Wednesday, August 20, 2008

First Emotions

We have been on this roller coaster for almost three years. I have borne the brunt of the emotional baggage in our relationship, that's just the way I'm wired. I've fretted and cried and screamed and sobbed and been really, really pissed off.

All the while my wonderful, strong husband has stood beside me. Strong as stone. Up until recently (and I mean recently, like the past few weeks) it used to bug me to no end that Mr. Sparky didn't share his emotions. This led me to believe that he had none on the issue. Silly, I know, but when you are feeling so much inside that you can't label all of it, you want to know that the only person in the world who could get that feels the same way. And it really hurts when that doesn't happen.

I have seen Mr. Sparky get sad because I was sad. He absolutely hates it when I cry - he doesn't know how to fix that and it drives him nuts. I have seen him get frustrated when doctor after doctor turns out to be an absolute moron (not very difficult when you live in Podunk).

He has, from the beginning, had the positive side of the situation. He is and has always assured me that someday we will have a child. He still says, with a smile, that he will get me pregnant one day. And with that being said, I have never seen him truly hurt that we do not have the capability to create a child together. Until yesterday.

There must be something in the water at the local law enforcement watering hole. Don't you hate it when someone says that? Yeah, like it's really in the water. It's not. I can assure that it isn't. I actually (and I am NOT making this up) drank from the hose last year in hopes that I would "catch" whatever magical thing is "in the water". It didn't work.

Anyway, I digress, local law enforcement watering hole. On Mr. Sparky's shift alone out of seven of the guys who are married and of child bearing age, three have had babies within the past two months. Tuesday night Mr. Sparky stopped by one of the homes with the newest arrival to pick something up and only the wife was there with the baby. The cute little baby who was all snuggled up in mama's arms, peacefully sleeping. He told her how beautiful the baby was and as he was leaving the dad called him on his cell. Mr. Sparky told him he just left his house and the dad said, "Did you see my son? Isn't that the coolest thing ever?"

Now, I am hearing this story the next morning (he works graves) so there has been about ten hours since this has happened with many police calls and bad guys in between. Plenty of time for most of the emotion to ware off. Except, for the first time in our almost three years of trying to have a family, Mr. Sparky showed real emotions. He got teary eyed as he was telling me about the conversation with the new dad. He apparently had been fine seeing the baby, but after the conversation with the new dad, he lost it. It really hit home for him that we more than likely will never have that. Not the biological one anyway.

He got up and went out to play with the dog and I sat in the kitchen and cried because I will not be able to give my husband a son, a son that looks like him. I know that someday he will be able to brag about his son or daughter and hopefully it is sometime soon. I don't ever want to see that look of pain on my husbands face again. It was harder than I imagined and while I'm glad he finally shared his emotions with me, I don't think I was meant to bear his as well as mine. God knew what he was doing when he matched us together. I am the emotional one and he is the rock.

At least though, now I know.

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