I just wanted to take the time to thank you for screwing us over. You have done your job very efficiently.
The hoops you made us jump through for the last four months have been educational and full of growth. I had looked forward to the next few months of your cleverly titled "Trial Period", but am sad that it looks as if we will not get to finish our journey together.
I thought it was so smart to call our home with a recorded voice saying, "Please hold for the next available operator, this call is important." That was sly, acting like a telemarketer. It's a good thing that after the tenth call I got so fed up that I actually waited for the representative to come on the line. And it was a good thing that I did. I would have never had the opportunity to speak with Dumb in the Idiot Department.
It was great that she was calling to tell me our next payment was due on the first and that you didn't require any more documentation from us, seeing as how the two vials of blood and my left kidney we sent you seemed to suffice. It was also a pleasure listening to her go down the list of requirements and then realizing that we were no longer in your "Trial Period". This is were I thought the conversation got really interesting.
I also want to thank you for hiring Dumb's counterpart, Dumber, in the Amazingly Incompetent Department. I keep chuckling to myself every time I think about that duo. You truly have outdone yourself in the training of your employees, what with the "I don't knows" and my all time favorite, "Maybe we'll be able to get you back on the program, but I can't make any guarantees".
And your speedy service is unmatchable! Really, 48 hours to even view an e-mail sent from inside your own company! I am speechless. I am really quite pleased that you will not be able to tell us whether or not we will re-qualified (that is just PRICELESS, re qualified!) for the program by Friday, since I love working under pressure and our supposed next payment would be due just 5 short days after that. And two of those would be the weekend! Oh, how I hold my jolly belly and chuckle at that.
I would like to suggest a few improvements though. If the due date is, let's say, the 5th of the month and you receive the payment on the 4th, it might not be in your customers best interest to hold onto that payment until the 7th. But that's just a suggestion, who am I to tell your wonderfully efficient company how to handle payments. You may want to tell people the date is a few days BEFORE it is actually due if you are going to screw everyone.
I will sleep so well this week knowing that all the hard work we did these past few months seems to have been in vain and that the fate of our home sways in the balance while you decide to get a mani/pedi or a latte in the next 48 hours. I couldn't dare ask you to read an e-mail about our situation without those comforts.
Hugs and Smooches,
Mr. Sparky & Nessa
P.S. I almost forgot! The cherry on top was receiving our mortgage statement today stating you hadn't received ANY payments at all from us and that we are delinquent and to kindly fork over more money than a five week cruise to the Mediterranean. *&^% YOU and Thanks.