It's been seven weeks since our match fell through. And truly I haven't thought about it. Much. Every now and then I drive past their house and hope to catch a glimpse of her and her belly. Just to make sure she's doing ok, we still care for her. Especially since things are very tough financially for them and we want to make sure this baby and her are healthy.** Then there are other times where we're out and about and I'm terrified we'll run into her. Yesterday Mr. Sparky and I were running errands and this car past us. "I wonder if that's ..." he said. And I immediately replied that no, it wasn't. But my heart was in my throat just the same.
We still aren't mad at the parents, how could we be. At first we thought they were doing what was best for both of them, and we were ok with that. I've since learned that the ex-boyfriend is playing puppeteer and that makes me angry. Not because this baby isn't going to be our baby, but because he is making decisions for M's life that might not be best for her, or the baby. All because of what he wants.
I came upon this information because I talked to the local pregnancy worker on Tuesday. I ended up speaking with her because I was trying to get in touch with our case worker. The one who promised us seven weeks ago that she handles her clients differently, that she is in contact frequently with them and that she would call us in a few weeks. Seven weeks ago.
As it turns out, the only number I have for our case worker is the pregnancy workers number. It also turns out that our caseworker had MAJOR surgery three weeks ago and our agency decided it wasn't a big enough deal to contact her clients and let them know who their interim contact would be while she was out. It also wasn't a big enough deal for our case worker to call us herself. And they don't know when she will be back to work.
To say I am upset would be an understatement. I spoke with the pregnancy worker (whom we have a good relationship with) and told her my frustrations. She then went on to make excuses saying there hadn't been many birth mothers coming into the agency. She also told us not to get our hearts set on M's baby, which, hello! We've been through that already and moved on. I told her we weren't mad we don't have a child yet, that's out of their control. What we are angry about is the lack of communication, in any form. I told her we are paying them a ton of money for services we feel they are not providing. I also told her we received better service from the pound when we adopted our dog, and he only cost us $90.00. This kid is costing us $15-20,000.00.
I don't think she appreciated that last comment.
We have done a lot of praying and talking and have made a decision. We are going to stay with this agency (and let our grievances be known, again.) because we have already given them $2500.00 which is not refundable. We are also looking into a different agency. We figure it can't hurt to have our feet in two pools, twice the coverage, right (and twice the headache)? So on April 14 I will drive to Phoenix (because they do NOT give information out over the phone or in the mail) to attend a two hour orientation meeting for the new agency. Did I mention it's on a Tuesday at 6:00p.m., in downtown Phoenix, and Mr. Sparky has to work? I will leave work early (3:30) and drive straight down(I don't want to chance getting stuck in rush hour traffic and the ONLY way down is under major construction, why couldn't A.DOT widen the 17 before now?) go to a meeting in scary Phx alone, attend the meeting which lasts until 8:00p.m. and then drive the 2 hours back, by myself.
I hate driving at night. Especially up "the hill". I have horrible night vision.
I've been a little on edge lately. Feeling like our agency is too busy for us, what with the downsizing and whatnot. I get that money is tight in this economy. I also get that people have health issues that need attention. What I don't get is how an agency, who is dependant on their clients (that's US) for the majority of their income, can't find an hour or two in a day to call all of our caseworkers clients and inform them she would be out. She doesn't have more than ten. I'm pretty sure I could have done that in less than two hours. We would have understood that, what with a phone call and all. But no, they don't have the courtesy to call us. SHE doesn't have the courtesy to call us.
Most days I spend the 25 minute drive home on the verge of tears. So frustrated at the situation, thinking are we really meant to be parents? God has led us here on this path and right now I feel abandoned. Which I know isn't true because he promises us in Deuteronomy 31:8 - "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." He tells me this right here. Yet my human self cannot seem to grasp that at the moment.
I will continue praying about this, because it is all I can do anymore, and hopefully when His timing is right He will show us His plan. Until then, the waiting sucks.
I also cheated yesterday. I was picking up my friends kids and the four year old runs up to me, "Nessa!! I brought this cookie JUST.FOR.YOU." How do you say no to a four year old? I ate the cookie. I also weighted myself, which I wasn't going to do until Thursday, but I was too curious. I've lost three pounds! I just hope the cookie didn't de-rail all the hard work!
** After I wrote this, it sounds like we are still holding out hope for this child. Which we are not. We got to know M a little bit, and how could you not care about someone in a position which you would never envy? Knowing it is a battle to put food on the table makes our hearts bleed for her and her baby.