Friday, March 27, 2009

Week 1

Let's pretend today is Thursday.

Last Weeks #'s This Weeks #'s Total Loss
Weight - 187.2 Weight - 183.4 3.8
Left Arm - 13.5" Left Arm - 13" 0.5
Right Arm - 14" Right Arm - 13.5" 0.5
Chest - 37" Chest - 36" 1.0
Waist - 40" Waist - 39" 1.0
Hips - 46" Hips - 45" 1.0
Left Thigh - 27" Left Thigh - 26.25" 0.75
Right Thigh - 27" Right Thigh - 25.75" 1.25
Left Calf - 17" Left Calf - 16" 1.0
Right Calf - 16.5" Right Calf - 15.5" 1.0

3.8 pounds and 8 inches lost! I am very excited about this progress. I know it will slow down once the initial Phase 1 is over, but this is very motivating. And I haven't started exercising yet either, so hopefully that will help rev up my metabolism too.

There will be no picture this week. I know you are saddened by this, but we have been super busy the past two nights.

I am particulalry proud of Mr. Sparky's birthday present which I will post about at a later date when my brain isn't mush. We didn't get home until 12:30 this morning from friends house. Have you ever played App,les to App,les? So very fun.

* I can't get the numbers to line up right and I"ve tried three times. I give up.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Agency Frustrations

It's been seven weeks since our match fell through. And truly I haven't thought about it. Much. Every now and then I drive past their house and hope to catch a glimpse of her and her belly. Just to make sure she's doing ok, we still care for her. Especially since things are very tough financially for them and we want to make sure this baby and her are healthy.** Then there are other times where we're out and about and I'm terrified we'll run into her. Yesterday Mr. Sparky and I were running errands and this car past us. "I wonder if that's ..." he said. And I immediately replied that no, it wasn't. But my heart was in my throat just the same.

We still aren't mad at the parents, how could we be. At first we thought they were doing what was best for both of them, and we were ok with that. I've since learned that the ex-boyfriend is playing puppeteer and that makes me angry. Not because this baby isn't going to be our baby, but because he is making decisions for M's life that might not be best for her, or the baby. All because of what he wants.

I came upon this information because I talked to the local pregnancy worker on Tuesday. I ended up speaking with her because I was trying to get in touch with our case worker. The one who promised us seven weeks ago that she handles her clients differently, that she is in contact frequently with them and that she would call us in a few weeks. Seven weeks ago.

As it turns out, the only number I have for our case worker is the pregnancy workers number. It also turns out that our caseworker had MAJOR surgery three weeks ago and our agency decided it wasn't a big enough deal to contact her clients and let them know who their interim contact would be while she was out. It also wasn't a big enough deal for our case worker to call us herself. And they don't know when she will be back to work.

To say I am upset would be an understatement. I spoke with the pregnancy worker (whom we have a good relationship with) and told her my frustrations. She then went on to make excuses saying there hadn't been many birth mothers coming into the agency. She also told us not to get our hearts set on M's baby, which, hello! We've been through that already and moved on. I told her we weren't mad we don't have a child yet, that's out of their control. What we are angry about is the lack of communication, in any form. I told her we are paying them a ton of money for services we feel they are not providing. I also told her we received better service from the pound when we adopted our dog, and he only cost us $90.00. This kid is costing us $15-20,000.00.

I don't think she appreciated that last comment.

We have done a lot of praying and talking and have made a decision. We are going to stay with this agency (and let our grievances be known, again.) because we have already given them $2500.00 which is not refundable. We are also looking into a different agency. We figure it can't hurt to have our feet in two pools, twice the coverage, right (and twice the headache)? So on April 14 I will drive to Phoenix (because they do NOT give information out over the phone or in the mail) to attend a two hour orientation meeting for the new agency. Did I mention it's on a Tuesday at 6:00p.m., in downtown Phoenix, and Mr. Sparky has to work? I will leave work early (3:30) and drive straight down(I don't want to chance getting stuck in rush hour traffic and the ONLY way down is under major construction, why couldn't A.DOT widen the 17 before now?) go to a meeting in scary Phx alone, attend the meeting which lasts until 8:00p.m. and then drive the 2 hours back, by myself.

I hate driving at night. Especially up "the hill". I have horrible night vision.

I've been a little on edge lately. Feeling like our agency is too busy for us, what with the downsizing and whatnot. I get that money is tight in this economy. I also get that people have health issues that need attention. What I don't get is how an agency, who is dependant on their clients (that's US) for the majority of their income, can't find an hour or two in a day to call all of our caseworkers clients and inform them she would be out. She doesn't have more than ten. I'm pretty sure I could have done that in less than two hours. We would have understood that, what with a phone call and all. But no, they don't have the courtesy to call us. SHE doesn't have the courtesy to call us.

Most days I spend the 25 minute drive home on the verge of tears. So frustrated at the situation, thinking are we really meant to be parents? God has led us here on this path and right now I feel abandoned. Which I know isn't true because he promises us in Deuteronomy 31:8 - "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." He tells me this right here. Yet my human self cannot seem to grasp that at the moment.

I will continue praying about this, because it is all I can do anymore, and hopefully when His timing is right He will show us His plan. Until then, the waiting sucks.

I also cheated yesterday. I was picking up my friends kids and the four year old runs up to me, "Nessa!! I brought this cookie JUST.FOR.YOU." How do you say no to a four year old? I ate the cookie. I also weighted myself, which I wasn't going to do until Thursday, but I was too curious. I've lost three pounds! I just hope the cookie didn't de-rail all the hard work!

** After I wrote this, it sounds like we are still holding out hope for this child. Which we are not. We got to know M a little bit, and how could you not care about someone in a position which you would never envy? Knowing it is a battle to put food on the table makes our hearts bleed for her and her baby.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Hot by When??

I got all excited when Maggie unveiled her Hot By Thirty. I was so getting on that band wagon, especially since she ditched me a WEEK into our Weight Loss extravaganza because she got pregnant. Whatever.

Three days later I fell off, and hard.

I am a great starter of all things weight loss. I have every possible work out video, tried every possible diet (except Atk.ins, I just cannot eat all that meat) and yet I am still over weight. And I always have been, except for the day I was born. A beautiful 6 lbs 7 ounces. The last time I ever weighed what the doctors said I should.**

I have been successful several times at losing large amounts of weight, between 35 and 40 pounds. The problem? I wasn't trying. My freshman year of college I weighed 170 and by spring break I had lost 30 pounds. Home sickness, horrible campus food (the only thing I could eat for months without getting sick was red.vines), and the actual SICKNESS that lasted for six weeks and landed me in the hospital.

Of course, I went through a very traumatic period in life shortly after my freshman year and the binge eating ramped up again in force ( I had pretty much dealt with that issue before leaving for school). Then I decided that drinking my feelings away was a much easier solution and put on 60 pounds in two years. And I lost that again after leaving the restaurant world for retail. Much less food around and always moving. Plus the sticks I worked with was a little bit of motivation too.

Plus the stress of planning a wedding, remodeling our home(which was TWO HOURS away from where I was living at the time) and again, SICK! So it melted right off without me having to really work at it.
Guess what happened after I got married. That's right! I gained 40 pounds in three months. I went from a very healthy (and only 12 pounds from my goal weight) 157 to a VERY unhealthy ...ahem...200. Wow. That's a lot of weight on a 5'6 frame, big boned or not.

In the last few years I've managed to lose and keep off about 15 pounds, give or take a few. And while every time I get on a weight loss kick, with good intentions of course, I don't know how to go about it. Since I've never taken the time to plan things out and just jump right in I always fail. But I'm tired of failing and I'm tired of having so much junk in my trunk.

I had been seriously looking into S. Beach, which of course I have done many times, never getting past the first week (FAIL!) and really making plans (hello Couch to 5K) and revving up my engines to get motivated. Then the phone call came (No, not THAT phone call, I wish).

My best friend is getting married in June or July (of this YEAR!) and I am in the wedding. In Phx, in the summer, in more than likely a strapless dress (bat wings anyone?). So the plan got into full gear and yesterday I started S. Beach.

Since I'm not very good at this weight loss thing and I either have to tell NO ONE or be as open as possible, I am choosing the latter. I am going to be open and honest and YOU PEOPLE are the lucky recipients of my openness. I apologize. Wednesday night I did my measurements and had Mr. Sparky take pictures, which I'm going to do EVERY Thursday, whether I want to or not.

Here you go:
Weight - 187.2
Left Arm - 13.5"
Right Arm - 14"
Chest - 38" (without the boobs of course, I don't think my tapemeasure is that big)
Waist - 40" (at the smallest part! where my actual waist is,. The rest? not so pretty)
Hips - 46"
Left Thigh - 27" (do you know that some people have waists this small???)
Right Thigh - 27"
Left Calf - 17"
Right Calf - 16.5"

Now for the picture. I was going to go all Bi.ggest L.oser but then I looked in the mirror and thought people might read this and then vomit. I wouldn't want to be responsible for vomit, I am NOT that kind of girl. DISCLAIMER - This was NOT how I envisioned my internet debut. I am saddened by this.

My head looks extremely small, I think it is the angle, Mr. Sparky was sitting on the couch looking up.

** as an aside, I think all those doctor charts for weight are a bunch of crap and they can kiss by overweight behind. I'm 5'6 , big boned(for real, not just because I"m fat) and they want me to weigh 125. Yeah right.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009


Friends of ours need some collective prayer, so I am calling on all the praying people who read this.

I don't know if I've mentioned these friends of ours here before or not, but they have a beautiful little girl (16 months) who has a terrible disease (it begins with Eos and I cannot remember after that) where her body thinks all food(except water) is attacking her, so it attacks the food. This makes her completely unable to eat anything. She is on special formula that smells like gasoline and is fed through an NG tube. Luckily she is covered by the state medical care so they do not have to worry about her medical expenses. Which are astronomical.

She has five doctors appointments each month, two of them are in Phx at the children's hospital where she undergoes a biopsy of her intestine to determine how things are going, imagine a pint sized colonoscopy. Very disturbing.

And her parents are amazing. They are strong (not yet believers but working that way every day) people who are amazing and put their lives to the side so they can completely focus on their little girl. I know you do what you have to when your child is sick, but these people have an attitude that I have never seen. Nothing gets them down.

Yesterday we found out the dad lost his job. And the mom has to stay at home with the daughter because she can't be left at a day care, it's too dangerous. They just moved into a new home, one that is clean and safe since their last one wasn't. We live in a VERY small town and jobs are very difficult to come by.

Please, please pray for this family. It breaks my heart that they are having to go through all of this.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Interview Questions 1.0

Awhile ago Maggie was interviewed for her blog and she decided to do some interviewing herself. Here are her questions.

1. How did you meet your husband? (I am asking everyone this question. I am nosy.) I used to work at Needless Markup. I worked with a woman who thought I should meet her son. He lived in Podunk and I lived in Phoenix so I thought if it went bad I would never have to see him again, so why not. Plus it had been a REALLY long time since I had been on a date and thought it couldn't hurt. Our first date wasn't really a date, it was more of a group thing - the woman I worked with, her boyfriend, another co-worker, myself and the mystery date.

The second I rang the doorbell the door opened and there was Mr. Sparky, tall, blond, blue eyed. Totally NOT my type. He tried to say something, but my co-worker whisked me away before I could even tell him my name!** We were holed up in his mother's bedroom so she could finish getting ready. Now mind you, this is the first time I had ever been to this woman's house, let alone done anything with her outside of work. It was a bit...awkward. Especially since there was a man in the living room with whom I was supposed to be having a date with, and I hadn't even been able to say hello!

Finally we were ready to leave for our destination. BOWLING. Now, I normally would have thought a first date of bowling weird, but since this was a "group" date and not a "normal" date, I thought it would be fun. And it was. Except I had more of a date with my co-worker than with Mr. Sparky. He was very shy, and maybe only said five words the first hour or so. So we ate, bowled and had a few beers. Everything was going fine until Mr. Sparky went to bowl. He got everything all lined up and went to throw the ball and something happened. To tell you the truth, I'm not really sure what happened. All I know is that one minute he was walking toward the lane and the next he was completely in the air, bowling ball flying across someone elses lane!

Mr. Sparky was mortified! And all I could do was laugh. Some first date huh? We ended the night and I gave him my number because I felt he really hadn't had a fair shot at a good first impression. I thought the worst that could happen was that I made a new friend and that another date couldn't be as bad as the first.

And I was right. Six weeks after our second date we were engaged and 10 months and two weeks after we met, we were married. That was four and half years ago. I would say it turned out to be a very successful date!

** He had tried to say something but nothing really came out. A few months later he finally admitted to me he was so struck by my beauty he couldn't get his mouth to work right! I was a total puddle of goo after he told me that!

2. What are you worries or, maybe, what do you think the challenges will be about parenting a biracial child? We are in kind of sort of similar boats and I'm always wondering what other people are thinking in this regard. I will answer this question another time as it will require an entire post all on it's own.

3. Does Mr. Sparky drive a Cop Car? Have you ridden in it? Did you get to turn on the sirens? DO TELL. Yes, Mr. Sparky does drive a cop car. He has a 2008 Tahoe that he gets to park in our driveway. It's quite the deterrent to people who want to break into the house. I have gone on a ride-a-long with him and yes, I have gotten to turn the lights and sirens on. I have also gone 110 down a busy highway during rush hour while people refuse to get out of the way. VERY SCARY.


He also let me use his radar gun and I got to witness him give a ticket to the person that I caught going 50 in a 25. It was awesome.

4. I'm always curious about everyone's introduction to the internet. How did you get started? What blogs did you read first? I randomly came across Julie in 2005, a few months before we started trying to get pregnant. I don't know how I got there but I read her entire blog in about a week. From there I found Arwen and Maggie, and tons of other amazingly funny and talented women. I got to know their stories and I cried with them and agonized with them and rejoiced with them. Then I decided to start my own. I can't believe it will be two years this summer.

5. You turned 29 not too long ago. When you hit 30 will you say your 20s were well spent? I would like to say that yes, they were, but I don't know if that will be the case. My 20s have been rife with horrible struggles, most I've written about, a few of the more personal ones I haven't. I feel a mixture of emotions when I think about my 20s. I found my husband and I've made some of the best friends I will ever have, most I will keep for life. But it seems the bad outweigh the good and I don't know how to come to grips with that.

I know that is how my life is and there is nothing I can do to change the past. I have a lot of pent up anger about our infertility and our adoption journey. I have a lot of anger that I have a disease that has no cure and that the "treatments" don't seem to work for me. But through all those bad things, there has come an immeasurable strength that I would have never achieved without all the heartache and frustrations. Maybe I will be able to answer this question better in a few years, when I can look back at my 20s and some of the wounds aren't so fresh. Good question Maggie. I hadn't really thought about how to answer until I started writing. It's a good introspective question.

So that's it for now. I'll tackle question 2 sometime soon. But for now I have a dirty kitchen and a husband who needs to wake up. I think I'll take my time enjoying the husband, the kitchen can wait.