Merry Christmas!

So much for being an active blogger and posting my daughters' milestones so I could remember them. Lame.

There has been so much crazy going on - and not the average every day crazy - but mental crazy (not mine, someone else's) that has been heaped onto our lovely little family that it has made ME want to be committed along with the real crazy in the family. Oh how I wish I could go into detail, it would be so cathartic, but can't happen.

Before Emily came along we knew I would take at least 6 weeks off, preferably eight. So when I lost my job in April and found my new job in May I was very up front about my needs and what would be happening. Luckily, my new job was very much ok with it. So when Emily came it was never a question of me being able to take time off.

Eight weeks to the day after Emily was born I got up, got dressed and headed into work leaving my little girl in her daddy's very capable arms for six hours. My schedule was Monday-Friday 11-5. Pretty easy if I do say so myself. And we had a great friend lined up to watch Emily three days a week. Things were going well.

Two hours into my day my boss calls me in to her office to tell me that things are too slow right now and they can only have me work Monday-Wednesday-Friday. I was totally ok with that as I knew it was inevitable and I would at least be bringing in some money and would get to be with Em two days a week. No biggy. That night even Mr. Sparky was doing well with it, which is surprising since he is the one to freak out about money woes.

Wednesday morning I got dressed and headed into work. An hour after I got there my boss said someone had to go home for the day and by the way - we are cutting you back to Mondays and Fridays. Hmm. Not ideal, but still making some money. (60% less than I was making only two days earlier!)

Friday I got dressed and ready to go to work and Emily decided to have a really bad cold and stop eating altogether. I called work to tell them I would be late and we headed off to the dr's. After two hours and learning that my child had to eat by EYE DROPPER I called work to tell them I wouldn't be coming in just as my boss was leaving me a message to say don't bother coming in it's too slow.

The weekend went well - heaped with a little more crazy from the crazy person - and Monday as I was getting ready to go to work the phone rings. Can anyone guess who it was? That's right! My boss - " I am sorry to do this over the phone, but I didn't want you to come all the way in. We don't have enough work for you. We will call after the first of the year to re-evaluate. Have a great Christmas!"

I am now a full time stay at home mom. It is exactly what I wanted my whole life. Just really crappy timing. And let me tell you why. Earlier this month we decided to walk away from our house. Our lovely bank Wells has done nothing for us. I would go into detail, but it makes my blood pressure soar. We had a plan - we were going to use my income to pay off our car and one of our credit cards. We would be 3/4 out of debt by this time next year. We would also have enough saved up for first and last months rent (we can rent a house 70 billion times nicer than ours for less than half of our current mortgage payment - suck it real estate). Now we don't know what is going to happen.

I am not going to look for a job until after the holidays, if I look for one at all. We live in a very small town with a very crappy economy and NO ONE IS HIRING. We are making decisions that to the outside world look foolish, but for our family make sense. Our plan is out the window and we have just enough money to pay for the remaining bills without my income or our mortgage. We found out last night that my husband will more than likely get a 10% pay cut soon, and the good news? That puts us at the right income level for food stamps. Not the proudest moment in my life, but if we qualify, why not.

Bankruptcy has crossed our minds as an option. Although it makes us sick to go that route, with everything that has happened, it may be our only option. It would give us the freedom to start over and become good stewards of the money God has given us. It would give us the opportunity to be the parents we want to be, not the stressed out balls of mess we are on the way to becoming.

The good in all of this? We have an amazing daughter who is growing and learning and smiling and makes the world bright even at 3 am when she is up for no reason. We have amazing friends - most of whom are in a similar boat as us and have been for awhile - that we can lean on for support. For the most part we have family that love us no matter what, and while dealing with the crazy is difficult and there have been shouting matches over the phone and people telling whoppers of lies, it isn't life ending. We have friends who have a very sick daughter and the dad just lost his job. Again. But they are the most positive people I have ever met. And we have a God who is breaking us, and hard. He is doing this so we will trust him more, trust that he will provide because he promises us he will provide for our NEEDS.

We are learning, again, how to live off of cash and be frugal and responsible. This is not where I saw myself at almost 30 (only a few more weeks!), but I am happy and my marriage is no longer on the road to destruction and we are happier than we have ever been. It's a good thing.

So Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year because I can't guarantee that I will post again any time soon. Jesus is the reason for Christmas and without the birth of that little baby and the death and resurrection we will celebrate in just a few short months, none of this would have any meaning at all.