Wednesday, October 17, 2007


Ugh. Today has been rough, but an eye opener. I think for the first time I have accepted the fact that I am sick, that I have a condition that has no cure and will forever and always be my side kick. A very un-welcomed side kick. It's an amazing thing, I feel like I've woken up from a fog that has lasted almost three years. Since my diagnosis a year and a half ago, I think I have stuffed it in, only dealing with the infertility, not wanting to deal with something of this magnitude. Oh my poor husband.

I came clean to my bosses today, apologized for my unbelievably horrid work habits the past few months, tried to explain that my illness is somehow affecting my memory, although I don't think they really got that part. They may have thought it was an excuse, I don't know. I didn't go into detail, didn't tell them what I have. Maybe I will have to, as my memory seems to be getting worse and I don't really have a good explanation as to why. I think it's a combo of IC and stress. Today I feel like I'm losing my mind. Do you ever feel like that? Like you are having a conversation with someone and you see everything, but you see it as if it's their life? Very distanced? I must sound like a complete nut, but really, who cares. Sometimes it's ok to sound a little nutty. I feel like I've been holding it together and it's all unraveling like little strings here and there.

You should see my house, it is absolutely disgusting! I told Mr. Sparky last night we should just move, don't bother packing or cleaning, just move. It sounds lovely. I've decided today that I need to find a good doctor (which entails driving 2 hrs to Phx) and dealing with everything. Maybe I shall visit the Mayo. Dear lord they have done wonders for so many people I love. Ah, but the hiding factor - I do not want to seem weak, so I hide things. Stuff them as far down as possible until my toes swell ( I think that is really from being over weight, but this makes me feel better!), and things start popping out of them. That is really quite disgusting, I apologize.

Oh dear vacation, why art thou so far away?

Wow - I just read all this and it sounds very disjointed. If I were reading this I would be worried about me, but since I know how I am (very, very tired and in pain) this actually doesn't sound too bad. You should hear me in my sleep!

1 comment:

V said...

Life can be really rough! Hang in there! I am praying for you!