I want to thank all of you for your kind words. It's so nice to have so much support from so many!
We are doing fine, in fact by Monday we had processed everything and new that we would be ok. Our new caseworker called Tuesday night and I spent 45 minutes telling her all our grievances of the past year and she was wonderful. She apologized for not telling us, she didn't know that was her job (she is new and wasn't sure when she would be taking over our case so there was a TON of miscommunication throughout the agency) and I told her we weren't upset with her, just with how everything in general has been handled.
I explained our frustrations with our previous caseworker and L (new caseworker) explained she does things differently than E (old caseworker). L has been in the business for a very.long.time. I feel very comfortable with her and so far she seems to be very accessible.
We have made the decision to go ahead and change our profile to be shown to mothers with bi-racial babies. Although we were told this would insure we were shown more frequently (they seem to be having an influx of bi-racial babies at the moment) this wasn't the reason we decided to go that way.
After much consideration and prayer, we decided that God is definitely moving us into that direction, and who are we to say no to God. I've done that too many times in the past to know not to do that anymore, no matter how unsure of His road we are.
We've had several people (outside of the adoption/infertility world, aka real life people) ask us why we aren't mad at the parents. I actually had to stop one friend from becoming belligerent in her anger towards the parents. There is NO WAY we could ever be mad at them and I don't think the outside people in our lives get that. And that to me is sad. These two are just kids! There is no way they could be expected to make adult decisions at a time like this. Adults really couldn't even be expected to make adult decisions in this situation.
During my conversation to L she told me she was meeting with the mother the next day and I asked if she would tell her that we weren't mad at them and that we still care for them and that we are praying for them. I know that our words will not change their outlook and that we are not responsible for their reactions or choices, but we wanted them to know that we still care a great deal for them, even if this child was not meant to be ours.
Everyone said from day one that this match was from God. And I don't doubt that He had a hand in this. The way I see it now is that we were used by Him to get these two into counseling, into support. There is still a possibility that this could be our child. There is still 18 weeks until this baby is born, more than enough time for them to change their minds back and forth a million times. We don't want to force the issue, in fact we will no longer have contact with them. But we are not closing the door to this baby, we are praying for his/her safety and health as well as the mom's.
We have been taken off of the hold list and put back in the pool. If we aren't matched before this baby is born and the parents decided at the end that they still want us to be the parents, we will gladly welcome this baby into our home. But we will not be waiting by the phone. L has already promised us that she will not call us every time they change their mind. Which is good. We had already decided that if they do still want us to be the parents, we don't want to know until after the baby is born. To give them time to meet the baby and truly make the decision without us being there as a distraction, or make them feel threatened in any way.
We know that someday we will be parents, God has made that very clear to us. We just need to trust in Him and rely upon Him and know that in His time, not ours. But isn't that what faith is all about? Relying and trusting even the things seem to be falling apart? It's been hard, but we know that is what He wants.