Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Ice Breaker

It's always a little nerve wracking walking into a room of strangers. This is that room for me. How do I introduce myself? What is it that you all want to know, and how much do I share (A little neurosis is running rampant this morning)?

I was married almost three years ago to Mr. Sparky. He is fantastic and the man of my dreams. He works for the local law enforcement agency and loves his job. I manage a law firm(not as impressive as it sounds, there are only two lawyers and myself) and for the first time since I started working 12 years ago, I LOVE my job.

We have two darling puppies who more than likely will not be living by the time the week ends unless they straiten up. Austin is a 1.5 yr old Shepherd/Pointer mix and was the best behaved dog until Jax joined the family last month. Jax is a 5 mth old Catahoula hound and his only saving grace is he is the cutes damn thing either one of us has ever seen! And I mean that, it's not just proud mama speak - he truly is the cutest thing ever. He is a monster - we will be ripping out the carpet in our house and laying tile shortly due to the fact that Jax cannot be house trained. I think he could if he weren't so stubborn, but sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a teenager. No respect I tell ya.

My family is wonderful. We are very close and love each other beyond words. I am the youngest and only girl - go ahead, say it - I know you want to - PRINCESS!!!! And you might just be correct. My brothers still think I'm a princess and there is a little truth to that. My mom and I are very close, although any more than 3 days spent in the same house together and I'm ready to kill. It's a good thing they live 2 hours away. Now, my in-laws - that's an entire post in it's self!

We started trying around our one year anniversary and so far nothing. We've been poked and prodded, pinched and pulled. We've both been cleared by every professional this side of the Mississippi(not really, remind me to post about the lack of medical expertise or medical anything here in podunk). I've even been cut open(not for infertility, I've got a whole host of other lovely medical mysteries) and that revealed beautiful, perfectly functioning ovaries. In short - we are unexplained.

There has been a torrent of tears, frustrations and most of all - anger at my husband for being so ok with everything that's been going on. It's hard to understand why this isn't the most important thing for my husband when it's the thing I've wanted more than anything since I can remember. From the time I was 2 I would point at babies passing by and be totally enthralled. Whatever I was doing at the moment faded into darkness as I focused solely on the baby. Nothing has really changed. I can be having a conversation with someone and come to a dead halt, my entire body sometimes turning to follow the little one that has captured my attention. My friends have gotten used to it, others who don't know what's going on tend to think I'm rude. That's ok - let them. Their uteri(not sure, but if it's cacti why not uteri?) work fine, mine for some reason doesn't want to.

Just last weekend Mr. Sparky and I went to an adoption information meeting for the only Christian adoption agency in the state. We've both talked about adoption, even before the trying game began. Mr. Sparky is adopted (thank goodness for adoption, some people's genes should NOT be passed on!) and we always new that some day we would venture down that path. We just didn't realize that it would be the start and not the end to the family we both so badly want.

We are Christians, and therefore believe that God has a hand in deciding whether or not we are blessed with a biological child. I've been reading blogs long enough to know that this is a touchy subject. I've never gotten in anyone's face and said, "You there - with the screwed up lady bits and the manly things that don't work right - God is punishing you." That's just not the way I play, but please do respect my beliefs and my feelings. I have no tolerance for people who "stir the pot" just to do so. This is my blog and if you dont' like what I have to say, hit the highway and find someone else's feathers to ruffle.(my appologies for all the cliche's, not intentional, it's late and I'm tired).

Well, that was longer than anticipated. I hope to be able to share this to whoever wants to read. My life isn't as exciting as some, I'm not as good of a writer as others, serious props to Arwen -love that girl's writing(and when I figure out how to link, I will) and I do not have as many answer's as Moxie, yet someday I will for I read her religiously.

1 comment:

Dooneybug said...

That's a perfect way to introduce yourself. Just wait, blogging will be so therapeutic for you!!

It's my personal belief that unexplained infertility is the most difficult to deal with because there is no finger to point and no certain action to take. You're left wondering why, why, why??? I remember when we were going through testing just hoping something would be wrong instead of everything looking normal, that way we'd know what to "fix".

My heart goes out to you. The desire to be a parent is one of the strongest urges I've ever known. And you especially have felt that way all your life!!

Like you say, God has a plan for you and I have no doubt with the love you already have for your child that doesn't even exist yet, that one day, some how, you're going to be a mommy!!