Jobs and Houses

I turned in my 27th application today. I also got an interview for Friday. One interview for 27 applications.

Crazy.

We started the loan modification process last week (4-5 months it will take if they can even help us) and Friday we are meeting with our Realtors to put our home on the market. I doubt it will sell, even as a short sale, but we need to do something to protect ourselves from a foreclosure.

So far everyone in our close circle of friends and family has been really supportive. Except for my MIL. We talked to her on Mother's Day and updated her on what is going on (except for putting the house on the market, we just decided that Monday and aren't going to tell you quite yet) and she totally flipped her lid.

We explained that we only have enough money to pay for one more month of bills and after that we will stop paying the mortgage and pay our other bills. We also told her we were OK with where this is all going, and by OK I mean not ready to throw ourselves off of a bridge OK, she is not. She told me I need to look harder for a job and that even a job making $5/hr is better than nothing and that would at least help. We told her I was looking and haven't heard from anyone and even if I were to get a job making what I was before (NOT LIKELY) we still would not be able to pay the mortgage.

She hasn't returned any of our phone calls this week. It's really quite sad that she is so upset by this. I understand her being concerned because we are her children. I think she is taking it a bit too far though. The main issue is that we are Christians and she is not - therefore we make our decisions based on the bible and prayer and she doesn't. She doesn't understand anything that we are doing. We both feel, as do my parents and friends, that we are being pro-active and trying everything we can not to go into foreclosure. She sees this as being irresponsible.

Even if we were able to keep the house, we would more than likely not be able to sell within the next 10-15 years. The market here has crashed so badly and is still bounding lower that it wouldn't make much sense. We are already $75,000 upside down in our house and things aren't looking better right now.

We know that God has a plan for this and we feel like we are doing everything we can (I am looking for a job daily, we are making good faith efforts to pay our bills and have gotten several processes started to save the house) and whatever happens will happen. It's just sad that she is taking this so personally that she can't even talk to us right now.

We are both doing ok with all of this, not great, but ok. It's never a fun prospect to lose your home. But in reality it is just stuff and we cannot take stuff with us when we die. Nor were we put here on earth just to accumulate stuff. I keep repeating to mr. sparky that it doesn't matter where we live or how many cars we have or how much xtra stuff we can afford. As long as we are together and we are doing well, that is all that matters.

Mish Mash

All you get today is a bunch of jumble.

I still have not found a job. I have applied to over 20 positions and not heard one thing. And you know what? I'm ok with this. And Mr. Sparky is 75% ok with this (which is an improvement from 25%, so I will take it!).

Last week was one of the best weeks we've had since we were married. There was no stress, we didn't argue once!, we spent all our time together laughing and cuddling and just BEING together. It was wonderful. Mr. Sparky even said he liked me being home.

I think the best part is that I am at peace with not having a job. Oh, don't get me wrong. I have been working for fifteen years and part of my mind is screaming at me to be DOING SOMETHING FOR MONEY. ANYTHING**. But that part is minuscule compared to the part of me that is loving this.

Domesticity. It is a good fit for me. Last night at bible study the men were asked what made their wives good wives and Mr. Sparky said that I am a great housewife. That I take good care of him and that the past week has made him realize how much I really do around the house. there is nothing I would have asked to hear in place of that. Knowing that he loves having me home, even with a major financial crisis about the strike our household. I feel that this is where I should have been a long time ago.

Now I don't know what God has in store. I am dutifully applying for jobs left and right and if he wants me to have a job he will provide one. If not, I am fully OK with that.

School is out of the question - we were denied on the loan. Which is good, since God has a plan and all.

Now for M. M was our birth mom. We were matched and then exactly one month later she changed her mind (well, the ex-boyfriend changed her mind, but that's neither here nor there). It was devastating but after a week it was ok. I have been praying for the three of them sporadically ever since. But thankfully they haven't been weighing on my mind, not the ever present ghosts I thought they would be.

Until last week. I cannot get her out of my head. Not the baby, not the ex, but her. For some reason God has planted her firmly on my heart to be praying for her, and hard. So I have been. Of course I've been throwing in prayers for the ex and the baby, they are a package deal and I truly want the best for them, but it has been her specifically that I feel so strongly to pray for.

Now don't think that I still have a hope that this baby is ours. We signed off the love connection long ago. But I still care about them. Because that's what we are supposed to do as Christians, care about others. Especially since their circumstances are so very difficult. I can't help but wonder why all of a sudden I am to be praying for her and why she won't leave my mind. I'm sure some of it has to do with the fact that two babies were born within 15 hours of each other last week or that her due date is quickly approaching(June 25 - same as Rebekah's!). It's an odd situation. One I never thought I'd be in. Praying for a woman who has no relation to me who is carrying a child that might have once been ours but isn't.

I cleaned out the nursery over the weekend. I took the bedding off (I'm selling it so I can make my own) and put everything that was out away. It's just too hard to look at sometimes. I would have taken the crib apart but Mr. Sparky stopped me. There are certain things that make him feel better along this journey. For instance, the crib. And the high chair that has been in our dining room for almost a year. We brought it out for friends and he wouldn't let me put it away. It's his security blanket, or reminder that we ARE supposed to be parents and that one day it will happen. I love him for that.

I hate my hair. It needs to be cut and I can't afford it. I want to go shorter, but am afraid to. My hair requires a lot of work with short hair and I am afraid that we will get a baby and then I will always look a disaster because I won't have time nor care to fix my hair.

That was a very shallow paragraph. I told you this would be jumble.


**I won't do ANYTHING for money. My husband actually suggested that I could be his personal hooker and I could make money that way. He failed to truly think that through. He would be paying me with OUR money. Men, not so bright when they think with the wrong organ!

Stress is the Enemy

Last Monday I woke up to an extremely angry case of eczema on my hands. That only happens when I'm stressed. Sunday night I got my period.

There was a mixture of sadness and relief, but mostly relief. I know that if God wants us to have a baby right now it would be ok. But I am still without a job and there will be no school this May so basically I have nothing - no income no future career.

And I am ok with this. I have started an Et.sy shop and once I get pictures taken of my items I will link to it here. Hopefully this will bring in some extra cash. If not, it will still be fun for me.

Yesterday I went into work and thought on my way up the elevator, "Wouldn't it be nice if they let me go today instead of finishing out the next two weeks?" An hour and 15 minutes later I was out the door. They decided last week that it was too hard and knew that I was stressed about not finding a job so they let me go but are still paying me for those next two weeks.

It will be interesting to see what happens. I don't want another office job, I've been doing that for 15 years and I'm ready for a change. We'll see, God has his own plans. In the mean time I am going to work on my stress levels.

What are friends for?

I'm going to ask you a question. Because I value your input and because I have spent the last half hour searching the internet for the answer and have been more than saddened for our species as I read the message boards at some very popular website. The spelling! Oh the spelling!!

Now this is where I feel like a newby, someone who hasn't been on this roller coaster for a really long time. So bear with me as I feel some shame in asking such a silly question.

I am late. Really, really late. Five days late and that has never before happened in my 18 years of having my period. I am also having cramps like you wouldn't believe. Regular, wonderful PMS. That started on Wednesday.

I told Mr. Sparky I wasn't going to take a test until Wednesday(next Wednesday, such restraint!) but he left me alone this morning with the one remaining pregnancy test I found buried in the back of my bathroom cabinet. And it was CALLING MY NAME. Nessa - Pee on me, ppeeeeeeooooonnnnmeeeeeee Nessa. Crappy little test.

So I peed on it. Of course. What self respecting woman wouldn't? Plus it had been a really long time since I peed on anything in stick form. Or anything for that matter.

Then, with my self respect fully in tact, I hid it. It was also negative. No big shocker there, I'm used to that.

I did however come clean when he got home. It was too hard not to.

So here is what I am asking of you - can you please come over and play with my hair while I curl up in a puddling ball of mush? And whisper sweet nothings into my ear, telling me that this is normal and not at all weird and that the pain I feel is just regular cramping and that my period will start any day now?

Thanks, I knew I could count on you.

Vacation

Sorry about the run on paragraph toward the bottom, I can't seem to figure out why Blogger wont work! Oh. I weight myself this morning and am 1 pound shy of my starting weight. Stupid food.

I ran away, literally. And it was nice.

Mr. Sparky's 32nd birthday was the 14th and I surprised him with a grand vacation. Well...maybe not grand, but it was amazing and it was just us.

We went to White.Sands National Monument and Carlsbad.Caverns in New Mexico. We logged almost 1300 miles in four days but it was so worth it.


This was my answer to Mr. Sparky's - he wrote "I love you Nessa" in the sand, but the wind was so bad by the time he finished the I love you had already been covered with sand.



The sand dunes went on forever, I can't remember the exact amount of mileage it covered, but you could not see the end. And it sits smack dab in the middle of a 4000 acres of military base. It was a beautiful site.

This picture makes me thing of Alaska. The buses precariously parked on thick ice and the shacks are the only warmth. It was windy, but the sun was out so it was bearable. We only stayed for a short while, maybe an hour and a half including the visitors center, I wish we had been able to stay longer.

There are too many pictures of the caverns to decide which would be best to show you, but it was beautiful. It was a hike down, 1.5 miles straight down into the cave and then another 1.5 miles around the inside. It's cool though, they have a snack bar and restrooms on the bottom and an elevator to take your weary behind 750 feet back to the surface.

The weather there is a constant 56 degrees and 90% humidity. By the time we got to the top, mu perfectly straightened hair looked like a poodle gone haywire. But it was worth it. We took our time and for a while it was just the two of us climbing down the steep path, holding hands and quietly laughing at the crazy formations. There was one that looked like a boob, nipple and all. Of course Mr. Sparky wanted me to take a picture of it, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. By that time too many people had gathered and I wasn't going to be the only one taking a picture of the "boob".

I wish I could say that the job search was going as well as the vacation had. I have applied to six positions. I haven't heard from 4, one is no longer being filled and the sixth? Apparently I am not qualified or fit the requirements to work at Jo-Anns. That was a real ego squasher. I would have applied for more, but the sickness that visited me on April 3rd is still lingering, plus being on vacation, plus being terrified of my unfinished resume had led to a block. A block that has required me to rely on God because I certainly am not going to be able to do this on my own. I also need to rely on him because there are NO jobs where I live. None. And I'm pretty sure I won't qualify for unemployment due to the circumstances of my leaving the company. I'll explain later, right now thinking about it makes me nauseous.

We will more than likely lose the house as we are $400.00 in the hole WITH my job and our meager savings has dwindled down from two months of living expenses to a whopping $1200 which won't even cover one months mortgage payment. We have started the hardship process with our lenders, but we are trying to get a student loan to go through so we are holding off on sending in the paper work lest the student loan people and the mortgage people talk too soon.

I don't know where this puts us on the adoption front. We will not take our profile off the list, but we dont' know what will happen either. Obviously my loss of income puts us in a different financial situation and our more than likely change of venue may necessitate an update on the home study, but since our caseworker is still MIA, I have no idea what will happen. And it is hard to explain to people why we have over $8,000 in the bank but can't touch it. It's technically not ours.

Plus I'm late. I'm assuming it's stress related and not pregnancy related but it's hard not to go there. Mr. Sparky and I were joking the other night that I wouldn't be able to find a job and we would lose the house only to find myself pregnant. Stupid joke. I find myself tottering between fear and total reliance on God. Totally human of course, but scary nonetheless. I keep thinking we ill need to move in with family, or move to a totally different state (probably TX, since we've done some research and they will take MR. Sparky's certification and most agencies starting pay is $5000 more than he makes now and the housing market is ridiculously cheap). That scares me.

Except I'm not scared. I know that probably doesn't make sense, especially to those who think reliance on God is a waste of energy, but I don't. I know he will provide, that this fire we are going through burns badly now but will be only a distant flame hopefully in the not so distant future. I can't wait to see what we will look like after we've made it through the refining fire.

We've been struggling these last few days and yesterday we read Job. A man, the most righteous and faithful man, who lost everything including his family yet he continued to praise God. It was just what we needed to hear and that comforts me to know that if God can provide the right reading material at the right time then he can certainly provide the right answers to our most precarious positions we've gotten ourselves into.