Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Progesterone 1, Mr. Sparky - 0

It was bad folks, really bad. The Progester*ne Witch reared it's ugly head on Saturday and took Mr. Sparky down every round. But really, is it necessary to blink that LOUD!!! Of course, I have calmed down and am praying the next seven days go by smoothly.

And I think they will. You see, I've been sick since Sunday. And by sick I mean on the couch, doing nothing but drinking clear fluids and watching too much tv. It's been horrid. Today I am at work and will be leaving shortly. I am too dizzy to do anything important and am not able to sit up straight for too long.

So on the eve of NaBloPoMo, I leave you with a terrified woman who is too afraid of what she has gotten herself into. People, a post every day? If you have any ideas of what I can write about, or there is a topic or something about me you so desparalty want to know, leave a comment and I will address it the best I can.


Friday, October 26, 2007


Welcome to the 2ww.

Last night I took my first dose of Pr*metrium. The dr has me on 200 mg once a day orally. I really didn't feel any side effects, like drunkenness or dizziness, but this morning my uterus feels very full. Almost crampy, but not quite. I have a hard time distinguishing between my IC symptoms and regular cramps, so maybe it's a combo of the Pr*metrium and the IC. We'll see.

I'm praying that these next two weeks go rather quickly and that I do not let the pregnancy effects of the Pr*metrium get my hopes up. I don't want to get my hopes up, but cannot help it, I already feel positive about this cycle. I want it to work, I want to give my husband a child, I want to be a parent. And I really want to be pregnant.

From all that I've read and observed on the internets, the end goal is a baby, a child to love and raise and parent. That is what I want too, but I also want to experience pregnancy, the feeling of the baby moving and growing, and yes, all the unpleasantness that goes with it too. (If this does someday work out and I do get to be pregnant, I may complain about the yuckiness of it, but that only makes me human, right?). Obviously we've talked about adoption and that is an option, but I want to be pregnant, I want to have the opportunity to breast feed.

Sometimes I think it's selfish of me to want to be pregnant, that I'm not really focusing on the end result, but then other times I don't think so. How did you handle the internal or external argument on this, or was this even a problem for you? I'm interested to know how others have dealt with the situation.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Thursday Story

Every now and then I write a story for my girl friends and e-mail it off. Most often they are titled Monday stories since things always happen on the weekends, sometimes though it could be a Wednesday story. It's usually something funny that's happened in my life and they get a good kick out of it. I thought I would start the same thing here, especially since NaBloPoMO is racing it's way towards me and I am terrified of the commitment I've jumped into.

Welcome to today's story.

Now as I mentioned above usually the stories involve something funny that's happened, or in some cases really gross but turns funny after I've had some time to let the grossness of it all pass (I'll write the cockroach story sometime soon, that was the first story and still holds the ranking as the best.ever.story.) This story however, is not funny at all, unless you count how sad the behavior of some people as funny.

My drive to work usually takes about 15-20 minutes depending on what time I leave and how much traffic there is. I travel on a four lane hwy that is really the only good way into town unless I want to drive WAY out of my way to take the "freeway". The "freeway" is a hwy but with only one stop light between me and the exit I would take. So I take the always-under-construction-death-trap hwy.

There is one point that the right hand lane is always the slowest and it happens to be at a light. There is usually a large truck or a lot of traffic in that lane so I always move over, just like I did this morning. There was a car in front of where I wanted to be and a car behind where I wanted to be, so I took the opportunity to move. Apparently I was a little too close to the car behind me. I didn't think I was and the person didn't honk so I thought I was good. Until the car sat on my bumper. So I moved when I got past the large tanker in the right lane thinking the car would pass and flip me off if it was so inclined. Here is where I was wrong.

The car immediately and rather scarily(is that a word?) swerved right behind me and again decided to make it's home on my bumper. Had they been any closer I could have had my morning coffee with them. I decided I didn't want to play the road rage game and noticed that about 200 yards ahead was a red light. So I did what any normal human would do and gently tapped my brakes. And by gently I mean I brake checked the punk. It was an ACCIDENT (not the brake check, that was on purpose). I didn't mean to cut raging maniac off. Raging Maniac, or RM as they shall be known from this point on, almost REAR ENDED ME. Now, it wasn't a break check that would have been say, my fault if RM had really rear ended me, just enough to let them know enough was enough.

So, RM swerved to miss me, cut me off, then realized that they should have been looking at the road in front of them, oh dear, traffic had stopped. So RM swerved again into the left lane. I stayed right where I was. For the next four miles RM tried so hard to cut me off, but it wasn't working. There was too much traffic and finally some very large Dodge Ram saw what was going on and blocked RM so they couldn't get to me. I continued on my merry way thinking all was done and peaceful. But just as a precaution I turned on my cell to get ready to dial 911 in case RM decided to come back. And I wasn't disappointed.

I had turned onto my street with nary a sign of RM in the rear view mirror. I thought, foolishly, that they had decided to return to reality and just go to work. Seriously, it was AN ACCIDENT! It happened, get over it. So I'm in the left lane, phone in hand and who do I see zooming into my view?? No guesses? Ok, it was RM! But RM was getting into the right turn lane, getting ready to turn right, right? Oh no, the light turns green and I go forward, the car next to me goes forward and RM promptly cuts off the poor car in the right lane that has no idea what in the heck is going on. So I dial 911, but can't get a good read on the license plate. Just that it's a silver Chrysler Pacifica with an unidentifiable driver. Now my heart is pounding (it's pounding while writing this and it happened over an hour ago) and I'm shaking(I'm still doing that too). I don't want to die, I still have so many things to do!! And since you just don't know what crazy people are capable of, I didn't look at RM when we cam to a red light and we were finally side by side.

And RM started, just now STARTED honking at me. Good grief, don't you think that would have been the right thing to do 7.MILES.AGO?!?! So I hung up before the 911 operator could answer and turned AWAY from the maniac. I pulled into my parking lot and sat there, shaking and watching to make sure RM didn't decide to turn around and put a cap in me (I like saying put a cap in me even though I am the WHITEST girl you have ever met, it's fun). I got into my building and stood at the top floor window watching to make sure RM didn't come back to hurt my car. Good thing every 2 out of 5 cars in this town are identical to mine. Except maybe I'm the only one with a Sheriff's sticker on the car. I might need to remove that.

So that is the introduction to the story of the day. I hope you liked it, now I have to figure out how to transfer this to e-mail without re-writing it or linking to my blog. They don't know about the blog!

Wednesday, October 24, 2007


I just bit into a beautiful purple seedless grape from Costco, and there are seeds. Very dissapointing.

Random question - have any of you ever used the progesterone cream from Arb*nne or other non-oral brand? I'm starting my first round of oral progesterone probably Friday and I would prefer a cream for next time. Assuming of course that this doesn't turn into a pregnancy with a baby on the other end. I'm getting my hopes up. It just feels right this time (loud laughter in the background at the foolishness of Nessa can be heard miles away).

Monday, October 22, 2007

Good Music

If you are looking for a new cd to fall in love with - go check out our friend's website Justin Un*ger . He's a christian artist and was with the band Acr*ss the Sky for a year or so and is now our music pastor. The coolest thing about this project is that no one is making a dime off of it. It was funded by our church, produced and recorded in Nashville with the best people and not one.single.dime. is going into the pocket of anyone. ANYONE. This does not happen in the music industry. It is solely an outreach project - any and all proceeds from the sales are being funneled back into a new cd that will have the same premise.

So go. and look and listen. God has given this man a talent that you would not believe. You can listen to a bit of the songs on his website as well as purchase it too. If you are so inclined. I cannot remember the release date as we got an early copy, sorry!

P.S. - he cannot read music!!

Friday, October 19, 2007

Ava Grace

Last night at around 9:00 our friends P & J welcomed little Ava Grace into the world. Three weeks early and 4.5 lbs, she is doing wonderful. I have not seen the little one yet, but I can only imagine she has dark hair and stunningly blue eyes (hello genetics - beautiful parents do wonders). I would go more into my feelings, but do not want to taint the arrivale of someone so precious.

Welcome to the world little one, you are loved.

Power Outage

The power just came back on at work after being off for about 45 minutes. Oh how I was hoping to go home early, no such luck. By the way, it is really dark if you do not have a window in your office and there is no power.

And yes, it really is just a little after 8 and I have been at work that long already. Thank you kind people who made it be Friday, I have been praying for this day all week.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007


Ugh. Today has been rough, but an eye opener. I think for the first time I have accepted the fact that I am sick, that I have a condition that has no cure and will forever and always be my side kick. A very un-welcomed side kick. It's an amazing thing, I feel like I've woken up from a fog that has lasted almost three years. Since my diagnosis a year and a half ago, I think I have stuffed it in, only dealing with the infertility, not wanting to deal with something of this magnitude. Oh my poor husband.

I came clean to my bosses today, apologized for my unbelievably horrid work habits the past few months, tried to explain that my illness is somehow affecting my memory, although I don't think they really got that part. They may have thought it was an excuse, I don't know. I didn't go into detail, didn't tell them what I have. Maybe I will have to, as my memory seems to be getting worse and I don't really have a good explanation as to why. I think it's a combo of IC and stress. Today I feel like I'm losing my mind. Do you ever feel like that? Like you are having a conversation with someone and you see everything, but you see it as if it's their life? Very distanced? I must sound like a complete nut, but really, who cares. Sometimes it's ok to sound a little nutty. I feel like I've been holding it together and it's all unraveling like little strings here and there.

You should see my house, it is absolutely disgusting! I told Mr. Sparky last night we should just move, don't bother packing or cleaning, just move. It sounds lovely. I've decided today that I need to find a good doctor (which entails driving 2 hrs to Phx) and dealing with everything. Maybe I shall visit the Mayo. Dear lord they have done wonders for so many people I love. Ah, but the hiding factor - I do not want to seem weak, so I hide things. Stuff them as far down as possible until my toes swell ( I think that is really from being over weight, but this makes me feel better!), and things start popping out of them. That is really quite disgusting, I apologize.

Oh dear vacation, why art thou so far away?

Wow - I just read all this and it sounds very disjointed. If I were reading this I would be worried about me, but since I know how I am (very, very tired and in pain) this actually doesn't sound too bad. You should hear me in my sleep!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

26,280 hours

26, 280 hours (or something very close) since I married the man I love. Happy third anniversary Mr. Sparky. You have been my rock, my strength and my source of laughter. You have kept me sane throughout all the medical bizarreness from the beginning. You take care of me when I can't, you take care of the house when I can't and you take care of my family when I can't.

Is it impossible to see the qualities I want to pass on to our children? You are the reason I want kids. I see our daughter in your eyes, those lashes that make your blue eyes sparkle. I see our son in your strength, the way you are so capable of doing so many things I am not. I love the fact that you are a bad-ass cop who can take anyone down when you need to yet you are the most tender man I've ever met.

Thank you for listening to my story all those many dates ago and deciding right there you wanted to marry me, not run away from the girl with the crazy insane past. You have made me a better person, a better woman, a better everything. As long as I have you, I know things will be ok.

I love you.

(whenever I figure out to do it from work, I will post pictures of my beautiful diamond earings I got as a present)

Friday, October 12, 2007

Maybe Later

I took the previous post down, it was too much out there, too soon. Plus it made me sound crazy. Maybe in a little while, after I get a hold of what's going on in my life (and a vacation) I will go into the stuff that happened a little more. Thanks for understanding and the support everyone here gives. Even if you don't comment, just knowing you all are there is comforting.

Thursday, October 11, 2007


I got a phone call from my neighbor J last night. She said she wanted to talk to me in person and if sometime soon I could go down to her house. So immediately I tried to figure out what I had done to hurt or offend her, my mind racing. Finally she said she would just tell me over the phone. Her voice was so full of distress that my heart was racing.

I'm five weeks pregnant, she says. Her fear and trepidation were because she didn't want to hurt me. I wanted to start crying, not because I was jealous (just a twinge) but because of her care and concern for my feelings. She said she had been praying that it would be me and not her, she has three children, two they just adopted from Haiti. I've not yet had anyone truly show that kind of love towards me in regards to their pregnancy.

Now for the prayer. She has had five miscarriages, the last one at Christmas last year. She started bleeding before she even knew she was pregnant, but that little bugger is still holding on. They've got her on complete bed rest (which is difficult - she home schools and hubby works full time) and progesterone in really high doses at least until 12 weeks, if she makes it that far. Please pray that this works, they weren't trying but would love to add this addition to their family. I'm not going to be able to see her until at least next week due to my schedule, but their church has been supplying meals for them. (and if I hear even a tiny peep about how of course they got pregnant and it will work, they just adopted! I will have to check myself into a padded room) But I know you all are much more intelligent than that. You're reading me, right? You can't see it, but the sarcasm is pouring off of those last few words.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Goodbyes and Breakdowns **UPDATED

On Sunday, friends of ours packed their 3 kids and dog into their suburban and left for MI. I miss her already. They were part of our small group from church and are struggling to save their marraige. It's been a long summer of crying, praying and listening to K deal with the stuff that is going on in her marraige, not to mention the arrival of little T in August. I'm made at her husband, but he seems to be making an effort this time, I hope. He's fooled us before and we all felt betrayed, but I think the reality of it all hit him hard in the face this time. He's showing repentance and truly making an effort to either rekindle or begin a true relationship with Jesus.

And that K, she is amazing! Her faith through this whole thing has never once waivered. She has always said that God has a plan for them, whether it be together or not. She has biblical grounds for divorce, yet she still wants to make this marriage work, for them, the kids, and God. God HATES divorce, even when there is biblical grounds for it. I'm so proud of them, making a very tough decision and doing what's right for them to get their marriage back. But I miss her.

We had a good friendship, albeit a very short one. We didn't meet until February of this year, but it was a good eight months. We had a lot of good talks about a lot of things, we got along easily and her kids are fantastic. Hopefully they will be back, neither of them wanted to move away, but you need to do what's best for your family and sometimes that's the hardest thing. But I think it's easier for the people leaving than those staying. They have something new to look forward to, the business of moving and unpacking with three kids under 5.

Sunday nights we have our small group and it's been a huge blessing for our marriage. The couples are great and we really have a good time. For the first time since I've moved her (three yrs next week!) I feel like I belong, like I'm special to someone besides my husband. But the caveat is this - since we've been in the group (February 07) three out of five couples have given birth and there's one more due next month. Sunday was the breaking point for me, I know this cycle didn't work and I was a little overwhelmed with K leaving. I kind of broke down that night and finally told them I am so confused as to why God would put us in the MOST firtile group at the church (that's another story, church. It's a baby fest right now).

I know he has a plan, but come on Lord - really?? Sometimes I think it's this cruel joke that we arn't able to have kids. That's all I've ever wanted. From the time I was two I was more interested in babies than anything else, and that feeling has only gotten stronger since. Why would God give me such a maternal instinct then not bless us with the one thing I want so badly? Man, I sound ungrateful. I'm not, just sad and blech. This month is the 2 yr mark and squat has happened. Plus it find us in even more debt than when we started and none of it was for our quest as parents. Which bites, but it can be fixed.

Wow, I would have sent invitations had I known this was going to turn into a pitty party. Anyway, I'm boring and depressing myself, so I cannot imagine what you poor people are feeling (if I have any readers after this!) A much more upbeat post to come, I promise, as soon as something upbeat happens in this life of mine.

*** Not upbeat at all - favorite RN just called with my progesterone tests - no ovulation 6.9 was my level. So off to the pharmacy to get Pr*metrium for the next three cycles, if nothing during that then we add Cl*mid. I feel like crying.

Friday, October 5, 2007

No words to explain

Last Saturday I had a baby shower to go to for a friend of mine. It was nice, spending time with friends, all three of which had babies ranging from 6 weeks to 6 months. I had a good time, except when I was talking to one friend who has PCOS and tried for 2 years before her baby came and I started to cry, in public. Folks, I do not do this with people I am not secure with, let alone at someone else's baby shower!

So I sucked it up and went about helping with gifts and picture taking and clean up and went home and promptly got into a screaming match( I was screaming, Mr. Sparky doesn't do those kinds of things) with Mr. Sparky. I calmed down and seriously talked about the things going on and what we are going to do. He has been adamantly against Cl*mid from the get go - his reasoning is that he doesn't want multiples. While that is a possibility (a small one at that - 10%) the thing that terrifies me the most are the mood swings. I've heard so many horror stories about the strong side effects. I know some women don't have any at all, but I am the one who always gets the random side effect only 5% of the population gets. I'm very sensitive. I'm also already a hormonal basket case that I wonder if adding to that would be a good thing.

So I don't know where that leaves us. I just got back from my day 21 blood draw and will find out sometime next week whether my progesterone levels are good. We'll see what happens next. Part of me wants to take Cl*mid right.this.second. But another part of me wants to wait until the first of the year, until after academy is over. People, this academy thing is killing me. It's a lot of work and I'm not even the one going through it! I'm tired, and drained and need a vacation. The stress is amazing, and I'm sure that alot of it is that this month is the two year mark, with no progress whatsoever. I feel like the last two years have been a waste, a joke.

I KNOW God has a plan for us, I do. I believe in my heart that as long as I am faithful and trust in Him he will reveal his plan for our lives - and that may not involve biological children. And on one level that is totally ok. And on another that is the most horrific, terrifying thought ever, it makes me want to scream and cry and take all my frustrations out on my loving husband and my faithful heavenly father.

I am so glad it is Friday.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007


I have just finished a bag of M*ther's Iced *atmeal Cookies, by myself in 2.5 days. I think I'm going to be sick.

I signed up for the blogging thingy for the month of November where you blog everyday. Shall we see how well that goes? I am a master at not following through with anything. Wish me luck.