Friday, February 29, 2008

Tired of Trying to Die *UPDATED

Today is the first day since Monday that I feel remotely human.

And it serves me right, Saturday I was bragging to a friend who has been sick for almost a month now that I have not gotten horrifically ill.

Oh why can't I learn that being a braggart does nothing but cause trouble?

Monday I was nauseous all day, to the point that water was the enemy, and spent most of my lunch hour on the floor. Of course I was flirting with the idea that I could be pregnant Amalah style, not letting the fact that I had just FINISHED my period mere days before deter my thoughts in any way. But by bedtime that night I was much better.

Tuesday morning brought a ridiculously swollen and sore throat, but no other symptoms. Until I got to work. That is when my joints cried in pain every time I moved. And made the day horrid.

Wednesday I awoke with nary a sore throat. In is stead was a vicious case of the hurtsallovers. But I trooped into work and managed to make my way through. Although when my boss asked if I was going through puberty again due to the three octaves lower my register had gotten, I knew it was going to be bad.

Thursday I woke up at 8:03, shortly after I was supposed to BE.AT.WORK. Knowing that I was going to die shortly, I called my boss, left a message and promptly found a comfortable place in bed to shrivel up and die.

Although I didn't die, I'm afraid death would have been my first option. Whatever I have is not pleasant. There has been no puking (blessedly, as I would rather have incessant diarea than puke) but the aches, it hurt to pee. And not in the bad way. Not as if there is a good way...nevermind.

Today I awoke feeling like a new being. Well, at least not as bad as the past few days. I still feel very lightheaded when I move too fast, and I think I have swallowed my weight in snot (sorry), but I don't feel like dying. Which is great. Especially since I have very little vacation time left and cannot afford to miss any work. Good thing my bosses are so understanding.

Oh yeah, the birthmother is having a baby shower soon. It looks like this may not go through. Which is ok. Mr. Sparky and I are a little sad, but mostly relieved. I have to tell you - the end of March is only four weeks away. I know we would make it work, but it's a bit of a relief. We are continuing the adoption path and not looking back. Except maybe a glance or two over my shoulder every now and then.

*** The new being I felt like this morning has died. In it's place a sad, sad, tired and dizzy thing has been put. I took some cold medicine earlier and now feel as if my head is no longer attached to my body. But I'm still at work, coutning down the minutes - only 58 to go, and am looking forward to a nice long hot bath and a hot totty. I have to feel better - we have our last adoption class tomorrow and we are going to Phx to visit Gigantic Baby Store. Which I'm slightly excited about, but we'll see how that goes. I'm willing to bet there will be more than one pregnant woman there on a Saturday afternoon!

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Switching Sides for Now

We have officially begun the adoption process. Today we turned in our application and $350.00 for the classes we need to take and the application fee.

Wow. Last night I could hardly sleep. I don't know if it was anticipation or just plan being scared, but I tossed and turned all night. I don't know why I was terrified of going to the class today, maybe because this is now official, more real.

Up until today, the prospect of maybe baby (who now has a name, but that will come at a later date, when I feel like sharing that information will not lead to my heart stopping) was still a dream. Something that was not really here nor there. I know that the possibility of her is real, but so is the fact that her parents will decide they want to keep her and raise her themselves. Which is ok - except for the whole child abuse thing with the older brother. I can only pray that if maybe baby is not meant for us, that the Lord really work on this mother and help her to be a good parent. Not for our sake, but for the baby's.

The class was FANTASTIC! It was small, only three couples including us, the director of the agency and someone from our church who is starting up an adoption/infertility program. It was so laid back and so fun. We really clicked well with the other two couples even though they are in there late 30's early 40's. It's not that that is old - my brothers' are that age - it's just not what I was expecting. Although, I really didn't have any expectations as to how it would go.

It totally blew my mind. We covered so many things that neither of us had even thought about. We covered extensively the emotions that the birth mother/birth grandparents/birth father would be dealing with and since it will be an open adoption (required by the agency) it is something we really need to take into account. Not that I hadn't thought about that stuff, I cannot imagine what it must take for these women to hand over their children to virtual strangers to raise. I start to tear up just thinking about it.

One of the recommended books was Raising Adopted Children (can't think of the author off hand) and I went out and bought it after the class. It has so much information! It will definitely take some time to sort through the book - information overload. But it brought up many things I had never thought about. Such as explaining the adoption process to extended family and having a discussion time with them. Answering questions they may have and easing any fears they may have.

After so long keeping our infertility journey a secret from our family, it will be hard to be so open about everything, but I feel with the possibility of maybe baby it is only fair to our family that they get that opportunity as well. They need time to process and make heads or tails of the information that we've had a while to process ourselves.

I added a header to the title of my blog. Even though we've made the move to adoption it doesn't mean that we are giving up on a biological child. That was one of the things Mr. Sparky and I battled about before we firmly decided on adoption - to him it felt like we were giving up, that I was giving up on the dream of our own baby. But I'm not. I have never once felt like we would never have our own children. But this is a God thing, he is the one directing this in the way he wants it to go. Apparently he wants us to be parents to a child whose biological family felt they couldn't. To give a child the opportunity to grow up in a loving and supportive Christian home. And who knows. We may never have our own children.

And you know what? That's ok.

Friday, February 22, 2008

The World May Stop Spinning!

I am wearing a pair of pants I have not been able to fit over my hips for two plus years. I sauntered back and forth in front of my full length mirrored closet doors for a good five minutes while my dogs looked at me like I had truly lost my mind. It felt wonderful

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Oh My Goodness

I just told the main partner in my firm about the maybe baby and he is exstatic! He said that whatever we need just to let them know, and if I would be open to it, I could work from home a few days a week! Totally BLOWN AWAY!

Just keep praying that this goes the way it is supposed to!

I'm in shock, this totally feels like a dream!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

She's Finally Outed Herself and Many Many Other Things That Are Totally Random

Yay to Maggie who's finally outed herself and I no longer need to be sneaky. Congrats Maggie Philip and Jackson!

This past week has been very dark for me. Very scary and dark. For over two years now I have been dealing with the emotions of infertility, the sadness of seeing the red, the confussion at an "unexplained infertiltiy" diagnosis, the feeling of failure. All of those I think I have weathered rather well, I feel that all in all I have been handling this whole roller coaster decently. Until Thursday night. We were lying in bed, lights off when all of a sudden I had this uncontrollable burst of anger. And when I say anger I don't mean the I'm-angry-don't-talk-to-me-right-now kind, I mean the I-want-to-break-things kind. For no reason (although I suspect it was to release some of the tension in me) I slammed my open hand agains the wall.Hard. So hard in fact the whole bedroom shook and my hand hurt.

I got up and went to the couch. I was going to try and read through whatever it was I was experiencing. I went to turn on the lamp and when I couldn't get to work I shook it so hard I broke it. Then I turned around and saw the flowers Mr. Sparky had given me that day. In a very heavy glass vase (which was one of my favorites, might I add). I stared at it for a while and realized that instead of punching holes into the walls which I wanted to do so badly, I could break it and not "hurt" anything. So I walked over to it and shoved it as hard as I could onto the kitchen floor. Of course it shattered, in fact I managed to get glass in the living room. Immediatley I broke down into sobs and Mr. Sparky came out and put his hand on my back. I think he was afraid or scared or something. I don't think he really knew what to do with me, which made two of us, since I had NO earthly clue what was going on either.

I tried to clean it up, but he wouldn't let me and took me back to bed. I lay there for a little while before trying to go clean it up again, but he still wouldn't let me. I managed to fall asleep, still sobbing and not quite sure what had set this off.

Work the next day wasn't overly fun. I was in a funk and short with my boss (which very rarely happens). I ran some errands int he afternoon and when I came back I opened my e-mail. And the first thing I read was that my friend was 9 weeks pregnant. I had just had a girls weekend with her and she said she didn't want any more right now, she couldn barely handle the one she had. And now she is pregnant and I am not. Needless to say I lost it. I started crying at my desk and decided I needed to go home. I wrote a note to my boss that said I was leaving and ran out as fast as I could.

I made it home, Mr. Sparky of course was confused as to why I was home at 3:30 in the afternoon. I collapsed on the bed into heaping sobs, again. So far the weekend was shaping up to be stellar(dripping with sarcasim if it wasn't obvious). Again Mr. Sparky had no idea what to do with me and luckily my friend S called. This is where God decides he is in charge and makes things better. I had called her on the way home, but hung up after only one ring because the thought of talking about the e-mail while driving scared me. She saw I called, called me back and immediatley new something was wrong. She told me to hang tight and that she would be right over. Except I hadn't told her I was home, I should have been at work still. Somehow she knew that I was home and that I needed her. It's the little things that remind me God is in control - that he knows exactly what we need and when and he makes it happen.

Thank goodness she came over. She let me cry and then in no time flat had me laughing again. And feeling much better. We talked about the maybe baby (she is the baby's aunt) and how we weren't getting our hopes up, but still very open and excited about the prospect of this little one being ours. She left me feeling tons better and with a new outlook on the situation.

Saturday Mr. Sparky and I went for a drive in the country. It wasn't supposed to be a long drive, just an hour or two. We ended up on this long road that led through ranch land, mountains, pines and then high desert. We ended up being gone for over 6 hours! and it was just what I needed. I find I'm always reenergized after a drive in the middle of nowwhere. It amazes me that God created all of the landscape. How he thought about every little detail, and with one command, made it so. It gives me great joy in knowing that he cares about everything, even the little stuff.

We haven't been to church in a few weeks and when we got there I looked through the bulletin. Smack in the middle of the page was an announcement for the adoption classes we needed. Our agency (chosen, not applied to yet) was putting them on at the church - for the next two Saturdays. Which is another answer to prayer. There are eight classes in all - during the week. Which meant that it would have been impossible for us to take them until after June, Mr. Sparky is on probation until then and cannot take any time off. So another answer to prayer.

I spoke with the woman from the adoption agency and told her what was going on and she was so encouraging. There could be some problems due to the fact that Child Protective Services is involved with the family, but prayer can accomplish many things. We are getting signed up for the classes ($300, but it is good for three years) and need to get the application turned in and somehow come up with $1200 for the homestudy. It's going to be interresting right now as we have NO.EXTA.MONEY. In fact, somehow we have to come up with $500 to fix my car and I was just told that after the $300 for the classes, we will have very little in savings. Which terrifies the crap out of me. BUt I have to look at it as a challenege from God - trust me. He wants us to trust him with our finances and he's been working on us for quite some time, but I think this is the true test - do I worry about this and stress, or do I say OK God, it's up to you and I believe that you will take care of us. I know that it's the latter which is the right answer. I know that is what we have to do, but as a woman whose security line is no longer as big as it used to be, it's going to be tough.

And on some lesser notes - stripping wallpaper sucks, but I have a beautiful bathroom now and I will show pictures later. Also, if you are using the vaccuum attachments, be sure there isn't a rag under the roller or your vaccuum will smoke, catch fire and possibly singe the carpet, if you are lucky. Oh yeah, and my mom wants to write about our struggles. She's a writer and battled infertility to have me. More on that later.

*again, blogger won't let me use spell check. Gah.

* So God just showed me how good he is - Mr. Sparky found some old Savings Bonds the other night and I just got back from the bank. Guess how much? $741.00!!! God is so GOOD!!!

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Mad Rush

I just spoke with my friend S, her brother's girlfriend is the one carrying our maybe baby. No one has made up their minds regarding the baby, but the option is still on the table.

However, we thought her due date was sometime in April, it's actually the end of March! HOLY COW!!

So we've now started a mad rush to get "things" in order. I called the adoption agency to find out exactly what has to happen, I've e-mailed Moxie to see if she and her amazing readers can give us some advice on what we absolutely need to buy beforehand (and I'm asking the same of you too. I know I have readers, now is the time to rise and shine and give me some real advice! Please, pretty, pretty please!) seeing that I DO NOT need to have a bunch of unnecessary baby stuff in my house if this thing goes south. We will have a shower a few weeks after she is born, again, if she is meant to be ours, to cover all the goodies.

So I will tell you what we do have so that you can tell me what I need (bare necesseties please, I dont' think I can do a whole lot of baby stuff until after we know for sure she is meant for us):
1 cradle - wanted bedding set e-mailed to my mother today with permission for her to buy
1 travel system(in rubino) courtesy of friends (to be returned once we get our own, not necessarily a travel system. I'm thinking of this and this and then getting something like this later on.
1 pack n' play
1 swing (on loan until we get our own)

Things I think I know I will want (lots of words tripping over themselves in my head, MARCH!)
1 sling - probably a peanut pouch
can't think of anything else I will want to be before hand, but maybe you smart people will know what I cannot possibly live without between the birth and a shower?
Things I'm pretty sure we will need:

bottles (what kind, how many)
formula (what kind is best? how many cans should we have on hand just in case? - we can always donate if it turns out she won't be ours)
burp clothes (how many? again not over kill, just necessity)
receiving blankets

If there is anything else you can think of that I am missing of could you good people please let me know? Thanks. I'm a little nervous and excited and I just realized I'm going to have to tell me bosses soon. Oh my.

Oh yeah, and some good mixed drink recipes for in the meantime would be great. I'm partial to vodka and gin, but fruity things are good too!'

Friday, February 8, 2008


I spoke with Mr. Sparky and we are getting (finally) high speed internet! So long dial-up doldrums, helloooooo high-speed happiness! I will know be able to do stuff to my blog from home. Not that you really care about all of that, but I do. It's exciting. Especially when there is Absolutley.Nothing.Else going on right now.

In fact, I have the motivation of slug. And I have been working at that break-neck pace ALL WEEK. Which is to say, in laymans terms, I have accomplished absolutley nothing. And I am very proud of that fact thank you very much.

* It must be made known that I HATE that saying. It was just the first thing that came to mind after the glorious high-speed news.

Oh yeah, in other fantastic news - due to the high speed thingy we are getting a new phone jack put in the office/2nd bedroom/will it ever be a nursey/storage room for all of Mr. Sparky's cop crap. The excitment over this is due to the fact that the morons who built our house didn't put a phone jack in that room. Who does this?

Working on a post in response to Mel's latest Friday Blog Round-up. It's been stewing all day in my head and I can't wait to get it out. Nothing earth shattering really, just a good outlet.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Aparently I Only Throw Hissy Fits for People I Know in Real Life

I was so proud of myself for not overreacting to my internet buddy's news (who really needs to tell the world soon, because my goodness, I'm going to explode if I have to keep quiet any LONGER). I even boasted about it to Mr. Sparky.

Then Saturday came and a friend called me out of the blue (they are a new couple in our small group - who we happened to meet like three years ago but not really ever do anything with until now - random how this world works) to tell me that they were pregnant. I then awoke from whatever drug induced state I was in and promptly lost my s*&t. Of course not while on the phone with her because that, yes that would have been very rude. And I am not rude to people I like.

The people at the voting polls however. That's a different story for a different day.

She was so kind and truly didn't want to hurt my feelings. And while I was on the phone with her I was ok. But sometime the conversation had to end and of COURSE Mr. Sparky had to ask how I was doing. This couple was not actively trying to get pregnant (if I haven't mentioned this - we are in the MOST FERTILE small group at our church. It's actually known as the "good looking fertile" group. And I'm afraid we really don't fit either category really well) and so I took comfort in the fact that maybe we would get pregnant first. But of course not. Silly, silly Nessa.

After Mr. Sparky asked how I was doing, I put a lame thumbs up and my lip started to quiver. Now. I can hold it in as long as needed. In fact I went an entire three hours without losing it at Mr. Sparky's 30th birthday party when our friend's announced they were having a baby when I knew she really didn't want to, but now she is a great mom so it's totally a moot point. And I only lost it once we were about an hour away from home (which was an amazing feat) But once that lip quivers, dammit, I lose any semblance of control. So the thumbs went up and the tears came and I cried for over an hour.

And there were so many emotions that came out. Some I guess I hadn't even acknowledged were there. Some were scary. And I finally poured out my soul to my husband. My poor, poor husband. I got so mad at him that I shoved him. Not in a "I want to pummel you and then stomp on you" kind of way, it was more like "get away from me you are making see red and want to kill you" kind of way. Which is totally not threatening at all. Especially since he is a cop and has mad skillz and I might be able to break a my own nail if I try really, really hard to be a pretend bad ass.

So I cried and screamed and got mad at him for not showing any emotions, or for seemingly not having any emotions and divuldged the fact that I feel like a gigantic loser because I can't do the one thing this stupid under-perfoming body was meant to do (I say that lovingly, sort of, to my body. It's just that it's failed me so many times since I was little that I have very little faith left in it to do what it is supposed to). Not only was being an infertile making me sad and pathetic, but the fact that I have never FINISHED anything I have started in my life was making me feel pathetic. And I mean it. I have never. Ever. finished anything I've started. Even my stupid hall closet door is still in the garage because it's been too "cold" to paint for months.

And really, I feel bad for Mr. Sparky in all of this. It was his poor little head that had to figure out what I wanted. I told him how I felt, I told him what I needed. And then he made the biggest mistake ever. He proceeded to do what I had just told him I needed him to do. And that sent me over the cliff. He must have been so confused! But really, after 3+ years of marriage he should know by now that it doesn't count if you do right after you've been told to do it! Every man should know this. It should be law.

So he let me cry and pretend to hit him (just lashing out my frustrations, I would never hurt him) and we came to an understanding that even though we have decided to take a break, it doesn't mean my emotions automatically take a break too. And sometimes I'm not going to be able to control my emotions, especially when hearing that yes, someone else is pregnant. We also decided that I should go back to school. Even if somehow we have a child before I graduate, I will finish my degree and feel like I have accomplished something. I think that is important for my sanity and mental health and well being at this stage in the game.

I'm also thinking of switching jobs. It's not that I don't like my job, it's just that I get bored after a while (being a secretary will do that to some people) and I really think the law that is practiced here is BORING. I've always wanted to help people, somehow in the medical field (I've always wanted to teach, but I cannot teach in AZ - no way) and I thought about being anurse. But I cannot be a nurse. I feel faint when I cut my own finger, there is no way I will be able to stomach some of the stuff in a hospital. So I've been thinking about being a dental hygienist. I can get my degree on-line, and I know the wife of a very prominent dentist in the area (plus her dad is one too) so I will give her a call and see where it goes. Plus they have great hours and I can more than double what I'm making now. Definite bonus.

I just want to accomplish something in my life and I"m tired of putting everything off because I"m waiting for a baby. I might as well live my life and enjoy it while we're waiting.

Also, for any of you praying folks out there - please pray for our friends' family. Her brother, sister-in-law and nephew were in a horrible car accident on Sunday in Colorado. The baby died Monday morning, the wife is in serious condition (she had surgery today to stablilze her neck and back - still unconcious, doens't know about her son) and the husband is in the ICU. He's been concious this whole time and is blaming himself for the accident. It wasnt' his fault, but I can only imagine a father's/husband's guilt. Here's a link to the latest post -

I know the family will appreciate all the thoughts and prayers. It's a really hard time right now.

P.S. - Blogger does not want my spell check to work today, so I'm afraid I may look like a complete ass as far as gramar and spelling go. Also, I appologize for my langauge. Apparently I have become a drunking sailor over lunch.