4 Months

As of yesterday, my little one is four months. And oh my heavens does she melt my heart!

I hadn't realized it's been two whole months since I've shared my feelings here and so much has happened. We are officially on the foreclosure list at our bank - and yet they still keep calling asking if we would be interested in tryitheir modification program - idiots.

We decided on Thursday that we will file bankruptcy. It is not a proud moment, but on Wednesday our free babysitting disappeared. It wasn't her fault, but it totally caught me off guard and I freaked a little. Day care will cost us a minimum of $200 a month, more than likely closer to $300 - $350.

I am working - but it's not enough and I need more. That breaks my heart too, more time away from Emily. But it needs to be done. We are meeting with a woman today to look at renting her house. We wanted to wait until they kicked us out, but it sounds like a deal we cannot pass up. If she is willing to do what she says, we will have an amazing house that we can stay in for a very long time at a VERY reasonable amount.

Our marriage is amazingly strong, stronger I believe because we have figured out how to weather the storms together. Rowing together instead of in opposite directions. God has done amazing things in the past few months and we are truly learning to rely on him.

My daughter is growing and learning and every day is a joy - even when she doesn't sleep for more than an hour at a time - all day and night. Hopefully this is a phase. A short phase.

Here are some recent pics of my Emily. She has three tooth buds (which would probably explain the permawake baby) and still dealing with some gas issues (now on soy formula - disgust!). She is the light of my life and it amazes me everyday that she is ours. Our daughter. Forever.

We are dedicating her on the 28th and her adoption should be finalized by the end of May. We are a family and it feels good.

These pictures are from christmas, and forgive the disguise on my husband - he doesn't want his image on the internet. Cops are paranoid!

Merry Christmas!

So much for being an active blogger and posting my daughters' milestones so I could remember them. Lame.

There has been so much crazy going on - and not the average every day crazy - but mental crazy (not mine, someone else's) that has been heaped onto our lovely little family that it has made ME want to be committed along with the real crazy in the family. Oh how I wish I could go into detail, it would be so cathartic, but can't happen.

Before Emily came along we knew I would take at least 6 weeks off, preferably eight. So when I lost my job in April and found my new job in May I was very up front about my needs and what would be happening. Luckily, my new job was very much ok with it. So when Emily came it was never a question of me being able to take time off.

Eight weeks to the day after Emily was born I got up, got dressed and headed into work leaving my little girl in her daddy's very capable arms for six hours. My schedule was Monday-Friday 11-5. Pretty easy if I do say so myself. And we had a great friend lined up to watch Emily three days a week. Things were going well.

Two hours into my day my boss calls me in to her office to tell me that things are too slow right now and they can only have me work Monday-Wednesday-Friday. I was totally ok with that as I knew it was inevitable and I would at least be bringing in some money and would get to be with Em two days a week. No biggy. That night even Mr. Sparky was doing well with it, which is surprising since he is the one to freak out about money woes.

Wednesday morning I got dressed and headed into work. An hour after I got there my boss said someone had to go home for the day and by the way - we are cutting you back to Mondays and Fridays. Hmm. Not ideal, but still making some money. (60% less than I was making only two days earlier!)

Friday I got dressed and ready to go to work and Emily decided to have a really bad cold and stop eating altogether. I called work to tell them I would be late and we headed off to the dr's. After two hours and learning that my child had to eat by EYE DROPPER I called work to tell them I wouldn't be coming in just as my boss was leaving me a message to say don't bother coming in it's too slow.

The weekend went well - heaped with a little more crazy from the crazy person - and Monday as I was getting ready to go to work the phone rings. Can anyone guess who it was? That's right! My boss - " I am sorry to do this over the phone, but I didn't want you to come all the way in. We don't have enough work for you. We will call after the first of the year to re-evaluate. Have a great Christmas!"

I am now a full time stay at home mom. It is exactly what I wanted my whole life. Just really crappy timing. And let me tell you why. Earlier this month we decided to walk away from our house. Our lovely bank Wells has done nothing for us. I would go into detail, but it makes my blood pressure soar. We had a plan - we were going to use my income to pay off our car and one of our credit cards. We would be 3/4 out of debt by this time next year. We would also have enough saved up for first and last months rent (we can rent a house 70 billion times nicer than ours for less than half of our current mortgage payment - suck it real estate). Now we don't know what is going to happen.

I am not going to look for a job until after the holidays, if I look for one at all. We live in a very small town with a very crappy economy and NO ONE IS HIRING. We are making decisions that to the outside world look foolish, but for our family make sense. Our plan is out the window and we have just enough money to pay for the remaining bills without my income or our mortgage. We found out last night that my husband will more than likely get a 10% pay cut soon, and the good news? That puts us at the right income level for food stamps. Not the proudest moment in my life, but if we qualify, why not.

Bankruptcy has crossed our minds as an option. Although it makes us sick to go that route, with everything that has happened, it may be our only option. It would give us the freedom to start over and become good stewards of the money God has given us. It would give us the opportunity to be the parents we want to be, not the stressed out balls of mess we are on the way to becoming.

The good in all of this? We have an amazing daughter who is growing and learning and smiling and makes the world bright even at 3 am when she is up for no reason. We have amazing friends - most of whom are in a similar boat as us and have been for awhile - that we can lean on for support. For the most part we have family that love us no matter what, and while dealing with the crazy is difficult and there have been shouting matches over the phone and people telling whoppers of lies, it isn't life ending. We have friends who have a very sick daughter and the dad just lost his job. Again. But they are the most positive people I have ever met. And we have a God who is breaking us, and hard. He is doing this so we will trust him more, trust that he will provide because he promises us he will provide for our NEEDS.

We are learning, again, how to live off of cash and be frugal and responsible. This is not where I saw myself at almost 30 (only a few more weeks!), but I am happy and my marriage is no longer on the road to destruction and we are happier than we have ever been. It's a good thing.

So Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year because I can't guarantee that I will post again any time soon. Jesus is the reason for Christmas and without the birth of that little baby and the death and resurrection we will celebrate in just a few short months, none of this would have any meaning at all.

One Month

**Disclaimer - this is exactly a week late. It is hard to do ANYTHING with a baby. Who knew?**

My beautiful Emily, you are already a month old! How the time flies. You have been such an amazing joy to us my dear. these are just a few of the things you have accomplished this month:

-You are so alert! You hold our gaze so attentively that I fear my heart will break when our eyes do.

- You very rarely cry(unless it is the middle of the night and daddy is at work leaving mommy to want to claw out her eyes)

- You won't ever let daddy out of your sight when he is home. It is the sweetest thing in the world to watch you two. You are the best thing that ever happened to that man.

- You went trick-or-treating and stole the show. You were 19 days old and already your newborn pumpkin costume was a little snug. Everyone thought you were the cutest thing ever.

- You attended your Uncle Erik and Aunt Becki's wedding at three weeks and were the main attraction! You did give mommy a scare though - while changing a wickedly disgusting diaper in our very pretty attire, you decided to choke and stop breathing on the bathroom floor before I had a chance to wipe your dirty little butt! I have never been so scared and so unconcerned about poop on a very expensive dress. Luckily Nana was walking by and was able to help calm me down after. You of course were fine.

- You rolled over on G-ma's floor from your tummy to back and I MISSED IT! I was putting my shirt on and the next thing I knew you were on your back and totally surprised too. It was a fluke as I had you on a slight incline on the rug, but still, very proud moment nonetheless.

- As of 11/06 we now have legal custody of you and only have six more months until you are legally our daughter - you have been our daughter in our hearts since the moment you were born - it will only be a formality in our eyes.

I wish there were more time to write about everything that you are - the amazing baby who no longer looks like a newborn, the personality that is slowly starting to emerge - I love you Emily, more than you will ever know!'

Love,

Mama

Daddy's little doll

First Halloween - Cutest pumpkin ever!

Pumpkin & Penguin

(otherwise known as the future Mr. & Mrs Penguin!)

Family Pictures

When Emily was a week old we had a friend take some pictures for us. Instead of words, because that is too much effort at this point, you get to view our little family.

And thank you all for the kind words and comments. I'm sorry I don't respond, I've always been terrible about that. But know that everything is being stored in my heart and it keeps growing with each and every comment.

Thanks!!

How Emily came to be ours

I've been trying to sit down for almost a week now and write out how all of this happened. But having a newborn makes almost everything impossible. It's a good day when I get my teeth brushed before 3! Not to mention sorting out all of the emotions.

But I do want to share this. If not for someone else going through the same situation who may need a little encouragement, then for my own recollection when Emily is older and my brain is a little more addled. I want to be able to look back on her accomplishments and he milestones. Thus far everything of importance she has done is written down on an itty-bitty pink notebook that travels in her diaper bag.

There is so much to say, so many emotions to put down and wrestle with and figure out. So much GOOD and a little bad.

So here goes ...

Monday Oct. 5th I was at work and was helping a customer. I had heard my phone vibrating in my purse but promptly forgot. A little while later I checked the messages as we had literally just mailed off our paperwork to adopt through the state (oh ye of little faith!) and was thinking it could be them. I listened to my message at my desk and it was some woman I had never heard of calling from our agency. This is exactly how everything in the next ten minutes happened. I don't' think I will ever forget.

"Vanessa, this is Ruth from blah blah agency, and I wanted to let you know you and Mr. Sparky have been chosen by a birth mother. She would like to meet with you as soon as possible since she is due on Thursday and is having contractions. Please call me as soon as you can."

"EEEEKKKKKK!!!!! splurbgasppantslurbglaksedjroaiehnjkfnaklsedjf;alkejf!!!!!!!!!!! Sob sob sob sob sob"

I believe at some point in time I actually threw my pen across the room and made a very sharp inhale/exhale pitched scream that only dogs could hear. I could hear my coworkers in the background. Actually, they sounded as if they were in a fog and surrounded by bubble wrap. My boss asked what was wrong and my other coworker said, I bet she got a baby!!!

I ran back into the break room to call Mr. Sparky. Except I dialed the agency number first and spoke with Ruth. She explained a little about the birthmom and her situation (of which I will not be sharing as it is extremely painful for her and it really is Emily's to tell). Immediately I felt a connection with this girl and could not WAIT to meet her. This conversation took place while I was half kneeling on the floor, half leaning on the table, tears streaming down my face. If you had walked in on me, you probably would have thought someone close to me had died!

I got off the phone with Ruth and quickly called Mr. Sparky. Now get this. SHE HAD CALLED HIM FIRST. AND HE DIDN"T CALL ME. He wanted me to hear it from her (I really think he was in shock and that's why he didn't call). So I quickly filled by boss in as I was running out the door. All I remember saying is that I'd call in a few to fill her in since it was only 11:00 am.

I got home and all we could do was look at each other and laugh. LAUGH! Who laughs when they've just found out they are going to be parents after so many long and tearful years. We do, apparently.

We talked about it for maybe .02 seconds and called Ruth and said let's meet as soon as possible. We scheduled a meeting for the next day at 1:00 in Phoenix. I decided to go back to work as we really needed the money and had no idea what the next few days entailed since this was her third pregnancy and she was already having contractions!

That will be all for today. I'm allowing myself only 15 minutes to write since I want to spend as much time with Emily before I go back to work (Dec. 7th!) and someone has to do the laundry because it is not getting itself done. At least my mom is coming to stay for a few days tomorrow and that should be a huge help!