It is raining.
Pouring.
It is beautiful and cold.
I cannot remember the last time it rained.
Thank you Lord for the rain, we need it badly.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Croquet and Alcohol - the two do not mix
I kept reading and re-reading my blog this morning wondering where the sorrowful post I put up yesterday had gone. Then it dawned on me that I started a post, never finished it and then commented on Mel's. I literally spent a few hours wondering what had happened to it.
So, Thanksgiving day and the greater part of Friday were great, the rest of the weekend left little to desire. I love our family, my side that is. We are warm and loving and can handle our alcohol without getting ridiculously stupid. Plus my brother C and I play a wicked game of croquet.* We ate all the requisite T-day food and drank wonderful concoctions of Cranberry vodka and 7-up and had the BEST whipped cream ever. My dad's boss and his family came and he made the best whipped cream - cream, Kahlua, nutmeg, Cinnamon - yummmmmm.
We were back to my parents house by 6:30 and all of us( us, my parents and my kick-butt auntie and uncle I never get to see) were trying to figure out how much longer we had to stay awake. What a sad bunch. Friday my mom and aunt and I spent the morning shopping (it was my first Black Friday as a shopper and it wasn't too bad. We only had to leave one store because it was a zoo), had lunch with my SIL and headed back to my parents house where the boys were up to no good. They had stopped at BevMo! (! was not my idea, it's in the name) and bought a bunch of cordials. When I opened the front door all I could smell was booze! It was hysterical.
My MIL had Friday off, but being in retail and it being very SLOW for her right now, she thought she might have to go in. She was going to call us to let us know what the plan was. So it's three o'clock and we still haven't heard from her. Mr. Sparky called her and she asked where we had been! She had been waiting for us most of the afternoon!! So a few deep breaths and a shot of Strawberry Pucker and we were off for a night full of drunken MIL's, weird fiance's (her's) and some very jet lagged gay men. It was interesting. Let's just say all we did the whole time we were there (besides me partaking of some adult beverages) was clean and work. That's all we ever do over there. But I digress. All in all a good time was had and we left by 8:30.
That evening I got a phone call from our elderly neighbors saying our dogs were out and we needed to come home. I told her we were in Phx and even if we did come home (it takes two hrs to get home) the people watching our dogs would get them. She told me she would call animal control if we didn't get it taken care of. So I told her fine, let me call the neighbors watching the dogs (whom I was told they did not know and did not approve of. what?) and if I couldn't get a hold of them to call Animal Control. I got a hold of the dog watchers and they took care of it. Saturday, we got a call saying the dogs were out again. This time it was from the dog watchers and they were saying our elderly neighbors were standing in their driveway yelling at them saying they were going to call the cops. It's not like we just let our dogs run nilly, or haven't tried to solve the problem of them getting out. We just have really smart dogs.
So Sunday morning finds us not going to church(which we probably really should have) and putting up an electrical fence all the way around our property. It really wasn't that bad, it only took a couple of hours and was really easy. We humans can barely feel anything, but the dogs, oh boy the dogs, they can feel it quite well. Personally I think they are being wussies. It was a little heartbreaking the first time Jax saw two little girls walking by and jumped up on the fence. He cried so loud I wanted to cry. But then I got over it and neither dog will go near the fence. Hence they will no longer be getting out of the yard. Unless they learn to fly, then I will need to be put into a padded cell.
So all in all, it really wasn't a bad weekend. A lot has been going on in the home front. Mr. Sparky and I are having a lot of problems, mostly stemming from this stupid academy (He graduates next Friday!!) and some pre-existing issues we both brought to the marriage. So tomorrow night we are meeting with some friends (he's a pastor) to discuss some of the issues going on and hopefully get everything straightened out. I love my husband, but we are in the deepest pit we've ever been in and it's scary. I want to be really happy again, it's just going to take a lot of dedication and work from us both.
I have another post about my mom that I started Tuesday and hopefully will finish it soon. Poor thing has had a very tough couple of weeks.
* I played horribly. It might have been the drinking, by that time I had had quite a few Cranberry vodkas and 7-up's. Usually I am quite the little croquet-er.
So, Thanksgiving day and the greater part of Friday were great, the rest of the weekend left little to desire. I love our family, my side that is. We are warm and loving and can handle our alcohol without getting ridiculously stupid. Plus my brother C and I play a wicked game of croquet.* We ate all the requisite T-day food and drank wonderful concoctions of Cranberry vodka and 7-up and had the BEST whipped cream ever. My dad's boss and his family came and he made the best whipped cream - cream, Kahlua, nutmeg, Cinnamon - yummmmmm.
We were back to my parents house by 6:30 and all of us( us, my parents and my kick-butt auntie and uncle I never get to see) were trying to figure out how much longer we had to stay awake. What a sad bunch. Friday my mom and aunt and I spent the morning shopping (it was my first Black Friday as a shopper and it wasn't too bad. We only had to leave one store because it was a zoo), had lunch with my SIL and headed back to my parents house where the boys were up to no good. They had stopped at BevMo! (! was not my idea, it's in the name) and bought a bunch of cordials. When I opened the front door all I could smell was booze! It was hysterical.
My MIL had Friday off, but being in retail and it being very SLOW for her right now, she thought she might have to go in. She was going to call us to let us know what the plan was. So it's three o'clock and we still haven't heard from her. Mr. Sparky called her and she asked where we had been! She had been waiting for us most of the afternoon!! So a few deep breaths and a shot of Strawberry Pucker and we were off for a night full of drunken MIL's, weird fiance's (her's) and some very jet lagged gay men. It was interesting. Let's just say all we did the whole time we were there (besides me partaking of some adult beverages) was clean and work. That's all we ever do over there. But I digress. All in all a good time was had and we left by 8:30.
That evening I got a phone call from our elderly neighbors saying our dogs were out and we needed to come home. I told her we were in Phx and even if we did come home (it takes two hrs to get home) the people watching our dogs would get them. She told me she would call animal control if we didn't get it taken care of. So I told her fine, let me call the neighbors watching the dogs (whom I was told they did not know and did not approve of. what?) and if I couldn't get a hold of them to call Animal Control. I got a hold of the dog watchers and they took care of it. Saturday, we got a call saying the dogs were out again. This time it was from the dog watchers and they were saying our elderly neighbors were standing in their driveway yelling at them saying they were going to call the cops. It's not like we just let our dogs run nilly, or haven't tried to solve the problem of them getting out. We just have really smart dogs.
So Sunday morning finds us not going to church(which we probably really should have) and putting up an electrical fence all the way around our property. It really wasn't that bad, it only took a couple of hours and was really easy. We humans can barely feel anything, but the dogs, oh boy the dogs, they can feel it quite well. Personally I think they are being wussies. It was a little heartbreaking the first time Jax saw two little girls walking by and jumped up on the fence. He cried so loud I wanted to cry. But then I got over it and neither dog will go near the fence. Hence they will no longer be getting out of the yard. Unless they learn to fly, then I will need to be put into a padded cell.
So all in all, it really wasn't a bad weekend. A lot has been going on in the home front. Mr. Sparky and I are having a lot of problems, mostly stemming from this stupid academy (He graduates next Friday!!) and some pre-existing issues we both brought to the marriage. So tomorrow night we are meeting with some friends (he's a pastor) to discuss some of the issues going on and hopefully get everything straightened out. I love my husband, but we are in the deepest pit we've ever been in and it's scary. I want to be really happy again, it's just going to take a lot of dedication and work from us both.
I have another post about my mom that I started Tuesday and hopefully will finish it soon. Poor thing has had a very tough couple of weeks.
* I played horribly. It might have been the drinking, by that time I had had quite a few Cranberry vodkas and 7-up's. Usually I am quite the little croquet-er.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Alive
Thanksgiving was great but the weekend was not as peaceful and relaxing as I had hoped. Lots of drama on the home front. Pray for us, we're in a really rough spot right now. Mr. Sparky graduated next week, maybe that will help alleviate some of the nastiness going on.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Giving Thanks
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.
I wanted to take a moment to remind myself that I have oh so many things to be thankful for. I know that I take life WAY to seriously right now, so a little reminder that things really aren't that bad. So here are 20 things that make me smile, not necessarily in this order (except for number 1, that's always going to be number 1).
1. God's grace - without this I would truly be in trouble
2. My husband
3. My family, including my mother-in-law (She's got some great jewelry I should be very thankful about!)
4. Knowing that I'm really kidding about the jewelry, but it is a nice bonus
5. My friends
6. My house, that we own
7. The fact that I have a job
8. The fact that I am not dying, no one in my close circle is gravely ill, and my aunt is recovering quite nicely from a knee replacement (you rock Auntie Cecil)
9. Autumn
10. The smell of turkey roasting away in my mother's oven
11. Knowing that whenever I need it I have at least 10 people who will let me cry on their shoulder
12. My husband (I mentioned him already, right?)
13. My curly hair - and the ability to make it straight whenever I want. It truly is the best of both worlds
14. Beef Stroganoff (my all time favorite meal. We never, ever eat this enough. And spell check wants to make it stroking which makes me giggle like a little boy - Beef Stroking, hehe)
15. My dogs
16. I have never had to suffer the immense grief of losing a child. I would much rather be in my position than to ever lose a child
17. Pumpkin. Anything.
18. Sunsets, especially in AZ. I don't care what anyone says - we have the best ones(partly because of the polution, but that's neither here nor there)
19. Warm, fuzzy slippers
20. Zoo lights - if you are from AZ you know what I'm talking about. Although they've gotten kind of chintzy the last couple of years(I used to work there as a costumed character, before they got cheap, it was great. Maybe I'll post a picture of me as a spotted bear or a frog. I miss that job).
Have a wonderful Turkey day and try to remember that through the hurt and the pain that we are dealing with, there is always one thing(if not more) that we have to be grateful about.
*** I feel the need to set this scene for you. I am sitting at home in a wing backed chair watching the fire roar as it snows(ha!) outside while my feet are wrapped in fuzzy warmth and I am sipping a hot tottie while petting my dogs. It makes me kind of weepy. Yes, I am a dork, I know.
I wanted to take a moment to remind myself that I have oh so many things to be thankful for. I know that I take life WAY to seriously right now, so a little reminder that things really aren't that bad. So here are 20 things that make me smile, not necessarily in this order (except for number 1, that's always going to be number 1).
1. God's grace - without this I would truly be in trouble
2. My husband
3. My family, including my mother-in-law (She's got some great jewelry I should be very thankful about!)
4. Knowing that I'm really kidding about the jewelry, but it is a nice bonus
5. My friends
6. My house, that we own
7. The fact that I have a job
8. The fact that I am not dying, no one in my close circle is gravely ill, and my aunt is recovering quite nicely from a knee replacement (you rock Auntie Cecil)
9. Autumn
10. The smell of turkey roasting away in my mother's oven
11. Knowing that whenever I need it I have at least 10 people who will let me cry on their shoulder
12. My husband (I mentioned him already, right?)
13. My curly hair - and the ability to make it straight whenever I want. It truly is the best of both worlds
14. Beef Stroganoff (my all time favorite meal. We never, ever eat this enough. And spell check wants to make it stroking which makes me giggle like a little boy - Beef Stroking, hehe)
15. My dogs
16. I have never had to suffer the immense grief of losing a child. I would much rather be in my position than to ever lose a child
17. Pumpkin. Anything.
18. Sunsets, especially in AZ. I don't care what anyone says - we have the best ones(partly because of the polution, but that's neither here nor there)
19. Warm, fuzzy slippers
20. Zoo lights - if you are from AZ you know what I'm talking about. Although they've gotten kind of chintzy the last couple of years(I used to work there as a costumed character, before they got cheap, it was great. Maybe I'll post a picture of me as a spotted bear or a frog. I miss that job).
Have a wonderful Turkey day and try to remember that through the hurt and the pain that we are dealing with, there is always one thing(if not more) that we have to be grateful about.
*** I feel the need to set this scene for you. I am sitting at home in a wing backed chair watching the fire roar as it snows(ha!) outside while my feet are wrapped in fuzzy warmth and I am sipping a hot tottie while petting my dogs. It makes me kind of weepy. Yes, I am a dork, I know.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Faith part 1
Faith is a funny thing. It's easy to be 100% faithful when things are going well. Things, as you may have noticed, have not been going well. My last post was not cheerful in any way. And I may have even questioned my "amount" (used only because at this moment I cannot think of a better term) of faith. I firmly believe that I cannot lose my salvation (acceptance of Christ as my savior), that no matter what happens I will always be considered His child and be welcomed into heaven when I die (or He comes back, which ever happens first). I do however believe that one's faith can waiver, even become stagnant.
Things have been bleak lately, on all fronts. The wave of emotions on the fertility front have become crippling, exhausting, draining. I don't believe there are enough adjectives to describe the immense feelings that have been ravaging me lately. There have been days where I am a lump, I wish I could say an emotionless lump, but it seems that is not the case. I have always been an emotional woman, more so than the majority of people I know. I tend to cry very easily, even at stupid commercials(while all hormones are at an even keel as well). Everything in my life has been suffering the past few weeks. To be honest it's been months. I could justifiably be fired from my job, which at the moment would not be the worst thing to happen. I love my job, I'm just not in a good frame of mind to be able to cope with it. However, the financial would more than likely be devastating if that were to happen.
Things at home have not been the most harmonious either. We are very blessed in the fact that we do not fight like a lot of couples I know. In fact, if we do have words, voices are very rarely raised and we make sure to not go to bed angry (Ephesians 4:26-27 - In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold). For this I am grateful. I hear so many stories, even from our small group, about some of the fights, and thank God everyday that we handle our differences in a manor that is pleasing to God and healthy for us. With that said, there are other issues we are struggling with. We are not on the same page on so many issues, in fact I think that sometimes we are in completely different books. And these are things we need to work on before God can do any more work on our family. I truly believe that the reason we have not been blessed with a child yet is because we have some serious lessons to learn before we are given the greatest responsibility of raising a child. (I know many will disagree with this point of view, and that is fine. Let's just agree to disagree on this and remain kind).
Mr. Sparky left for Phx yesterday morning before the sun came up. I had no intentions of going to church and I had only gotten about three hours of sleep the night before. When I got home from dropping him off, I took a short nap with the pooches and decided I should go to church. Maybe it would be good for me. So I went, and I sang (admittedly without much passion) and I tried to listen. I even took communion, hoping that the remembrance of what Christ did for me personally would be the nudge I needed to feel anything again. That didn't work. I listened for most of the service, trying to understand how the pastor's words made any correlation to the mess that lives inside of me right now. It's hard, this monster of infertility. It makes even the joyous things, like hearing God's truth spoken to hundreds of people seem like torture. I cannot tell you what the sermon was about, or how it may have affected me. It didn't sink in at all.
And once again I felt so alone. My husband gone, no friends to talk to(by choice) and a feeling of no faith. How could I trust in a God who could make things so hard? How could I want to love someone who made me hurt and cry and be disparaged of ever having the life I want so badly? I went home and laid on the couch all afternoon. I had called the couple who lead our small group and told her I was coming. Knowing that I had made the commitment and would more than likely not back out. And I went. And it was hard. And it was the best thing I could have done.
Things have been bleak lately, on all fronts. The wave of emotions on the fertility front have become crippling, exhausting, draining. I don't believe there are enough adjectives to describe the immense feelings that have been ravaging me lately. There have been days where I am a lump, I wish I could say an emotionless lump, but it seems that is not the case. I have always been an emotional woman, more so than the majority of people I know. I tend to cry very easily, even at stupid commercials(while all hormones are at an even keel as well). Everything in my life has been suffering the past few weeks. To be honest it's been months. I could justifiably be fired from my job, which at the moment would not be the worst thing to happen. I love my job, I'm just not in a good frame of mind to be able to cope with it. However, the financial would more than likely be devastating if that were to happen.
Things at home have not been the most harmonious either. We are very blessed in the fact that we do not fight like a lot of couples I know. In fact, if we do have words, voices are very rarely raised and we make sure to not go to bed angry (Ephesians 4:26-27 - In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold). For this I am grateful. I hear so many stories, even from our small group, about some of the fights, and thank God everyday that we handle our differences in a manor that is pleasing to God and healthy for us. With that said, there are other issues we are struggling with. We are not on the same page on so many issues, in fact I think that sometimes we are in completely different books. And these are things we need to work on before God can do any more work on our family. I truly believe that the reason we have not been blessed with a child yet is because we have some serious lessons to learn before we are given the greatest responsibility of raising a child. (I know many will disagree with this point of view, and that is fine. Let's just agree to disagree on this and remain kind).
Mr. Sparky left for Phx yesterday morning before the sun came up. I had no intentions of going to church and I had only gotten about three hours of sleep the night before. When I got home from dropping him off, I took a short nap with the pooches and decided I should go to church. Maybe it would be good for me. So I went, and I sang (admittedly without much passion) and I tried to listen. I even took communion, hoping that the remembrance of what Christ did for me personally would be the nudge I needed to feel anything again. That didn't work. I listened for most of the service, trying to understand how the pastor's words made any correlation to the mess that lives inside of me right now. It's hard, this monster of infertility. It makes even the joyous things, like hearing God's truth spoken to hundreds of people seem like torture. I cannot tell you what the sermon was about, or how it may have affected me. It didn't sink in at all.
And once again I felt so alone. My husband gone, no friends to talk to(by choice) and a feeling of no faith. How could I trust in a God who could make things so hard? How could I want to love someone who made me hurt and cry and be disparaged of ever having the life I want so badly? I went home and laid on the couch all afternoon. I had called the couple who lead our small group and told her I was coming. Knowing that I had made the commitment and would more than likely not back out. And I went. And it was hard. And it was the best thing I could have done.
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