Ambivalence

So.

Since I hadn't heard from our agency as of 1:30 yesterday (I left a message on Friday people! How hard is it to pick up the phone?) I decided to call the local pregnancy worker and she what she had to say.

She was very excited and had actually heard about M(birthmom) several weeks ago through the grapevine and had been praying for her. I gave her M's number and an hour later she called me back saying they had an appointment today at 1:00. She talked to N (birthdad) and he told her M wasn't doing so well, emotionally. She was very scared and had a ton of questions. So I was glad to hear that they would be meeting so soon, as we are very concerned about her and N's emotional wellbeing, not just us getting a baby.

Last night Mr. Sparky and I talked a lot about the situation and how we were very concerned for M and N and that we didn't want to be part of all this stress. This morning I called the pregnancy worker and asked her to relay a few things to M and N. We will be more than willing to not go to the ultrasound if that would make it less stressful. We also, even though we want a relationship with them, want it to be on their terms and for them not to feel scared to tell us to back off if they feel we are getting to be a little... much.

The pregnancy worker was very pleased by this ( I guess some prospective parents can be very demanding - which I totally don't get!) and promised she would relay our message and call us back after their meeting. I have 62 minutes until their meeting starts.

As it turns out, we needn't (is that a word? I don't think so but it works) have worried about the ultrasound issue. I got a message from M saying this appointment would only be a regular check up and that the first ultrasound wouldn't be until 20 weeks and she would call me to let me know when that would be. Even if she is lying it doesn't matter. I can't imagine how I would feel in this situation and if that is how she needs to handle it, then so be it. She is only 18 and I would probably do the same thing at - gasp! - almost 29.

And now to the ambivalence. I know you were wondering where that was. Besides the very brief and explosive emotions of Friday, and to be honest that only really lasted about the first five phone calls, I have no emotions. I have no overwhelming desire to start really getting the baby's room organized, I have no excitment about having a June baby (which by the way at 1:00 this morning I realized that the M's birthday is in June too. I don't know what to think about that except be sad for M right now).

I do know that the rest of the world is way more excited than either me or Mr. Sparky at the moment. I am having issues with this. Why am I not more excited? Why can't I get all giggly and sappy when I think about the fact that in 6 very short months we will be parents? A co-worker tells me I am protecting myself. And I pray that is true, because if this lack of feeling persists, I'm not sure what I will do.

Logically I know once we see the baby on the screen and find out the gender and really bond and once M and N are able to share their feelings with someone other than us, it will begin to seem real. I still am having a hard time believing she is actually pregnant (still. get over it already! she's pregnant!). Any other adoptive moms out there feel like this, or is it just me?