Tuesday, March 18, 2008

The End

It's over. Jax will no longer be a part of our family. And this is terribly sad to me.

We rescheduled the dog guy to come out yesterday afternoon to work with us and both dogs. Sunday Mr. Sparky and I got into a lovely discussion about using money saved for adoption on the dogs after people had given us money for the ADOPTION. I've been against the idea of using the money, but seeing Mr. Sparky's face at the thought of giving Jax away was too much. Thankfully at bible study Sunday night a good friend with some serious wisdom talked to Mr. Sparky about the situation. That is what caused the friendly discussion and the cancellation of the dog guy.

We found out a friend of ours trains dogs (I knew that, I just forgot) and she said she would be willing to work with us. Unfortunately it wasn't in the cards for that to work out.

The dogs were fine all day until I got home tonight. Jax got a little testy with Austin over something (again, there is no visual cue for us to see what sets Jax off) and so I put him on the leash to keep near me while making dinner. Mr. Sparky had to into work early tonight so I was alone. A few times this happened and I was able to nip it in the butt. But for some reason Jax lost his shit and went after Austin. This time Austin fought back and wouldn't let go. I was terrified, in tears, trying to pull these two 65 pound dogs apart. That's when Jax came after me.

The end. No more. I cannot handle this. In fact, I am still shaking and it's been over an hour since it happened. Thinking about it makes me cry. I'm not hurt, just a few scratches and more scared than anything. Especially since Mr. Sparky won't be home until 2:00 this morning.

I put Jax outside to cool off and all he did was bark for 30 straight minutes. I went to let him in (usually they are ok after a snit and some time apart) and for some reason grabbed Jaxs' collar before he came through the door. It was a good thing. Austin was about five feet from the door and Jax went after him again. I tried my best to keep myself between them and not get hurt and at the same time get Jax into his kennel in our room.

I called our friend who was going to help us and she said no way, this dog needs to be out of the house. She gave me the number of a local place that will test him to see if he is trainable or if he has to be put down. I hate this. I don't want him to be put down. He has the sweetest demeanor when he isn't all psycho. I know in my head that this is what we have to do, but it is so sad to think about.

I hope they can train him - he deserves a loving home if they can. He really is the cutest thing ever.

Nessa the Authoritarian

I rock. Really. It's true.

We deal with a local newspaper to have certain legal notices printed for our clients. After the notice has run it's allotted time, we receive an affidavit that needs to be filed with the court for proof.

Well, being that we work in Podunk, the woman that is my contact isn't the brightest or fastest person I've met. And I'm not trying to be mean, but when you are providing a service for a fee it should be completed quickly and correctly.

Last Monday (as in a week from yesterday) I called and requested an affidavit for a notice that ran in November. She said she would mail it out right away. By Friday I still hadn't received it. I called and she said she mailed it Thursday and we should get it soon.

I opened Monday's mail and found the envelope. That was postmarked for Friday, which means she lied to me about mailing it. But here's the kicker - the envelope was empty. Yes. Not only did she lie to me about the date she mailed it, but she sealed, addressed, stamped and mailed and empty envelope. Bright, no?

So yesterday I called and of course she was out of the office until Wednesday. So I asked for her supervisor. I left a message saying we would no longer be using their establishment and that her employee not only sent me an empty envelope, but she flat out lied to me.

Today while I was out of the office, we got our notice that we had been waiting for. Hand-delivered.

I am that good.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Jax *Updated

I just got off the phone with Mr. Sparky. He was totally out of breath and a little shaken. The dogs got into a fight again. This time Jax (the instigator) had Austin pinned against the sliding door. It was bad.

Last night as we were making dinner, the dogs were outside sniffing the grill, the sliding door was open and Jax just attacked Austin. It was the worst I had seen it (up until today's) and it scared me more than the attack last week. I've been doing some research online, but I don't think this is something we can handle on our own. Mr. Sparky is calling a guy whose name we got from our vet. I hope this works. I'm not afraid to put the dog down if I have to. It isn't safe for kids.

All night after yesterdays fight, Jax would not let Austin walk anywhere. Everytime Austin would make a move, Jax would be there, aggresivley blocking Austin's way with his body. It was scary. I think there might be something wrong with my dog.

*Mr. Sparky spoke with the dog trainer yesterday and he is coming out on Sunday to meet with us. It is going to cost $650! and that's a reduced rate because he is training someone right now. Usually it's $1200. I pray that this works, and that we figure out where to get the money from. We may have to take it from our homestudy savings. I think we will have to ask the church for the homestudy fee. I don't want to but I don't see any other way.


It's fun to see how people get to my blog through searches.

To the person who found my by searching for "I've got a sore throat and going through puberty, is this normal?" - it really doesn't have any correlation. Puberty sucks. So does a sore throat. Sorry.

Also - whoever lives in Sandwich Mass? That is awesome.

Not much content for now as I just walked into work 45 min late and shouldn't even be doing this.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Because I Can

84 words

I am a dork. I know.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

He Ate My PMS Chessecake

I only have cheesecake in the house on two occasions:

1. a very special occasion

2. PMS

Last night was reason 2. I went to the store and bought a cherry cheesecake and a half gallon of rocky road*. I ate half the cheesecake and a few spoon fulls of ice cream.

I get home from work today and the other half of the cheesecake was gone.

Needless to say after a few choice words dinner was very quiet.

I don't think he will be eating cheesecake again anytime soon (at least not without asking first!)

* What. Like you've never bought ice cream just because it was on sale.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

God's Never Ending Grace

Today after church we were talking to a friend of ours about our garage sale to raise funds for the adoption. We have not told anyone about our decisions except our families a few friends (who do not attend our church) and our small group. When we walked up to her, before I even opened my mouth, she said she had things for our garage sale. I immediately knew who had told her, it was our small group leader, and was very ok with it. It's not like we are trying to keep it a secret anymore.

She said she was overjoyed for us and had been praying for us for quite some time. Her husband unexpectedly passed away last year (early 40's - total shock) and she has been doing some major work to her house with the money he had left her. She is gutting her entire home and in the process is giving us all the appliances, all the cabinets, all furniture and some other random things for our garage sale. She is even going to bring it to us! At the same time, another woman we know was walking by and asked why I was crying. We told her about the adoption and the garage sale and God's grace and she said she has a whole bunch of stuff sitting in her garage just waiting for a good place to be sold. She even said she would drop it off at our house!

But it gets better. She says she has something for us, something that she's been holding onto for awhile. She runs to her car and comes back with a check. The check is dated for 02.28, which was before we told the small group that for sure we were doing a garage sale, and before we had really told anyone else about the adoption. The check was for $1000. That's right - enough money to cover the birth-parent letter fee we need at the end of the home study.

I spoke with my mom today to tell her the news and her and my father apparently have been talking for weeks about giving us money. They haven't decided on an amount yet, but they are going to give us some. Of course I started crying again because we would never ask them for money for this. They said they knew we would never have asked for the money, but they feel it is something God is laying on their hearts. And I'm sure some of that is because it's going toward their future grandchild!!

I'll be starting another blog for our friends and family to travel along the journey with us. It will be password protected and the majority of the content will be the same here, just not as much MIL bashing and we will be using our real identities. Mr. Sparky feels much safer without our real selves out in the open for anyone to see. If I know you pretty well (such as communicating via e-mail or whatnot) and you want the password, I'll let you have it. Although I don't know why you would want to read the same boring drivel in two spots!

Wednesday, March 5, 2008


Today I had to do something that made me physically ill. And rather scared.

Our dogs, Austin and Jax, sometimes get a little snippy with each other. They both are very dominant and Jax tends to start fights. And by fights I mean if you where walking down the street and heard/saw what was happening between our dogs you would think they were going to kill each other. We can always break them up and they spend some alone time afterwards.

But this morning. This morning was terribly horrid. The dogs had both finished their breakfast and were standing in the kitchen. Austin started walking towards his bowl and Jax lost it. I don't know what set him off, but man. I could not pry them apart (not afraid of them bitting me, I can stick my hand in between them and they completely ignore me, but what about a child?) so I had to kick Jax. This is something I am NOT proud of, but felt it had to be done. I don't know if he would have caused Austin any harm (they never hurt each other, just scare the crap out of us), but I could not let it continue.

I think it's time we had some serious training. Mr. Sparky and I talked about the possiblity of having to give the dogs up. I would in a heart beat if it was the only thing standing between us and a child. It would break my heart - I love those dogs. They are fun and loving and adorable. But this is not a safe environment. Especially since we don't really know what sets Jax off. He wasnt' like this when we first got him, it only started happening in the fall. I don't know if it is something that happened between him or Austin, if it is a trait of the breed (Catahoula Hound - don't think that is the case though), or it's just his personality.

What would you do? We obviously don't have the money for full on training classes, and our vet isn't much help. We asked her about it and she said he just needs training. She never addressed the behavior, it was almost an afterthought for her. I don't know. I'm torn. I'm ashamed, although I do know I did what I had to to protect Austin from being hurt and it is not something that EVER happens in our house. They get swatted on the nose when doing something wrong, mostly they get squirted with the dreaded water bottle, but NO abuse. EVER. Ugh. It makes me sick.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Baby things, Sickness and The unholy place (otherwise known as BRU)

I'm still not feeling any better. I don't ache as much, but I'm still really congested and have absolutely no energy. Hopefully soon this will go away.

Mr. Sparky only has 1.5 weeks left in his FTO (Field Training) and is very excited to be on his own. He's gotten really lucky with the training officers he's had, but he's just ready to be in his own area and get a feel for things. He finally got his permanent schedule (they bid every six months) and it's a really good one. He will be working graveyard (8pm - 6am) Tuesday thru Saturday. He'll get home at 6am Saturday and won't go in until 8pm Tuesday.

This isn't my preferred schedule, but apparently things go bump in the night and cops like that kind of thing. Who new.

We finished our adoption classes Saturday and I'm kind of mixed on the whole cramming into two days thing. It was good because we needed them and it was the only way we could get them in before the summer. On the other hand, we missed a lot because of the time constraints, which bums me out. Our homestudy packet was given to us after class on Saturday, and if you've ever done this before you will understand what kind of hell we are in for. It is the most intrusive, most meticulous paper work I have ever seen. And I'm totally overwhelmed. I can't imagine what Mr. Sparky will say when he finally reads the packet. He doesn't handle stuff like that well. It's just too overwhelming for him.

After the class, we drove down to Phx and went to BRU. Ugh. It was awful. I think it would have been better if it were just me and my mom. If it was her and I we could take our time and I really felt rushed. The place gave Mr. Sparky the creeps. We did the important stuff first - car seat and stroller and then the nursery furniture. Which we will have to change since we didn't realize the crib we picked didn't turn into a toddler bed and that was Mr. Sparky's one request.
After 45 min. I sent him to the rocking chair area and just let him sit with his eyes closed while I finished up.

I am having mixed reservations about setting up a registry. I think mostly I dont' want to feel like a fraud. I didn't really feel like a fraud in the store - I talked to a few parents who were currently using items we were interested in and they asked the "when are you due" time bomb and I never flinched. I told then we were adopting and every single person got really excited and congratulatory. So that felt fine.

I think it has to do with my friends. Not that they would say anything to my face (and not that they would really say anything behind my back either because they wouldn't really be friends then, would they). Maybe it's just my insecurities of trying to prepare for being a parent, but not having a visible reminder to myself or the outside world. That is one thing I've been reading about - remembering that we are preparing just like a pregnant couple would. We have the same concerns, same questions (about the actual parenting, not the whole before hand thing), and same worries. We want the safest things for our baby too. Our downfall is that we don't have a concrete date for that baby's arrival.

So I vacillate between taking down the registry and leaving it up. I'd hate to take it down, it was a lot of WORK to get it started. And it's not finished either. There are things I didn't get a chance to really look at, really inspect and I want to. I want there to be that same excitement as if I had a due date and new when our baby was going to actually be using this stuff.

I've also started reading parenting books. Aside from the adoption books. Such as sleep books and breast feeding books (I'm going to give it a go and a friend is going to give me her supplemental nurser so I don't have to buy one) and again, I feel a little like a fraud. So I have to remember that I'm not. I don't get the nine months to research and decide what we want to do. I could have a baby in my arms in as little time as two months! So I have to realize that these feelings are normal, and that it's ok for me to start researching and reading and learning and deciding.

Oh and maybebaby - it is official - her parents are going to keep her. And it's an ok thing. I don't think we were really ever meant to have her. I know God used her as a catalyst for us to get off our lazy behinds and start the process. If it hadn't have been for the prospect of maybebaby, we wouldn't have started things until this summer or even next year. And I firmly believe God wants us to be right where we are. He's sneaky like that.