I went to the ladies room today at work.
I looked in the mirror.
I was suddenly overcome with shock and doubt.
I leaned as far into the mirror as possible without smashing my face into it.
I found a gray hair.
I am only 28.
I had never feared the gray hair, I had never really contemplated what I would do when I found my first (although it was certainly NOT THIS EARLY!). I sat there and stared at the colorless, wiry foe and thought about crying.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
First Emotions
We have been on this roller coaster for almost three years. I have borne the brunt of the emotional baggage in our relationship, that's just the way I'm wired. I've fretted and cried and screamed and sobbed and been really, really pissed off.
All the while my wonderful, strong husband has stood beside me. Strong as stone. Up until recently (and I mean recently, like the past few weeks) it used to bug me to no end that Mr. Sparky didn't share his emotions. This led me to believe that he had none on the issue. Silly, I know, but when you are feeling so much inside that you can't label all of it, you want to know that the only person in the world who could get that feels the same way. And it really hurts when that doesn't happen.
I have seen Mr. Sparky get sad because I was sad. He absolutely hates it when I cry - he doesn't know how to fix that and it drives him nuts. I have seen him get frustrated when doctor after doctor turns out to be an absolute moron (not very difficult when you live in Podunk).
He has, from the beginning, had the positive side of the situation. He is and has always assured me that someday we will have a child. He still says, with a smile, that he will get me pregnant one day. And with that being said, I have never seen him truly hurt that we do not have the capability to create a child together. Until yesterday.
There must be something in the water at the local law enforcement watering hole. Don't you hate it when someone says that? Yeah, like it's really in the water. It's not. I can assure that it isn't. I actually (and I am NOT making this up) drank from the hose last year in hopes that I would "catch" whatever magical thing is "in the water". It didn't work.
Anyway, I digress, local law enforcement watering hole. On Mr. Sparky's shift alone out of seven of the guys who are married and of child bearing age, three have had babies within the past two months. Tuesday night Mr. Sparky stopped by one of the homes with the newest arrival to pick something up and only the wife was there with the baby. The cute little baby who was all snuggled up in mama's arms, peacefully sleeping. He told her how beautiful the baby was and as he was leaving the dad called him on his cell. Mr. Sparky told him he just left his house and the dad said, "Did you see my son? Isn't that the coolest thing ever?"
Now, I am hearing this story the next morning (he works graves) so there has been about ten hours since this has happened with many police calls and bad guys in between. Plenty of time for most of the emotion to ware off. Except, for the first time in our almost three years of trying to have a family, Mr. Sparky showed real emotions. He got teary eyed as he was telling me about the conversation with the new dad. He apparently had been fine seeing the baby, but after the conversation with the new dad, he lost it. It really hit home for him that we more than likely will never have that. Not the biological one anyway.
He got up and went out to play with the dog and I sat in the kitchen and cried because I will not be able to give my husband a son, a son that looks like him. I know that someday he will be able to brag about his son or daughter and hopefully it is sometime soon. I don't ever want to see that look of pain on my husbands face again. It was harder than I imagined and while I'm glad he finally shared his emotions with me, I don't think I was meant to bear his as well as mine. God knew what he was doing when he matched us together. I am the emotional one and he is the rock.
At least though, now I know.
All the while my wonderful, strong husband has stood beside me. Strong as stone. Up until recently (and I mean recently, like the past few weeks) it used to bug me to no end that Mr. Sparky didn't share his emotions. This led me to believe that he had none on the issue. Silly, I know, but when you are feeling so much inside that you can't label all of it, you want to know that the only person in the world who could get that feels the same way. And it really hurts when that doesn't happen.
I have seen Mr. Sparky get sad because I was sad. He absolutely hates it when I cry - he doesn't know how to fix that and it drives him nuts. I have seen him get frustrated when doctor after doctor turns out to be an absolute moron (not very difficult when you live in Podunk).
He has, from the beginning, had the positive side of the situation. He is and has always assured me that someday we will have a child. He still says, with a smile, that he will get me pregnant one day. And with that being said, I have never seen him truly hurt that we do not have the capability to create a child together. Until yesterday.
There must be something in the water at the local law enforcement watering hole. Don't you hate it when someone says that? Yeah, like it's really in the water. It's not. I can assure that it isn't. I actually (and I am NOT making this up) drank from the hose last year in hopes that I would "catch" whatever magical thing is "in the water". It didn't work.
Anyway, I digress, local law enforcement watering hole. On Mr. Sparky's shift alone out of seven of the guys who are married and of child bearing age, three have had babies within the past two months. Tuesday night Mr. Sparky stopped by one of the homes with the newest arrival to pick something up and only the wife was there with the baby. The cute little baby who was all snuggled up in mama's arms, peacefully sleeping. He told her how beautiful the baby was and as he was leaving the dad called him on his cell. Mr. Sparky told him he just left his house and the dad said, "Did you see my son? Isn't that the coolest thing ever?"
Now, I am hearing this story the next morning (he works graves) so there has been about ten hours since this has happened with many police calls and bad guys in between. Plenty of time for most of the emotion to ware off. Except, for the first time in our almost three years of trying to have a family, Mr. Sparky showed real emotions. He got teary eyed as he was telling me about the conversation with the new dad. He apparently had been fine seeing the baby, but after the conversation with the new dad, he lost it. It really hit home for him that we more than likely will never have that. Not the biological one anyway.
He got up and went out to play with the dog and I sat in the kitchen and cried because I will not be able to give my husband a son, a son that looks like him. I know that someday he will be able to brag about his son or daughter and hopefully it is sometime soon. I don't ever want to see that look of pain on my husbands face again. It was harder than I imagined and while I'm glad he finally shared his emotions with me, I don't think I was meant to bear his as well as mine. God knew what he was doing when he matched us together. I am the emotional one and he is the rock.
At least though, now I know.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Random Meme and a Belated Blogiversary Announcement
I got tagged but can't remember when or by whom. I've never done one of these before, so here goes.
1. What did you do 10 years ago?
Learned that I could make any decision I wanted, even if it was a truly terrible decision. Broke up with my first love, it was very devestating.
2. Five things from your ‘to do’ list?- Have a baby - and not necessarily one from my own womb, finish painting the inside of my house (it has only been two years since I started!), lose 40 lbs, run a marathon, become a better wife
3. Favorite snacks?- really, anything. This is why I need to loose 40 lbs
4. What would you do if you were a millionaire?- make sure my neice and nephews could go to college without having to pay a dime, buy a nice house for us (one that is already painted!), pay off all our families mortgages, pay for our church to build a new sanctuary.
5. Places where you’ve lived?
Watertown, NY
Cedar Rapids, IA
Tempe, AZ
Flagstaff, AZ
Podunk, AZ
See all the fun things you can learn? I tag everyone who wants to but make no promises that I will read them. That is too much commitment for me today.
Oh yeah, I also missed my blogiversary. It was July 30.
1. What did you do 10 years ago?
Learned that I could make any decision I wanted, even if it was a truly terrible decision. Broke up with my first love, it was very devestating.
2. Five things from your ‘to do’ list?- Have a baby - and not necessarily one from my own womb, finish painting the inside of my house (it has only been two years since I started!), lose 40 lbs, run a marathon, become a better wife
3. Favorite snacks?- really, anything. This is why I need to loose 40 lbs
4. What would you do if you were a millionaire?- make sure my neice and nephews could go to college without having to pay a dime, buy a nice house for us (one that is already painted!), pay off all our families mortgages, pay for our church to build a new sanctuary.
5. Places where you’ve lived?
Watertown, NY
Cedar Rapids, IA
Tempe, AZ
Flagstaff, AZ
Podunk, AZ
See all the fun things you can learn? I tag everyone who wants to but make no promises that I will read them. That is too much commitment for me today.
Oh yeah, I also missed my blogiversary. It was July 30.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Boring
I've been boring lately, not much going on. Certainly not much to write home about.
Things on the adoption front are eerily quiet. Last Thursday was the first day I had heard from our caseworker in almost a month. She left a voice mail saying there was still no news from our county courts regarding our certification. We can still be placed without the certification, but it's irritating that they are taking so long. In my opinion anyway.
Work is sucking, I've just started a HUGE project that will culminate in a 500+ person event the middle of next month and my boss decided to throw another huge time waisting (in my opinion) project. I like to burn my candles at both ends, no really, I do.**
I was telling Mr. Sparky the other night that it feels like we've done all this paper work, jumped through hoops and spent a butt-load of money(with more to come) for no real reason. Logically I know this is not the case, but my heart keeps telling me that it was just something to keep us busy for the last four months. That nothing will really come of it. My friend S, her husband said to her the other night that he thought we would have had a baby by now. So did we my friend, so did we.****
There really is nothing going on. The weather has been beautiful here - I LOVE MONSOON SEASON - in the mid 80's during the day and down into the 60's at night. I love afternoon thunderstorms and the smell of summer rain. What I do not like about the rainy season is our back yard. It is pitiful.
I wrote the above paragraphs a while ago. I haven't been able to write lately. No, it's not that I haven't been able to , it's that I haven't wanted to. I feel like closing myself up and not sharing our letting things out. But the funny thing is I really don't have that much to bottle up. I'm not depressed (even though it might sound like it, I'm not), I'm not angry, I'm not... I don't truly know what I'm not.
People keep asking me how the waiting is going, or if we've heard anything. And as much as I say that the waiting is hard, it really isn't. An acquaintance asked the other night if I jump every time the phone rings. And I don't. There is no anticipation of anything right now. Which to me seems weird. I truly and desperately want a baby, but right now there seems to be no urgency, most of the time.
It's a weird thing, this adoption process. Some days the waiting is almost unbearable, but those are few and far between lately. Unfortunately, the days where the emotions creep up are extremely difficult. Jealousy is not a pretty color, it's not flattering on me. I try to keep it under wraps as much as possibly, but it's difficult. It's difficult to see our friends accidentally get pregnant. It's difficult to watch my best friend S and her husband prepare their nursery for the baby that they've wanted so badly who is finally coming in February.
I know I must sound very bi-polar in this post. I cannot explain in words how I've been feeling. Even though this sounds very jumbled and all over the place, I am doing well.
**Now that I've posted this my boss will find it and more than likely fire me. I would be ok with that. Mr. Sparky and our mortgage might not be, but I am all on board.
****I know we would not really have a baby this soon. But it would have been really nice.
Things on the adoption front are eerily quiet. Last Thursday was the first day I had heard from our caseworker in almost a month. She left a voice mail saying there was still no news from our county courts regarding our certification. We can still be placed without the certification, but it's irritating that they are taking so long. In my opinion anyway.
Work is sucking, I've just started a HUGE project that will culminate in a 500+ person event the middle of next month and my boss decided to throw another huge time waisting (in my opinion) project. I like to burn my candles at both ends, no really, I do.**
I was telling Mr. Sparky the other night that it feels like we've done all this paper work, jumped through hoops and spent a butt-load of money(with more to come) for no real reason. Logically I know this is not the case, but my heart keeps telling me that it was just something to keep us busy for the last four months. That nothing will really come of it. My friend S, her husband said to her the other night that he thought we would have had a baby by now. So did we my friend, so did we.****
There really is nothing going on. The weather has been beautiful here - I LOVE MONSOON SEASON - in the mid 80's during the day and down into the 60's at night. I love afternoon thunderstorms and the smell of summer rain. What I do not like about the rainy season is our back yard. It is pitiful.
I wrote the above paragraphs a while ago. I haven't been able to write lately. No, it's not that I haven't been able to , it's that I haven't wanted to. I feel like closing myself up and not sharing our letting things out. But the funny thing is I really don't have that much to bottle up. I'm not depressed (even though it might sound like it, I'm not), I'm not angry, I'm not... I don't truly know what I'm not.
People keep asking me how the waiting is going, or if we've heard anything. And as much as I say that the waiting is hard, it really isn't. An acquaintance asked the other night if I jump every time the phone rings. And I don't. There is no anticipation of anything right now. Which to me seems weird. I truly and desperately want a baby, but right now there seems to be no urgency, most of the time.
It's a weird thing, this adoption process. Some days the waiting is almost unbearable, but those are few and far between lately. Unfortunately, the days where the emotions creep up are extremely difficult. Jealousy is not a pretty color, it's not flattering on me. I try to keep it under wraps as much as possibly, but it's difficult. It's difficult to see our friends accidentally get pregnant. It's difficult to watch my best friend S and her husband prepare their nursery for the baby that they've wanted so badly who is finally coming in February.
I know I must sound very bi-polar in this post. I cannot explain in words how I've been feeling. Even though this sounds very jumbled and all over the place, I am doing well.
**Now that I've posted this my boss will find it and more than likely fire me. I would be ok with that. Mr. Sparky and our mortgage might not be, but I am all on board.
****I know we would not really have a baby this soon. But it would have been really nice.
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