends dropped me off and I promptly ran to puke. And then I couldn't stop. I coulnd't keep anything down, let alone any pain meds so I had no other choice but to drive the half mile (thank goodness it is only half a mile to the hospital!) with one eye covered with a damp washcloth while I drove 15 miles and hour.

Being at the hospital alone is pretty crappy. But I got the meds I needed, thankfully there was no wait and I waltzed right in and everyone was very nice.That is one of the down sides to having your spouse work 45 miles away. He can't just drop everything and take you to the hospital.

But I'm good now. Thankfully. I also managed to miss 3.5 days of work due to a wicked cold and then the migraine. I"m grateful next week is Christmas and I won't have to work at all!

Thank you Mr. Pharmacist for a good dose of embarrasement

2008-12-12T12:18:00.003-07:00

He wanted to go inside, I said no - the parking lot is full and the drive through is empty.

I am thanking my lucky stars we didn't go inside. It was bad enough at the drive through.

The pharmacist was elderly and apparently had a hearing problem. I wasn't driving and couldn't make eye contact due to Mr. Sparky's head being in the way. However. The way the drive through is situated you can see directly to the massive line of waiting people inside.

As Mr. Sparky was taking the medication out of the drawer the pharmacist, in his loudest voice possible, started explaining how to use the medication.

Pharmacist - "There are only five applicators in the packet so she'll have to reuse one or two to make it through the whole seven days."

Mr. Sparky - "Ok"

Pharmacist - "Now, make sure she doesn't place the applicator all the way into the VAGINA. Ok? SHE REALLY SHOULD NOT PLACE THE APPLICATOR ALL THE WAY INTO THE VAGINA, OK? NOT ALL THE WAY INTO THE VAGINA AT ALL.*

Mr. Sparky - "Ok"**

I was dying the whole time watching everyone in line stare out the window at us because the pharmacist was using the loud speaker to explain this to us. No joke. I will never be able to go to that pharmacy again. And it is the only one in town.

* - Pharmacists emphasis, not mine.
** - Mr. Sparky tried to say OK, but it didn't really come out that way. It was more of an okayohmygoodnessgetmeoutofhere ok. All the while he turned shades of red I have never seen before.

And he wanted to go inside!

This is why you should always listen to your wife.

Amen.

It's amazing what can happen when you say the right words **UPDATED

2008-12-04T12:11:00.003-07:00

Thanksgiving was great. The days since then have been a bottomless pit of total suckage. But we will persevere. I'm committed to this marriage and come hell or high water I will not get divorced. But I really don't want to be married right at this exact moment.

On a lighter note. Yesterday I called to make an appointment with my OBGYN due to some...irregularities. And found the RN I see had finally jumped ship and moved to my old OBGYN's office. So I called there and left a message at 11:45 a.m.

I never heard back. Today has been all sorts of horrible topped with an additional helping of, wow this really sucks. This is where I share perhaps just a bit too much, but I don't' care and really, neither do you. You know you're going to read it no matter how much I share. It's what we do.

I got my period last Tuesday right on schedule. Except it was different. and short. and lighter than normal. It lasted all of a day and a half and there was no ... ahem...extra stuff. I will leave it at that. Then the cramping started and hasn't really stopped since then. This morning it feels as if my ovaries are trying to escape to the tropics and are digging out with a dull spoon alternated by a sharp knife.

On top of that I've felt like I was going to start again. You know how you have that feeling? Yeah, I was sitting at my desk this morning and suddenly had to run to bathroom because suddenly I was a tad wet. But alas there was no red and all white, which I don't do. I just don't, it's not a thing my body seems to find enjoyable to produce. So I called my dear nurse friend who is also dealing with infertility but has a beautiful 1 year old and told her what was up. She said it was probably three things - I'm pregnant, have a cyst or am getting ready to ovulate.

I don't think it's the first one, not too sure about the second and the third is ridiculous. Because I don't really think I've been truly ovulating this whole time. At least not strongly enough to do any good. So the whole wetness is weirding me out and making me run to the bathroom every fifteen minutes, because my GOODNESS, no one should ever have to feel like this unless they are peeing themselves.

So I call the doctor's office back and tell them I need to see my RN and she says I can't get in for at least two weeks and say HA! Well not really, but I reeled off about us trying to get pregnant, weird period, horrible cramping. And you know what? I have a two o'clock appointment today. Amen to being pushy.

So I will let you know what happens and whether or not they give me good drugs because I HURT folks. Would anyone like some under-performing ovaries? I've got two I'm giving away!

**I am not pregnant, which I already knew. I do not have a cyst, yea! I did...and here's the shocker...just ovulate. Really didn't see that one coming. But that is not what is causing my cramps and wacky cycle. You ready for this? STRESS. Stress is causing me to have a bacterial infection which is causing the cramps which could have caused the wonky period. When I called Mr. Sparky to tell him his response was? Where did you get that from in a lovely accusatory tone. Counseling will be so fun tonight.

Recap of ...well... Months

2008-11-23T14:11:00.004-07:00

So I didn't get to go drink with the cops. When I got home Mr. Sparky said they already had too many people. Which was ok because I had a headache and didn't really feel like getting schnockered.

On to the recap.
We went on vacation to a beautiful mountain town called Greer. My in-laws have been going their since the early 50's. We stayed in a cute little two-bedroom cabin and had a wonderful time. We were gone for five days, it was so relaxing. We most decidedly did not want to come home.

We both love to back road and spend time just driving through nature. And since there are MANY forest roads throughout the White Mountains (the part of the state we were in) we were never in the cabin for long.

We went through some amazing country! The weather was perfect, low 60's and sun the whole time. It only rained on our way up there and then the clouds parted and the birds sang and ... it was really nice. We celebrated our fourth anniversary while we were there (it really wasn't until the 16th, but we decided to "celebrate" early. We both came back very refreshed and ready to get back into real life.

Except...

Real life really sucks right now. We have been having problems for the past year, communication issues mostly, and they came to a head shortly after we got back. I don't really want to go into too much detail since Mr. Sparky isn't able to voice his side. Let's just say if divorce were an option we may have taken that route. But it isn't an option. Four years ago we both made a promise to each other to honor and respect and stick around during good times and bad. Well, we are in the bad and we're sticking together.

Life has been very hard for me these past three or four weeks. Three people have announced pregnancies and I'm spending Thanksgiving with my dad's very pregnant boss. She's great, we all love their family, it's just that I was hoping not to have to spend Thanksgiving talking pregnancy and baby talk and adoption talk. I just wanted things to be normal.

I almost quit my job, but they gave me a raise and less responsibility instead! Can't really beat that. Plus I've cut back my hours and am only working a half day on Fridays. I actually figured it out and Mr. Sparky and I spend 12.5 hours a week together. That is just not enough. Especially since we're trying to mend our marriage.

One good thing that's happened since I"ve been gone - we got our certification letter in the mail. I know it doesn't get us any closer to a baby, but it's one more step we're finished with. We've had our profile up for five months now and have only had a few people view it. That's frustrating. There is also a shortage of white babies in the Valley. Wow, that looks horrible written down. We talked about the fact that if we chose an hispanic or black baby that we could be parents by the end of the year. It is so hard not to call our caseworker and say "Yes! We will take a baby, any baby!". But we know what is right for our family and for where we live. I still feel like I have to justify our decision. I know I don't, but I get that feeling that people are silently judging us.

Anyway, we had our first counseling session on Thursday and it was amazing! The guy we're seeing goes to our church and actually is the dad of one of the guys Mr. Sparky works with. We really respect their whole family and are very encouraged by the tools he's given us so far. He's very real and very true. Not one of those people who makes you feel stupid for having problems. So we're working on it and it will take time and we will be stronger in the end.

I'm not going to lie, it's hard. I feel so alone, so isolated. I haven't been able to even type any of this out for so long, it's just so painful to read. I'm truly surrounded by wonderful, caring, supportive people, but they don't get it. And they can't. I've been shying away from this wonderful support group I've got in the computer as well. It's hard to watch babies and bellies grow. It's hard to hear about matches and impending births.

But we're moving on, slowly but steadily. I'm trying to read my bible and pray. It's been a battlefield between me and God lately and I'm not winning. Slowly we will heal and we WILL BE PARENTS SOON. It just may not be our definition of soon.

I'm working on something big (as in $$$ maker, hopefully) and will be launching it soon. I really wanted it to be up and running before the end of the year, but I don't see that happening. I've got to focus on me and my marriage first, businesses second.

Thank you all for being here and listening to all the junk. Even though a lot of you don't comment (which is totally ok, I don't either) I know you're reading and I know you're walking right next to me when I need it most.

Drinking with Cops

2008-11-20T15:55:00.002-07:00

I'm going to go get drunk with a bunch of cops tonight.

And then they are going to make me do fun tests to see if I'm really drunk.

It's totally philanthropic. Sort of. The police academy is having their HGN (do not ask me what it stands for, I can't remember) night and I am going to be a volunteer so they can graduate. Plus Mr. Sparky needs to finish five more things so he can be certified. It should be fun. Hope I don't do anything inappropriate.

We went to our first counseling session today and it was good. But you probably didn't know anything was wrong so I'll have to fill you in on that later. Maybe after I get home tonight. Mmmm, drunk blogging. That should be fun!

Can't Stop Laughing

2008-11-12T10:48:00.004-07:00

New Look

2008-11-07T16:17:00.003-07:00

I'm working on a new look for my blog so I apologize if it's hard to read for a while. I"m not trying to give you a headache on purpose.

Oh yeah. We got our approval from the court today.

42 Days & The 44th President

2008-11-04T11:59:00.003-07:00

It has been 42 days since I've last posted. A lot has gone on in that time and I just haven't felt like writing. But that is for another day.

I saw McCain speak last night. I wasn't truly inspired, but I suppose after flying to 7 different states in one day and not getting to your last stop until almost 1:00 am one would be quite tuckered. Plus it was cold and windy.

I voted today. For my beliefs and values. But it was hard. I have not been excited about my party's candidate for quite some time and I had been hoping to have some excitement about where our country is headed. But there was no other option. I so strongly disagree with everything Obama stands for.

This was a hard election, just like 2004. I cannot wait until today is over to see what's going to happen to our world.

A Baby Shower. For Me?

2008-09-24T10:54:00.003-07:00

Monday I got a phone call from my friend S. She wants to throw me a baby shower. As in before the baby gets here. I think it is weird and she thinks it is necessary. Part of me thinks "cool, baby stuff" and part of me thinks "crack-pot!"

I e-mailed Rebekah who is having her own baby shower (coincidentally the same day I am) and asked how she is handling the whole thing and she was very affirming of my freaked-outed-ness, that she felt the same way and now she is ok with it because it's fun to open presents and eat cake (my words not hers).

So there it is. I'm still not 100% ok with the idea. I mean, how do you explain that you are having a shower for a baby that may not even be conceived yet? Weird. I guess I need some time to process the whole thing. Good thing we are already registered and don't really need to worry about that too much.

We will have this shower now, before the baby comes, then AFTER the baby arrives we will have another shower in the Valley of the Sun (Phx) where I am originally from. That way we get the essentials now and all the fun gender specific stuff later. Plus the people in Phx won't get to see the baby a ton and it will be a good way to introduce the baby to them.

In other news, I have lost four pounds in two days. I wasnt' going to weigh myself until Monday, but I could already see changes in my face and other areas and was a little curious. I guess I should do inches since I'm probably losing more of those than pounds right now, but I suck at that.

I am also EXHAUSTED. There has been little sleep on my side of the pull-out sofa bed that we have been sleeping on in our living room since Saturday due to the Great Skunk Debacle of 2008. I'll have to explain that later, let's just say it stinks. Get it? Stinks? Skunk? Whatever, I'm tired, leave me alone.

I may have undone the four pound lose this morning as I treated myself to a Pumpkin Sp*ce Latte. We have a HUGE event tomorrow for work and yours truly is so OVER THIS STUPID EVENT . I am stressed, not sleeping, totally fried. Only 24 more hours and months of hard work will be done. My boss asked me this morning if I was ready for it to be over. I told him a friend of mine asked if we did this monthly. He said he couldn't pay me enough to do this monthly. Amen.

We also go on vacation in 10 days! Perhaps I will just sleep the whole week. Mmmmm, sleep.

Hot by Thirty

2008-09-22T15:40:00.002-07:00

A few months ago I decided that I was tired of being fat. I've been heavy most of my life, usually being one of the heaviest kids in my classes. And while most of my friends would say I'm not FAT, like obese fat, I am not happy with my body. So I set a goal - in shape by thirty. I have 15 months to get healthy.

And it's funny timing that Maggie should go ahead and start the same thing. Except she's going to be thirty WAY before me. The last time Maggie decided to get us all on a health kick I got an e-mail FOUR DAYS INTO IT saying that she was pregnant. And quiting. Whatever. This time I know she will not do the same thing to me.

So I decided this weekend that I am going to do S*uth Beach diet and really do it this time. And you all are going to be my accountability. I know there are at least four of you who read this drivel on a somewhat regular basis and that should be enough for me to be real and honest. Plus I'm tired of being fat.

Yesterday I noticed my face looked a little pudgy. I usually gain and lose in my face first so I can always tell when it's time to reign in the ice cream. I haven't stepped on my scale in quite some time as it has held a new job - magazine rack. This morning I cleared it off and me and my birthday suit stepped on. And my jaw dropped. I have gained at least five pounds in the past few weeks. Enough is enough.

So let's get real. As of this morning I weigh 187.4 pounds. I am 5'6" so that really is quite a bit. By no means is it the heaviest I've ever been. When I was on a liquid diet (read: alcohol) I weighed a little over 200. By the time I got married (1.5 years after I stopped the liquid diet) I weighed 157. My goal weight at the time was 145, and that is still where I would like to be.

I have never weighed that. Oh, I'm sure at some point in my life I did, but it hasn't been in the last 15 years. I was 160 pounds in junior high and 175 by the time I graduated high school. My weight has fluctuated since then and I am DONE. I am done being uncomfortable in a size 16, done being self-conscious around all my skinny friends (which is ALL OF THEM THEY SUCK) and I am tired of being tired. My husband loves me just the way I am (of course, he has to) but I would like for him to have a hot wife. At least a wife who believes she is hot which is a totally different thing, but whatever, that is not what I am talking about now.

Last month I decided I was going to do the P.F. Chang's 1/2 marathon in January. My birthday is the 13th and the race is on the 18th so I figured it would be a great birthday present to myself. I have no intentions of running the whole thing, but I would like to run at least half (6 miles) and then run the WHOLE marathon on my 30th birthday. These are lofty goals and I suck at keeping my goals. But I really want to be healthy for our kids and myself. Plus God has given me this body and I have totally trashed it. I feel like I should take better care of the gift he has given me.

I will take weekly pictures (if I can't do the whole pregnancy-watch-my-body-grow pictures then I think I should be able to do the watch-my-body-shrink pictures, no?) and post them along with my measurements, accomplishments and struggles. These pictures may or may not have a head attached to them. I'm not sure I'm ready to post my whole self on the internet.

So, 15 months to lose 43 pounds, that's 2.86 lbs a month. I know I can do this.

2008-09-18T10:07:00.001-07:00

I walked into my office and sat at my desk. It was piled so high with papers I couldn't even find my monitor. I looked up and suddenly the lobby was filled with clients. And they were yelling. I couldn't answer everyone's questions all at once and they would not stop yelling at me. There was one client whose documents were supposed to be ready and I couldn't find them, I don't even think I had notarized them yet.

They started coming around my desk and rifling through papers trying to find their documents. My boss walked in and wanted to know what was going on. I couldn't even begin to explain to him what was happening. I was at such a loss and feeling like I was drowning.

Somehow through the angry mob I managed to get out from behind my desk and tried to placate them. I turned around and sitting at my desk were two deputy sheriff's. One who I knew and the other I didn't. D (they deputy I knew) said he was meeting his dad and thought they would hang out at my office in the mean time. That was really perplexing.

I woke up in a sweat and looked around. My husband was asleep next to me and the dog was curled up on his pillow. It was the exact opposite feeling of the dream, it was totally peaceful.

We leave for a weeks vacation in the White Mountains in 15 days. I think I really need it.

Adult's and Their Toys

2008-09-11T14:36:00.005-07:00

At this very moment my husband is getting ready to testify. This is not at all abnormal seeing as he is a cop. But the subject matter of the trial is . . .different.

A man is being charged with domestic violence and aggravated assault against his wife. She has already plead guilty to the same charges. While I find domestic violence absolutely inexcusable and horrific, this case has a slight turn to it, making it almost a dramady.

When Mr. Sparky arrived on the scene these two had done a fairly good job of beating the crap out of each other. He asked what the issue was and it turns out it's over a certain, hmmm..... How to say this politely, it's over a certain collection of *ahem* toys.

And the best part? The guy is representing himself. And my husband is going to have to sex toys in front of a judge. With a straight face.

Sometimes I Wonder If My Mother Ever Dropped Me

2008-09-10T09:12:00.000-07:00

Last week Mr. Sparky and I decided that what the heck, let's actually try to make a baby this month.

Now I know what you are thinking. Make a baby? But you haven't proved to be too successful in that arena and you are smack dab in the middle of the adoption process. But whatever, you're adults.

So knowing that I should ovulate sometime around last Friday on Wednesday AND Thursday we made (and pardon the expression) mad monkey love. He even told me to lay with my legs in the air. And I did. And Saturday my boobs started to hurt and I started to not feel so good. Almost pms'ish and such. And I thought I was just losing my mind.

Until yesterday when I went to the bathroom and noticed a little ... spot. And I very calmly went back to my desk and finished out my day with nary a thought of a little egg implanting itself into my plushly lined uterus.

Except we all know that is not what really happened. I did go back to my desk and finish out my day but it was not calmly and there really wasn't much work done after that. I left and called my friend S and she totally freaked out and I went to Wal M*rt and bought pre-natals and went home and rubbed progesterone cream all over my belly.

Then I ignored myself all night because all I wanted to talk about was the fact that there could possibly, maybe, be a baby in my belly. And it was really hard to ignore myself because I was the only one home!

I decided that I would call the doctor because really, spotting on cycle day 18? NOT NORMAL. Then I woke up this morning with the worst cramps and I ruined one of my favorite pairs of underware (Totally my fault - I should have changed and put on a liner, but whatever). So I flew to work, opened up my Fertility Pal account and was once again stymied. I looked at the dates I had entered and looked at a calander. They didn't match.

So after a few head scratches and some quick calculations I realized that what I was having was NOT day 18 spotting thus leading me to believe there was a cute little prescious growing in my belly but day 27 bleeding. As in, now get this . . . . . my PERIOD.

This is why we do not have kids. If I cannot handle simple clicking of a mouse to enter in data, how the heck am I going to be able to take care of a BABY!

BREAKING NEWS *Updated

2008-09-04T13:13:00.003-07:00

We interrupt this blogging haitus with BREAKING NEWS!!

My husband just spent more to FIX our crappy vacuum cleaner than we PAID for it.

What is a girl to do.

*I saved us from certain overspending on a crap vacuum - I called the place told them not to do ANYTHING to it and I'd pick it up. We are now going to put that money into a GOOD vacuum. One that doesn't require an emptying every 10 minutes. Amen.

My life as I know it is no more...

2008-08-21T12:31:00.003-07:00

I went to the ladies room today at work.

I looked in the mirror.

I was suddenly overcome with shock and doubt.

I leaned as far into the mirror as possible without smashing my face into it.

I found a gray hair.

I am only 28.

I had never feared the gray hair, I had never really contemplated what I would do when I found my first (although it was certainly NOT THIS EARLY!). I sat there and stared at the colorless, wiry foe and thought about crying.

First Emotions

2008-08-20T14:31:00.002-07:00

We have been on this roller coaster for almost three years. I have borne the brunt of the emotional baggage in our relationship, that's just the way I'm wired. I've fretted and cried and screamed and sobbed and been really, really pissed off.

All the while my wonderful, strong husband has stood beside me. Strong as stone. Up until recently (and I mean recently, like the past few weeks) it used to bug me to no end that Mr. Sparky didn't share his emotions. This led me to believe that he had none on the issue. Silly, I know, but when you are feeling so much inside that you can't label all of it, you want to know that the only person in the world who could get that feels the same way. And it really hurts when that doesn't happen.

I have seen Mr. Sparky get sad because I was sad. He absolutely hates it when I cry - he doesn't know how to fix that and it drives him nuts. I have seen him get frustrated when doctor after doctor turns out to be an absolute moron (not very difficult when you live in Podunk).

He has, from the beginning, had the positive side of the situation. He is and has always assured me that someday we will have a child. He still says, with a smile, that he will get me pregnant one day. And with that being said, I have never seen him truly hurt that we do not have the capability to create a child together. Until yesterday.

There must be something in the water at the local law enforcement watering hole. Don't you hate it when someone says that? Yeah, like it's really in the water. It's not. I can assure that it isn't. I actually (and I am NOT making this up) drank from the hose last year in hopes that I would "catch" whatever magical thing is "in the water". It didn't work.

Anyway, I digress, local law enforcement watering hole. On Mr. Sparky's shift alone out of seven of the guys who are married and of child bearing age, three have had babies within the past two months. Tuesday night Mr. Sparky stopped by one of the homes with the newest arrival to pick something up and only the wife was there with the baby. The cute little baby who was all snuggled up in mama's arms, peacefully sleeping. He told her how beautiful the baby was and as he was leaving the dad called him on his cell. Mr. Sparky told him he just left his house and the dad said, "Did you see my son? Isn't that the coolest thing ever?"

Now, I am hearing this story the next morning (he works graves) so there has been about ten hours since this has happened with many police calls and bad guys in between. Plenty of time for most of the emotion to ware off. Except, for the first time in our almost three years of trying to have a family, Mr. Sparky showed real emotions. He got teary eyed as he was telling me about the conversation with the new dad. He apparently had been fine seeing the baby, but after the conversation with the new dad, he lost it. It really hit home for him that we more than likely will never have that. Not the biological one anyway.

He got up and went out to play with the dog and I sat in the kitchen and cried because I will not be able to give my husband a son, a son that looks like him. I know that someday he will be able to brag about his son or daughter and hopefully it is sometime soon. I don't ever want to see that look of pain on my husbands face again. It was harder than I imagined and while I'm glad he finally shared his emotions with me, I don't think I was meant to bear his as well as mine. God knew what he was doing when he matched us together. I am the emotional one and he is the rock.

At least though, now I know.

Random Meme and a Belated Blogiversary Announcement

2008-08-19T15:07:00.000-07:00

I got tagged but can't remember when or by whom. I've never done one of these before, so here goes.

1. What did you do 10 years ago?
Learned that I could make any decision I wanted, even if it was a truly terrible decision. Broke up with my first love, it was very devestating.

2. Five things from your ‘to do’ list?- Have a baby - and not necessarily one from my own womb, finish painting the inside of my house (it has only been two years since I started!), lose 40 lbs, run a marathon, become a better wife

3. Favorite snacks?- really, anything. This is why I need to loose 40 lbs

4. What would you do if you were a millionaire?- make sure my neice and nephews could go to college without having to pay a dime, buy a nice house for us (one that is already painted!), pay off all our families mortgages, pay for our church to build a new sanctuary.

5. Places where you’ve lived?
Watertown, NY
Cedar Rapids, IA
Tempe, AZ
Flagstaff, AZ
Podunk, AZ

See all the fun things you can learn? I tag everyone who wants to but make no promises that I will read them. That is too much commitment for me today.

Oh yeah, I also missed my blogiversary. It was July 30.

Boring

2008-08-14T09:36:00.001-07:00

I've been boring lately, not much going on. Certainly not much to write home about.

Things on the adoption front are eerily quiet. Last Thursday was the first day I had heard from our caseworker in almost a month. She left a voice mail saying there was still no news from our county courts regarding our certification. We can still be placed without the certification, but it's irritating that they are taking so long. In my opinion anyway.

Work is sucking, I've just started a HUGE project that will culminate in a 500+ person event the middle of next month and my boss decided to throw another huge time waisting (in my opinion) project. I like to burn my candles at both ends, no really, I do.**

I was telling Mr. Sparky the other night that it feels like we've done all this paper work, jumped through hoops and spent a butt-load of money(with more to come) for no real reason. Logically I know this is not the case, but my heart keeps telling me that it was just something to keep us busy for the last four months. That nothing will really come of it. My friend S, her husband said to her the other night that he thought we would have had a baby by now. So did we my friend, so did we.****

There really is nothing going on. The weather has been beautiful here - I LOVE MONSOON SEASON - in the mid 80's during the day and down into the 60's at night. I love afternoon thunderstorms and the smell of summer rain. What I do not like about the rainy season is our back yard. It is pitiful.

I wrote the above paragraphs a while ago. I haven't been able to write lately. No, it's not that I haven't been able to , it's that I haven't wanted to. I feel like closing myself up and not sharing our letting things out. But the funny thing is I really don't have that much to bottle up. I'm not depressed (even though it might sound like it, I'm not), I'm not angry, I'm not... I don't truly know what I'm not.

People keep asking me how the waiting is going, or if we've heard anything. And as much as I say that the waiting is hard, it really isn't. An acquaintance asked the other night if I jump every time the phone rings. And I don't. There is no anticipation of anything right now. Which to me seems weird. I truly and desperately want a baby, but right now there seems to be no urgency, most of the time.

It's a weird thing, this adoption process. Some days the waiting is almost unbearable, but those are few and far between lately. Unfortunately, the days where the emotions creep up are extremely difficult. Jealousy is not a pretty color, it's not flattering on me. I try to keep it under wraps as much as possibly, but it's difficult. It's difficult to see our friends accidentally get pregnant. It's difficult to watch my best friend S and her husband prepare their nursery for the baby that they've wanted so badly who is finally coming in February.

I know I must sound very bi-polar in this post. I cannot explain in words how I've been feeling. Even though this sounds very jumbled and all over the place, I am doing well.

**Now that I've posted this my boss will find it and more than likely fire me. I would be ok with that. Mr. Sparky and our mortgage might not be, but I am all on board.

****I know we would not really have a baby this soon. But it would have been really nice.

Why I Shouldn't Be Allowed on the Internet Without Supervision

2008-07-29T15:00:00.002-07:00

I'm sure you've all been to, used (or obsessed), or heard of THIS place. It is a common place to visit (or stalk) in our neck of the woods and even though I am no longer charting I still monitor the start and end days of my cycle.

I was needing to schedule my very overdue yearly and wanted to consult the calender so as not to make the appointment during that time. I logged in this morning and became a little confused at what I saw. My dear friend was telling me that I was on cycle day 35. Well, isn't that just the most interesting thing I've ever seen since I usually get a nice new chart every 27 days, like clock work.

Now, I'm sure most of you are thinking what flitted through my own little head this morning - is it possible? could it be? of course it is since we've started the adoption process(said with SERIOUS MOCKING SARCASM).

But lo, after many mad counts on my fingers I realized I had forgotten to input my last cycle which started two Sundays ago. This is why I should be supervised at all times on the Internet. I may even need to move the computer into the living room. Sheesh.

New Parents and Other Miscelaneous Ramblings

2008-07-26T14:49:00.003-07:00

Thank you all for your input. Although we still haven't made a decision as what to do yet (I've only had about fours hours with my husband in the last 9 days and they haven't all been on the same day) time has given us some distance to the matter and we are a little more calm. And by we I of course mean me.

If you do not already know, please make your way over to Yoka and congratulate her on her new daughter Lillian. So exciting!

Now, on to new and exciting things.

Because I don't already have enough on my plate what with the adoption thingy and all, I've decided I need a career. Not a job, but a career. I will be 30 in exactly 18 months and have done absolutely nothing worth while in my life (career wise that is) and am starting to get antsy. I really don't believe that every person needs to be a brain surgeon or an astronaut or anything like that to be successful in their lives. If that were the case then the important everyday stuff would never get done, but I do believe that people should be happy about what they do - whether it be a clerk at the mini mart or a CEO of a company.

I went to college to be a teacher but for certain reasons never finished. I dropped out of Northern Arizona University half way through my sophomore year and pretended to go to many and various community colleges for years after that. And by pretend I mean spent money but never got anywhere. I could never make up my mind what I wanted to do. And now it is kicking me in the butt.

After we first started this baby journey Mr. Sparky and I thought it silly for me to spend money we didn't really have to get a degree for a job I would more than likely never stay at too long since, you know, I'd be at home shortly raising our family. That idea didn't work out so well. So here I am, 28 1/2, nowhere close to a degree and feeling very empty.

I love my job in the aspect that I work with great people and make decent money in the town I live in for only having a high school diploma. But I want more. It's obvious to me that I will not be a stay at home mom any time soon - not just because of the no baby thing, we've screwed ourselves financially and are working to fix it- and feel like I should be doing something with my life. I do not want to be an office manager (glorified secretary) for the rest of my life. I want to do something that I am passionate about, something that I can truly make a decent living at and something that would not require me to attend a college that is 100 miles away from my home.

So there. A little pre-midlife crisis perhaps? Just testing the waters for what it will be like when I'm forty and still a freaking secretary? I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. All the aptitude tests I've taken over the years tell me I should be a teacher, but really, do you all know how bad the Arizona school systems are? Also, our school district here just layed off a boat load of people. I co-taught for a semester in Phoenix several years ago and while I love the children, the bureaucracy and the parents and the crap just isn't worth it to me.

If any of you know what I should be then let ME KNOW PLEASE or if you are independently wealthy I am available for adoption.

Frustrations

2008-07-22T08:06:00.002-07:00

Our experience with our agency so far has been very smooth. With that in mind, I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it did.

Those of you in the process know about the birth letter or match letter. This is the letter that our potential birth mother will choose us from. We spent agonizing hours writing and re-writing and trying to get it to be absolutely "perfect". Finally after months of torture we had a final copy and sent it along with a $1000 check to our agency. Three weeks ago.

On our agency's website they have a page with all the match letters that are current and those that have been matched with a birth mom. We mailed our letter on a Thursday and on Monday it wasn't up. I knew it most likely wouldn't get put up that fast but decided to e-mail our case worker to find out how long the process of getting it up took. I also had other questions so didn't truly feel like a big dork asking about the letter. I wasn't altogether pleased with her response - Our tech guy will put it up when he gets around to it - but let it go because I figured it would be up by the end of the week and didn't want to ruffle any feathers.

Except maybe I should have. I've been checking the site periodically (read - EVERY DAY) and nothing. So this past Sunday(two weeks and 7 days after we mailed our letter!) when it still wasn't up we decided to e-mail our case worker. I was very polite, asked why it still wasn't up and thought three weeks was a long time. I left it at that. Monday morning around 9:00 it was put up on the website. And I still haven't gotten a response from our case worker.

Now if this were a gigantic national organization I could see how maybe, possibly, a letter could slip through the cracks. But this is NOT a big agency, it is a little Christian agency and according to them they have more babies than parents, so WHY WOULDN'T THEY PUT OUR LETTER UP AS SOON AS THEY GOT IT?!

I knew something would have to give sooner or later, this whole process has just been too easy. But it worries me. If they are this lackadaisical about our letter, what else will they not be so sharp about. And I know we went through the process at the exact same pace with two other couples and their letters aren't up yet either. Now that could be that they haven't done them yet, but I highly doubt that. They were both just as eager to get things going as we were. What about the people who don't' feel comfortable stepping up and saying something? We can't be the only couple this has happened to.

What would you do? Would you call the agency and find out why it took so long to get the letter up or would you just leave it? I'm afraid to ruffle any feathers as these people hold the keys to our diploma for parenthood. But we are paying these people through the nose and I would think better service would be provided.

The Details

2008-07-17T16:16:00.002-07:00

Thank you for your kind words. Even thought it was difficult to say no, we both knew it wasn't what God had planned for us. This was especially evident by the peace we both felt last night. It's not easy to say no to a baby.

I got an e-mail from a woman (and it's a total friend of a friend of a great-aunt story so I'll name her L to spare you the whole drawn out story) named L saying she had been contacted about a little boy who was born on June 25th and didn't have a family yet. Oh, and he was still in the hospital. Were we interested.

My heart stopped half way through the e-mail and apparently I forgot to breath because my co-worker ( I got an assistant, did I tell you that?) B kept reminding me to. I also thought I was going to throw up for about 15 minutes too. Not having much information to go on I called Mr. Sparky and asked if he was interested. He said sure. So I got in touch with L and she gave me the woman's info who contacted her about it, her name is M.

So I called M and left a message (can I tell you how much leaving a message in a situation like this really truly sucks?) and immediately started calling our friends to start praying. M finally called me back and gave me a little more info. This little boy was born early, very early. His due date wasn't even until the end of this month or the beginning of next. His mom had also admitted to doing cocaine throughout the whole pregnancy. As she continued to tell me all the information, I began to realize that this probably wasn't our baby. Then the final kicker - he's bi-racial.

Now before everyone gets in a snit about that, let me explain. Although my husband and I are both white(extremely. we are so white it's not even funny) we would not have a problem adopting a child of a different race than us, if we lived in a more diverse area. If you've been reading for any amount of time you probably have heard me refer to our town as Podunk. And the reason I do this is because we live in a semi-rural area with about 150,000 people. And only five of them are black. Four of them are under the age of 14 and live on my block.

We do not live in a very diverse area. It still shocks me when I see a black person ( is that even the p.c. term anymore? I'm so behind the times) in our town. It just doesn't happen that often. Our neighbors down the street adopted two beautiful little children from Haiti. A boy and a girl, 11 and 7 at the time they came home. I have never in my life seen people so dark and I grew up in a major metropolitan city. From the moment they arrived they had so many issues. They had their daughter (11) in a Montessori school and that only lasted one month. She was teased so harshly by the other kids because of the color of her skin. And I know that says more about their parents than anything else, but if you don't grow up around something it can seem different and sometimes scary (not that this is any excuse, I found the whole situation sickening).

Based on our demographics and the fact that we would NOT be willing to relocate to a more diverse area, we have chosen a baby of the same race. There are too many issues to deal with in adoption let alone add the race card into the game, especially in a small town with "old school" mentalities still hanging around.

I know I don't need to defend our decisions, we have to do what's right for our family. But I have to tell you it was so hard to say NO to a baby. Mr. Sparky and I talked after I got more info from M and we decided to call the agency anyway, just to see if we could find anything else out. I left a message with the agency and turned around and called everyone I had just called to tell them it wasn't going to work out.

I went for a walk to clear my head and during that time kept praying for that little boy. What an unfair start this little boy will have in life. Once back from my walk I felt this enormous peace about the situation and knew that we had made the right decision. And it turns out that the decision would have been made for us anyway. This morning I got a phone call from the case worker handling his case. Apparently there was a development over the weekend that is going to prevent them from placing this little boy with anyone. She wouldn't give me any details, but I can't assume it is a good thing.

So it was an interesting look into the future and the possibilities that will arise. I can say though, I do not want to go through that again. It was only an hour from start to finish but felt like years. My heart is torn in many pieces - anger, confusion and sadness for this little boys mother and absolute anguish for this little boy who has had such an unfair start in life.

I know our baby will come. Because God is in control, we are just along for the ride.

Almost Isn't Good Enough

2008-07-16T16:48:00.002-07:00

We almost had a baby today.

A little boy.

Almost.

But it didn't work out. I'll explain more later.

Inappropriate Behavior on Someone Else's Part

2008-07-14T08:15:00.003-07:00

So the letter got mailed off to the agency. Only after a second trip to the printers because they screwed it up the first time. Luckily they redid it for free - which gave me the opportunity to spice it up a bit. But I'm annoyed because they received it a week ago today and it is still NOT UP ON THE WEBSITE! I know they are still showing us to people, but PUT US UP ON THE WEBSITE!

In other news I went to the dentist last Tuesday. I usually enjoy the dentist - we have a great hygienist who is the most lovely woman and who has been cleaning my teeth for the past four years and my hubby's for the last nine. The dentist is actually one of the nicest men I have ever met(it also helps that he is drop dead gorgeous) and very gentle on my mouth. He always gives me lots of nitrous and makes sure I'm very comfortable. He probably does that to everyone, but I like to think that I am special. And the office manager is absolutely amazing. And her husband works with mine so, yeah, it's like a little extended family. My experiences are always good there.

Except for this last time. I had my usual 7:00 am appointment for my 6 month check-up. I got there a little early and the assistant came and got me right away. At least I thought she was the assistant. It turns out that my normal lady (Maria - how much I love you Maria) has Tuesdays off now and they hired a new girl to work that day. Ok, no big deal, I can handle someone different cleaning my teeth. So we chat, she seems nice but a little odd, probably not someone I would choose to associate with on a personal level, but nice. We begin chatting (as best y0u can with someones hands in your mouth) and she couldn't stop complimenting me on my teeth (I have nice teeth - no braces ever and very straight and white) and I told her that when I was little I used to have a HUGE gap between my front teeth (it closed on it's own later - I don't' know why I felt I needed to share that, anyway).

She asked if I was ever teased about it and I said no I was teased for other things. And then she asked what I was teased about. And here is where I take partial blame for the way things ended and I probably shouldn't have said anything but it was early, I hadn't had any caffeine and it came out of my mouth before I even knew what I was saying. I said I developed early and that is why I was teased.

What happened next I would have never expected in my whole life - she lifted up the little dental drape they put around your neck and LOOKED AT MY BOOBS! Then she nodded and said something about nice boobies or something and I was TOTALLY MORTIFIED. If that wasn't bad enough she kept going - saying how she shouldn't' be telling me these things but felt we had bonded and proceeded to tell me icky things about her and her boyfriend. I thought I was going to throw up. BUT!! What do you do when she has pointy sharp things in your mouth and you are in a reclined chair? You do nothing. At least if you are a big old chicken like me.

So I told Mr. Sparky and he of course got mad and wanted me to do something about it and I wanted to die of embarrassment and do nothing about it. He had an appointment today and told our regular Maria that something had happened and she TOTALLY KNEW WHO IT WAS AND THAT SOMETHING BAD HAD HAPPENED. Then she got mad.

After his appointment was done, she walked him to the front and asked the wonderful front office lady what day my next appointment was on - it was scheduled for a TUESDAY- and I didn't even know it. Marie immediately said to change it and the front office lady KNEW that something bad happened. She told Mr. Sparky she thought something had happened by the way I acted after the appointment and was curious at the time but couldn't' ask because the offending party was standing right there!

Oh my. I am glad that it was brought to the open because obviously they have had an issue with her or they wouldn't have reacted this way and who knows how many other people she has been inappropriate with and they have been too scared/em brassed to say anything. Now I have to make another appointment and I'm afraid the topic will come up. I just don't want to talk about it. Yuck.

It took me eight hours to write this post. Mondays stink.

The Letter - Part II

2008-06-30T16:10:00.002-07:00

The letter is finished and at the printers as we speak. Tomorrow it will be mailed off with a $1,000 to our agency and the wait will begin.

I am relieved. No . . . . I am . . . . I am a mixed bag of emotions.

This ends the busyrunningaroundcollectingofinformation phase and I am not too sure what exactly I am supposed to do now. We have every document accounted for and turned in, we have the nursery (pictures to come once I get Mr. Sparky to move the dresser....again), there is nothing more we can buy (because we don't know what we are having and we don't' have any money).

I suppose I could touch up the paint in the baby's room, I do need to paint the outlet covers and straighten a few of the stripes.

I am not good at the waiting thing. I never have been. I LOVE instant gratification. With this adoption thing, it is hard to explain the emotions. I know what the outcome will be - a baby. I just do not have a time line. And I hate not having a time line.

I feel so unprepared. Not with the physical stuff -crib, car seat, etc. But with the emotional stuff that is just lingering around the corner. I don't know if YOU know this, but apparently there will be a living, breathing child at the end of this that WE will be responsible for. And that is mind blowing.

There is just so much I am not ready for...

The Letter

2008-06-24T19:59:00.002-07:00

We finally have a letter. Luckily for me my mom's an editor so after our case worker told us it looked good I sent it off to my mom and she made some changes.

If you wouldn't mind, I'm going to post it here and have you all see what you think - basically I need you all to pat me on the back and say really encouraging things like - "Oh Nessa that is the BEST birthmother letter I've ever read. EVER!" or "Wow, who wouldn't want to pick you guys!" You know, things like that.

A girl does like to get her ego stroked every now and then.

So here it is (obviously I've changed a few things - Mr. Sparky wasn't really born in Middle Earth and I was not born in Narnia. Obviously).

Hi, we’re Mr. Sparky and Nessa (and our four-legged baby, Austin). We’d like to thank you for taking the time to get to know us a little better. Hopefully, we will soon get to know you too. There is no way we could ever fully appreciate the hard decisions that you are facing today, but we want you to know that we pray for you and your health as well as your baby every day.

We have been married for three and a half years and each of us feels as though we married our best friend. The day after Thanksgiving 2003 we met on a blind date. By the third date we knew we were meant for each other. A little less than a year later, on October 16, 2004, we were married in Nessa's parents’ backyard. Both of us grew up in Arizona: Mr. Sparky was born and raised in Middle Earth, moving to the Podunk area in 1999, and Nessa was born in Narnia, moving to Phoenix with her parents and older brothers at age five. After we were married, Nessa joined Mr. Sparky in Podunk. We now live in a quiet neighborhood in Litlle Podunk with a great park right down the street. Our house sits on a large lot with plenty of room for kids to run and play. In fact, Austin loves to run around and play fetch out there. Well, mostly we just play chase, but he’s learning!

Before we were married we started dreaming of the family we would one day build together. Nessa has wanted to be a mom since she could say the word “baby” and Mr. Sparky has always looked forward to that “someday” when he would get the chance to be a dad. Since Mr. Sparky was adopted as a newborn, we always knew that we would include adoption in our family planning at some point. After several years of trying to conceive, God led us to recognize that “some point” was now.

Friends & Family
We treasure our relationships with friends and family. Nessa's parents, brother’s and their families, as well as a few aunts and uncles, live in Phoenix and are all very close knit. We love to play games, have BBQs, and spend as much time together as possible. Watching her brother’s children grow up (they are now teenagers!) has been a great experience for Nessa. She loved to participate in their care and be part of their lives. And now Nessa's mom is definitely ready for another baby in the family! Mr. Sparky is an only child and his mom lives in Phoenix while his grandparents and father still live in Middle Earth. He is very close to his mom and we try to see his grandparents several times a year.

Even though we don’t have family here in the Podunk area we have been blessed with incredibly caring friends. We belong to a small group at our church with several other couples all going through the parenting experience at the same time, so we have a wealth of knowledge and experience at our fingertips. Our small group has been amazing through this whole process, praying for us and always offering their support in any way possible. We also have a close knit group of friends in Phoenix that we keep in constant touch with and Nessa has a particularly amazing friend who has been by her side through thick and thin.

Church
Our faith in Christ is our foundation. We have relied on that strength to get us through the inevitable rocky episodes in life and have been blessed by it in the joyous times. We are very involved in our church—more of an extended family, really—and feel settled and at home there. We know that God has brought us here and has a perfect plan for our family. We cannot wait to raise our children in a Godly, warm and caring atmosphere and to share Jesus Christ with them.

Mr. Sparky from Nessa's Viewpoint
Mr. Sparky is an amazing husband and he will make an amazing father. He his very caring and has a sensitive heart, and yet has a quiet strength that I can rely on and respect. His character and integrity will provide a solid and positive role model for our children. There is no way I could have chosen a better husband and best friend than Mr. Sparky. I’m excited about spending the rest of my life with him and raising a family with him.

His love for the outdoors is second only to his love for me. Anything that involves the outside is at the top of his favorites list—camping, hiking, back-roading, and traveling all over Arizona.

Mr. Sparky has worked in law enforcement for the last nine years and absolutely loves his job! In December of 2007 he graduated from the police academy and is now a Patrol Deputy with the Podunk County Sheriff’s Office. Before that he was a Sergeant for the detention side of the Sheriff’s Office. At age three he would walk around arresting family members and putting them in “jail”! His cautious nature and measured responses have suited him perfectly to achieving his dream of becoming a police officer.

Quick Facts About Mr. Sparky:
Favorite Movie: Back to the Future
Favorite Desert: Chocolate cake
Favorite Music/Bands: Christian, 80’s music, Cold Play, Justin Unger, Chris Tomlin
Favorite Food: Steak and potatoes
Favorite Drink: Coca Cola

Nessa from Mr. Sparky’s Viewpoint
With her natural affinity toward children, Nessa was designed by God to be a mom. If she loves our children half as much as she does me, they will be the most loved children in the world. She is very supportive of my dreams and goals. Quite frankly, I wouldn’t be the man I am today without her. She takes very good care of me, Austin and our house – she makes our house a real home.

For the last year and a half Nessa has managed the office of a small law firm in the area. Her passions include Jesus first and foremost, then reading, anything outdoorsy, music, cooking and crafts. Nessa has played the piano since she was five. Music soothes her and is such a huge element of her inner being that she can’t wait to share that special part of her with a little one.

Quick Facts About Nessa:
Favorite Movie: White Christmas
Favorite Desert: Black Forest Cake
Favorite Music/Bands: Christian Music, Classical, Frank Sinatra, Justin Unger, Police
Favorite Food: Mashed Potatoes
Favorite Drink: Diet Dr. Pepper

Well, there you have it. I have a boat load of pictures (we're allowed 6 pages to do whatever we want to them) that we (me and my friend S) will put togethe(scapbook) tomorrow night and then it will get sent off to the agency. And then this whole silliness of letters and perfection will be put behind me.

Let me know what you guys think. I really value your opinions and input!

Mish-Mash and Other Exciting Jumble

2008-06-18T20:26:00.000-07:00

Testing...

Testing.. 1...2..3...

Is this thing on?

Hello???

Is anyone still out there?? (I'd really be surprised)

I hate it when I open a blog and it's this huge post about about why the blogger hasn't been posting. So I won't do that. . . too much.

It's just that things have been really overwhelming and work has sucked ( I almost got fired, it was all very dramatic and whatnot) and yeah. So that's all I'm going to say about that.

Things are moving along quite steadily on the adoption front. We had our final home study appointment on May 30 and it went really well. That was also the day I almost got fired. So it was a mixed bag kind of day with LOTS of crying.

I cannot tell you how much I love our case worker. If we had met under any other circumstances we would have been best friends by now, swapping stories and recipes and getting mani/pedi's together. Except I don't often get mani/pedi's or swap recipes with my friends. The last appointment is at our home, she comes and inspects it to make sure there aren't any dangers lurking in the wings waiting to snatch a tiny helpless babe if they should deem us acceptable. I had been working myself up about this meeting for weeks! Would my house be clean enough, would it be ok that we only had two bedrooms (but they're big!) and no grass anywhere to be found (unless you count the mass attack of weeds as grass, but hey, we've been busy so back off).

The night before, I had these grand plans to scrub the crap out of my house. But see? I am not a cleaner, so guess what I did instead - well, I don't really remember but it surely wasn't cleaning. So Friday morning before our appointment at 10:00 (hello my name is Nessa and I am a PROCRASTINATOR extraordinaire) Mr. Sparky and I cleaned every nook and cranny that hadn't been touched since we moved in almost two years ago. Guess how much time she looked at the house. A grand total of 5 minutes. She didn't even look in the back yard to see if we had any pools or a spas that a potential child could fall in to ( because dude, our agency will make you board up the in ground spa and most couples just back fill them in!). She said our house was cute and that was that. I love this woman!

Before the enjoyable tour, because seriously who doesn't love to show off their home, we had our one-on-one meetings. They save these until last and I am very grateful for that because it would have been AWKWARD if it had been the first meeting we had with her. She asks really hard and uncomfortable questions like , "How's your sex life?" and other such nonsense. My reply? How do you think it is? We've been trying to have a kid for the last 2.5 years with no luck and I have a disease that makes it super un-fun. But really, according to her our sex life is really good compared to most couples they see, so yeah for us I guess.

But I digress - so much has happened since I wrote the above paragraphs(I can't even remember the date I wrote them...that is how long it has been since I've even thought about writing. Except of course for the bird poop post cuz dude? That was gross!). Things at work have gotten a little better. They hired a woman to work part time until I need to leave and then she takes over full time until I come back then back to part time. But you get that, you're smart and apparently I am lucky since most employers do not do this where I live.

Today however was a day I will never forget. It was simultaneously the best and worst day I've had in a long time, which doesn't make much sense, but . . . whatever. So yesterday there was this meeting at our agency and our case worker presented us again (with the myriad of info she gained from our last meeting -but not the sex stuff. She promised she wouldn't talk about the sex stuff) and apparently we are so dazzling and we would make such wonderful parents they approved us right away. That's right folks - Nessa and Mr. Sparky are officially ON THE LIST!

Except there is a hitch in our giddy-up. We cannot write our letter. How do you write this mysterious letter that the woman who will choose us to be the parents of her child? How do you not sound like a total jack-ass nor like a pompous tool? If any of you know the answer's to these questions, please please fill me in. We have known about this letter for months yet all we have is a rough draft ( I would post it here for your expertise and words of wisdom but it has too much identifiable info and that would creep the Mr. out). A ROUGH DRAFT people, that is it. So our goal is to finish that by Monday so we can be chosen, because without the letter it does us no good to be on this list. Truly.

You can see the good that today brought, but one is probably wondering how at all this could be the worst day as well. Tomorrow is my surrogate grandfather's funeral and I just found out about it today. I will not be in attendance as it is two hours away and I cannot take the time off of work. So Bert/Ernie (do not ask it is too long to explain why he has two names - just know it involves toupees) I do not know your relationship with Christ, so I don't know where you are at the moment, but I'm glad you are no longer suffering on this world and I miss you. Also a friend of my parents died suddenly on Tuesday. She was in her mid-50's and had been having horrid stomach aches. They did an ultrasound and found some fibroid tumors in her uterus. Monday they went to remove them and when the doctor opened her up he immediately closed her up and told her husband there was nothing he could do, there was too much cancer (I still don't know how they got from fibroids to cancer, but whatever) and they should make her comfortable for her last few months. She died the next day.

So our joy is overshadowed by two deaths, one expected the other not. It makes me sad to think that a husband will no longer have his best friend to share the rest of his life with, that so suddenly the life he knew is no more.

But enough sad stuff - I'm starting to get really weepy and I'm all alone - it's a celebration day, a day of excitement and of new beginnings.

(Thank you to the one person still reading, it means a lot!)

Yoka - I have not forgotten about you. In fact I am going to send you an e-mail right now.

The Grossest Thing Ever... or...Why I Really Do Not Like Birds

2008-06-13T08:03:00.002-07:00

Last night we were going to grill salmon. Mr. Sparky went outside to start the grill and seconds later he's calling me out there. All over our grill (the inside mind you) was bird poop and the beginnings of a nest! They have been crawling up through the holes in the bottom to freaking POOP IN OUR GRILL.

I am utterly disgusted. It' s probably payback for moving the nest(and the egg) that had made it's home on top of our front porch light. I was going to take a picture for you, but Mr. Sparky took it down before I could.**

This just reinforces my already FIRM feelings that birds, all birds (even the really majestic and pretty ones) are disgusting and I do not want them anywhere near my home.

Do you hear that birdies??? I will SHOOT YOU WITH OUR SHOTGUN UNTIL THERE ARE NO MORE OF YOU!!!!!

I have a post brewing with actual content soon.

** In our defense we did not know there was an egg until he had gotten it down and then he put it in a safe place. At least it was safe until the gale force winds came down and blew the thing right out of the tree.

Anonymity

2008-05-28T09:32:00.002-07:00

Many things are done anonymously, but why? Why is it that people wouldn't want recognition for the things they've done. In a society that is so me-me-me it seems almost preposterous that anyone wouldn't want to take credit for the good deed they've done.

Yet there are people out there who are selfless, who want only the deed to shine and not their actions to be center stage. These people amaze me. I have done good deeds anonymously before, I try to do a good deed on the down-low as often as I can. I want the benefactor of the deed to be blessed by whatever it is being done and not focus on thanking me.

Very rarely are Mr. Sparky and I on the receiving end of an anonymous deed. And that's ok, that's not what this post is about. This post is about being loved by someone so much that they don't want the credit for whatever it is they've done, they only want us to be blessed by it.

For instance, last night we received a letter from someone we know. Before I opened the letter I knew what was inside and with anticipation and a little fear opened it up. I read the letter out loud and stopped when I got to the paragraph in which this person asked for complete anonymity. We could tell people we received the gift from a person, just not name that person. And I understand why. This person has traveled through our path (not the infertility, but the adoption), has been blessed financially through their business and wants to help us become a family. The only reason this person told us who they are is because of the adoption connection, and wanted to impart some very wise words to us.

It will be easy to keep this person's identity a secret in the fact that it will honor their wishes, but part of me wants to yell at the top of my lungs that this person, whom I've loved dearly since before time has gotten us $5,000 closer to our goal, closer to our child. This person was led by God to give to us by what would seem to us a total fluke, an accident.

So thank you anonymous, thank you for pushing us closer to our dream. Our child will always know of your generosity, of your selfless act and we will never forget this.

Memorial Day - A Day Late and A Dollar Short

2008-05-27T08:07:00.002-07:00

Because I was ensconced(is that even the right word?) in paint all day yesterday I didn't get a chance to put this up.

Thank you to everyone who is sacrificing everything for our freedom right now. For our freedom to do whatever we want, including post random thoughts freely on the internet. Thank you to the families who are sacrificing time spent with their loved ones, months without spouses, milestones without parents.

Thank you Dad for serving your country during Vietnam.

Thank you Uncle Bill for re-enlisting and uprooting your family from their comfortable home in Louisiana to Germany so you can serve your country in TWO wars.

Thank you Matthew, my cousin, for putting your role as a father on hold so that your daughter's future freedom will be secured while you are being a Black Hawk Crew Chief in the worst place on earth.

Your dedication and service will NEVER be forgotten. Not by those that love you, nor by those who pray for you every day, even though they've never met you. I love you three very much and am very proud of you all.

Today is the Day *UPDATED

2008-05-20T08:57:00.003-07:00

In three minutes our case worker will be presenting us before our agency's approval board. I think it would be fair to say I'm a tad bit nervous. Just a tad.

We should hear sometime this afternoon whether or not we've been approved. I can't imagine why we wouldn't, but if we aren't I'm sure it will be for something little and easily fixed. I hope. And pray.

Please let us be approved, please let us be approved, please let us be approved.

** UPDATE**
I just got a message from our case worker and the board has some more questions. So we are in limbo right now - not approved and not denied. Our last meeting will be May 30th and we should be able to get things cleared up after that.

Not really sure how I'm feeling right now. I really wanted a definitive answer and I didn't get one. I know that this isn't a bad thing, E (case worker) told us this could very well happen. So we wait. Which is ok, I guess. We've waited this long I don't see why we can't wait another two weeks.

Word Vomit Part I (is anyone else as disgusted by that word as I am?)

2008-05-16T11:55:00.000-07:00

So much has happened in the last few weeks and my brain has shut down. I dont' know how to write about it all, it's rather overwhelming. But it shouldn't be. This is the first since we started trying to have a kid that things have been, well, easy. And now I choose to freeze. Go figure.

Our first home study was May 5th. Almost two whole weeks ago and I haven't even thought of writing about it. I suppose it was due to the overload the garage sale created, but dude. Two weeks? Without a single desire to post? Whatever is holding me back from posting about this stuff is also keeping me from writing our birthparent letter.

The first meeting went great. We meet with E down in Phx and we did our family trees. Just back to grandparents and only aunts/uncles who were influential in our lives. Thank goodness, because I have 12 aunts and uncles and I can't even count how many cousins I have. Ooooh - I just counted and I have 29 first cousins, some I haven't seen since I was in junior high so I don't think they really count. Can you imagine doing a family tree with all those people? Luckily Mr. Sparky's was really easy - his family is kind of...different.

After we drew our trees and labled the people we had to discuss our relationships with each person and their relationships with the other people on our tree. It was really interesting because we could see patterns, good and bad, and we discussed which ones we would keep and what we would do differently. For instance, I have a lot of alcoholism on my side of the family, in fact most of my cousins have been through rehab, some several times. And Mr. Sparky's mom is an alcoholic (even if she doesn't think so, she is).

E asked us how we combat that and it was pretty simple - Mr. Sparky doesn't drink, period. I may have a drink if we go out somewhere really really special, but it has to be really really special. And we don't keep alcohol in the house. When my parents come up they always bring beer and wine. And I will drink some of their beer and wine. They usually leave the wine because it isn't really smart to travel with an open container here in the great state of Arizona (or anywhere for that matter). And you know what? I usually end up throwing out the blessed wine a month later. And it always makes me sad.

So that took two hours and then we went to BRU and bought weird things like a car seat and other essential things we cannot live without the first week home with a baby. Because this whole thing we're doing apparently ends in a baby. Who knew. Now, I'm not sure what I'm about to say is good or bad but each trip to the baby store gets a little less stressfull, a little less angsty. We know the layout know fairly well and can easily run in and out in less than 15 minutes to buy what we need. Each time we make a trip to Phx we are now stopping there, picking up essentials a little bit at a time. We really go for the daipers because you cannot buy the kind we want in bulk here in Podunk. And those diapers are so soft and snuggly and smell so absolutley wonderful! It's hard to imagine that we will be responsible for a being that is THAT SMALL.

I just erased two whole paragraphs full of interesting and stimulating tidbits, but this was turning into a novel so it will have to wait until next time. It took me two hours to write this. I really need to quit work so I can blog.

The War

2008-05-14T14:07:00.002-07:00

We're all touched one way or another by the war in Iraq. Whether we support the war or not, whether we believe the current president is an ass or not, or whether we think a certain candidate for the 08 election will be the savior to right all things or not, there are men and women out there.

The majority of people in the U.S. support the troops. I have friends and family over there and I'll be damned it I'm going to let how I feel about our current government affect my feelings towards them, towards the heroes.

They make sacrifices for our freedom and our ability to do and say whatever it is we feel like. Everyday they face the fact they could die. Sacrifice. The more frequently forgotten sacrifices however are left stranded behind. Whether on a base somewhere around the world or right here in your home town, wives and husbands, children and siblings are left behind. Being forced to grow up without mom or dad there, being forced to parent alone.

There is something we can do to help. Mrs. Flinger is donating a dollar for every comment left on her post to her brother-in-law who was shipped out on May 3rd. All YOU have to do is leave a comment, nothing witty or thought provoking needed. Just a comment and you will be giving to a family in need. So pop on over and say a few words and know that you just helped a heroes' family.

You want me to do what?

2008-05-14T10:39:00.003-07:00

My boss just made me do math. I am an english person, not a mathematical person. If a problem requires me to go higher than ten and I am not wearing sandals? I am screwed. I just finished an accountants job and I do not care to ever do it again thank you very much. I almost cried.

I have oodles of things to write about and do not have the ambition to do so. I also have a birth-mom letter to write and also do not have the inclination to do so. I am procrastinating on every level of my life right now. My brain is done working now that the home study is mostly finished and the serious thinking and answering is for the most part done. I think my brain went on vacation without me. How rude.

Totally over the whole thing already

2008-05-09T11:35:00.002-07:00

I don't know why THIS came as a suprise because it shouldn't.

Don't you think she could share some of the fertility? Just a little?

Good for them if that's what they want. But I find it a little disconcerting that their daughter's watch the calandar like hawks. Shouldn't that be Michelle's doing?

One of the longest weekends on record

2008-05-06T07:55:00.004-07:00

$1,949.61

That is how much we made at our garage sale. We are in shock and awe. There is no way we should have ever made that much money, but God is in control. It was a really fun time. We were all really tired and cranky by Sunday afternoon, but I wouldn't trade the experience for anything in the world.

We put up signs at the sale that said, THANK YOU All proceeds go to our adoption fund. So of course everyone asked about it and we got to share a little and we got to hear a lot. We had a few people share their adoption stories and we had people just give us money with out buying anything. We also got to witness to a few people. We kept the local christian music station on all day and people would comment or whatnot and a conversation would start. My dad even got to hear one woman's testimony about how she came from drugs and alcohol, spent 20 years in prison and is now leading a youth group at a local church!

Sunday my parents left around 11:00 am and Mr. Sparky and I decided to close up shop at 12:00. We didn't, we just kind of left things going for a little while and people would straggle in and buy a few things. About a 1/2 hour after the last person left a woman and her daughter pulled up and started shopping. We started talking and she asked if we were Christians and vice versa. Then the adoption talk came up and she told me her story. She had gotten pregnant at 17 and her parents shipped her off to a detention center in LA. While there she accepted Christ and really prayed about what to do with the baby. She really felt God wanted her to keep the baby so she did. Her mother had placed her older sister up for adoption and she didn't feel like she could do it, but she said she does feel adoption is amazing. So she cried a little and we talked alot and they bought some things then left. As I was cleaning up she came back. Her daughter ran up to me and handed me a wad of cash. It was all the money they had and they wanted us to have it!

I can't tell you the amount of times I cried this weekend because of people's generosity. It was totally overwhelming. This just cements my belief that God is in control of this thing and we will be a family very soon.

Our first home study appointment was yesterday and it went really well. We drove down to Phx and met with E (our case worker) and had a great two our meeting. Our next meeting was for this Friday, but she had to reschedule to next Monday. So another trip to Phx is in order, but it's Mother's Day anyway and we'll just spend the night on Sunday. She will be presenting us before our agency's board on May 20 and once they approve we can be put in the book.

We stopped by BRU and bought our car seat and some of the things we will need for the baby. We're holding off on anything that isn't necessary and will borrow things until we have a shower. I think we will have a baby very soon. I also think we are having a girl, but who knows!

The office is getting overhauled into a nursery and the walls will be painted this weekend or next. The crib is waiting to be put together and the bedding will be ordered after the house gets put back together. I couldn't wait and took the car seat out of the box yesterday and it's sitting in the baby's room. I found myself walking in their yesterday for no reason just staring and dreaming. This is really happening, and fast.

Never Fails

2008-05-02T09:08:00.002-07:00

The phone ALWAYS rings while in the process of putting lotion on my hands. My phone is now a pasty white color, thank you.

Tomorrow is our huge garage sale. I've advertised on Craigslist(I LOVE YOU CRAIGSLIST! WILL YOU MARRY ME?) and in the paper. We've already had a few people scope out the place this morning and a man came by after I left for work to take a look at the dog run. AND HE BOUGHT IT. For $250! We were asking $300 but knew we wouldn't get it, so $250 is great! What a way to start!

My friend S told me yesterday that we have more stuff than she's ever seen at a garage sale, which is comforting. I've been really worried that we don't have enough stuff. But last night my fears were put to rest when a friend of ours came over with a huge trailor filled with stuff. Guess where we had to put it? On our front porch because the garage is at capacity! Literally there is only a foot wide path that goes through the garage and we there is just enough room to open the dryer.

So, a busy weekend begins. My parents are coming up tonight with MORE STUFF and our nursery furniture, along with an extra crib for us to sell that was given to them.

Our first homestudy appointment is on Monday in Phx. It's at 9:00 which means we'll have to leave our house no later than 7:00 a.m. to make sure we get there in time. Traffic on the I-17 can be a bear in the mornings. Say a prayer for us, we'll need it.

A Friend for Life

2008-04-30T09:57:00.003-07:00

I've mentioned my friend S here before. Hi S! She's the only RL person besides Mr. Sparky that knows about this here website. I want to tell you a little about S. Because she rocks.

I met her in August of 2005 after I was hired to be a secretary for the company she works for. She came to train me, as we were in different locations, and we hit it off immediately. Never before had I ever "clicked" with anyone like that. And she will more than likely tell you that the same is true with her.

We spent most of our "free" time at work on the phone with each other. So much time in fact, I ended up getting in trouble for it. But it was worth it. It kind of felt like we were dating, in the way you don't want to stop talking to the person, it was that enjoyable.

S has been there for me through this whole baby roller coaster. She was one of the first "outside" people I told. And we planned and plotted and how exciting it was going to be! We talked about everything, planned for everything. We even dreamed about being pregnant at the same time!

Then when things got rough, she was still there for me. Even though she didn't get it, she never let on. She was always willing to let me cry and rant about the unfairness of it all. Sharing my broken heart with her was easier at times than sharing with Mr. Sparky. She has never once said a hurtful thing regarding this journey, and we all know how easy it is to do. But no, not S. She has always been sympathetic and loving.

Our relationship works out well. Her husband is a firefighter and mine is a cop. So there are overlapping times when we are both alone and we spend time together. It never is as much as we would like and we have to FORCE ourselves to find the time some months, but when we are together it's great. I can be free in front of her, let me "true" self be shown. In fact last night I pumped while she was there, walking around with my boob on high suction while we worked on the garage sale.

And this is where true friendship shows. We have told our small group for awhile about our garage sale and not one couple/person has offered to help or donate. And that's not why we told them, but nothing. Not one offer. But S, she has called almost every other day to ask what she can do, and she's been amazing.

I get very overwhelmed with all of this because I want it to be perfect. And Mr. Sparky really hasn't been able to help, so without S, I'd be a basket case. She's come over at least two nights a week for the past three weeks to help organize and price. Without her I would still be staring at my overflowing garage crying.

Last night we had planned for her to come over to help. She brought her dinner (she's now trying out veganism, so I have very little "approved" food for her) and some cd's and we were going to get serious. When she walked through the door she was holding a six pack of Mike's Hard Cranberry Lem*nade. It was going to be a fun night. We got to working and drinking after Mr. Sparky left for work and an hour into it, she looked at me sheepishly and said she had a confession.

Immediately my head started to wonder what was going on. Of course the drama queen that I am jumped to the worst case scenario. But you know what it was? She admitted she had read the previous entry. In her car was her super blender (you DO NOT want to know how much this woman paid for a blender. It will make you sick!) and she was getting ready to head to the store to buy margarita mix, chips and salsa! Isn't she amazing!!! If there was ever a doubt about how much I love this woman, it was wiped away last night in my kitchen. I hugged her and couldn't let her go. Of course, I ruined the whole thing because I had called her super excited about something and so she rushed over without making it to the store.

But that's ok. It's the fact that S took the time to do something for me to make me happy. Because she loves me.

So S. Thank you (and J for letting me hog your wife) for being an amazing friend. A friend who has made living in a small town far from family amazing. I can't wait to share the rest of lifes joys and sorrows with you. I love you.

This may make me sound ungrateful, but I'm not, I promise

2008-04-29T08:30:00.002-07:00

I cannot wait until all this stuff is over.
And by stuff I mean everyday life at the moment(not in the suicidal way, just in the I NEED A BREAK way).

The things that I CANNOT WAIT TO BE OVER:

1. Preparing for the garage sale
2. Baring my soul and most intimate secrets to a stranger (the stranger who will be deciding whether or not we get to be parents)
3. Looking at baby stuff - there is so much crap and I want to breath!
4. Preparing for the garage sale (I know I've already mentioned this, but I'm totally overwhelmed with the amount of stuff that we have and that I still have to go through and price before SATURDAY)

The things that I CANNOT REMEMBER DOING IN A LONG TIME:

1. I don't remember the last time I read a book that didn't involve adoption or wasn't baby related. I do know the last magazine I read - it was S.W.A.T. or maybe POLICE, it was the only thing in the house non-baby related that didn't require major brain function.
2. A manicure or a pedicure. I think it may have been sometime LAST spring, as in a year ago.
3. My boobs haven't seen any excitement in the past week that hasn't been related to a breast pump.**
4. Looking at BRU online and thinking, "Oh how cute is that?" instead it's "Get what you need and GET OUT!" and the baby isn't even here yet.
5. I cannot remember having a conversation with someone from church that hasn't involved our reproductive plans and/or adoption plans. WHY WON'T YOU ASK ME SOMETHING ELSE!
6. A quiet night with Mr. Sparky, sans baby talk, sans adoption talk, sans breast pump.
7. Cleaning my house. It has been weeks. Seriously.

I know this sounds horribly ungrateful but shoot. Every girl has her limits and I just need a break. And a big ole' margarita. Mmmmm. With chips and salsa. Mmmmmmmmmm.

** - This is possibly the saddest thing I have ever written in the history of my life. It is also sad that I am sharing this with the internets. Apparently I have no shame. I am ok with this.

More Blessings

2008-04-28T08:05:00.002-07:00

On Saturday we had our last class to take with our agency. It was the infertility class and there was supposed to be us and the two other couples we took the first classes with. We were the only ones who showed.

As we waited for the class to begin I kept thinking to myself that it was going to be a huge waste of time and what, if anything, was God (really I was think me) going to get out of this class with just us? I was actually really annoyed. Mr. Sparky got home at 6:30 that morning and the class was at 9:30 so he never went to bed. We didn't even start until after 10:30! I was really ticked that this was taking so long, I wanted him to go home and go to bed.

Well for all my grumbling and annoyance of the way the morning was going, it turned out to be the biggest blessing! What I didn't know at the time was if the other couples had shown up we would have had to make ANOTHER appointment with the counselor down in Phoenix. We ended up having a really good conversation with the counselor and I got to deal with some old issues and she thought that we were both in a really good place! She even told us that E (our case worker) might be able to present us before the board by the middle of next month! Which means our letter can go in the book by the middle of next month!

It's amazing what happens when we just put everything in God's hands. It's the hardest thing ever, but I know that He is going to make this experience glorify Him. And the blessings just keep on coming.

Last night we had a bon fire at one of the couples from our small groups house. They live out in the boonies and it was beautiful! All the stars and the lights from town (they are perched on top of a hill), it was so relaxing. Anyway, the girls were all talking about breastfeeding and other such nonsense and it turn out one of the girls has an extra electric double pump and she is going to just give it to me!

I really cannot imagine going through any of this without being a believer. It would be devastating not to know that there was a greater plan in store for us. Not knowing God is in control would be the worst.

Where did THAT come from?

2008-04-25T09:01:00.002-07:00

Yesterday I had an appointment with my favorite (don't know what she is, RN? NP?) at my OBGYN's. I see Ann Marie since I despise the doctor at the practice and since it is very likely that I will never deliver a child, I don't need to worry about it.

I made the appointment to discuss inducing lactation with her. Even though I have done a ton of research on it myself, I love and respect this woman and wanted to know what she thought and if she had had any experience with it. When I made the appointment they asked what it was for (I HATE this - even though I know they must know, I hate it) I told them an infertility check-up.

I show up and we start talking about the progesterone I am/was taking and she brought up cl*mid. I hadn't told her about the adoption yet and immediately my heart said YES!! GIVE ME THE CLOMID I WANT TO HAVE A BABY! And I almost started to cry.

And I'm not exactly sure why. We know there is a possibility that we could get pregnant since we have no known cause. We also know we may never get pregnant. I am so emotionally involved in this adoption, it's what we want, it's what we are preparing for. In fact, I haven't tracked my cycle (except on FF so I know if my periods get all wonky, but NO tracking of ovulation) since the beginning of the year. I haven't even thought of sex as a way to get pregnant, which is rather nice I might add.

So where is this emotion coming from? I know in my heart I still want to be pregnant and have a biological child. I want there to be that connection between my husband and myself. I want to feel our child grow and kick and experience the excitement of having my body deliver our child.

Last night I was very cranky. In fact I have been for the past week. Much more so than any typical PMS I've had, so I don't know if it's the stress of the home study and the garage sale or I'm dealing with some weird closure emotions or what. But my emotions yesterday after the appointment totally took me for a loop.

I know I want this adoption. I want to be a mom and God has made it clear that is where we are headed. So why all of a sudden does this happen? Why is this emotion slapping me in the face? Why do I feel like I'm being traitorous to the family that is waiting to be created through adoption?

I do not do well with other peoples blood

2008-04-24T11:50:00.002-07:00

Mr. Sparky always gets bloody noses, it's just his thing. So I've gotten used to most mornings entailing a few bloody tissues in the bathroom trash can. This morning was no different.

He got home from work while I was getting ready and blew his nose (allergies are HORRENDOUS right now in Podunk and we are both suffering. It also doesn't help that he spends most nights in the cold dry dusty outside air). And of course he got a bloody nose. Like I said earlier, totally normal and not a big deal. Except this one didn't stop, and didn't stop, and didn't' stop. He kept bleeding for 25 minutes.

Now, being one who has had MAYBE 3 bloody noses EVER, I think I have learned fairly well how to handle a bloody nose since being married to Mr. Sparky. I told him to sit down, tilt his head forward and pinch his nose at the base of the bridge. So he did and he kept going through tissue after tissue.

He kept doing this while I was finishing getting ready for work and for some reason I poked my head out of the bathroom and realized there were GOBS of blood all over the cream (I think that's the color it's supposed to be, but I could very well be wrong. It looks more like oatmeal to me. We really need to get our carpets cleaned) carpet and streams of blood running down our white bench in front of the bed. I called my mom to see what would get that much blood out of white and carpet (all the while assuming his nose would eventually STOP BLEEDING) and my dad answered.

Half way through my question ***YOU MAY WANT TO STOP READING IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH. I AM GETTING QUEASY JUST WRITING THIS*** I looked over and saw Mr. Sparky stand up, remove the tissue from his face and hold his head over the trash can. CLOTS and STREAMS of blood poured from his face and I may have said, "Holy S*&^, we have to go to the hospital" and hung up on my dad.

I have never been so grossed out in my entire life. Really. There is no way I could be a cop/firefighter/EMS/nurse/doctor anything that has to deal with other's bodily fluids. I get faint if I slice my OWN finger open. What am I going to do when we get a kid??

Anyway, we didn't have to go to the hospital because Mr. Sparky did stop hemorrhaging after that last gush and it's a good thing. I may have fainted if they had to cauterize his nose!

And the worst part? He kept chasing me around the bedroom trying to get me to look at the massacre in the trash can! What an ass. But I did feel bad for him, he lost a lot of blood and he looked like he had been in a bad accident. The lower part of his face and most of his t-shirt was COVERED in blood. Gross.

I ordered him to take a shower and NEVER DO THAT AGAIN. I was late to work because I needed to get the blood trail out of the carpet and bench before it stained. Oh well, as Mr. Sparky would say -just preparing you for kids!

Moving Quickly

2008-04-23T08:45:00.003-07:00

Well.

We just bought a crib, changing table and mattress.

For $110.

Off of craigslist.

It's the exact crib I wanted.

This is getting very real.

Sucking

2008-04-22T07:57:00.002-07:00

I can't remember if I've talked about it here, but we've decided that I'm going to try to breastfeed the baby. It's an amazing thing that I really want to do, really more for the bond than anything else. And if my body does produce a little milk, more power to it.

I haven't really told many people about it outside of a few family members and a select group of friends. I don't know how well it would be received by the "public" and I don't think I want or need to explain myself before hand.

If you've never heard of this don't worry, neither had I until the end of last year. For the life of me, I cannot remember where I heard about it, maybe online or something came up while I was doing adoption searches. But I'm really excited about it.

Any woman can lactate. You don't need to have ever been pregnant, you don't even have to have a uterus. It's all about the sucking. Here's a brief anatomy lesson.

When a mother gives birth the baby doesn't receive milk right away (most of you know this) and the baby gets colostrum and it takes a few days for the mothers' milk to come in. It's the sucking of the baby that signals the brain to release pitocin (and another hormone, but I can't remember right now) and that is what brings in the milk. That is the simple version, in theory it is a lot easier for a biological mother to create enough breast milk due to the extra hormones going on during pregnancy. But by no means does that mean an adoptive mom can't do it as well.

There are several different ways to go about inducing your milk supply. You can take birth control paired with a medication called Domperidone(not sure about the spelling, but it sounds like the champagne) to induce lactation. This requires a lot of medication and usually needs to be started about six months before baby arrives. This is expensive, and also, you can't get the medication in the U.S, you have to have a dr here write a prescription and send it to a Canadian pharmacy to ship to you. It's all very legal that way, just very expensive.

You can also do nothing, just wait until the baby arrives and use a supplementer (Medela SNS or a Lact-Aid). This gives the baby the nutrition he needs, either through formula or banked breastmilk, and stimulates the hormones needed to create milk.

Or you can pump ahead of time. This is what I am doing, as well as using a supplementer once the baby is here. I was given a Medela Harmony on Sunday by a fantastic woman in my bible study who got it for FREE and gave it to me for FREE. I love FREE. So I started pumping 5-10 minutes per side whenever I feel like it. Sunday I only pumped once because I didn't get it until late, yesterday I pumped once in the morning and twice when I got home. I didn't pump this morning because I was running late, but that's ok, I don't have to pump if I don't want to. And the nice thing about this is that if I only pump once a day during the week but have the time to pump 6 or 8 times during the weekend I can. And I may never be able to produce more than drops in the pump, it's all about the sucking and sending the message to the brain.

There are some draw backs to this method. If you pump and pump for a long time and then the adoption falls through, some woman can't handle that. It's an emotional process preparing your body to do something it should do on it's own, but can't. For some, for me, it's knowing that this is the ONE thing my body has a shot of doing when it comes to anything baby.

And pumping really isn't a great way to know what your supply is like. Some women don't get a lot of milk while pumping, but have a great supply while baby is nursing. More than likely I will never produce enough milk to be the only source of food for our baby, but if I can give him or her any breastmilk at all, it will be worth all the trouble.

Only one full day of pumping so far and I can already feel a difference in my breasts. Mr. Sparky thinks it's the funniest thing he's ever seen. But one up-side to the pumping? When I get home from work I sit on the couch and pump. Mr. Sparky and I can have some one-on-one time without distraction of getting dinner made, paying bills or anything else. It's just 20-30 minutes of us time. It's wonderful. And what child doesn't benefit from parents who have a strong relationship.

So close I can taste it and I'm a big dork

2008-04-18T11:49:00.003-07:00

When we first moved to AZ my parents were going to buy an A&W stand (for those who remember those, weren't they kick ass?) in a small mountainous town not far from the one I live in now. But that fell through and we moved to hell instead (otherwise known as Phoenix). My mother ALWAYS wanted to live where I live now. We have beautiful old homes and gorgeous scenery. They wanted to buy a $250,000 fixer upper and refurbish it.

That was in 1985 and the "fixer-uppers" are now worth over 1.5 mil. It's disgusting. But still very pretty.

Anyway, once I got married and moved to Podunk my parents started to really toy with the idea of buying a home up here for when my dad can finally retire. Except the prices here were astronomical and no one in their right mind would buy a retirement home they didn't plan on living in for several years unless they were loaded. Which my parents are not.

Then the market crashed here and suddenly all these homes started going into foreclosure (as with most of AZ) and my dad decided NOW would be a great time. My brother's kids are in high school and well, you know where are kids are (or aren't) and I am my mother's baby and she wants to be near me and yada yada yada. So tonight I am going to look at a home for my parents. It even comes with it's own renter! Who happens to be a pastor from our church (not anymore, he's moved to a different one) and it's him and his wife and their two kids. Gravy.

Except I don't think my mom will like the neighborhood. It's about a mile and a half from our house and nearly as nice as nice as our neighborhood and I'm pretty sure it will not meet my mother's expectations. But we will see. Who knows. All I know is I want my parents to live here, now would be preferable, but I'll take five years from now too.

I just hope if this isn't the home they will buy we can find one they want. And everything here is super cheap right now. We could buy a BRAND NEW 2000 sq ft home w/ upgrades in the neighborhood we WANT TO LIVE IN for under $200,000. Except we paid WAY MORE than that for our 1600 sq ft (only if you count the AZ room - without that it's only 1300) and since the market took a dive, we owe more than it's worth. Suck it.

Also - this is my 103 post. I totally spaced my 100th post. I am a dork.

How NOT to Lose 20 pounds

2008-04-15T21:20:00.001-07:00

Eat three doughnuts at work.

Eat leftover Olive G*rden.

Eat a HUGE piece of chocolate cake with three scoops of ice cream.

First Meeting

2008-04-15T15:03:00.001-07:00

I just got off the phone with our case worker and we have our first meeting this Friday! This is just a get-to-know you meeting, we will still need to meet with her three more times. I asked her how long this process usually takes with her and she said if we can get things scheduled, she could be able to present our homestudy before the judge by the end of May.

Since she's on contract with our agency and not a full time employee her cases tend to move quicker through the system than the other case workers. Wow. I don't even have words to describe how quickly this is going! We could have our letter in the book for birthparents to choose from before June.

Wow.

Gulp

2008-04-14T10:05:00.002-07:00

I've been looking forward to my 10 year reunion since Mr. Sparky's in 06. I even laid out a plan to lose at least 20 lbs before. Just to at least "freshen up" a bit.

Does anyone know how to lose twenty pounds in 2 weeks?! That's right. Two weeks! I got in touch with an old friend the other day and she sent me the e-mail this morning! I'm so beside myself it's not even funny.

And then I'm wondering why I even care what these people think. It could possibly be the fact that I've known most of these people since kindergarten and I want to make a good impression. The last time I saw a group of girls (the popular kids) that I've known since forever I was terribly drunk and made an ass of myself. Lovely.

So this time I want to make a good impression. And I'm worried that Mr. Sparky won't have any fun. You see he's about as social as a, as a. See? I don't even know what to compare him to. Even with our small group that we've been in for OVER A YEAR he will still sit and be quiet. I'm afraid I'm going to be sitting with him all night so that he doesn't feel left out. Is that stupid? Should I even worry about that?

Gah. I don't know. I'm vacillating between calm and cool and freaking the &%*& out. I don't even know what I'm going to wear! This is NOT ENOUGH TIME! NOT ENOUGH TIME! NOT ENOUGH TIME! I really must discuss this with our class president when I see him on the 26th with my undone hair (not ENOUGH TIME to get into the hair dresser) and my non-reunion specific clothes (not ENOUGH TIME to go shopping for new clothes).

Sheesh.

Word Verification

2008-04-09T08:11:00.002-07:00

I had to add word verification to my blog. Sorry! I thought I could get away without it, but recently I've been getting some scary viruses through comments, well the potential for viruses anyway. Whatever you do if you're reading my comments, do NOT click on anything with a link in the word HERE. It could destroy your computer.

Anyway, sorry.

Have a great day, hopefully more will come later, but I have to actually do work.

Blech.

A New Place

2008-04-08T16:07:00.004-07:00

Well it's up.

Just please don't link to this spot in a comment over there or anything. Not that you would, but you know. This spot is sacred and I talk about things I don't want the real world to now about. And if anyone can tell me why I can't get paragraphs to show there, I would appreciate it! It's annoying and I can't figure it out. Also, I've spent most of the afternoon finishing the new place and work has been piling up. Crap.

I'm not gonna make you read it, in fact you'll hear most of the same stuff here.

Like today we turned in our application. Holy crap.

The Bathroom That Made My Skin Crawl

2008-04-05T10:19:00.006-07:00

This is our master bath. Well, the shower and toilet room anyway. This room has always made me feel gross - yucky flowered wallpaper, cutesey lace valance, soft cushy toilet seat.

So I decided to take action against the monstrosity and from the day we moved in every time I would get out of the shower I would peel a little bit of the vinyl wall paper off. Needless to say the progress in the picture below took me almost a year and half to accomplish shower by shower. I had had enough. One weekend while Mr. Sparky was working I set to making over that room.

Here is what I started with.

This is after getting all the paper and glue off and a coat of Killz because they had painted beneath it a rediculously bright blue. And I mean Navy, only brighter. Gross.

It took me almost two full days to prep and paint the room. It took two coats to cover because our walls are VERY textured and even with the longest napped roller it still didn't cover very well the first time. I painted the woodwork (pain in the a#$ woodwork!) of the doorframe and door (which is still in the garage where it has been waiting for a second coat of paint for over a month now) white while the bassboards are the same color as the walls. There is still yucky peeling linoleum flooring and nasty cushy toilet seat, but that is for another month in which we win the lottery.

Here is my masterpiece,

I feel like a normal human being while in this room now. The one thing still needing to be done is to install the outlet covers (which are on my dining room table receiving a coat or two of paint) and hand the door. And the door would be nice, because although we have an open door policy for most things, I do like a little privacy if you know what I mean. Amen.

Up next - A virtual tour of my home in all it's disaray.

Miscelaneaus* Ramblings and Other Such Nonsense

2008-04-04T08:09:00.004-07:00

Gah. I am so tired of hearing about this stupid dog situation. JUST GET OVER IT ALREADY! I imagine my three loyal readers feel the same way too!

So we leave this tired topic behind and move on to more exciting things. Like baby clothes and adoption applications that only need a few more flourishes and a huge check and the cutest fabric EVER for our baby' room. Oh! and Easter too. I've always been a little behind the times so it shouldn't surprise anyone that it is now the 4th of April and I am just getting to Easter.

But that will all have to come later, tonight or this weekend as apparently I have a job that requires me to work and not spend all day reading my blogs. It's a shame, but true. I do not get paid to surf the internet.

Oh, and pictures too. We are going to start cleaning out the office/future nursery this weekend and I will document its progress with pictures. Yeah! How exciting! Aren't you all riveted?** I know I would be. Plus I'll let you tag along on the journey of my obsession to get the house "ready" for our home study. Which is stupid because it is ready, just not my kind of ready.

Have a great Friday!!

*I have no idea how to spell that word right now and spell check doesn't like titles
**I typed this word no less than five times before realizing that spell check will catch that. This is why I am still a secretary and not a CEO. I just ran spell check and I spelled it right all by myself. Power suits and a corner office here I come!

Eyeballs

2008-04-03T16:42:00.002-07:00

Have you ever stared at the computer so long your eyes felt like imploding? No? Just me? Darn.

Thanks for the sweet messages ladies, you have helped to make a yucky situation a little less yucky.

Resurfacing for Air

2008-04-02T08:01:00.000-07:00

I have never gone this long without an entry. I have been so out of sorts the last few weeks dealing with the Jax issue and whatnot. I just have not felt like blogging. I've been reading, some commenting, but trying to put words together has just been torture.

Things of course took a turn for the worse after my last entry. It was an ordeal trying to get in touch with the woman from UAF (the place we got Jax from). There were no empty foster homes so we had to keep Jax until they could find a place for him. By Friday we had to make a decision. I called the local border we have used for Austin in the past and reserved two places for the weekend.

I had to dash home at lunch to get the dogs' things ready and get them over there. They had been playing nicely all day outside and when I came home I let them in. For 15 minutes while I was getting food and beds ready to go they were sweet to each other. Playing and kissing and generally getting along (which sucks when you see how good they get along and you KNOW that Jax could snap any minute) until something set Jax off and he viciously attacked Austin. So bad that I could not get them apart. All I could do was scream and kick them both. Mr. Sparky, who was sleeping, came running in and somehow got them apart. I grabbed Austin's collar while he got Jax out of the house.

It was so ferocious and so emotional. All I could do was hold Austin while sobbing. I couldn't do anything, it was as if I were frozen. Then I noticed Austin was covered in blood and of course I sobbed even harder. Jax had ripped a chunk of Austin's cheek out. It wasn't bad enough to need the vet, but it did solidify in Mr. Sparky's head that we really did have a huge issue. He still at that point was having a hard time with the fact we needed to get Jax out of the house ASAP.

We each took a dog in separate cars to the border. I had stopped by before and explained the situation to them, that the dogs had to be separated, that Jax could not under any circumstances be around other dogs and that we were working with UAF to find a home for him. Once the dogs were both taken back I went out and brought in their beds. While holding both beds I sat on their bench and broke down. I was just so overwhelmed! Luckily the owner was there and some other really wonderful people. They made the whole experience much easier than it could have been. They were very reassuring, telling us it wasn't anything we did or didn't do, it was the nature of the dog and there was no way we would have been able to tell that when we first got him at 5 months.

After four days of the UAF woman not returning our several messages, we decided we could no longer afford to board Jax and took him to the Humane Society a week ago today. It was easier than I thought it would be, as easy as anything like this can be. We were both a little teary while waiting for the lady to take him, but when we took his leash and collar off of him and they slipped their leash on him, it was too much. He of course went happily. Stupid dog. We both cried all the way home and spent most of that night loving on Austin.

Austin never went looking for Jax, it was almost as if he knew what was going on. That doesn't mean we haven't' been dealing with a depressed dog though. He has a hard time eating, he's already lost five pounds (we're doing everything we can to get him to eat, but I will not force him as long as he's getting some in his system) and on top of losing his winter coat, we're pretty sure he's shedding more due to being sad. My house is disgusting, I vacuumed on Friday and by Monday the house was COVERED in dog hair!

There will be more later, but this is turning into a novel and I have to get some work done this week.

The End

2008-03-18T18:47:00.002-07:00

It's over. Jax will no longer be a part of our family. And this is terribly sad to me.

We rescheduled the dog guy to come out yesterday afternoon to work with us and both dogs. Sunday Mr. Sparky and I got into a lovely discussion about using money saved for adoption on the dogs after people had given us money for the ADOPTION. I've been against the idea of using the money, but seeing Mr. Sparky's face at the thought of giving Jax away was too much. Thankfully at bible study Sunday night a good friend with some serious wisdom talked to Mr. Sparky about the situation. That is what caused the friendly discussion and the cancellation of the dog guy.

We found out a friend of ours trains dogs (I knew that, I just forgot) and she said she would be willing to work with us. Unfortunately it wasn't in the cards for that to work out.

The dogs were fine all day until I got home tonight. Jax got a little testy with Austin over something (again, there is no visual cue for us to see what sets Jax off) and so I put him on the leash to keep near me while making dinner. Mr. Sparky had to into work early tonight so I was alone. A few times this happened and I was able to nip it in the butt. But for some reason Jax lost his shit and went after Austin. This time Austin fought back and wouldn't let go. I was terrified, in tears, trying to pull these two 65 pound dogs apart. That's when Jax came after me.

The end. No more. I cannot handle this. In fact, I am still shaking and it's been over an hour since it happened. Thinking about it makes me cry. I'm not hurt, just a few scratches and more scared than anything. Especially since Mr. Sparky won't be home until 2:00 this morning.

I put Jax outside to cool off and all he did was bark for 30 straight minutes. I went to let him in (usually they are ok after a snit and some time apart) and for some reason grabbed Jaxs' collar before he came through the door. It was a good thing. Austin was about five feet from the door and Jax went after him again. I tried my best to keep myself between them and not get hurt and at the same time get Jax into his kennel in our room.

I called our friend who was going to help us and she said no way, this dog needs to be out of the house. She gave me the number of a local place that will test him to see if he is trainable or if he has to be put down. I hate this. I don't want him to be put down. He has the sweetest demeanor when he isn't all psycho. I know in my head that this is what we have to do, but it is so sad to think about.

I hope they can train him - he deserves a loving home if they can. He really is the cutest thing ever.

Nessa the Authoritarian

2008-03-18T10:56:00.002-07:00

I rock. Really. It's true.

We deal with a local newspaper to have certain legal notices printed for our clients. After the notice has run it's allotted time, we receive an affidavit that needs to be filed with the court for proof.

Well, being that we work in Podunk, the woman that is my contact isn't the brightest or fastest person I've met. And I'm not trying to be mean, but when you are providing a service for a fee it should be completed quickly and correctly.

Last Monday (as in a week from yesterday) I called and requested an affidavit for a notice that ran in November. She said she would mail it out right away. By Friday I still hadn't received it. I called and she said she mailed it Thursday and we should get it soon.

I opened Monday's mail and found the envelope. That was postmarked for Friday, which means she lied to me about mailing it. But here's the kicker - the envelope was empty. Yes. Not only did she lie to me about the date she mailed it, but she sealed, addressed, stamped and mailed and empty envelope. Bright, no?

So yesterday I called and of course she was out of the office until Wednesday. So I asked for her supervisor. I left a message saying we would no longer be using their establishment and that her employee not only sent me an empty envelope, but she flat out lied to me.

Today while I was out of the office, we got our notice that we had been waiting for. Hand-delivered.

I am that good.

Jax *Updated

2008-03-13T15:13:00.003-07:00

I just got off the phone with Mr. Sparky. He was totally out of breath and a little shaken. The dogs got into a fight again. This time Jax (the instigator) had Austin pinned against the sliding door. It was bad.

Last night as we were making dinner, the dogs were outside sniffing the grill, the sliding door was open and Jax just attacked Austin. It was the worst I had seen it (up until today's) and it scared me more than the attack last week. I've been doing some research online, but I don't think this is something we can handle on our own. Mr. Sparky is calling a guy whose name we got from our vet. I hope this works. I'm not afraid to put the dog down if I have to. It isn't safe for kids.

All night after yesterdays fight, Jax would not let Austin walk anywhere. Everytime Austin would make a move, Jax would be there, aggresivley blocking Austin's way with his body. It was scary. I think there might be something wrong with my dog.

*Mr. Sparky spoke with the dog trainer yesterday and he is coming out on Sunday to meet with us. It is going to cost $650! and that's a reduced rate because he is training someone right now. Usually it's $1200. I pray that this works, and that we figure out where to get the money from. We may have to take it from our homestudy savings. I think we will have to ask the church for the homestudy fee. I don't want to but I don't see any other way.

Searches

2008-03-13T08:40:00.002-07:00

It's fun to see how people get to my blog through searches.

To the person who found my by searching for "I've got a sore throat and going through puberty, is this normal?" - it really doesn't have any correlation. Puberty sucks. So does a sore throat. Sorry.

Also - whoever lives in Sandwich Mass? That is awesome.

Not much content for now as I just walked into work 45 min late and shouldn't even be doing this.

Because I Can

2008-03-12T11:29:00.002-07:00

84 words

I am a dork. I know.

He Ate My PMS Chessecake

2008-03-11T21:25:00.002-07:00

I only have cheesecake in the house on two occasions:

1. a very special occasion

2. PMS

Last night was reason 2. I went to the store and bought a cherry cheesecake and a half gallon of rocky road*. I ate half the cheesecake and a few spoon fulls of ice cream.

I get home from work today and the other half of the cheesecake was gone.

Needless to say after a few choice words dinner was very quiet.

I don't think he will be eating cheesecake again anytime soon (at least not without asking first!)

* What. Like you've never bought ice cream just because it was on sale.

God's Never Ending Grace

2008-03-09T15:47:00.003-07:00

Today after church we were talking to a friend of ours about our garage sale to raise funds for the adoption. We have not told anyone about our decisions except our families a few friends (who do not attend our church) and our small group. When we walked up to her, before I even opened my mouth, she said she had things for our garage sale. I immediately knew who had told her, it was our small group leader, and was very ok with it. It's not like we are trying to keep it a secret anymore.

She said she was overjoyed for us and had been praying for us for quite some time. Her husband unexpectedly passed away last year (early 40's - total shock) and she has been doing some major work to her house with the money he had left her. She is gutting her entire home and in the process is giving us all the appliances, all the cabinets, all furniture and some other random things for our garage sale. She is even going to bring it to us! At the same time, another woman we know was walking by and asked why I was crying. We told her about the adoption and the garage sale and God's grace and she said she has a whole bunch of stuff sitting in her garage just waiting for a good place to be sold. She even said she would drop it off at our house!

But it gets better. She says she has something for us, something that she's been holding onto for awhile. She runs to her car and comes back with a check. The check is dated for 02.28, which was before we told the small group that for sure we were doing a garage sale, and before we had really told anyone else about the adoption. The check was for $1000. That's right - enough money to cover the birth-parent letter fee we need at the end of the home study.

I spoke with my mom today to tell her the news and her and my father apparently have been talking for weeks about giving us money. They haven't decided on an amount yet, but they are going to give us some. Of course I started crying again because we would never ask them for money for this. They said they knew we would never have asked for the money, but they feel it is something God is laying on their hearts. And I'm sure some of that is because it's going toward their future grandchild!!

I'll be starting another blog for our friends and family to travel along the journey with us. It will be password protected and the majority of the content will be the same here, just not as much MIL bashing and we will be using our real identities. Mr. Sparky feels much safer without our real selves out in the open for anyone to see. If I know you pretty well (such as communicating via e-mail or whatnot) and you want the password, I'll let you have it. Although I don't know why you would want to read the same boring drivel in two spots!

Sick

2008-03-05T12:07:00.002-07:00

Today I had to do something that made me physically ill. And rather scared.

Our dogs, Austin and Jax, sometimes get a little snippy with each other. They both are very dominant and Jax tends to start fights. And by fights I mean if you where walking down the street and heard/saw what was happening between our dogs you would think they were going to kill each other. We can always break them up and they spend some alone time afterwards.

But this morning. This morning was terribly horrid. The dogs had both finished their breakfast and were standing in the kitchen. Austin started walking towards his bowl and Jax lost it. I don't know what set him off, but man. I could not pry them apart (not afraid of them bitting me, I can stick my hand in between them and they completely ignore me, but what about a child?) so I had to kick Jax. This is something I am NOT proud of, but felt it had to be done. I don't know if he would have caused Austin any harm (they never hurt each other, just scare the crap out of us), but I could not let it continue.

I think it's time we had some serious training. Mr. Sparky and I talked about the possiblity of having to give the dogs up. I would in a heart beat if it was the only thing standing between us and a child. It would break my heart - I love those dogs. They are fun and loving and adorable. But this is not a safe environment. Especially since we don't really know what sets Jax off. He wasnt' like this when we first got him, it only started happening in the fall. I don't know if it is something that happened between him or Austin, if it is a trait of the breed (Catahoula Hound - don't think that is the case though), or it's just his personality.

What would you do? We obviously don't have the money for full on training classes, and our vet isn't much help. We asked her about it and she said he just needs training. She never addressed the behavior, it was almost an afterthought for her. I don't know. I'm torn. I'm ashamed, although I do know I did what I had to to protect Austin from being hurt and it is not something that EVER happens in our house. They get swatted on the nose when doing something wrong, mostly they get squirted with the dreaded water bottle, but NO abuse. EVER. Ugh. It makes me sick.

Baby things, Sickness and The unholy place (otherwise known as BRU)

2008-03-04T10:13:00.003-07:00

I'm still not feeling any better. I don't ache as much, but I'm still really congested and have absolutely no energy. Hopefully soon this will go away.

Mr. Sparky only has 1.5 weeks left in his FTO (Field Training) and is very excited to be on his own. He's gotten really lucky with the training officers he's had, but he's just ready to be in his own area and get a feel for things. He finally got his permanent schedule (they bid every six months) and it's a really good one. He will be working graveyard (8pm - 6am) Tuesday thru Saturday. He'll get home at 6am Saturday and won't go in until 8pm Tuesday.

This isn't my preferred schedule, but apparently things go bump in the night and cops like that kind of thing. Who new.

We finished our adoption classes Saturday and I'm kind of mixed on the whole cramming into two days thing. It was good because we needed them and it was the only way we could get them in before the summer. On the other hand, we missed a lot because of the time constraints, which bums me out. Our homestudy packet was given to us after class on Saturday, and if you've ever done this before you will understand what kind of hell we are in for. It is the most intrusive, most meticulous paper work I have ever seen. And I'm totally overwhelmed. I can't imagine what Mr. Sparky will say when he finally reads the packet. He doesn't handle stuff like that well. It's just too overwhelming for him.

After the class, we drove down to Phx and went to BRU. Ugh. It was awful. I think it would have been better if it were just me and my mom. If it was her and I we could take our time and I really felt rushed. The place gave Mr. Sparky the creeps. We did the important stuff first - car seat and stroller and then the nursery furniture. Which we will have to change since we didn't realize the crib we picked didn't turn into a toddler bed and that was Mr. Sparky's one request.
After 45 min. I sent him to the rocking chair area and just let him sit with his eyes closed while I finished up.

I am having mixed reservations about setting up a registry. I think mostly I dont' want to feel like a fraud. I didn't really feel like a fraud in the store - I talked to a few parents who were currently using items we were interested in and they asked the "when are you due" time bomb and I never flinched. I told then we were adopting and every single person got really excited and congratulatory. So that felt fine.

I think it has to do with my friends. Not that they would say anything to my face (and not that they would really say anything behind my back either because they wouldn't really be friends then, would they). Maybe it's just my insecurities of trying to prepare for being a parent, but not having a visible reminder to myself or the outside world. That is one thing I've been reading about - remembering that we are preparing just like a pregnant couple would. We have the same concerns, same questions (about the actual parenting, not the whole before hand thing), and same worries. We want the safest things for our baby too. Our downfall is that we don't have a concrete date for that baby's arrival.

So I vacillate between taking down the registry and leaving it up. I'd hate to take it down, it was a lot of WORK to get it started. And it's not finished either. There are things I didn't get a chance to really look at, really inspect and I want to. I want there to be that same excitement as if I had a due date and new when our baby was going to actually be using this stuff.

I've also started reading parenting books. Aside from the adoption books. Such as sleep books and breast feeding books (I'm going to give it a go and a friend is going to give me her supplemental nurser so I don't have to buy one) and again, I feel a little like a fraud. So I have to remember that I'm not. I don't get the nine months to research and decide what we want to do. I could have a baby in my arms in as little time as two months! So I have to realize that these feelings are normal, and that it's ok for me to start researching and reading and learning and deciding.

Oh and maybebaby - it is official - her parents are going to keep her. And it's an ok thing. I don't think we were really ever meant to have her. I know God used her as a catalyst for us to get off our lazy behinds and start the process. If it hadn't have been for the prospect of maybebaby, we wouldn't have started things until this summer or even next year. And I firmly believe God wants us to be right where we are. He's sneaky like that.