Friday, November 16, 2007

It tastes like chicken, or in my case, It feels like drowning

So I started a post, or three, the other day and have not been able to finish. I haven't been able to finish a lot of things lately. A lot has been on my mind. Weighing it down, pushing it to the bottom of the pond and I cannot seem to get it off ( I have a HUGE fear of drowning, even when someone on tv has a loss of air for any reason, my chest gets tight. It's scary).

I've been thinking a lot about our next cycles. This next one is off which I've known for ever, Mr. Sparky will be out of town and unless I want a baby with someone else, it's a good break. I thought I would be able to get a head start on the next cycle, I have an appointment with my favorite RN on the 14th, but of course I will be out of town that day and need to reschedule, which also happens to be the weekend we could be doing some baby making. So it looks as if everything will be pushed back to the January cycle.

I could go either way at this point. I have no hope anymore. I know, the name of this blog has become almost meaningless, but I think only for a while. And I don't' mean that in a bad way. Or do I? I'm confused on how I should be feeling. I want a family, but how do we go about that. Treatments or adoption? Wait or pursue? I feel as if I shouldn't try the drugs because I know nothing will happen. I'm very wishy-washy about the topic lately.

And then I wonder, am I questioning my faith in God? Am I all of a sudden no longer trusting that He has a plan for our parenthood? I haven't been to church in a while. I haven't been able to go, or more that I don't want to go. No, that's not true. I do want to go, I just don't feel like I can. Too many babies, too many people who are living the life I want to have so badly. I cannot remember the last time I opened my bible. Which is sad, I know I need to. I need to have that connection, to learn and understand what He has for me, what He wants. I want to turn away, to run and hide and say things aren't fair, stomp my feet and go play by myself. But I know that's not what I should do.

Throughout my life I have done things I know I shouldn't do. And only had it bother me a little. Now though, I know what I should be doing and it bothers me that I can't (or won't) and I don't really seem to care. I know, that doesn't make any sense. I'm not really making sense today, I think it's just a word vomit(I really, really hate that word) of stuff I need to get off my chest. I can't talk to anyone about all of this right now in my real life, so lucky you, you get to hear it all.

I want to be a mom, no question. I feel like time is slipping by, that soon I will wake up and be too old to have kids. This is ridiculous and I know that, it's just where my mind is right now. I find that I am obsessed and a little ambivalent all at the same time. Confusing, no? My poor brain and heart. One minute I feel one way and the next I've jumped ship onto one that isn't' sinking quite as fast. I guess I want to know how to continue, how this journey is going to end. And I would like to know now please. Please?

I want to do everything possible to have a child of our own, but I do not believe that anything will work. Hmmm, quite the conundrum. The infertile mind is so confusing. Good thing my husband can't take a look inside. He'd probably run away in fear.

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