Sunday, July 5, 2009

Post 4th of July Post and Some Random Negativity

While I am a very patriotic person and I love my country dearly, the 4th of July just doesn't hold the same spark it used to. I was reading Maggie's quick takes today and she and I are in a similar boat.

Mr Sparky had to work and we had friends who were having everyone over for ice cream and fireworks, but the dog is terrified of the noise and we live so close to the park where they set them off that our whole house shakes and he ends up cowering under the table. Last night he hid in the bathroom and wouldn't come out until I went in there and sat with him. Poor thing.

While I have been trying to keep the positive going on over here (two whole posts! look at me!) yesterday was a difficult day. I don't' know if anyone else dealing with infertility and whatnot ever feels this way, but it is so difficult putting on a freaking happy face when people ask how things are going. And you know why we do this? Because they really don't care about the emotional side, they just want to know when the BABY will be here because it feels like forever and they just want to see us with a baby.

Two weeks ago, Mr. Sparky got baptized and the pastor who did it is the same pastor we went to to see if the church had any additional funding or a program for adoption assistance. So he knows the whole shebang. Well. He got himself a little confused while we were up at the baptism spa (yes, our church baptizes in a spa) and announced before the whole church that we had an amazing story and that God has built our family in an amazing way. Implying that we had already gotten a child. And I wasn't about to correct him in front of 1000 people. So I smiled and Mr. Sparky smiled.

Yesterday (we go to church on Saturday nights) at church this same pastor walked up to us and didn't quite apologize for the gaffe, but told us many people came up to him that night and asked if we were pregnant(and by the pics I did look a little second trimesterish, thank you horizontal stripes and sodium!) and said no, we were in the adoption process and a bunch of people asked for our names so they could pray for us. Which is good. And cool, because we need all the prayer we can get.

But last night, it was the most gut wrenching experience having to keep a freaking positive attitude and say, "Yes, all in Gods timing, blah blah blah, just waiting for the right baby, already been waiting this long a few more waits won't matter as long as it's Gods plan".

I had to leave church early yesterday. I couldn't even sing, and that is MY worship time. That is when I feel the closest to God and I couldn't open my mouth. Of course the sermon was on Isaiah 40:30-31 - Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

The whole chapter of 40 is amazing, it describes God in ways that make you realize just how big he is and that he is in control and that he knows the names of EVERY.SINGLE.STAR. in the universe and if he knows their names he truly knows the desires of my heart, of his child. And yet, while I could understand the words and grasps that truth intellectually, my heart was totally on the opposite side of that realm. And I got angry at God. Again.

We ended up sitting with some friends who sit in the "Baby Section" (closest to the exit in case of a crying child) and right behind us where a couple (our chiropractor actually) who had a baby 7 months ago. I can remember him telling us they were pregnant, it was quite a surprise as their two boys where 7 and 9, and he said we must hate people like them because they get pregnant on accident and we can't. And it didn't sound so crappy when he said it, truly, but when I saw them last night the baby looked so big and I asked how old he was and I could see on her face the pity when she told me how old he was. That look of, wow, he's seven months already and you still don't have a baby.

And that is what I thought about all through church. I'm tired of judging time by other peoples children and pregnancies. I'm tired of putting on a happy face when people ask how it's going, because that is what they expect. They don't want to hear about the pain and the emotion. They only want to hear that we're just waiting on God and his timing is best.

I wish we had never told anyone about any of this. It would have been much easier to field the "Why aren't you having children" comments than the "When will you get a baby" ones.

This process sucks and God's timing, while it is the best thing, sucks even more.


G & H said...

Nessa I totally had the same kind of day except I just avoided meeting with anyone because of the questions...but then i still felt sad because July 4th is about families to which I dont have one ( not of my own yet at least) and its weird i know mother's day, christmas is hard but the 4th of july really? well yes it was

I am so sorry you had a sad day adn how hoard it is to try and always be positive when people ask and what not so we'll hang in there semi together via the blogging world and pray for one another!!!!

Our Family said...

Nessa, I totally get it. Infertility stinks, and the only ones who truly do get it are the ones who are going through it or have gone through it.

So there with you girl. Putting on that happy face gets harder and harder when you're having a bad IF day. We have adopted a son, and people think that somehow adopting just fixes the deep hurt of infertility, but it doesn't. It's still there, just different.

Thinking of you today...I know He might seem far away, but God is with you and He hurts when you hurt. He has a plan for you.