Thursday, August 14, 2008


I've been boring lately, not much going on. Certainly not much to write home about.

Things on the adoption front are eerily quiet. Last Thursday was the first day I had heard from our caseworker in almost a month. She left a voice mail saying there was still no news from our county courts regarding our certification. We can still be placed without the certification, but it's irritating that they are taking so long. In my opinion anyway.

Work is sucking, I've just started a HUGE project that will culminate in a 500+ person event the middle of next month and my boss decided to throw another huge time waisting (in my opinion) project. I like to burn my candles at both ends, no really, I do.**

I was telling Mr. Sparky the other night that it feels like we've done all this paper work, jumped through hoops and spent a butt-load of money(with more to come) for no real reason. Logically I know this is not the case, but my heart keeps telling me that it was just something to keep us busy for the last four months. That nothing will really come of it. My friend S, her husband said to her the other night that he thought we would have had a baby by now. So did we my friend, so did we.****

There really is nothing going on. The weather has been beautiful here - I LOVE MONSOON SEASON - in the mid 80's during the day and down into the 60's at night. I love afternoon thunderstorms and the smell of summer rain. What I do not like about the rainy season is our back yard. It is pitiful.

I wrote the above paragraphs a while ago. I haven't been able to write lately. No, it's not that I haven't been able to , it's that I haven't wanted to. I feel like closing myself up and not sharing our letting things out. But the funny thing is I really don't have that much to bottle up. I'm not depressed (even though it might sound like it, I'm not), I'm not angry, I'm not... I don't truly know what I'm not.

People keep asking me how the waiting is going, or if we've heard anything. And as much as I say that the waiting is hard, it really isn't. An acquaintance asked the other night if I jump every time the phone rings. And I don't. There is no anticipation of anything right now. Which to me seems weird. I truly and desperately want a baby, but right now there seems to be no urgency, most of the time.

It's a weird thing, this adoption process. Some days the waiting is almost unbearable, but those are few and far between lately. Unfortunately, the days where the emotions creep up are extremely difficult. Jealousy is not a pretty color, it's not flattering on me. I try to keep it under wraps as much as possibly, but it's difficult. It's difficult to see our friends accidentally get pregnant. It's difficult to watch my best friend S and her husband prepare their nursery for the baby that they've wanted so badly who is finally coming in February.

I know I must sound very bi-polar in this post. I cannot explain in words how I've been feeling. Even though this sounds very jumbled and all over the place, I am doing well.

**Now that I've posted this my boss will find it and more than likely fire me. I would be ok with that. Mr. Sparky and our mortgage might not be, but I am all on board.

****I know we would not really have a baby this soon. But it would have been really nice.


Bri said...

I completely understand where you are coming from. I don't jump when the phone rings or really believe this is a reality. I KNOW it logically, but my heart just isn't there yet. I am not really having a hard time waiting, except when people ask or when others' announce their pregnancies. Good luck with the wait... keep busy!

Christy said...

Waiting is a hard place to be, but not THE hardest. During our wait I hardly ever thought about it, and if I did, it was in the morning when I reminded myself that each day brought the possibility of having our world rocked. That seemed to settle me. I found that I was more patient than anyone else in our lives, but that was OK too. Hang in there.