Thursday, January 31, 2008

Hearing of Others Joy and not Throwing a HUGE Hissy Fit

I just heard some great news about an internet buddy and I am so excited for her and her hubby! I won't out her because it is her news and she deserves to be the one to tell the world. The only reason I mention this is for some it is terribly hard to hear the news that someone else is going to have a baby. In fact, not too long ago, learning of her happiness would have sent me spiriling. Not now. And I can't tell you how greatful I am for that peace.

When I first opened her e-mail and started reading I thought I should stop. I'm at work and didn't want to burst into tears or have it effect my day. However, I continued reading and for the first time felt pure 100% joy and excitment. It's not that I have never been excited for the people who find they are pregnant. It's impossible not to be excited to some extent. How great that they are building their family and have been blessed with a child. But it wasn't the only emotion tangled up in the mix. For the first time since we started this journey, I can say that it was the only emotion. There wasn't any anger, frustration, pitty or despair. There was just elation. And I am so greatful for that.

It took a very long time to get to this place. This place of peace and acceptance of our situation. I know it's only been a few days since we've made this decision, but the peace and relief I have felt since then has been immessurable! I can only believe that this is from God. I have been searching for this "feeling" for so long and only now, after having been through so much, am I finally able to let it all go. And for that, I have to thank God.

God is the reason I am alive. Well, my faith in him anyway. He is the catalyst that put my husband and myself together and when the time is right, he will be the one who creates our family.

So congrats my friend! I cannot wait until you tell the rest of the world so I don't have to be so sneaky.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

I Hate Qwest and Other Things

I've been sick. Sick, sick, sick. Today is the first day I have seen the outside. Or anything that isn't my couch. And I still feel like death warmed over. Maybe a little mushy too.

I hate Qwest and I'm not afraid to say it. Since we live in a "rural" area, Qwest is the only phone provider (unless you want digital phone or whatever it's called). So they have a nice little monopoly in the area. Which means we can't do squat. Every time it rains our phone line goes out. Which means no internet either since we are still living in the dark ages and have dial-up. Well, in case you haven't noticed (or live outside of AZ and don't really care, totally understandable) we have been getting pounded the last few days. So we have been without a phone since Thursday. It came back on this morning.

This has happened before and we scheduled a service call. Of course the phone started working again so we cancelled the call. Silly, silly people. This time they couldn't come out to see us until Saturday. And not the Saturday in January, no. The Saturday in February. And we are keeping the appointment because dammit, I'm tired of this happening.

Also I'm sick. Did I mention that? My goodness I haven't been this sick in a long time. And it's not like it's yucky sick (you know the type - both "ends" sick). I ache and am light headed and dizzy and tired. Oh so very tired. I was going to go to work yesterday but after taking a shower I decided I needed a nap. I was THAT tired. Not a good sign. So I didn't go into work. And I probably could have justifiably stayed home today, but I don't think I could handle another day on the couch watching television. And I LOVE TV. But we don't have cable and what's the point if I can only watch Judge Judy (have you seen Judge Alex?? I swear they only hired him because he looks like Ken. Even his hair is perfect!) and Montel. Sheesh.

On a lighter note - Mr. Sparky and I have decided that if the whole April baby thing doesn't work out we are taking the year off. No more OPK's, no more doing it because we have to, no more adoption talk. I'm burnt out. I want sex to be fun again. The way it was before it became a chore, before it was just to procreate.

It's not that we are going to prevent it. By no means are we going to do that. Just no more meds and no more dr's and yeah, no more stress. I already feel ten pounds lighter (and I've gained 3 thank you very much). So it is a good thing that we're taking a break. I miss my husband and I want to work on our relationship and have fun and do things and enjoy ourselves and get our finances on track.

I know I will miss peeing on a stick 4 to 7 days a month. I will, because it's been the routine for the last 2.5 years. But I will not miss feeling pressured to have sex or the anxiety the end of the cycle brings. Hello FREEDOM!

Friday, January 25, 2008


Mr. Sparky just called me. He went on his first SWAT mission this morning. He's not on SWAT, but the officer he's partnered with right now is so he tagged along. He actually got to participate in it! It's a misnomer that cops draw their weapons all the time, it's not like it is on t.v. This morning was the first time in 6 weeks that he has had to draw his weapon. He was so excited( not about drawing the weapon exclusively, but being apart of the mission and drawing his weapon. kids.). Luckily everything went well and no one got hurt.

Old Friends

My freshman year of high school I met this crazy beautiful girl who wore odd clothes and only ate sugar. We quickly became good friends. We are as different as night and day. She is ridiculously intelligent and has a passion for all beings, one that I cannot understand but only know that it must come from God. She is a woman after God's heart. He is her passion. She has always been the one to keep me grounded in the word, and I keep her updated in the "real world". I love this woman with everything that I have, and for the last two and a half years it's been long distance.

We always new that Katie would live a missionary life. It's what she wanted. She spent a summer in Kenya while we were in high school and she was going to teach English in Japan after graduating, but she has a condition that causes her extremities to "fall off" in extreme cold and she was going to the coldest climate possible in Japan (or it could have been China, I can't remember, it was a long time ago).

Katie married a man whose heart was on fire for missions. Specifically Turkey. So two and a half years after they got married they packed up their 6 month old Samuel and moved to Turkey. Before Wednesday I hadn't seen in her since July 6, 2005. Nor had I spoken with her. Our only communication was through e-mail. And I missed her terribly.

There are certain people that have relationships where they can go months or years without talking but the second they see each other it is as if no time has ever passed. Katie and I have that kind of relationship. And it's wonderful. We have always lived apart since I left college early. We only lived in the same part of the state for about 7 months before I got married. So seeing each other was a rarity, but it always felt like we had just seen each other hours before. And Wednesday when she opened her mother-in-laws' front door with a new baby on her hip, it was the same feeling. Familiarity, comfortable, safe.

Since they left they welcomed little Joy into their lives. She's just a little over a year and the cutest thing ever. And Sammy, well, he's a big boy now. He just turned three this month. It amazes me to see her and her children. She was never one that dreamed of a family. Her focus was on God and the Great Commission. She has taken to the role of mother very well. I am in awe of her strength. Raising a family in a foreign country where they are seen as outsiders and ridiculed on a daily basis. She has no family there and they have very few friends. It's hard for them. It will be hard on the children as they grow older. Yet both her and her husband feel that this is where they need to be. Reaching out to a country that is rapidly accepting the Muslim faith and where they are daily making a path for God to reach out to those who do not know him.

And I am jealous. Not of the hardships they face in the foreign country, but of her motherhood. And it shames me to feel that way. That I could be jealous of this woman, who has done nothing but love and encourage me, telling me when I was straying and still loving me through my sinful years. We talked about everything on Wednesday, as well as you can fit 2 1/2 years into three hours. And of course the fertility issue came up. She's been praying for me this whole time. Yet I felt as if she was trying to make little of my feelings, of the hurt. We talked about how the doctors have yet to come up with anything substantial besides the progesterone and in her eyes see still sees me as fertile. Just a "having to wait" fertile. Which frustrated me. We also talked about how hard it is dealing with being surrounded by children and pregnant women in our small group. She said something to the effect that it is only hard right now because everyone else has it and I want it. Which made me mad.

I don't think she was trying to belittle my feelings, I just think she was trying to put it into perspective. As much as someone who has never been through this can. I guess what I'm trying to say is she was trying her best, but she was hurtful. Yet, I still love her like I had before we had the conversation. It's hard to explain the feelings to someone who can look at her children who came easily and not truly understand. We then talked about how hard raising a family was and I kind of felt that she was trying to downplay having kids. Or make me think "twice" before venturing into the world of family. I told her that I am not naive enough to think that having a child will be all roses and amazing, that yes, it will be the hardest thing that we've ever done, but well worth it.

It's hard to explain how the conversation really went. I'm having a hard time getting down in words how I felt. I know she was just doing what she felt was the right thing. She would never purposefully be mean, she doesn't know how. And I'm not angry at her, not angry enough to be mean (which I do know how to be). I know what she was trying to do, and I appreciate it. I think it was because it came from her. Had it come from any other person in this world, I probably would have left. For some reason, this woman whom I adore, can do no wrong. That sounds bad, it's not that she can do no wrong, it's that I know her heart is pure and her motives biblical.

I wonder if there are others out there who have a relationship with someone like this. I don't feel as if I am getting run over or she's not taking my feelings seriously. I guess I just needed to get this out and sort through my feelings on it all. It was the best three hours I'd had in a long time. Just sitting there talking with my good friend, being honest and open, something I haven't been with so many people since I've moved here. It felt freeing. And I cried when I left, not wanting to let go of her. Knowing that it would be another three years before I saw her again. I miss her already. I miss her heart, how she so effortlessly relies on God to provide for her and her family. How she can let him take everything she's worrying about and live her life the way he intended it to be. For him.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008


April is a beautiful month. Here we are guaranteed at least one more snow fall (probably not this year though as we've only had 1/2" so far), the birds come back in full force, the trees start to bloom again and it's warm out. It's also Mr. Sparky's birthday and tax season! At least one of those things I always look forward to.

April is also the month that our future (possible) daughter will be born.

Yeah, I'll let that sink in for a little while, I'm still trying to absorb it myself.

It is a remote possibility that Mr. Sparky and I will be parents in April. Yesterday I found out that my friend's brother's girl friend (yes I know it sounds like one of those stories, but it's true. I know my friend personally) has decided that she really doesn't want this baby. And we all of a sudden have been thrown into some pretty scary and exciting stuff.

As I said before, this is a remote possibility with the chance that she will keep the baby. There are so many factors at play right now. She might not even be legally able to keep the baby. She has a son (who is just a little under or over a year), and she and her mother have both been charged with child abuse. The little boy apparently fell off the couch while the grandmother was watching him so they went to the hospital. There they found many, many old fractures. It makes me sick to think that someone could do this to a little baby. But anyway.

This has to be a God thing. Only he knows whether or not this is our little baby. So many things have to happen before, well, before anything can happen. We haven't even filled out the application for our agency yet, we need to start the home study, the classes, etc. The really good thing about this (besides the whole baby thing) is that the fees are drastically lower with this route. We're looking at about $4500. Which compared to the $25,000 we were facing before, it looks like pocket change. Except our pockets are no where near that deep. So we get to see God really go to work. And we get to trust him, completely.

Prayer is what we need to wrap this situation in. Things have to happen, money has to be found. And I'm pretty sure the dogs have killed the money tree we planted last year in the back yard, so that option is out. We do not want to ask my MIL for the money, but if that is where we need to go, we will. Please pray for the baby's health - the mom is smoking and we are not too sure what else she is doing. Please pray that I can keep my wits about me and not get all tangled up in the thought that we might be parents in a few months. Gotta tell you, that nine month adjustment period looks mighty fine about now, but we'll manage. I've had 28 years to get adjusted to the idea of being a mom.

Mr. Sparky is 100% behind this. I wasn't sure he would be, but when I told him, he didn't even think about it, he just said yes. So, we've got a place for the little to sleep, we've got a car seat and stroller that we can borrow. All we really need are some diapers, formula, bottles and clothes. And some serious patience and prayer. Like I said, so many things have to happen first. We're not even sure she is going to give up the baby. But the dad really doesn't want to be a single dad, and his parents don't want to raise a baby, my friend would adopt her, but she doesn't want the weirdness. This way, at least the baby could be raised around her aunt and family. We wouldn't keep her from them. I don't' know. So many thoughts. I don't even think this sounds too rational. I'll keep you posted. But please, please pray.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Another One Bites the Dust

It ended yesterday. Another cycle gone. We talked last night about switching dr's (it will be the 4th time in three years. the medical community where I live just isn't that good) and have our small group praying about it. It's time to get more, something. I don't know. I feel like the practice I'm at is not forcefull enough, not aggressive enough. So I will call tomorrow and we will start from scratch. New blood work, full WORK UP, tell this new dr all my concerns and fears.

We both know God is in control of this and that makes it hard to know how far to go. How much do we take into our "own hands", how much of this is what God wants for us? There will be a lot of prayer in the next few weeks. Prayers for sanity too. However, last week was much much better between me and Mr. Sparky. And on Wednesday I'm driving down to Phx to see one of my best friends from highschool. Her, her husband and their two kids are in the states for the next two months after being in Turkey for that past two and half years. I have not spoken to her, except through e-mail and I haven't met their newest addition yet. It will be a special time, and exciting time.

Prayer is strong and powerful and I know that whatever happens in this crazy journey, God is in control (if I let him be) and he has a plan. It's not for us to know it right now, or even fully. It is for us to trust that he knows what is best for us. The image I see when thinking about God's plans for our lives is a salon. When you are getting something new done to your hair and you see it half way through, it's hard to envision the final product, especially when you look rather scary. That is the same way I see God working. It 's hard to see what the end product will be while the scary, unkown lays before you. I just have to trust that the stylist knows what he is doing.

Friday, January 18, 2008


I need a distraction. I am having odd back pains, random bouts of nauseua, and very tired. I NEED a distraction. If I ovulated when the OPK says I did, it was two days early than normal so I should be getting my period in two days. If not, then I still have four days until my period and this has been the longest.cycle.ever.

I know in my heart I am not pregnant, but it doesn't stop me from wondering, hoping. Please God, give a good distraction, because right now?, work isn't cutting it. Either that, or a positive pregnancy test. One or the other, I won't be picky, honest.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

14 degrees

And I thought yesterday's low of 23.8 was cold! Seriously.

MIL called last night and talked to Mr. Sparky. She has no clue that my birthday has come and gone. He thought about telling her, but decided to skip it. If we were to miss her birthday, oh, the holy high hell we would pay. She is such an odd bird. She keeps trying to bribe us to go down and visit (2 hr trip) and Mr. Sparky for some reason can't tell her she is more than welcome to come visit us. She has visited us approximately 5 times since we've been married (3 yrs!) and always complains that she doesn't see us enough. Sheesh.

Anyway, in other news, I had an epiphany yesterday at the copy machine. What? Isnt' that where all great ideas are born? I'll share it soon, as it is in response to a post I have started but not finished. It was just a reminder that throughout everything, God IS in control. I just have to let him be and stop screwing everything up!

Mr. Sparky got to go to SWAT training yesterday and today. Today they are doing covert building searches. He's having Seriously. It's like playing cops and robbers and getting paid for it! I know, I know. Trust me, there are some serious down sides to the job, but he loves it and it's the only thing he's ever wanted to do. So what's a wife to do besides support her man in what his true heart's desire is. Especially since this whole thing seems to be orchestrated by God. He's got a good way of sneaking in our lives and doing good things while we are trying to figure out what WE think is best for us. Silly, silly people.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Five Observations for Wednesday

1. I got a new work out DVD for my birthday - The Firm's Slim & Sculpt with the workout ball. Holy Cow. I was totally winded and basically DONE by the time the warm-up was over. THE WARM-UP people! That is sad. But I got at least 10 minutes into it and my thighs hurt like you wouldn't believe.

2. 23.8 degrees (f) is cold. It doesn't matter how warm the house or car gets, that is a really bad way to start the morning.

3. It shouldn't be 23.8 degrees in AZ, unless there is snow! (which we have none of by the way.Hello, mother nature? I'd like you to come visit my house please.)

4. Last night I realized that I hadn't gotten a call (or card) from my MIL on or around my birthday. I also realized that my insurance agent called me to wish me happy birthday.

5. The first shows of American Id*l are the best part of the show. Did anyone see the guy who waxed his chest? Or the creepy guy who sang about stalking Paula? Man, I don't think Mr. Sparky and I have laughed that hard in months. It was good.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Anyone Out There???

So I had this post all writen out and Blogger ate it. Blech.

Second verse, same as the first!

People. I need something to read today. New anything, scans, updates, how cute it was when little johnny boo and suzy hoo poo-poo-ed on the potty this morning. ANYTHING. Anything would sufice. I am bored (with tons of work to do and Nooooo motivation) and in dire need of something to read. But alas, no. Everyone that has updated since last week I have read, and re-read. All three people. You all are killing me!

Sunday, January 13, 2008


Today I am turning 28. I'm not where I thought I would be, but life is still really good. It's easy to loose sight of the good things going on around you when you have been sucked into the vaccuum of infertility. But things are really good. I have a great husband, a good job, a roof over my head and good friends. Things could be really worse.

So I am going to usher my twenty-eighth year with a positive attitude, a healthy mindset and a really good steak dinner. Yum.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Hello Hormones, My Name is Nessa, Part II

So. Last night was bad.
I totally lost it in a parking lot and went beserk on some poor idiot who doesn't know how to back up and had the unfortunate luck to run into me (not physically with his car, but just to cross my path). Mr. Sparky said I totally overreacted so I parked, turned the car off, threw the keys at him and told he could f*&^%&^ng drive if he so wanted.
Then I went into Subway and cried, then laughed, then cried again.

Bad, bad night.

To top it off, this morning I woke up with a cold. Great.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Hello Hormones, My Name is Nessa

Yesterday was my first day of Prometrium this cycle. Yesterday was also the day I completely flipped out. On Mr. Sparky. Sort of.

Let's just say that hormones are not something I am new to. I have always had a certain relationship with them that Mr. Sparky has learned to accept. He hides under the bed like a scared kitty and comes out all lovey dovey when the storm is over. Except it really isnt' that bad. Really. I tend to be a little short when the hormones are a ragin' and he tends to get the brunt of it. Only because he is the person I'm living with right now. My poor parents got to experience me for quite a while longer than Mr. Sparky. He should be grateful. Poor dad. Right when my hormones went all wonky my mom started menopause. He should have just moved out of the house during that time.

But that paragraph above really makes me seem worse than I am. I think I am worse than I am, but many friends have said that in fact, I am not the true witch I seem to think I am during that "time of the month". Does anyone else hate that phrase as much as me? "Oh, don't mind her. It's (said in hushed tones) that time of month". I'll show you what happens when it's "that time of month" mister if you keep that up.

Now, what my trusty friends and sidekicks have not had the chance to witness is the new and improved Nessa. The Nessa who, on purpose, ingests 200 mg. of progesterone during the almighty two weeks where the hormones are surging anyway. No, they have not had the pleasure of witnessing that monster. I'm sure they are thanking their mighty stars* that they are 100 miles away from me and not able to feel the wrath. I am sure they would be sorry for my husband and pray for his bodily safety on an hourly basis. Because internet? Let me tell you this. I AM NOT PRETTY ON PROGESTERONE.

I consider myself a level headed arguer during most parts of the month. Even during "that time of the month" (you cannot see or hear it, but the disgust for that phrase is soooo strong, my office is starting to steam) I feel that I handle arguments very well. I never storm off, or throw hissy fits. I don't feel that it is productive to a good marriage. However, yesterday as I pulled into the garage, Mr. Sparky came out and started mocking me for being on the phone. I don't know what happened. I snapped. Like a cool crisp cucumber. Except I wasn't cool, nor very crisp. He came over to open the door, so I locked it. Then I waved at him, backed out of the driveway and closed the garage door. Then I drove around the block. This whole time I continued my conversation with my friend S. Only when I got back to my street did I tell her what I had just done. And here's the kicker - I WASN'T EVEN ANGRY! But it was so juvenile and stupid.

I still don't know how I feel about it. I was a bit standoffish with Mr. Sparky for a good hour after that. I know it was foolish, I know it was wrong. So I apologized to him, but still feel very ambivalent about the whole thing. It's kind of creepy to watch yourself freak out like that and not have any feelings about it. I don't know, maybe I'm making too much out of nothing. Hopefully this isn't a foreshadow to what pregnancy (if, if, if) will be like.

*Some how I was channeling a little old southern lady sitting on a porch drinking tea and playing bridge with the other little ladies in my town. Apparently.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Maggie's Weight Loss Challenge

That's the unofficial name anyway. Maggie over at, well, I can't really remember what the new name is, Pacifier or something-or-other, but she'll always be mighty Maggie to me, has four pounds to lose. Four pounds people to get back to pre Jackson weight!! I am very proud of her.

She has decided that there needs to be some internet support though, so I am joining the band wagon. Since I have about 40 pounds I want to lose and for the life of me cannot do it by myself, I have decided to join a bunch of strangers and get healthy. Yeah me.

It's funny how much apparently we are all ready for this. Maggie decided we should start on the 10th and before yesterday was over, the majority of us had already signed up and started! We are very, very motivated. It will be good to watch others. And not in the creepy stalker way that came out. What I mean is that it will be good to watch others who are in the same boat as me - stuck. We are all pretty much the same age, most of us have kids, and I think all but one is married. I think this will be good, as long as we can all be honest with each other. Maybe the "stranger" aspect will keep us honest. Isn't it funny how we can be so open and honest with people we don't know, yet at times we cannot even look at the one's we love most and be honest. Weird how we are wired, isn't it?

Anyway, I'm really excited about this since I want to lose weight and be healthy if I ever do get pregnant. How unfair is it to the baby if I'm a big 'ole pig? Mr. Sparky and I got into a discussion the other night about how much weight I should lose. He likes a little junk in my trunk (wow, I feel a little dirty saying that. In the unclassy sort of way, not the hookerifick sort of way.) and doesn't want me to lose too much. We bartered for a while and finally came to a compromise. My goal will be to lose 35 pounds. I might link to the site from here, but I have a pic of both of us up, so I don't know how comfortable I feel about that.

So, have a wonderful evening and if you can, eat some ice cream for me!

** Updated to add that I am a moron and Maggie has NOT in fact changed the name of her site, it is still Mighty Maggie. She's just become a slave to the nap and the gigantic pacifier. I miss the flamingos.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008


We interupt the writing of a much more intersting post to say that I ovulated.
Usher in the hope and the Pr*metrium.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

New Year, New You.

Well, a new me anyway. I've been on vacation since the Friday before Christmas and one of the rules of my vacation was no computer. It was hard, but I managed. It helps that I have dial-up at home and it takes FOREVER to open any webpage. I missed a lot of good blog stuff. And played mad catch-up yesterday while I should have been catching up on a week and a half's worth of actual what-I-do-for-a-living work. But the blogging was much, much more interesting.

Christmas was different for me this year. For the first time in my life, I missed Christmas at my parents house. Mr. Sparky and I decided that it was just too much to shuffle from one family to the other and then drive two hours home in time for him to start his first shift Christmas night, so we had our own family Christmas. We went to church Christmas Eve and came home and watched movies, staying up late so he could get his internal clock set for working nights. We spent Christmas day not doing much of anything. In fact, I can't really remember what we did so it couldn't have been too exciting! We did not get gifts for each other this year and I thought I would be ok with that. Gifts are not what the season is about for us, it's about the birth of Christ. But for some reason, when there was nothing to unwrap Christmas Eve or the next morning, there was a twinge of sadness. I really wanted something to unwrap, Mr. Sparky usually gets me something little even when we say we aren't doing gifts. Even though we just spent $750 removing four tons of concrete from our back yard and that really broke Santa's spending account, I guess after 27 years of opening gifts on Christmas Eve I've been conditioned to want that. Hmm.

Mr. Sparky has been working nights since Christmas night and it really isn't that bad. He goes to work around 7:30 p.m. and gets home around 6:00 a.m. What's nice is that he can check on from our drive way since we live only 30 minutes from where his area is right now instead of having to leave at 7:00 to check in on time. So far he loves his new job! He has had several arrests and lots of great learning opportunities. The only downside is that it has been COLD here at night - somewhere between 11-20 degrees. I know that's not too cold to some of you, but man, doing traffic stops at 3:00 in the morning, wind blowing and it's only 11 degrees outside is cold. And I haven't been sleeping very well with him gone. I hear every noise the stupid house makes, and of course it's an intruder every time. Except that the dogs never seem to think so, and I'm more inclined to trust their instincts than my own. In fact, I've been up since 2:30 this morning. Did you know that Little House on the Prairie is really quite interesting at 3:00 a.m? Neither did I.

So I really have nothing of substance to write about today. Except that we sat down the other night and wrote out our goals for 2008. Neither of us really believe in New Year's Resolutions, we break them by my birthday (January 13, for those who are interested). We did make one gigantic stride - we picked a date to turn in our adoption application. We originally had decided that the first of the year, once he was out of the academy, would be the perfect time. But of course we barely have the $50.00 application fee saved let alone the $1500.00 we need for the home study and classes. So on June 30 (or July 31, I can't remember right now, I've been up for 8 hours already and it's only 9:30) we are turning in our application. The reason we chose that date was we are giving ourselves six cycles on Cl*mid and that will be the end of the last cycle. We really hope the Cl*mid works, but of course there must be a plan B. I guess though, that this would be plan C or D at this point. Funny how things don't work out the way you want them to.

I can feel my brain turning to mush and I still have 7 hours of actual work to get done, so hopefully I will post more this year, and be a little more cheerier. I'm starting to hate hanging out with myself so I can't imagine how I must sound to those who aren't able to hear the justifications going on in my head. Have a wonderful Wednesday. Wait, no, it's Thursday (so confused with the holidays and all).