That would be the sound of the air gushing out of my hope balloon. It's over, this cycle didn't work. I woke this morning to have all symptoms completely disappear, even my boobs have deflated back to their normal size. I can feel the tell tale signs that AF will show today.
I'm going to call my dr and request to start Clomid next cycle, which will technically be two cycles away since Mr. Sparky will be in Phoenix for defensive driving the entire week I ovulate. Maybe even a post-coital (where they check the amount of live sperm in me after we, you know, have "marital relations"). So, I'm sad. And frustrated. But mostly sad. We'll see how things go. January is coming quickly and we set that as the date to turn in the adoption application. So many mixed feelings and emotions.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Monday, November 5, 2007
The musings of a crazy woman (who wants really, really, badly to be pregnant!) ***Updated
** Not two seconds after I hit the publish button did I realize that the word I clicked on spell check for lightheadedness in 5. was hotheadedness. Which makese no sense. At all. ]
So, I know you all have been dying to know how an infertile woman convinces herself that she is pregnant. At 8dpo. Except now it's really more like 12 dpo and I'm trying really hard not to pee on a stick, or POAS in some circles.
Let's begin.
1. Serious fatigue - needing nap only an hour after I wake up, I have NEVER experienced this before. It could also be the fact that I have been ill since last Sunday and am still trying to get better.
2. Ravenous - the other night I ate the biggest meal and complained about not feeling well afterwards (probably from stuffing myself - dork!) and not a 1/2 hour later I was starving. In fact I just ate lunch and am now starving again. Or it could just be the fact that I like to eat, a lot(which is probably why I am 30 lbs overweight, but that is a sensitive subject, so I won't bring it up)
3. The boobs. Oh dear lordy the boobs! Mr. Sparky has been enamored with them for the last two weeks. They are HUGE. and sore. This must mean there is a baby in there, no? Except for the fact that every month before my period my boobs get big and sore, just not this big or this tender (they are tender under my arm pits and all the way up my chest). But of course I like to imagine things, so it could be all in my head.
4. The cramps. See here is the hard part. I have this bladder thingy which causes me to feel like I have cramps all the time, getting worse before my period. So, it is very hard for me to determine about 3-4 days before the period what are actual period cramps and what's from my IC. Except I don't really feel very pmsish, but again, I have an overactive imagination( and a true love for the comma).
5. The dizziness/hotheadedness. I can't stand up without having a disco ball going off in my eyes. And at church yesterday I to sit down really quickly while we were singing. In fact right now I'm a little lightheaded, but that could be from the ravenous hunger too. Hmmm, no rationalization for this one.
So for the last week Mr. Sparky and I have been walking around the house saying I'm pregnant. I even ventured to tell my friend S at the hockey game Saturday night that I thought I might be. So we wait, until Wednesday, when I can get a blood test because I refuse to pee on a stick! I will not do it! I have some (and by some I mean shreds really. There isn't much left) dignity. In fact, I was at Big L*ts today and didn't buy any. Well, they didn't have any, but had they had some! I would not have succumb.
Oh yeah, did I mention that some of these things can be related to the Prometrium I'm on? No? Silly me.
So, I know you all have been dying to know how an infertile woman convinces herself that she is pregnant. At 8dpo. Except now it's really more like 12 dpo and I'm trying really hard not to pee on a stick, or POAS in some circles.
Let's begin.
1. Serious fatigue - needing nap only an hour after I wake up, I have NEVER experienced this before. It could also be the fact that I have been ill since last Sunday and am still trying to get better.
2. Ravenous - the other night I ate the biggest meal and complained about not feeling well afterwards (probably from stuffing myself - dork!) and not a 1/2 hour later I was starving. In fact I just ate lunch and am now starving again. Or it could just be the fact that I like to eat, a lot(which is probably why I am 30 lbs overweight, but that is a sensitive subject, so I won't bring it up)
3. The boobs. Oh dear lordy the boobs! Mr. Sparky has been enamored with them for the last two weeks. They are HUGE. and sore. This must mean there is a baby in there, no? Except for the fact that every month before my period my boobs get big and sore, just not this big or this tender (they are tender under my arm pits and all the way up my chest). But of course I like to imagine things, so it could be all in my head.
4. The cramps. See here is the hard part. I have this bladder thingy which causes me to feel like I have cramps all the time, getting worse before my period. So, it is very hard for me to determine about 3-4 days before the period what are actual period cramps and what's from my IC. Except I don't really feel very pmsish, but again, I have an overactive imagination( and a true love for the comma).
5. The dizziness/hotheadedness. I can't stand up without having a disco ball going off in my eyes. And at church yesterday I to sit down really quickly while we were singing. In fact right now I'm a little lightheaded, but that could be from the ravenous hunger too. Hmmm, no rationalization for this one.
So for the last week Mr. Sparky and I have been walking around the house saying I'm pregnant. I even ventured to tell my friend S at the hockey game Saturday night that I thought I might be. So we wait, until Wednesday, when I can get a blood test because I refuse to pee on a stick! I will not do it! I have some (and by some I mean shreds really. There isn't much left) dignity. In fact, I was at Big L*ts today and didn't buy any. Well, they didn't have any, but had they had some! I would not have succumb.
Oh yeah, did I mention that some of these things can be related to the Prometrium I'm on? No? Silly me.
So Sorry
So sorry there haven't been posts the last two days, I've failed myself. Actually, my computer has been on the fritz and things are crazy buzy here at work, so I will have to wait until lunch to post about how an infirtle can convince herself she's pregnant at 8 dpo. I know you are all sitting on the edge of your seats awaiting that masterpiece.
Friday, November 2, 2007
My Dogs
Since the beginning of this blog I've been saying I will post pictures of a plethora of things and have yet to produce. In my defense we have dial-up at home and I keep forgetting to bring the camera into work. Well, the bosses are away today so I decided to upload some pictures.
Let me introduce you to my dogs:Austin & Jax
We toyed around with the idea of getting a second dog for awhile, as in from the time we got Austin until the day BEFORE we got Jax. It just wasn't fair to have Austin all by himself all day long. Actually, before we got Jax, Austin was only home alone all day for two days a week. That's not too bad if you ask me. Finally we decided that it was just going to be too much work for another dog and we didn't need the hassle. We travel down to Phoenix a lot and it's a pain to travel with Austin so I can't imagine what it would have been like with two dogs. Plus it's expensive to board two dogs too.
One sunny Sunday we were running errands after church and walked past P*t's Mart. And wouldn't you know it was Adopt A Pet Day. If I had a picture of two suckers, well maybe just one, it would look a lot like me, in every way shape and form. As we were walking down to T*rget I spotted the cutest thing I have ever seen, as evidenced above (not the best shot, I have more cuteness to follow) and immediately told Mr. Sparky we needed to have him. Someone had abandoned him when he was 5 weeks old on the side of the road. That would be March and March here is cold, very cold. So we did all the necessary things, home visit to make sure the dogs would get along and they could "check out" our house, fill out nineteen thousand reams of paper work and sign over any available organs we could spare.
And Jax came home to live with us. Except his name wasn't Jax at the time, it was Happy Jack. And as Mr. Sparky was telling the puppy to get off of whatever it was he was on, Jack's Off!!!! was yelled and I burst into 12 yr old boy laughter. Good lord that was funny. So we shortened it to Jax, which is much cuter, and do NOT.EVER. say Jax Off!! See - I'm rolling around on the floor as I type this because I am that immature.
So here are some more pictures of the dogs, sometimes I love them and sometimes I want to get rid of them. The puppy, AKA Jax, AKA piggy horse dog (he gallops like a horse and makes piggy noises when he gets excited. Man, that dog is so frickin' cute!) has a habit of crawling under our bed, which when he was a little puppy wasn't that big of a deal, except now that he is a 45 lb puppy he gets stuck and barks until we come and free him. Ahhh, seriously, it's like having kids. I pray the puppy faze is over soon, Austin is two this month and is still rather puppyish himself.
So, pictures of the dogs abound.
I am so cute, how could anyone not fall madly in love with me?
This was the day we brought him home, I really wish he would have stayed this size!
Mom, I didn't do it, I am innocent! I swear!
I wonder what happened in here? Who do you thing it was?
What? I didn't do it!
Busted!!
I was a tad angry when I found this little mess, however, it now pales in comparison to some of the other things these dogs have done.
Please join me tomorrow when I explain how an infertile can convince herself she's pregnant at only 8dpo. It's really quite the talent.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
NaBloPoMo
So it begins, thirty days of posting. As in real posts with content and meaning. We'll see how long the meaning lasts.
Today I will tell you something about me that not a lot of people in my current life know about. I am a musician. Or I should say was. I have played the piano since I was five. I didn't take my first lesson until I was nine, I taught myself in the beginning by playing by ear. I would lay down next to the gigantic 1970's speakers and memorize the music I was hearing then run to the piano and figure it out. For the first year of my lessons, I would make my teacher play the piece first, then I would play it. Always memorizing how it sounds and never actually reading the music. I fooled everyone for the first year until my teacher finally figured out that I was conning everyone. I eventually learned to read music, but now I can no longer play by ear. That is one thing I wishI never lost. It is such a great gift.
I continued with music in elementary school by learning the violin. I can tell you that ALL people in my life were grateful when I switched over to the flute in the sixth grade. I was not a very good violin player.
In junior high I started playing piano for the jazz band and got involved with percussion enjoying both very much. My freshman year of high school, every girl I knew played the flute so in order to get into Varsity band (which is really much cooler than it sounds, really) I decided to learn the bassoon. So I did and became quite good.
My junior year I decided I was tired of playing the piccolo in marching band and wanted to join drum line, where all the really cool people were. I wanted to play the cymbals but the new instructor wanted me to play mallets (marimba, xylophone, vibes, etc). And I loved it. In fact I got really good and by my senior year of high school I was the best in the state.
Then I turned eighteen in January of my senior year and I came down with a horribly serious and incurable case of senioritis. It was so bad I stopped everything, studying - which at that point was a joke since I only had elective classes and didn't need to study to get an A, and all my music lessons. I was taking piano and mallet lessons in order to get a full scholarship to NAU. Needless to say, I blew that. Big time. In fact my mom still brings it up every now and then. She was really mad at me at the time.
I did move on to NAU, without the scholarship (STUPID, STUPID, STUPID) and continued to loose all interest in music whatsoever. I still play the piano a little bit today, I have a beautiful antique upright player piano from 1906 that is my pride and joy. I just do not make the time in my schedule to play, much to my husband's dismay. He loves it when I play.
I know that things happen for a reason, if I had gone to NAU on that scholarship I would have graduated and moved to NY or LA to do what I wanted - movie scores. But instead, and here is the very less glamorous part, I dropped out of school and moved back home. Had this not happened though, I would not have met Mr. Sparky and I wouldn't have the life I do now. I do wonder sometimes what life would have been like. Would I have been successful? Would I have been able to make a career out of it? Would I be making a lot of money? Would I have been happy?
I know that I made the right choice now, even though at the time it was painful for all involved. And the road to this point has not been easy, it's been cluttered with drama and pain and frustration. But I'm happy now, and content with my life (as content as an infertile can be) and know that when God is ready for me to use the talent He gave me, He will let me know.
Today I will tell you something about me that not a lot of people in my current life know about. I am a musician. Or I should say was. I have played the piano since I was five. I didn't take my first lesson until I was nine, I taught myself in the beginning by playing by ear. I would lay down next to the gigantic 1970's speakers and memorize the music I was hearing then run to the piano and figure it out. For the first year of my lessons, I would make my teacher play the piece first, then I would play it. Always memorizing how it sounds and never actually reading the music. I fooled everyone for the first year until my teacher finally figured out that I was conning everyone. I eventually learned to read music, but now I can no longer play by ear. That is one thing I wishI never lost. It is such a great gift.
I continued with music in elementary school by learning the violin. I can tell you that ALL people in my life were grateful when I switched over to the flute in the sixth grade. I was not a very good violin player.
In junior high I started playing piano for the jazz band and got involved with percussion enjoying both very much. My freshman year of high school, every girl I knew played the flute so in order to get into Varsity band (which is really much cooler than it sounds, really) I decided to learn the bassoon. So I did and became quite good.
My junior year I decided I was tired of playing the piccolo in marching band and wanted to join drum line, where all the really cool people were. I wanted to play the cymbals but the new instructor wanted me to play mallets (marimba, xylophone, vibes, etc). And I loved it. In fact I got really good and by my senior year of high school I was the best in the state.
Then I turned eighteen in January of my senior year and I came down with a horribly serious and incurable case of senioritis. It was so bad I stopped everything, studying - which at that point was a joke since I only had elective classes and didn't need to study to get an A, and all my music lessons. I was taking piano and mallet lessons in order to get a full scholarship to NAU. Needless to say, I blew that. Big time. In fact my mom still brings it up every now and then. She was really mad at me at the time.
I did move on to NAU, without the scholarship (STUPID, STUPID, STUPID) and continued to loose all interest in music whatsoever. I still play the piano a little bit today, I have a beautiful antique upright player piano from 1906 that is my pride and joy. I just do not make the time in my schedule to play, much to my husband's dismay. He loves it when I play.
I know that things happen for a reason, if I had gone to NAU on that scholarship I would have graduated and moved to NY or LA to do what I wanted - movie scores. But instead, and here is the very less glamorous part, I dropped out of school and moved back home. Had this not happened though, I would not have met Mr. Sparky and I wouldn't have the life I do now. I do wonder sometimes what life would have been like. Would I have been successful? Would I have been able to make a career out of it? Would I be making a lot of money? Would I have been happy?
I know that I made the right choice now, even though at the time it was painful for all involved. And the road to this point has not been easy, it's been cluttered with drama and pain and frustration. But I'm happy now, and content with my life (as content as an infertile can be) and know that when God is ready for me to use the talent He gave me, He will let me know.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)