Tuesday, April 7, 2009

When the clouds parted there was sun ... and bird poop on my car


The plague that has been cast upon me is finally leaving. I haven't been this sick in a very long time. Today is the first day since Saturday that I have even ventured off the couch. And I didn't die. Although not for lack of my body trying.

There was a lot of gnashing of teeth on Thursday, Mr. Sparky's in particular.

He was not pleased with my news, in fact, he thought I was joking. A late April Fool's if you will. The tears eventually proved that I wasn't. He is still a little on the cool side, but he is thawing quite nicely.

My last day will be May 7th. I am looking forward to that day.

I've also made a momentous decision. A decision that requires putting our adoption plans on hold. And I've never been so ok with that in the whole 3.5 years we've been trying. Having a child right now would mean putting this off even longer, and I've waited ten years for this opportunity.

I have always had a love for helping people. And music. Until I was 19 I had no problems running after my dreams. I was fearless, never letting anyone or anything get in my way. Until I made one decision that seemed to altar my life forever. I stayed at home my first semester of college instead of going away with all my friends. For a boy. A boy that may I add I am no longer with.

It was a horrible decision and one that ruined a 13 year friendship. Since then, I have been terrified to take a chance, to grasp onto my passions and run with them.

I was supposed to go to here. I had everything set, including a chance at a full ride. I was going to go there and perfect my craft of piano and then run West as fast as I could and do movie scores. It was going to be a grand life. I was going to live on the beach and play piano all day and get PAID FOR IT. Then I chickened out, decided I wasn't good enough. I still regret that to this day.
My other passion has always been massage. And not the dirty kind you animals! It started when I finally ended up going to that school (not the pretty music school, but the pretty state school that I turned my nose up at for a boy), I fell madly in love with eastern medicine and the practice of massage therapy. Not to mention it feels really good. Since I couldn't decide what I wanted to really do with my life now that J.uliard was out of the question, I investigated the BEST massage schools in the country. And clearly they were spectacular since I cannot remember a single one, except that one was in S.F. and I LOVE S.F.

But there was that fear that I wouldn't be good enough. That stupid fear that crept up on me one day in late 1998 and robbed me of so many opportunities. How could I succeed? I couldn't possibly do well at this. If I could turn my back on J.uliard how could I even imagine flourishing at thing like that?

Oh if I could only go back and shake my stupid, much younger, self.

For ten years I have had friends and family alike tell me I NEED TO GO TO MASSAGE THERAPY SCHOOL. Mostly for selfish reasons I think, I was always giving free massages to them. It's been something I've batted around for seriously for the last few years. Wanting to be more than just a secretary. First and foremost my ultimate career would be mother. But God has proved that at the moment that is not to be.

I have put my life on hold more times than I care to admit due to infertility. It's time to move on. I believe that God moves things in such a way that he can turn what ever mess we've made out of his plans to something amazing. If we let him. Thursday after my initial meeting with my boss, I checked my in-box. In it was a brochure for a local massage therapy school.

I took it as a sign. If it's a sign from God or my own little mind playing tricks, I don't care. I'm going. I have a meeting with the school on Friday and all we need to do is figure out tuition. $7200.00 to be exact. Since we are not rolling in money and what money we do have is allocated for PROJECT BABY, we will be relying on financial aid. I don't know if you've noticed but they aren't exactly handing money out like candy anymore. Damn recession.

If God wants me there he will make a way. But I am excited, nay, thrilled for the first time in my short life I feel like I have an actual purpose. To help heal people, to teach them about their bodies and how intricate they are. To help people relax and ease their stress. To help mothers bond with their babies and people who can barely walk feel a little less pain.

I still need a job, but Mr. Sparky is behind me 100%. And I knew at that moment, when I didn't have to explain or cajole, when he just said yes, that it was going to be alright. That WE were going to be alright.


It seems age is creeping up more quickly than I would like. In August I found my first gray hair. Last week, my second. This afternoon it appears that I will need to start dying my hair on a regular basis. I found a whole handful of full length gray hairs. Aging sucks.


Yoka said...

Thank you for sharing. Good luck with the school. I am with you on the aging. Grey hairs just keep on coming and I have to dye my hair, too.

lassie said...

Wow! That is so cool that you are pursuing your dream! Massages freaked me out (I have waaay to much baggage left over from childhood) but last year my friend made me get a massage and it was great. I expected it to feel creepy (again baggage) but the therapist was so gentle. It really felt healing.

Boo for gray hairs. I'm got a boat load suddenly. The worst part is, they are coarse and hard to manage. Well, the real worst part is, they make me feel old.