Thursday, December 20, 2007

Good Things

I just had my year review - a $1.00 an hour raise!

Couldn't have come at a better time. It's also retroactive - going back to 10/23/07!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Christmas Traditions Part One

I was reading Maggie's blog and she was talking about traditions and instead of leaving a nice little comment over there, I think I managed to knock out my own post. So I thought since things here have been bleak lately, I would talk about my Christmas Traditions as a child. This is after all my favorite holiday, second only to my birthday (which is in 25 days, shameless plug, I know. But I'm going to be 28!), and everything about it makes me bubble inside. I love the lights and the sounds and most importantly the smells! Oh the smells! And egg nog. With lots of brandy. Yummmm.

This Christmas things aren't done to the hilt at our house. We didn't get a tree because of the puppy. I don't think it would last more than a few minutes to be honest and who wants to spend all that money and time on something that will get pooped out in the end? Not I says the cat. We also didn't get very many decorations up outside. In fact, I just the other day took down the scare crow and flowers from fall that were on our front porch. We did manage (and by we I mean me) to get some garland with lights hung over our outside living room window and some lighted nets on a bush out front. But I never did figure out how to get the bush to light, so.yeah. It's kind of sad at our house. Maybe next year we will have an all decked out Christmas. It was hard with Mr. Sparky and the academy to get anything done around the house at all.

I can remember Christmas time at my house growing up as a special time. A time of magic and wonderment and awe that a little baby who was born in a manger was the one who would change my life. The day after Thanksgiving my parents would hall out the bajillionty boxes of Christmas stuff from the garage (no attics in AZ) and plop it in the middle of the living room. As my mom would start to unpack everything I would sit there and take in the smell of pine and evergreen(even if was kind of a dusty smell) and marvel at all the little trinkets and ornaments like I had never laid eyes on them year after year.

Once my brother's were out of the house (they are 11 and 13 years older than I so that happened while I was still fairly young) we would have a tree decorating night and travel around to everyone's house putting ornaments on the trees. We always started at my brother's house and worked our way through my aunt and uncle's and then to the grand finally at my parents where there would be hot spiced cider and egg nog with brandy along with some treats we had baked earlier that day. There was only one rule - you had to have the lights and garland(if that's your thing) on the tree before everyone got there. Then we would come and hang the ornaments. It was a wonderful time, even if we only did it for a few years. Some how helping everyone in our family decorate for Christmas made it that much more special. There was always some story that would be told about the year before when someone would do something goofy, either because they just ARE goofy or there was too much brandy involved!

Christmas Eve would come and we would all dress in our best and I would sit in the bathroom and watch my dad get ready. It fascinated me to watch him shave and get ready for a special night. And he would always let me put the finishing touches on him - his foo foo dust (it was really cologne, but to a little girl it was magic), which was gently patted onto his face and then somehow I always ended up getting tickled after that. Not too sure how that happened, but again, with magic anything can happen. Then he would take his watch and rings from his chest on his dresser and let me help put them on. That chest was magic, it held all sorts of interesting things that I coveted - his pocket knife, his money clip with the turquoise stones on it, a book of matches, some mints still in the wrapper. If I was lucky, I might have even gotten a few coins out of it.

My dad and I would inevitably be waiting for my mom to finish getting ready, watching It's a Wonderful L*fe in black in white while we waited or singing Christmas carols with the radio. My mom would pop out at the top of the stairs, always looking like she had just stepped out of a beauty pageant. Hair, make-up and nails done to perfection, dressed up so beautifully, and never failing - always putting on the last earring as she walked down the stairs. That moment was always worth the wait.

Everyone would show up at my parent's house, dressed in their best, dropping presents under the tree and taking a quick taste of mom's clam chowder that was simmering on the stove before they got caught. After piling into the cars we would make our way to church, the anticipation of O Holy Night and the Christmas story being read could be felt throughout, never dwindling. And my favorite part - they would dim the lights and one by one every being in the church would have their candle lit and the glow was surreal. I would close my eyes and listen to the voices singing praise to the new born king and wondering what it would have been like, that first Christmas so many years ago.

Things are different now. We've all gotten married, started our own families and traditions, and some have moved away. Yet, these memories will always bring a smile to my face and a lump to my throat. In fact, tears are accompanying this post. Remembering what it was like as a child with the magic and anticipation, waiting for what felt like months between the first day of winter break and Christmas Eve. I miss that feeling, but somehow, putting everything on "paper" makes it all very real again.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

MIL Stories and Other Such Nonesense

First of all it snowed over the weekend and has been bitterly cold here. I love it! Unfortunately the snow didn't stick in town, but the mountains are all covered and it is so pretty. We might even get a white Christmas!

Ok, now that I got that out of my system, let us move on to more interesting topics. My MIL. I'm sure that I have mentioned my feelings for my MIL once or twice on this here blog of mine. However, if I haven't made it too clear in the past, I will detail it out right this very moment. I know you all are sitting on the edge of your seats, waiting with baited breath to hear about the evilness (or stupidity as I like to call it) that is my mother-in-law.

Mr. Sparky's graduation was the second most important day for him in his entire life. Of course marrying me was the most important day of his life as I changed his world upside down, but that is neither here nor there. Ahh, there could not be two people on this planet that are more different than he and I. It's weird how that works out. But I digress (as you can tell I get side tracked really easily. You have no idea how many projects I have at home waiting to be finished because something caught my attention. More than likely it was shiny or smelled good or involved a nap.) and must get on with the story of my MIL.

Like I said, his graduation from the police academy, which is the hardest thing he will ever have to go through, was really important for him. It was an epic struggle of mental, physical and emotional crap I have never seen the likes of, nor do I ever want to again. And that was just the stuff I went through! We made sure all week that she had the correct directions, she could get lost on a cul-de-sac people, and double checked to make sure she new what time, yadda yadda yadda. My parents drove up Thursday night so they wouldn't have to drive up from Phoenix really early on Friday (cuz my parents are smart). My MIL had to work late - like 9:30 late and the grandparents will not drive/ride on a road at night- so they (her, her fiance(whole other story sometime, I don't think the internets can handle Mr. Cowboy) and her parents who drove up from Tucson Thursday) were going to leave Phoenix at 7:00 am to get to the graduation by 10:00. She lives on the South East side of town and to get to us you have to get to the North West side of town. Normally it takes us and hour and a half max to get from us to her, with traffic(95 miles from us to them). They didn't want to wait in rush hour traffic so they decided to go up the East side of the state and cut over. Which adds an EXTRA hour and a half to the drive( and like and extra 100 miles).

Lets do a word problem (hate, hate, hate word problems. If this train left at this time and this train left at this time, BOOM!! they would smack into each other at what time?hate, hate, hate). A car carrying a load of intellectually challenged people left point A at 7:00 am to reach point B at 10:00 am. It is very IMPORTANT to be at point B ON TIME. It usually takes 1.5-2 hours to reach point B from point A. Now, the driver of the car carrying the intellectually challenged people (Mr. Cowboy to be exact) decided that they shouldn't drive through town to get to point B. He decided (and MIL agreed) that they should go up the East side of the state (which is a two-lane highway the whole frickin' way up so if a car as much as puts on a turn signal traffic backs up nine bajillionty miles) and cut ACROSS the state to make it to point B. Supposedly on time.

Ok, my patience with the word problem has ended and I will just continue this sad sad story on my own without the help of visual aids. At 7:15 am my MIL calls the house to say they are leaving. Late. Of course. Mr. Sparky has already gotten dressed and left for command inspection by this time. So I say ok we'll see you a little before ten. Remember, it is only an 1.5-2(max) hour drive from her house to ours. My parents and I left our house at 8:15 to get coffee and so I could be there by nine to take pictures of the formations and yadda yadda yadda. I call MIL on my way there to see where she is and she says,

"Hwy 87, does that sound right?"
and I'm all,
"Yeah, you're funny cuz that's on the other side of the state!"
and she says,
"Where just outside of Payson and the traffic is horrible. We'll see you when we get there"
and I'm all,
"WTF????(of course this is in my head, I do not swear in front of my mother, except if I've been drinking) Woman are you kidding?"
and she's all,
"No, Mr. Cowboy and I thought it would be better to go site seeing all the way on the other side of the state on the second most important day of my only son's life to beat the traffic we would have to go through to get to you the normal way which would have been about 1/2 hour shorter than the route we've decided to take" (the site seeing part is totally made up of course, but the idea of what she said is true)
and I'm all,

So in between the yelling at the phone and trying not to cry because I am so mad, my level headed mom says we should pray. And I do. It went a little something like this:

"Dear Lord, please strike that woman down dead."

And my dad laughed and my mom kind of scolded me, but I think He got the picture and I thought it was VERY appropriate for the situation. And really, in the back of her head that is EXACTLY what my mom was thinking too. Cuz she rocks and doesn't get anything that MIL does.

Now, I should preface that this day was the worst weather day the state had seen in like 150 years. It was raining so hard all over that I could barely see out the car window. It was snowing where the car full of intellectually challenged people were, and there was construction too. Hmm, don't you think it would have been a smart idea to check the road conditions before you decided to take a short cut that added an extra hour (on a two lane hwy the whole time)!

My parents dropped me off at the college(where the ceremony was being held) and went to breakfast while I took pictures of my amazing husband and his crew. I wasn't going to tell Mr. Sparky about the stupidness that is his family, but decided I better if he looked out and didn't see them. I didn't want him worrying they had been delayed or worse because of the weather. It was much better to let him know they are complete morons (which he already knows, it wasn't something new I was pointing out, so no gasps at how mean I am). He took it well and said, F*^% it, that is my mom for you. My parents got there and we got some great shots of our family before the ceremony (by family I mean us and my parents - the normal family).

The ceremony was about to start and still no sign of them. I called her cell and asked where she was and this is how that conversation went:

me - "Where are you now? It's about to start."
her - "We're in a cloud somewhere."
and her call is dropped.

So that could have been anywhere in the whole DAMN STATE! I need a break, writing this out is making my blood pressure rise. Plus I should be doing some work. I'll be back.

Ok, I'm back. Lunch was good, pizza and breadsticks. Yummmmm. But where were we? Ah yes.. the cloud conversation.

We all headed into the performance hall and sat down waiting for the ceremony to start. It was scheduled to be a 2 hour ceremony what with awards and the swearing in of 29 officers and the handing out of certifications and whatnot. The whole time I kept thinking she was going to miss everything and then I was going to have to hurt her. I don't think I have ever been so mad at anyone in my life. And I wasn't mad at her for me, I was mad at her for Mr. Sparky which I think makes it 100 times worse, no? They started the class video which was kick butt good and half way through my dad said he would go wait outside for them so they would know where we were sitting. This is why I love my parents. They sacrifice something they so truly wanted to see so that the idiots would know where we were sitting because he knows how much I wanted to be there to see it. Love, love, love my parents.

at 10:45 I finally see them walk into the auditorium. I couldn't even look at them I was so mad. In fact I sat there for the rest of the time grateful my parents were in between us because I would have hit her. When we got ready to pin (where you put the badge on the uniform) Mr. Sparky instead of walking the short 5 spaces past my in-laws to get to the right place, I walked ALL THE WAY AROUND THE AUDITORIUM (hmmm, I just realized that this is exactly what they did. Perhaps I wanted to site see a little, hmp) just so I wouldn't have to see them. By the time they got out we were done with the pinning and I only had the opportunity to take one, ONE picture with Mr. Sparky and his family after his swearing in. And it was a crappy picture too. Oh well. I'm sure I'll hear about it later, but if you could get there on time you would have better pictures of you and your son on his second most important day, moron. Then his grandmother (whom I love dearly but is a little batty) said and I quote, "We need to go eat now because your mom has to get back to work right away!"

Oh how the blood does boil. Needless to say, Mr. Sparky graduated and the people he cares about most were there to see it (thank goodness she didn't miss his swearing in, there would definitely have been murder afoot then) and that is the most important thing.

Can I just say, I'm very glad that Mr. Sparky is adopted and there is absolutely no chance that we will ever pass any of that crap on to our kids? Praise the Lord. And that concludes the latest story of my MIL. I hope you enjoyed it, but stay tuned, I'm sure there will be many more to come.

Monday, December 10, 2007

A post that is better than nothing at all

I have so much to say about the graduation and the weekend, but cannot write anything that doesn't sound ridiculously bitter. It was a great time with a few exceptions from his mother and the weather. Stuff I would love to get out, but I'm afraid the ending to our wonderful, relaxing weekend was not good. The couple that leads our small group announced they are pregnant last night. They have 27 month little boy and an 8 month little girl. Bitter doesn't really even begin to cover it.

I don't want to be bitter, I'm happy for them. I 'm just really mad that it isn't us. I think I'm past the sad stage. Nothing makes me sad anymore, just really, really angry. And I'm tired of sounding like a depressing git. I want to be happy, to share the happy thoughts and feelings I am having right now. All that wants to come out however is the anger. So, a few good things that maybe won't sound too bad.

Mr. Sparky graduated and I was there to support him in that.
We are doing TONS better in regards to our relationship.
I am going to make a boat load of cookies this weekend.
Our concrete is being removed by a friend for only $400!!!! (the people we bought the house from put in concrete flower beds the are 12" deep (of concrete!!) and 6" wide (of concrete!!!) and it has re bar in it. Morons. Other people quoted us $2500 to remove it)
I met some really cool wives at the graduation party.

Hopefully more when I am not so openly bitter because I have some serious MIL stories that would just knock your socks off!

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Proud Wife

Tomorrow Mr. Sparky graduates from the police academy. I have never been more proud of him than I am right now. He has worked so hard, put so much stress on his body, and stretched his comfort levels beyond belief. He has passed every test with a B or higher, he has improved his physical condition, raising his stamina to unbelievable heights. I could burst right this very second.

This has been a long time coming. Not just the 16 weeks of the academy, but since he was little. The only career he has ever talked about (since he was 3) has been law enforcement. He used to go around at family functions arresting people and hauling them off to "jail". He has never once wavered in his determination to realize his dream. I am so excited for him. I do not know too many people who really know what they want and go out and accomplish it. It has taken him a while to get here, he's almost 31. He spent 8 1/2 years in the jail, moving his way through different departments, working his way up to Sgt., and now, finally moving to the patrol side of the Sheriff's Office.

Tonight we have his graduation party where all 29 recruits can let their hair down, have a good time and relax before jumping into their new positions (some have to report Friday night after the graduation). My parents are coming up, his mom and her fiance and her parents are driving up. All the people that have supported him through his career are going to be there, watching as he is sworn in as an officer. I could just burst (I think I said that already, but I really could!).

Mr. Sparky - I love you and am so proud of you. You have accomplished something many people cannot, and you are my hero. You have always been faithful to yourself and your dreams and I admire that in you. Even though not every day is perfect between us, you are the best husband and I couldn't have asked God for a better one. Thank you for choosing to make the sacrifice of a "normal" life so that other's can be safe and protected. So that your family can be safe and protected. I love you with all me heart.


Friday, November 30, 2007

God's Tears

It is raining.
It is beautiful and cold.
I cannot remember the last time it rained.
Thank you Lord for the rain, we need it badly.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Croquet and Alcohol - the two do not mix

I kept reading and re-reading my blog this morning wondering where the sorrowful post I put up yesterday had gone. Then it dawned on me that I started a post, never finished it and then commented on Mel's. I literally spent a few hours wondering what had happened to it.

So, Thanksgiving day and the greater part of Friday were great, the rest of the weekend left little to desire. I love our family, my side that is. We are warm and loving and can handle our alcohol without getting ridiculously stupid. Plus my brother C and I play a wicked game of croquet.* We ate all the requisite T-day food and drank wonderful concoctions of Cranberry vodka and 7-up and had the BEST whipped cream ever. My dad's boss and his family came and he made the best whipped cream - cream, Kahlua, nutmeg, Cinnamon - yummmmmm.

We were back to my parents house by 6:30 and all of us( us, my parents and my kick-butt auntie and uncle I never get to see) were trying to figure out how much longer we had to stay awake. What a sad bunch. Friday my mom and aunt and I spent the morning shopping (it was my first Black Friday as a shopper and it wasn't too bad. We only had to leave one store because it was a zoo), had lunch with my SIL and headed back to my parents house where the boys were up to no good. They had stopped at BevMo! (! was not my idea, it's in the name) and bought a bunch of cordials. When I opened the front door all I could smell was booze! It was hysterical.

My MIL had Friday off, but being in retail and it being very SLOW for her right now, she thought she might have to go in. She was going to call us to let us know what the plan was. So it's three o'clock and we still haven't heard from her. Mr. Sparky called her and she asked where we had been! She had been waiting for us most of the afternoon!! So a few deep breaths and a shot of Strawberry Pucker and we were off for a night full of drunken MIL's, weird fiance's (her's) and some very jet lagged gay men. It was interesting. Let's just say all we did the whole time we were there (besides me partaking of some adult beverages) was clean and work. That's all we ever do over there. But I digress. All in all a good time was had and we left by 8:30.

That evening I got a phone call from our elderly neighbors saying our dogs were out and we needed to come home. I told her we were in Phx and even if we did come home (it takes two hrs to get home) the people watching our dogs would get them. She told me she would call animal control if we didn't get it taken care of. So I told her fine, let me call the neighbors watching the dogs (whom I was told they did not know and did not approve of. what?) and if I couldn't get a hold of them to call Animal Control. I got a hold of the dog watchers and they took care of it. Saturday, we got a call saying the dogs were out again. This time it was from the dog watchers and they were saying our elderly neighbors were standing in their driveway yelling at them saying they were going to call the cops. It's not like we just let our dogs run nilly, or haven't tried to solve the problem of them getting out. We just have really smart dogs.

So Sunday morning finds us not going to church(which we probably really should have) and putting up an electrical fence all the way around our property. It really wasn't that bad, it only took a couple of hours and was really easy. We humans can barely feel anything, but the dogs, oh boy the dogs, they can feel it quite well. Personally I think they are being wussies. It was a little heartbreaking the first time Jax saw two little girls walking by and jumped up on the fence. He cried so loud I wanted to cry. But then I got over it and neither dog will go near the fence. Hence they will no longer be getting out of the yard. Unless they learn to fly, then I will need to be put into a padded cell.

So all in all, it really wasn't a bad weekend. A lot has been going on in the home front. Mr. Sparky and I are having a lot of problems, mostly stemming from this stupid academy (He graduates next Friday!!) and some pre-existing issues we both brought to the marriage. So tomorrow night we are meeting with some friends (he's a pastor) to discuss some of the issues going on and hopefully get everything straightened out. I love my husband, but we are in the deepest pit we've ever been in and it's scary. I want to be really happy again, it's just going to take a lot of dedication and work from us both.

I have another post about my mom that I started Tuesday and hopefully will finish it soon. Poor thing has had a very tough couple of weeks.

* I played horribly. It might have been the drinking, by that time I had had quite a few Cranberry vodkas and 7-up's. Usually I am quite the little croquet-er.

Monday, November 26, 2007


Thanksgiving was great but the weekend was not as peaceful and relaxing as I had hoped. Lots of drama on the home front. Pray for us, we're in a really rough spot right now. Mr. Sparky graduated next week, maybe that will help alleviate some of the nastiness going on.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Giving Thanks

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.

I wanted to take a moment to remind myself that I have oh so many things to be thankful for. I know that I take life WAY to seriously right now, so a little reminder that things really aren't that bad. So here are 20 things that make me smile, not necessarily in this order (except for number 1, that's always going to be number 1).

1. God's grace - without this I would truly be in trouble
2. My husband
3. My family, including my mother-in-law (She's got some great jewelry I should be very thankful about!)
4. Knowing that I'm really kidding about the jewelry, but it is a nice bonus
5. My friends
6. My house, that we own
7. The fact that I have a job
8. The fact that I am not dying, no one in my close circle is gravely ill, and my aunt is recovering quite nicely from a knee replacement (you rock Auntie Cecil)
9. Autumn
10. The smell of turkey roasting away in my mother's oven
11. Knowing that whenever I need it I have at least 10 people who will let me cry on their shoulder
12. My husband (I mentioned him already, right?)
13. My curly hair - and the ability to make it straight whenever I want. It truly is the best of both worlds
14. Beef Stroganoff (my all time favorite meal. We never, ever eat this enough. And spell check wants to make it stroking which makes me giggle like a little boy - Beef Stroking, hehe)
15. My dogs
16. I have never had to suffer the immense grief of losing a child. I would much rather be in my position than to ever lose a child
17. Pumpkin. Anything.
18. Sunsets, especially in AZ. I don't care what anyone says - we have the best ones(partly because of the polution, but that's neither here nor there)
19. Warm, fuzzy slippers
20. Zoo lights - if you are from AZ you know what I'm talking about. Although they've gotten kind of chintzy the last couple of years(I used to work there as a costumed character, before they got cheap, it was great. Maybe I'll post a picture of me as a spotted bear or a frog. I miss that job).

Have a wonderful Turkey day and try to remember that through the hurt and the pain that we are dealing with, there is always one thing(if not more) that we have to be grateful about.

*** I feel the need to set this scene for you. I am sitting at home in a wing backed chair watching the fire roar as it snows(ha!) outside while my feet are wrapped in fuzzy warmth and I am sipping a hot tottie while petting my dogs. It makes me kind of weepy. Yes, I am a dork, I know.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Faith part 1

Faith is a funny thing. It's easy to be 100% faithful when things are going well. Things, as you may have noticed, have not been going well. My last post was not cheerful in any way. And I may have even questioned my "amount" (used only because at this moment I cannot think of a better term) of faith. I firmly believe that I cannot lose my salvation (acceptance of Christ as my savior), that no matter what happens I will always be considered His child and be welcomed into heaven when I die (or He comes back, which ever happens first). I do however believe that one's faith can waiver, even become stagnant.

Things have been bleak lately, on all fronts. The wave of emotions on the fertility front have become crippling, exhausting, draining. I don't believe there are enough adjectives to describe the immense feelings that have been ravaging me lately. There have been days where I am a lump, I wish I could say an emotionless lump, but it seems that is not the case. I have always been an emotional woman, more so than the majority of people I know. I tend to cry very easily, even at stupid commercials(while all hormones are at an even keel as well). Everything in my life has been suffering the past few weeks. To be honest it's been months. I could justifiably be fired from my job, which at the moment would not be the worst thing to happen. I love my job, I'm just not in a good frame of mind to be able to cope with it. However, the financial would more than likely be devastating if that were to happen.

Things at home have not been the most harmonious either. We are very blessed in the fact that we do not fight like a lot of couples I know. In fact, if we do have words, voices are very rarely raised and we make sure to not go to bed angry (Ephesians 4:26-27 - In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold). For this I am grateful. I hear so many stories, even from our small group, about some of the fights, and thank God everyday that we handle our differences in a manor that is pleasing to God and healthy for us. With that said, there are other issues we are struggling with. We are not on the same page on so many issues, in fact I think that sometimes we are in completely different books. And these are things we need to work on before God can do any more work on our family. I truly believe that the reason we have not been blessed with a child yet is because we have some serious lessons to learn before we are given the greatest responsibility of raising a child. (I know many will disagree with this point of view, and that is fine. Let's just agree to disagree on this and remain kind).

Mr. Sparky left for Phx yesterday morning before the sun came up. I had no intentions of going to church and I had only gotten about three hours of sleep the night before. When I got home from dropping him off, I took a short nap with the pooches and decided I should go to church. Maybe it would be good for me. So I went, and I sang (admittedly without much passion) and I tried to listen. I even took communion, hoping that the remembrance of what Christ did for me personally would be the nudge I needed to feel anything again. That didn't work. I listened for most of the service, trying to understand how the pastor's words made any correlation to the mess that lives inside of me right now. It's hard, this monster of infertility. It makes even the joyous things, like hearing God's truth spoken to hundreds of people seem like torture. I cannot tell you what the sermon was about, or how it may have affected me. It didn't sink in at all.

And once again I felt so alone. My husband gone, no friends to talk to(by choice) and a feeling of no faith. How could I trust in a God who could make things so hard? How could I want to love someone who made me hurt and cry and be disparaged of ever having the life I want so badly? I went home and laid on the couch all afternoon. I had called the couple who lead our small group and told her I was coming. Knowing that I had made the commitment and would more than likely not back out. And I went. And it was hard. And it was the best thing I could have done.

Friday, November 16, 2007

It tastes like chicken, or in my case, It feels like drowning

So I started a post, or three, the other day and have not been able to finish. I haven't been able to finish a lot of things lately. A lot has been on my mind. Weighing it down, pushing it to the bottom of the pond and I cannot seem to get it off ( I have a HUGE fear of drowning, even when someone on tv has a loss of air for any reason, my chest gets tight. It's scary).

I've been thinking a lot about our next cycles. This next one is off which I've known for ever, Mr. Sparky will be out of town and unless I want a baby with someone else, it's a good break. I thought I would be able to get a head start on the next cycle, I have an appointment with my favorite RN on the 14th, but of course I will be out of town that day and need to reschedule, which also happens to be the weekend we could be doing some baby making. So it looks as if everything will be pushed back to the January cycle.

I could go either way at this point. I have no hope anymore. I know, the name of this blog has become almost meaningless, but I think only for a while. And I don't' mean that in a bad way. Or do I? I'm confused on how I should be feeling. I want a family, but how do we go about that. Treatments or adoption? Wait or pursue? I feel as if I shouldn't try the drugs because I know nothing will happen. I'm very wishy-washy about the topic lately.

And then I wonder, am I questioning my faith in God? Am I all of a sudden no longer trusting that He has a plan for our parenthood? I haven't been to church in a while. I haven't been able to go, or more that I don't want to go. No, that's not true. I do want to go, I just don't feel like I can. Too many babies, too many people who are living the life I want to have so badly. I cannot remember the last time I opened my bible. Which is sad, I know I need to. I need to have that connection, to learn and understand what He has for me, what He wants. I want to turn away, to run and hide and say things aren't fair, stomp my feet and go play by myself. But I know that's not what I should do.

Throughout my life I have done things I know I shouldn't do. And only had it bother me a little. Now though, I know what I should be doing and it bothers me that I can't (or won't) and I don't really seem to care. I know, that doesn't make any sense. I'm not really making sense today, I think it's just a word vomit(I really, really hate that word) of stuff I need to get off my chest. I can't talk to anyone about all of this right now in my real life, so lucky you, you get to hear it all.

I want to be a mom, no question. I feel like time is slipping by, that soon I will wake up and be too old to have kids. This is ridiculous and I know that, it's just where my mind is right now. I find that I am obsessed and a little ambivalent all at the same time. Confusing, no? My poor brain and heart. One minute I feel one way and the next I've jumped ship onto one that isn't' sinking quite as fast. I guess I want to know how to continue, how this journey is going to end. And I would like to know now please. Please?

I want to do everything possible to have a child of our own, but I do not believe that anything will work. Hmmm, quite the conundrum. The infertile mind is so confusing. Good thing my husband can't take a look inside. He'd probably run away in fear.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

NaBloPoMo? What's that?

So, it looks as if I have fallen off the NaBloPoMo wagon. It was to be expected. I have no follow through and this last week has sucked. Big.

I have buried(this word always looks funny to me - like burry not berry) myself into a hole. For some reason I am having a hard time with this latest (and last, thank you Lord!) rash of new babies. My friend A had her baby on Thursday and I have not called her yet. My friends P & J, I have not seen their little girl and she will be a month this week. It's hard, harder than I thought it would be. To see these babies that were conceived so quickly and well after we had started trying. It almost doesn't seem fair.

I talked to my mom yesterday and she asked how I was doing. I told her I was ok, and I lied. I do not like lying to my mom, but sometimes I just don't want to deal with the emotions tied to a conversation. We were talking about adoption and what I said on the last post about it and she said it would be great, think about the children we could rescue. And I stopped dead in my tracks. Rescue. I politely told her that adoption is not about rescuing a child from a bad situation. That that is not the reason people do this, and she quietly said ok.

We will have bible study next week for the first time since little Ava was born and I am not going. Mr. Sparky will not be going since he will be down in Phx for defensive driving and I cannot handle all the babies by myself, without his support. So I must think of an excuse when they call and make it sound believable. They don't understand, they are sympathetic, but do not truly get what it feels like and I am tired of the pity. I tried to type that word three times and each time it came out potty.

We are taking this next cycle off as Mr. Sparky will be gone during prime baby making time. I will make an appointment with my favorite RN and talk about adding Clomid to the mix next time, and bring up an HSG. I had a uterine lap done in April of 2005 and all was clear, but that has been 2.5 years, so I think an HSG would be appropriate. We will be turning our adoption app in the end of January and somehow we will come up with the $1500 for the home study and the classes.

To end on a lighter note - yesterday as I was folding laundry in the living room enjoying my day off, I see a dog running across the street. And then I realize that it is my dog, who should be in the back yard. So off I go running out the front door screaming at the dog and trying not to look too much like a buffoon. I grab him and thank my nice neighbors who tried to corral him and drag his bad butt back to the house. He dug his way out under the gate, I'll show a pic tomorrow, he's quite the Houdini. Good thing the puppy has more sense than Austin. He stayed put.

By the way, how did it get to be Thanksgiving already? Where the heck did this year go?

Thursday, November 8, 2007

My Letter

Infertility was not something on my radar. It was not what I was thinking about while playing house as a little girl. It never crossed my mind the day my husband and I decided we wanted to start a family, in fact I expected us to get pregnant rather quickly. Why not, it had been my dream from the time I was two. Then reality set in and over two years later we are still unable to conceive. And it is devastating.

There are many medical procedures that are available to us to assist in the building of our own biological family, great advances in science. However, none of them are covered by our insurance and we are not in a financial position to pay out of pocket. Therefore, we are left with few options. We have started the least expensive options, basic medications that seem to not be working, and are quickly trying to discuss and analyze our options that lay ahead.

The big debate I seem to hear most days is the higher outcome of multiples. Why are so many couples willing to take that risk? Let me tell you - they do not have coverage for the procedures that can start a family. They have to scrimp and save, sometimes for years in order to afford just ONE shot at having a family. So yes to some, the multiples are worth the risk. If people have mandated coverage for fertility treatments they wouldn't need to take the risk of multiples, placing the mother's and babies lives in jeopardy.

My husband and I are seriously considering adoption. Not because it's easier and not because we have given up all hope of having a biological child of our own. The reality is, our hard earned and saved for money will have a better chance of producing the outcome of a family this way. There are no guarantees through either path. Birth mothers change their minds, IVF doesn't always work. Both are heart breaking and painful, and expensive. If we knew there would be a net to catch us if treatments didn't work, or my well being wouldn't be put in jeopardy because this is the one shot we get, we would try everything possible to have our own biological child. But we cannot be guaranteed that that will not happen, we cannot be assured that it will work and we cannot afford to take those chances. Who would it benefit if we lost house and home while trying to start a family because we had no coverage?

Wednesday, November 7, 2007


Just a few minutes ago I was thinking of calling our church to see if they have an adoption ministry. I hadn't been thinking much about adoption in the last few weeks and all of a sudden the thought popped into my mind.

Not five minutes later the woman who worked for the adoption agency we would go through stopped in the office to drop off some info for a client and asked if I go to the Heights (which we do). And she started to tell me how they were getting ready to start an adoption ministry with counseling for infertility, fostering and adoption. My eyes started to tear up and I can only think that God wants us to walk down that path. Every time I have met with Cindy (from the adoption agency) it has been totally by accident and she has had the information that I was literally JUST thinking about.

I'm just stunned at God's weird ways of working in our lives. It's truly amazing! Now we just have a lot of praying to do and see where the path will take us. Wow, I'm really just in shock.

We've Been Outted, well actually ...

I outed us to my mother-in-law. We have not told Mr. Sparky's mom about any of our fertility issues. It's not that we don't want her to know, it's just easier that way. We were both afraid that she would constantly ask questions and offer us money, which she really doesn't have right now to be offering, and we just don't want to be in that position. It's not that she isn't generous, she is. She gave us the down payment for our first house (I miss that house something fierce - no back yard to take care of) and doesn't really expect it back. But at the same time, we don't want to take money from her for this reason. It's hard and complicated, but that is the nature of the creature known as MIL.

So I was over at Mel's yesterday and got really excited about what was going on. Go read, I'll give you a minute.

Done? Ok, good. Can you see why I was so excited? That would apply to us, we do not have coverage for anything above basic medications. So I sent the letter's off to my representatives and wrote an e-mail to everyone I could think of explaining everything and why it is so important. Of course, I added Mr. Sparky's mom and his grandparents to the list. So by the time I got home, I was freaking out about it and made him call her. I was afraid she would read the e-mail and get all pissy - she does that frequently.

And you know what? All was good. She wasn't mad we hadn't told her for over two years, and she was genuinely interested in what was going on. It blew my socks off. I made Mr. Sparky tell her since it is HIS mother and all, and he told what we were doing now and how if we need to move on to anything else it wouldn't be covered blah blah blah. Then her and I talked and she asked how I was doing and we moved onto a different topic and it wasn't as bad as I had feared. And I'm glad, because all my internal organs had taken up residence in my throat since about 3:30 yesterday afternoon. And it was quite cramped.

So, I don't' know where this leaves us with her and we will see how good she is at not pestering us about everything. And she is going to send the letters to the reps for AZ as well. Maybe, hopefully, we can get something accomplished. It would be good.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007


That would be the sound of the air gushing out of my hope balloon. It's over, this cycle didn't work. I woke this morning to have all symptoms completely disappear, even my boobs have deflated back to their normal size. I can feel the tell tale signs that AF will show today.

I'm going to call my dr and request to start Clomid next cycle, which will technically be two cycles away since Mr. Sparky will be in Phoenix for defensive driving the entire week I ovulate. Maybe even a post-coital (where they check the amount of live sperm in me after we, you know, have "marital relations"). So, I'm sad. And frustrated. But mostly sad. We'll see how things go. January is coming quickly and we set that as the date to turn in the adoption application. So many mixed feelings and emotions.

Monday, November 5, 2007

The musings of a crazy woman (who wants really, really, badly to be pregnant!) ***Updated

** Not two seconds after I hit the publish button did I realize that the word I clicked on spell check for lightheadedness in 5. was hotheadedness. Which makese no sense. At all. ]

So, I know you all have been dying to know how an infertile woman convinces herself that she is pregnant. At 8dpo. Except now it's really more like 12 dpo and I'm trying really hard not to pee on a stick, or POAS in some circles.

Let's begin.

1. Serious fatigue - needing nap only an hour after I wake up, I have NEVER experienced this before. It could also be the fact that I have been ill since last Sunday and am still trying to get better.

2. Ravenous - the other night I ate the biggest meal and complained about not feeling well afterwards (probably from stuffing myself - dork!) and not a 1/2 hour later I was starving. In fact I just ate lunch and am now starving again. Or it could just be the fact that I like to eat, a lot(which is probably why I am 30 lbs overweight, but that is a sensitive subject, so I won't bring it up)

3. The boobs. Oh dear lordy the boobs! Mr. Sparky has been enamored with them for the last two weeks. They are HUGE. and sore. This must mean there is a baby in there, no? Except for the fact that every month before my period my boobs get big and sore, just not this big or this tender (they are tender under my arm pits and all the way up my chest). But of course I like to imagine things, so it could be all in my head.

4. The cramps. See here is the hard part. I have this bladder thingy which causes me to feel like I have cramps all the time, getting worse before my period. So, it is very hard for me to determine about 3-4 days before the period what are actual period cramps and what's from my IC. Except I don't really feel very pmsish, but again, I have an overactive imagination( and a true love for the comma).

5. The dizziness/hotheadedness. I can't stand up without having a disco ball going off in my eyes. And at church yesterday I to sit down really quickly while we were singing. In fact right now I'm a little lightheaded, but that could be from the ravenous hunger too. Hmmm, no rationalization for this one.

So for the last week Mr. Sparky and I have been walking around the house saying I'm pregnant. I even ventured to tell my friend S at the hockey game Saturday night that I thought I might be. So we wait, until Wednesday, when I can get a blood test because I refuse to pee on a stick! I will not do it! I have some (and by some I mean shreds really. There isn't much left) dignity. In fact, I was at Big L*ts today and didn't buy any. Well, they didn't have any, but had they had some! I would not have succumb.

Oh yeah, did I mention that some of these things can be related to the Prometrium I'm on? No? Silly me.

So Sorry

So sorry there haven't been posts the last two days, I've failed myself. Actually, my computer has been on the fritz and things are crazy buzy here at work, so I will have to wait until lunch to post about how an infirtle can convince herself she's pregnant at 8 dpo. I know you are all sitting on the edge of your seats awaiting that masterpiece.

Friday, November 2, 2007

My Dogs

Since the beginning of this blog I've been saying I will post pictures of a plethora of things and have yet to produce. In my defense we have dial-up at home and I keep forgetting to bring the camera into work. Well, the bosses are away today so I decided to upload some pictures.

Let me introduce you to my dogs:

Austin & Jax

This picture was taken the first day we got Jax, when he was 5 months old. He and Austin are now almost the same size and Jax is 9 months old. Austin is Shepard/Pointer mix and Jax is a Catahoula hound. We adopted this time last year, Happy Birthday Austin!, from the pound after we found out Mr. Sparky was going to the night shift. It has been documented that I do NOT do well by myself at night. No, it is very bad. Luckily that only lasted three weeks.

We toyed around with the idea of getting a second dog for awhile, as in from the time we got Austin until the day BEFORE we got Jax. It just wasn't fair to have Austin all by himself all day long. Actually, before we got Jax, Austin was only home alone all day for two days a week. That's not too bad if you ask me. Finally we decided that it was just going to be too much work for another dog and we didn't need the hassle. We travel down to Phoenix a lot and it's a pain to travel with Austin so I can't imagine what it would have been like with two dogs. Plus it's expensive to board two dogs too.

One sunny Sunday we were running errands after church and walked past P*t's Mart. And wouldn't you know it was Adopt A Pet Day. If I had a picture of two suckers, well maybe just one, it would look a lot like me, in every way shape and form. As we were walking down to T*rget I spotted the cutest thing I have ever seen, as evidenced above (not the best shot, I have more cuteness to follow) and immediately told Mr. Sparky we needed to have him. Someone had abandoned him when he was 5 weeks old on the side of the road. That would be March and March here is cold, very cold. So we did all the necessary things, home visit to make sure the dogs would get along and they could "check out" our house, fill out nineteen thousand reams of paper work and sign over any available organs we could spare.

And Jax came home to live with us. Except his name wasn't Jax at the time, it was Happy Jack. And as Mr. Sparky was telling the puppy to get off of whatever it was he was on, Jack's Off!!!! was yelled and I burst into 12 yr old boy laughter. Good lord that was funny. So we shortened it to Jax, which is much cuter, and do NOT.EVER. say Jax Off!! See - I'm rolling around on the floor as I type this because I am that immature.

So here are some more pictures of the dogs, sometimes I love them and sometimes I want to get rid of them. The puppy, AKA Jax, AKA piggy horse dog (he gallops like a horse and makes piggy noises when he gets excited. Man, that dog is so frickin' cute!) has a habit of crawling under our bed, which when he was a little puppy wasn't that big of a deal, except now that he is a 45 lb puppy he gets stuck and barks until we come and free him. Ahhh, seriously, it's like having kids. I pray the puppy faze is over soon, Austin is two this month and is still rather puppyish himself.

So, pictures of the dogs abound.

I am so cute, how could anyone not fall madly in love with me?

This was the day we brought him home, I really wish he would have stayed this size!

Mom, I didn't do it, I am innocent! I swear!

I wonder what happened in here? Who do you thing it was?

What? I didn't do it!


I was a tad angry when I found this little mess, however, it now pales in comparison to some of the other things these dogs have done.

Please join me tomorrow when I explain how an infertile can convince herself she's pregnant at only 8dpo. It's really quite the talent.

Thursday, November 1, 2007


So it begins, thirty days of posting. As in real posts with content and meaning. We'll see how long the meaning lasts.

Today I will tell you something about me that not a lot of people in my current life know about. I am a musician. Or I should say was. I have played the piano since I was five. I didn't take my first lesson until I was nine, I taught myself in the beginning by playing by ear. I would lay down next to the gigantic 1970's speakers and memorize the music I was hearing then run to the piano and figure it out. For the first year of my lessons, I would make my teacher play the piece first, then I would play it. Always memorizing how it sounds and never actually reading the music. I fooled everyone for the first year until my teacher finally figured out that I was conning everyone. I eventually learned to read music, but now I can no longer play by ear. That is one thing I wishI never lost. It is such a great gift.

I continued with music in elementary school by learning the violin. I can tell you that ALL people in my life were grateful when I switched over to the flute in the sixth grade. I was not a very good violin player.

In junior high I started playing piano for the jazz band and got involved with percussion enjoying both very much. My freshman year of high school, every girl I knew played the flute so in order to get into Varsity band (which is really much cooler than it sounds, really) I decided to learn the bassoon. So I did and became quite good.

My junior year I decided I was tired of playing the piccolo in marching band and wanted to join drum line, where all the really cool people were. I wanted to play the cymbals but the new instructor wanted me to play mallets (marimba, xylophone, vibes, etc). And I loved it. In fact I got really good and by my senior year of high school I was the best in the state.

Then I turned eighteen in January of my senior year and I came down with a horribly serious and incurable case of senioritis. It was so bad I stopped everything, studying - which at that point was a joke since I only had elective classes and didn't need to study to get an A, and all my music lessons. I was taking piano and mallet lessons in order to get a full scholarship to NAU. Needless to say, I blew that. Big time. In fact my mom still brings it up every now and then. She was really mad at me at the time.

I did move on to NAU, without the scholarship (STUPID, STUPID, STUPID) and continued to loose all interest in music whatsoever. I still play the piano a little bit today, I have a beautiful antique upright player piano from 1906 that is my pride and joy. I just do not make the time in my schedule to play, much to my husband's dismay. He loves it when I play.

I know that things happen for a reason, if I had gone to NAU on that scholarship I would have graduated and moved to NY or LA to do what I wanted - movie scores. But instead, and here is the very less glamorous part, I dropped out of school and moved back home. Had this not happened though, I would not have met Mr. Sparky and I wouldn't have the life I do now. I do wonder sometimes what life would have been like. Would I have been successful? Would I have been able to make a career out of it? Would I be making a lot of money? Would I have been happy?

I know that I made the right choice now, even though at the time it was painful for all involved. And the road to this point has not been easy, it's been cluttered with drama and pain and frustration. But I'm happy now, and content with my life (as content as an infertile can be) and know that when God is ready for me to use the talent He gave me, He will let me know.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Progesterone 1, Mr. Sparky - 0

It was bad folks, really bad. The Progester*ne Witch reared it's ugly head on Saturday and took Mr. Sparky down every round. But really, is it necessary to blink that LOUD!!! Of course, I have calmed down and am praying the next seven days go by smoothly.

And I think they will. You see, I've been sick since Sunday. And by sick I mean on the couch, doing nothing but drinking clear fluids and watching too much tv. It's been horrid. Today I am at work and will be leaving shortly. I am too dizzy to do anything important and am not able to sit up straight for too long.

So on the eve of NaBloPoMo, I leave you with a terrified woman who is too afraid of what she has gotten herself into. People, a post every day? If you have any ideas of what I can write about, or there is a topic or something about me you so desparalty want to know, leave a comment and I will address it the best I can.


Friday, October 26, 2007


Welcome to the 2ww.

Last night I took my first dose of Pr*metrium. The dr has me on 200 mg once a day orally. I really didn't feel any side effects, like drunkenness or dizziness, but this morning my uterus feels very full. Almost crampy, but not quite. I have a hard time distinguishing between my IC symptoms and regular cramps, so maybe it's a combo of the Pr*metrium and the IC. We'll see.

I'm praying that these next two weeks go rather quickly and that I do not let the pregnancy effects of the Pr*metrium get my hopes up. I don't want to get my hopes up, but cannot help it, I already feel positive about this cycle. I want it to work, I want to give my husband a child, I want to be a parent. And I really want to be pregnant.

From all that I've read and observed on the internets, the end goal is a baby, a child to love and raise and parent. That is what I want too, but I also want to experience pregnancy, the feeling of the baby moving and growing, and yes, all the unpleasantness that goes with it too. (If this does someday work out and I do get to be pregnant, I may complain about the yuckiness of it, but that only makes me human, right?). Obviously we've talked about adoption and that is an option, but I want to be pregnant, I want to have the opportunity to breast feed.

Sometimes I think it's selfish of me to want to be pregnant, that I'm not really focusing on the end result, but then other times I don't think so. How did you handle the internal or external argument on this, or was this even a problem for you? I'm interested to know how others have dealt with the situation.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Thursday Story

Every now and then I write a story for my girl friends and e-mail it off. Most often they are titled Monday stories since things always happen on the weekends, sometimes though it could be a Wednesday story. It's usually something funny that's happened in my life and they get a good kick out of it. I thought I would start the same thing here, especially since NaBloPoMO is racing it's way towards me and I am terrified of the commitment I've jumped into.

Welcome to today's story.

Now as I mentioned above usually the stories involve something funny that's happened, or in some cases really gross but turns funny after I've had some time to let the grossness of it all pass (I'll write the cockroach story sometime soon, that was the first story and still holds the ranking as the best.ever.story.) This story however, is not funny at all, unless you count how sad the behavior of some people as funny.

My drive to work usually takes about 15-20 minutes depending on what time I leave and how much traffic there is. I travel on a four lane hwy that is really the only good way into town unless I want to drive WAY out of my way to take the "freeway". The "freeway" is a hwy but with only one stop light between me and the exit I would take. So I take the always-under-construction-death-trap hwy.

There is one point that the right hand lane is always the slowest and it happens to be at a light. There is usually a large truck or a lot of traffic in that lane so I always move over, just like I did this morning. There was a car in front of where I wanted to be and a car behind where I wanted to be, so I took the opportunity to move. Apparently I was a little too close to the car behind me. I didn't think I was and the person didn't honk so I thought I was good. Until the car sat on my bumper. So I moved when I got past the large tanker in the right lane thinking the car would pass and flip me off if it was so inclined. Here is where I was wrong.

The car immediately and rather scarily(is that a word?) swerved right behind me and again decided to make it's home on my bumper. Had they been any closer I could have had my morning coffee with them. I decided I didn't want to play the road rage game and noticed that about 200 yards ahead was a red light. So I did what any normal human would do and gently tapped my brakes. And by gently I mean I brake checked the punk. It was an ACCIDENT (not the brake check, that was on purpose). I didn't mean to cut raging maniac off. Raging Maniac, or RM as they shall be known from this point on, almost REAR ENDED ME. Now, it wasn't a break check that would have been say, my fault if RM had really rear ended me, just enough to let them know enough was enough.

So, RM swerved to miss me, cut me off, then realized that they should have been looking at the road in front of them, oh dear, traffic had stopped. So RM swerved again into the left lane. I stayed right where I was. For the next four miles RM tried so hard to cut me off, but it wasn't working. There was too much traffic and finally some very large Dodge Ram saw what was going on and blocked RM so they couldn't get to me. I continued on my merry way thinking all was done and peaceful. But just as a precaution I turned on my cell to get ready to dial 911 in case RM decided to come back. And I wasn't disappointed.

I had turned onto my street with nary a sign of RM in the rear view mirror. I thought, foolishly, that they had decided to return to reality and just go to work. Seriously, it was AN ACCIDENT! It happened, get over it. So I'm in the left lane, phone in hand and who do I see zooming into my view?? No guesses? Ok, it was RM! But RM was getting into the right turn lane, getting ready to turn right, right? Oh no, the light turns green and I go forward, the car next to me goes forward and RM promptly cuts off the poor car in the right lane that has no idea what in the heck is going on. So I dial 911, but can't get a good read on the license plate. Just that it's a silver Chrysler Pacifica with an unidentifiable driver. Now my heart is pounding (it's pounding while writing this and it happened over an hour ago) and I'm shaking(I'm still doing that too). I don't want to die, I still have so many things to do!! And since you just don't know what crazy people are capable of, I didn't look at RM when we cam to a red light and we were finally side by side.

And RM started, just now STARTED honking at me. Good grief, don't you think that would have been the right thing to do 7.MILES.AGO?!?! So I hung up before the 911 operator could answer and turned AWAY from the maniac. I pulled into my parking lot and sat there, shaking and watching to make sure RM didn't decide to turn around and put a cap in me (I like saying put a cap in me even though I am the WHITEST girl you have ever met, it's fun). I got into my building and stood at the top floor window watching to make sure RM didn't come back to hurt my car. Good thing every 2 out of 5 cars in this town are identical to mine. Except maybe I'm the only one with a Sheriff's sticker on the car. I might need to remove that.

So that is the introduction to the story of the day. I hope you liked it, now I have to figure out how to transfer this to e-mail without re-writing it or linking to my blog. They don't know about the blog!

Wednesday, October 24, 2007


I just bit into a beautiful purple seedless grape from Costco, and there are seeds. Very dissapointing.

Random question - have any of you ever used the progesterone cream from Arb*nne or other non-oral brand? I'm starting my first round of oral progesterone probably Friday and I would prefer a cream for next time. Assuming of course that this doesn't turn into a pregnancy with a baby on the other end. I'm getting my hopes up. It just feels right this time (loud laughter in the background at the foolishness of Nessa can be heard miles away).

Monday, October 22, 2007

Good Music

If you are looking for a new cd to fall in love with - go check out our friend's website Justin Un*ger . He's a christian artist and was with the band Acr*ss the Sky for a year or so and is now our music pastor. The coolest thing about this project is that no one is making a dime off of it. It was funded by our church, produced and recorded in Nashville with the best people and not one.single.dime. is going into the pocket of anyone. ANYONE. This does not happen in the music industry. It is solely an outreach project - any and all proceeds from the sales are being funneled back into a new cd that will have the same premise.

So go. and look and listen. God has given this man a talent that you would not believe. You can listen to a bit of the songs on his website as well as purchase it too. If you are so inclined. I cannot remember the release date as we got an early copy, sorry!

P.S. - he cannot read music!!

Friday, October 19, 2007

Ava Grace

Last night at around 9:00 our friends P & J welcomed little Ava Grace into the world. Three weeks early and 4.5 lbs, she is doing wonderful. I have not seen the little one yet, but I can only imagine she has dark hair and stunningly blue eyes (hello genetics - beautiful parents do wonders). I would go more into my feelings, but do not want to taint the arrivale of someone so precious.

Welcome to the world little one, you are loved.

Power Outage

The power just came back on at work after being off for about 45 minutes. Oh how I was hoping to go home early, no such luck. By the way, it is really dark if you do not have a window in your office and there is no power.

And yes, it really is just a little after 8 and I have been at work that long already. Thank you kind people who made it be Friday, I have been praying for this day all week.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007


Ugh. Today has been rough, but an eye opener. I think for the first time I have accepted the fact that I am sick, that I have a condition that has no cure and will forever and always be my side kick. A very un-welcomed side kick. It's an amazing thing, I feel like I've woken up from a fog that has lasted almost three years. Since my diagnosis a year and a half ago, I think I have stuffed it in, only dealing with the infertility, not wanting to deal with something of this magnitude. Oh my poor husband.

I came clean to my bosses today, apologized for my unbelievably horrid work habits the past few months, tried to explain that my illness is somehow affecting my memory, although I don't think they really got that part. They may have thought it was an excuse, I don't know. I didn't go into detail, didn't tell them what I have. Maybe I will have to, as my memory seems to be getting worse and I don't really have a good explanation as to why. I think it's a combo of IC and stress. Today I feel like I'm losing my mind. Do you ever feel like that? Like you are having a conversation with someone and you see everything, but you see it as if it's their life? Very distanced? I must sound like a complete nut, but really, who cares. Sometimes it's ok to sound a little nutty. I feel like I've been holding it together and it's all unraveling like little strings here and there.

You should see my house, it is absolutely disgusting! I told Mr. Sparky last night we should just move, don't bother packing or cleaning, just move. It sounds lovely. I've decided today that I need to find a good doctor (which entails driving 2 hrs to Phx) and dealing with everything. Maybe I shall visit the Mayo. Dear lord they have done wonders for so many people I love. Ah, but the hiding factor - I do not want to seem weak, so I hide things. Stuff them as far down as possible until my toes swell ( I think that is really from being over weight, but this makes me feel better!), and things start popping out of them. That is really quite disgusting, I apologize.

Oh dear vacation, why art thou so far away?

Wow - I just read all this and it sounds very disjointed. If I were reading this I would be worried about me, but since I know how I am (very, very tired and in pain) this actually doesn't sound too bad. You should hear me in my sleep!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

26,280 hours

26, 280 hours (or something very close) since I married the man I love. Happy third anniversary Mr. Sparky. You have been my rock, my strength and my source of laughter. You have kept me sane throughout all the medical bizarreness from the beginning. You take care of me when I can't, you take care of the house when I can't and you take care of my family when I can't.

Is it impossible to see the qualities I want to pass on to our children? You are the reason I want kids. I see our daughter in your eyes, those lashes that make your blue eyes sparkle. I see our son in your strength, the way you are so capable of doing so many things I am not. I love the fact that you are a bad-ass cop who can take anyone down when you need to yet you are the most tender man I've ever met.

Thank you for listening to my story all those many dates ago and deciding right there you wanted to marry me, not run away from the girl with the crazy insane past. You have made me a better person, a better woman, a better everything. As long as I have you, I know things will be ok.

I love you.

(whenever I figure out to do it from work, I will post pictures of my beautiful diamond earings I got as a present)

Friday, October 12, 2007

Maybe Later

I took the previous post down, it was too much out there, too soon. Plus it made me sound crazy. Maybe in a little while, after I get a hold of what's going on in my life (and a vacation) I will go into the stuff that happened a little more. Thanks for understanding and the support everyone here gives. Even if you don't comment, just knowing you all are there is comforting.

Thursday, October 11, 2007


I got a phone call from my neighbor J last night. She said she wanted to talk to me in person and if sometime soon I could go down to her house. So immediately I tried to figure out what I had done to hurt or offend her, my mind racing. Finally she said she would just tell me over the phone. Her voice was so full of distress that my heart was racing.

I'm five weeks pregnant, she says. Her fear and trepidation were because she didn't want to hurt me. I wanted to start crying, not because I was jealous (just a twinge) but because of her care and concern for my feelings. She said she had been praying that it would be me and not her, she has three children, two they just adopted from Haiti. I've not yet had anyone truly show that kind of love towards me in regards to their pregnancy.

Now for the prayer. She has had five miscarriages, the last one at Christmas last year. She started bleeding before she even knew she was pregnant, but that little bugger is still holding on. They've got her on complete bed rest (which is difficult - she home schools and hubby works full time) and progesterone in really high doses at least until 12 weeks, if she makes it that far. Please pray that this works, they weren't trying but would love to add this addition to their family. I'm not going to be able to see her until at least next week due to my schedule, but their church has been supplying meals for them. (and if I hear even a tiny peep about how of course they got pregnant and it will work, they just adopted! I will have to check myself into a padded room) But I know you all are much more intelligent than that. You're reading me, right? You can't see it, but the sarcasm is pouring off of those last few words.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Goodbyes and Breakdowns **UPDATED

On Sunday, friends of ours packed their 3 kids and dog into their suburban and left for MI. I miss her already. They were part of our small group from church and are struggling to save their marraige. It's been a long summer of crying, praying and listening to K deal with the stuff that is going on in her marraige, not to mention the arrival of little T in August. I'm made at her husband, but he seems to be making an effort this time, I hope. He's fooled us before and we all felt betrayed, but I think the reality of it all hit him hard in the face this time. He's showing repentance and truly making an effort to either rekindle or begin a true relationship with Jesus.

And that K, she is amazing! Her faith through this whole thing has never once waivered. She has always said that God has a plan for them, whether it be together or not. She has biblical grounds for divorce, yet she still wants to make this marriage work, for them, the kids, and God. God HATES divorce, even when there is biblical grounds for it. I'm so proud of them, making a very tough decision and doing what's right for them to get their marriage back. But I miss her.

We had a good friendship, albeit a very short one. We didn't meet until February of this year, but it was a good eight months. We had a lot of good talks about a lot of things, we got along easily and her kids are fantastic. Hopefully they will be back, neither of them wanted to move away, but you need to do what's best for your family and sometimes that's the hardest thing. But I think it's easier for the people leaving than those staying. They have something new to look forward to, the business of moving and unpacking with three kids under 5.

Sunday nights we have our small group and it's been a huge blessing for our marriage. The couples are great and we really have a good time. For the first time since I've moved her (three yrs next week!) I feel like I belong, like I'm special to someone besides my husband. But the caveat is this - since we've been in the group (February 07) three out of five couples have given birth and there's one more due next month. Sunday was the breaking point for me, I know this cycle didn't work and I was a little overwhelmed with K leaving. I kind of broke down that night and finally told them I am so confused as to why God would put us in the MOST firtile group at the church (that's another story, church. It's a baby fest right now).

I know he has a plan, but come on Lord - really?? Sometimes I think it's this cruel joke that we arn't able to have kids. That's all I've ever wanted. From the time I was two I was more interested in babies than anything else, and that feeling has only gotten stronger since. Why would God give me such a maternal instinct then not bless us with the one thing I want so badly? Man, I sound ungrateful. I'm not, just sad and blech. This month is the 2 yr mark and squat has happened. Plus it find us in even more debt than when we started and none of it was for our quest as parents. Which bites, but it can be fixed.

Wow, I would have sent invitations had I known this was going to turn into a pitty party. Anyway, I'm boring and depressing myself, so I cannot imagine what you poor people are feeling (if I have any readers after this!) A much more upbeat post to come, I promise, as soon as something upbeat happens in this life of mine.

*** Not upbeat at all - favorite RN just called with my progesterone tests - no ovulation 6.9 was my level. So off to the pharmacy to get Pr*metrium for the next three cycles, if nothing during that then we add Cl*mid. I feel like crying.

Friday, October 5, 2007

No words to explain

Last Saturday I had a baby shower to go to for a friend of mine. It was nice, spending time with friends, all three of which had babies ranging from 6 weeks to 6 months. I had a good time, except when I was talking to one friend who has PCOS and tried for 2 years before her baby came and I started to cry, in public. Folks, I do not do this with people I am not secure with, let alone at someone else's baby shower!

So I sucked it up and went about helping with gifts and picture taking and clean up and went home and promptly got into a screaming match( I was screaming, Mr. Sparky doesn't do those kinds of things) with Mr. Sparky. I calmed down and seriously talked about the things going on and what we are going to do. He has been adamantly against Cl*mid from the get go - his reasoning is that he doesn't want multiples. While that is a possibility (a small one at that - 10%) the thing that terrifies me the most are the mood swings. I've heard so many horror stories about the strong side effects. I know some women don't have any at all, but I am the one who always gets the random side effect only 5% of the population gets. I'm very sensitive. I'm also already a hormonal basket case that I wonder if adding to that would be a good thing.

So I don't know where that leaves us. I just got back from my day 21 blood draw and will find out sometime next week whether my progesterone levels are good. We'll see what happens next. Part of me wants to take Cl*mid right.this.second. But another part of me wants to wait until the first of the year, until after academy is over. People, this academy thing is killing me. It's a lot of work and I'm not even the one going through it! I'm tired, and drained and need a vacation. The stress is amazing, and I'm sure that alot of it is that this month is the two year mark, with no progress whatsoever. I feel like the last two years have been a waste, a joke.

I KNOW God has a plan for us, I do. I believe in my heart that as long as I am faithful and trust in Him he will reveal his plan for our lives - and that may not involve biological children. And on one level that is totally ok. And on another that is the most horrific, terrifying thought ever, it makes me want to scream and cry and take all my frustrations out on my loving husband and my faithful heavenly father.

I am so glad it is Friday.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007


I have just finished a bag of M*ther's Iced *atmeal Cookies, by myself in 2.5 days. I think I'm going to be sick.

I signed up for the blogging thingy for the month of November where you blog everyday. Shall we see how well that goes? I am a master at not following through with anything. Wish me luck.

Friday, September 28, 2007


In case I haven't made it abundantly clear, I am a dork. A big one. And I am very ok with this. It isn't something I try to hide, all of my friends, family and especially Mr. Sparky know this well. So here goes my dorkiness.

I am totally in love with sitemeter. The premise, the results, the different ways I can see who is visiting me, and the cherry on top? - The fact that people ARE visiting me. I never in my wildest dreams thought people would read my drivel, sometimes I don't want to read my drivel. Yet, on a daily basis you people come visit me. And from ALL OVER THE WORLD. While I'm not new to the blog world I am new to the writing in the blog world and sometimes forget this crap is really out there, for THE WHOLE WORLD to read. And that my friends, makes me giggle inside like a little school girl.

I love to see the different locations listed and try to figure out who they are by their blogs. And if you dont' have one, that makes it difficult, but nonetheless exciting! See - big dork. But I'm ok with that. I had a heart attack the first time I saw someone from Minnesota because um, my whole family lives there and I thought, "Egads! They've found me and now I can't tell any of my family secrets - who the black sheep is, who has no eyelashes and so forth". Then stupid me remembers that I have a blogging "friend" if you will, who lives in MN. But the ones that really get me? People from the other side of the world. I love the fact that people can randomly stumble across my blog while I'm sleeping in the cold dark night and they are lounging around on the beach preparing for a surf boarding Santa to come riding in! See the excitement? No?

I never thought I would be useful for others in my situation, whatever that may be, that this would be solely therapeutic for me. Hah, but I love you all and please let me know when you come around. I won't harass or anything, even if you disagree with what I have to say. That doesn't mean you can be snarky(love, love, love that word), it means that I would love to say hi back. So, Hi, in advance.

Thanks to those who read, those who just stroll around to see what's on the shelves and those who are just window shopping. Have a great day.

P.S. - can you believe snarky get's spell checked? Silly dictionary.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

10:22 **UPDATED

It is only 10:22 am and I am so ready to be done with my day. Of course I got here at 6:15, but still, the day is no where close to being over. Blech.

I just had to tell you how much I love my husband. A LOT. For no particular reason (although on more than a few occasions I have wanted to kill him), I just wanted the internets to know this. I am also very proud of him. He is succeeding very well in the academy, his average test scores are 92%. School is not his thing, he is much more a hands on man and so seeing this pleases me to no end.

Have a wonderful afternoon/morning/evening wherever you are in the world, and may you always have someone you love more than life itself.

P.S. - I HAVE GOT TO PEE - just a little tidbit I knew you were all dying to know.

Folks this is bad, very bad. I feel like I could gouge my eyes out. Will this day never end? And on a side note, I have to pee again. There is something about posting and peeing.

Oh, sometimes I hate my boss. Like right this very second. I can see the hate oozing out of every pore. I need a drink. But, I'm ovulating and apparently I have hope still that this whole sex on our own thing will work! Somebody please take whatever it is I'm smoking away from me and deliver a firm yet loving smack across my face, Dynasty style. Thanks.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Business, or Busy-ness, or Busi-ness? Maybe?

Goodness, it's been awhile! I cannot believe how ridiculously busy I have been. Mr. Sparky's academy is kicking our butts, and his ankles! Saturday I spent the day in Phoenix at a baby shower and drove home that afternoon.

By the time I got home (6ish) his ankle was the size of a softball. So, off to the ER we go. Good news - no broken bones(my biggest worry was stress fracture), bad news - VERY.BAD.SPRAIN. NO physical activity for at least a week. People, he is in POLICE ACADEMY, where they run 12 miles a week! and get kicked out for injuries!! Luckily, his supervisors are being cool about it and are letting him rest. It's funny though, he has a splint on it and he can't get it into his boots. So he's wearing one boot and one tennis shoe with his uniform - very professional.

Last Tuesday I did my day 3 tests and heard back from favorite RN today. All looks fantastic and I am super fertile! That's kinda funny. So I asked her what's next, day 20 tests and if those look good another deposit from the Mr. will be required. I don't know how to tell him that. He is not fond of that procedure. It would be ok if we could do it at home, but we live more than 20 minutes from the ONLY lab in the county who can do the testing, so it's a bathroom right next to the check in counter for us!

I started working 50 hr weeks this week and will be until Christmas. A major project to finish and we need to money. It sucks, I'm tired, but it won't be forever. I can do anything for a few months as long as there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Hmmm, that reminds me of that Third Day song - I'll find the lyrics, be right back....

Ok, that wasn't that hard. I love that song. It's such a good reminder that whatever we are going through, God is always going to get us through, there is always an end to the struggles. It may not be the end WE had hoped and prayed for, but the perfect ending God has already written. I love being a child of GOd, it is so refreshing to know that with all of the insanity of life, we can lay down in His hands and be comforted, knowing he will take care of us. The only problem I have with that, is He and I are not on the same time frame. Really must have a talk with him about that!

Anyway, that's a quickie, maybe more later. Ohh, I did find out I'm getting something pretty for our 3rd anniversary (Oct. 16). I tried to yell at him for buying me something when we don't have the money, but he said he wasn't buying it, it was coming from his mother - which means something sparkly!

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Something posted at Dooney's site made me think of this and laugh, so I had to share. Since Mr. Sparky is in police academy he has been very sore and he leaves the Icy Hot on his night stand. Well, the other night we were, well, you know, trying to make a baby and he reached for the "little helper". It was dark and we were in a hurry to get things moving along and he reached out and grabbed the tube and started to squeeze. Well, before he could get any further I yelled, "STOP!" I could smell the distinct odor of curiously strong mint (thanks Alt*ids for the slogan). Can you imagine what would have happened had he actually gotten any further?? I shudder to think of the consequences. Needless to say, my lady bits were very grateful.

Smoke in my eyes

Isn't that a saying or something? They are doing a controlled burn in my city and the smoke is awful! I'm sitting at my computer and my eyes are burning, we have a return air something or other in the building so there is always fresh air coming in. Except today the fresh air isn't too fresh. We usually get some elderly people writing in to the newspaper about how the smoke is bad for their health, blah blah blah. My response to that - If you would prefer, we will stop the controlled burns just for you and then when the city burns to the ground because the forest was taken over by drought(10 yrs people! we are dry!) and bark beetles, do NOT come crying to me!

I'm a leader at my church's high school group and last night one of my girls told me she is having a real hard time in English. So with her permission and her parents, I'm going to start tutoring her in English. Wow, it has been a long time since I've done freshman English, but I know she needs help and so far no one has really tried to help her, just threaten punishment if she doesn't do better. That seems so wrong to me. I guess that's my inner teacher (studied but didn't finish the education degree) crying out to protect and help the kids, not punish them.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Marathon's of Life

Monday I was talking to my friend S. She and her husband J have decided to run the PF Chang's Rock n' Roll marathon in January. I thought about it and I am going to run it too. It's only a half marathon, 13.1 miles, but still. And it happens to fall on my b-day, I couldn't' help but feel what a wonderful present it would be to myself to be in good enough shape to walk/run a half-marathon.

I've always been on the heavy side. In fact I like to joke that the only time I was small was the day I was born(6lbs 7oz), then I found my mom's boob and haven't stopped eating since. Well, not on my mom's boob anymore, that's just weird. There has always been a battle between me and food. I'm an emotional eater, sad, mad, happy, bored, angry. If you can feel it, I'll eat to it. I've even been diagnosed as a binge eater after a seriously traumatic event caused me to spiral into depression and dive head first into a nervous breakdown and still suffer from it from time to time.

I weighed 157 lbs on my wedding day. It has been years since I weighed that and was very excited about it. Of course, it's now been years since then and I am no longer close to that weight. I've put on 40 lbs since I married Mr. Sparky and it's quite disgusting. Of course I have weighed this much before, in my early twenties when all I wanted to do was drink copious amounts of liquor, smoke and eat all meals at Outback(I worked there, it was cheaper than shopping) which I do NOT recommend unless you have an amazing metabolism.

Shortly after we returned from our honeymoon I started to not feel good. And by not feel good, I mean couldn't breathe because the pain in my abdomen/pelvic area was so bad I thought I would die. I wasn't working at the time, I miss those days (of no work, not pain) and so I would spend all day on the couch, in pain and severely depressed. Oh, and this was not the kind of sick that made you not want to eat (see above emotional eating). I went to all kinds of dr's who immediately wanted to run a pregnancy test on me. After the 15th negative test, no joke, I finally said, "Enough, if you don't have anything to do to me besides a pregnancy test, don't touch me any more". I went to a new OB seeing as I had just moved to the area and knew nobody and he couldn't figure out what was wrong with me either. He did a uterine lap and decided it wasn't endo and couldn't' help me. Here's what he told me - just have a baby and that will fix it. Seriously, the joke is on him.

This started in Nov of 04 and finally in April of 06 there was a diagnosis - Interstitial Cystitis. Basically it is a condition of the bladder, but so few people know what to look for and it's symptoms mimic so many other things, it's very difficult to diagnose. The inside of a normal bladder is nice and smooth and pretty(I can only assume as I have never personally seen one) and mine looks like hamburger. Literally millions of little paper cut like incisions all over the inside of my bladder. And do you all know what goes through the bladder? Everything that is toxic to the body. So this toxicness, and not the good ole' Brittney Spears kind, is actually getting inside the inside of my bladder. And it hurts like hell. So I've been a little sedentary since the wedding. Oh, did I mention it makes sex the most unbearable thing in the world? Anyone care to venture how well this bodes for the whole makin' a baby business? No? Nobody?

With it being me, par for the course, there is no cure for this pesky little condition. Only a "management program". Seriously, it sound like my bladder will be climbing the corporate ladder a whole lot quicker than me. 1 pill, three times a day, and 2 pills twice a day, for the REST OF MY LIFE! People, I was 26 and this was not looking good. Plus I don't really like to take a lot of medication and I wanted to see if I could work with diet and all that. Didn't really work so well so a year later I decided to take the medications. And they started working, and I ever so smartly decided to go off of them. Ohhhh, I forgot to mention the series of nine!! injections to my bladder, through catheter. I have been catheterized more in one month than most people in their entire life! Enough. Mmmmmmm, it's lunch time and I'm hungry, I'll be back.

Ok, I'm back and I've returned ashamed. After talking about making changes for my body I go and eat at Arby's for lunch. I have a salad in the fridge and yet, I make POOR choices. Ah well, such is life. Where was I? Oh yes, the sickness, as it's called at my home. Yeah, so I started five weeks ago a new diet. It's not technically a diet for weight loss, it's an immune system reset diet. No wheat, no dairy(which I can't do anyway, but love ice cream and cheese), caffeine(which has not entirely gone away) or alcohol(not THAT big of a deal since I might drink once in a blue moon). Since being on this diet I feel better than I have in years! And I've lost 7 lbs to boot. The past two weeks have not been good since my family was up Labor Day and and you know how that goes, it's been tricky getting back into the flow of things. Well, that's really it. I started working out again last night and am determined to be able to run at least 5 miles of the 13.1 by Jan 13. Did I mention that is my birthday? I might a few more times as I am a birthday whore. When I was younger I could make my birthday last for at least a month, sometimes longer.

I'm supposed to be getting a visit from the red headed monster Saturday, I'll update later about my day three results.