Maybe Later

I took the previous post down, it was too much out there, too soon. Plus it made me sound crazy. Maybe in a little while, after I get a hold of what's going on in my life (and a vacation) I will go into the stuff that happened a little more. Thanks for understanding and the support everyone here gives. Even if you don't comment, just knowing you all are there is comforting.

Prayers

I got a phone call from my neighbor J last night. She said she wanted to talk to me in person and if sometime soon I could go down to her house. So immediately I tried to figure out what I had done to hurt or offend her, my mind racing. Finally she said she would just tell me over the phone. Her voice was so full of distress that my heart was racing.

I'm five weeks pregnant, she says. Her fear and trepidation were because she didn't want to hurt me. I wanted to start crying, not because I was jealous (just a twinge) but because of her care and concern for my feelings. She said she had been praying that it would be me and not her, she has three children, two they just adopted from Haiti. I've not yet had anyone truly show that kind of love towards me in regards to their pregnancy.

Now for the prayer. She has had five miscarriages, the last one at Christmas last year. She started bleeding before she even knew she was pregnant, but that little bugger is still holding on. They've got her on complete bed rest (which is difficult - she home schools and hubby works full time) and progesterone in really high doses at least until 12 weeks, if she makes it that far. Please pray that this works, they weren't trying but would love to add this addition to their family. I'm not going to be able to see her until at least next week due to my schedule, but their church has been supplying meals for them. (and if I hear even a tiny peep about how of course they got pregnant and it will work, they just adopted! I will have to check myself into a padded room) But I know you all are much more intelligent than that. You're reading me, right? You can't see it, but the sarcasm is pouring off of those last few words.

Goodbyes and Breakdowns **UPDATED

On Sunday, friends of ours packed their 3 kids and dog into their suburban and left for MI. I miss her already. They were part of our small group from church and are struggling to save their marraige. It's been a long summer of crying, praying and listening to K deal with the stuff that is going on in her marraige, not to mention the arrival of little T in August. I'm made at her husband, but he seems to be making an effort this time, I hope. He's fooled us before and we all felt betrayed, but I think the reality of it all hit him hard in the face this time. He's showing repentance and truly making an effort to either rekindle or begin a true relationship with Jesus.

And that K, she is amazing! Her faith through this whole thing has never once waivered. She has always said that God has a plan for them, whether it be together or not. She has biblical grounds for divorce, yet she still wants to make this marriage work, for them, the kids, and God. God HATES divorce, even when there is biblical grounds for it. I'm so proud of them, making a very tough decision and doing what's right for them to get their marriage back. But I miss her.

We had a good friendship, albeit a very short one. We didn't meet until February of this year, but it was a good eight months. We had a lot of good talks about a lot of things, we got along easily and her kids are fantastic. Hopefully they will be back, neither of them wanted to move away, but you need to do what's best for your family and sometimes that's the hardest thing. But I think it's easier for the people leaving than those staying. They have something new to look forward to, the business of moving and unpacking with three kids under 5.

Sunday nights we have our small group and it's been a huge blessing for our marriage. The couples are great and we really have a good time. For the first time since I've moved her (three yrs next week!) I feel like I belong, like I'm special to someone besides my husband. But the caveat is this - since we've been in the group (February 07) three out of five couples have given birth and there's one more due next month. Sunday was the breaking point for me, I know this cycle didn't work and I was a little overwhelmed with K leaving. I kind of broke down that night and finally told them I am so confused as to why God would put us in the MOST firtile group at the church (that's another story, church. It's a baby fest right now).

I know he has a plan, but come on Lord - really?? Sometimes I think it's this cruel joke that we arn't able to have kids. That's all I've ever wanted. From the time I was two I was more interested in babies than anything else, and that feeling has only gotten stronger since. Why would God give me such a maternal instinct then not bless us with the one thing I want so badly? Man, I sound ungrateful. I'm not, just sad and blech. This month is the 2 yr mark and squat has happened. Plus it find us in even more debt than when we started and none of it was for our quest as parents. Which bites, but it can be fixed.

Wow, I would have sent invitations had I known this was going to turn into a pitty party. Anyway, I'm boring and depressing myself, so I cannot imagine what you poor people are feeling (if I have any readers after this!) A much more upbeat post to come, I promise, as soon as something upbeat happens in this life of mine.

*** Not upbeat at all - favorite RN just called with my progesterone tests - no ovulation 6.9 was my level. So off to the pharmacy to get Pr*metrium for the next three cycles, if nothing during that then we add Cl*mid. I feel like crying.

No words to explain

Last Saturday I had a baby shower to go to for a friend of mine. It was nice, spending time with friends, all three of which had babies ranging from 6 weeks to 6 months. I had a good time, except when I was talking to one friend who has PCOS and tried for 2 years before her baby came and I started to cry, in public. Folks, I do not do this with people I am not secure with, let alone at someone else's baby shower!

So I sucked it up and went about helping with gifts and picture taking and clean up and went home and promptly got into a screaming match( I was screaming, Mr. Sparky doesn't do those kinds of things) with Mr. Sparky. I calmed down and seriously talked about the things going on and what we are going to do. He has been adamantly against Cl*mid from the get go - his reasoning is that he doesn't want multiples. While that is a possibility (a small one at that - 10%) the thing that terrifies me the most are the mood swings. I've heard so many horror stories about the strong side effects. I know some women don't have any at all, but I am the one who always gets the random side effect only 5% of the population gets. I'm very sensitive. I'm also already a hormonal basket case that I wonder if adding to that would be a good thing.

So I don't know where that leaves us. I just got back from my day 21 blood draw and will find out sometime next week whether my progesterone levels are good. We'll see what happens next. Part of me wants to take Cl*mid right.this.second. But another part of me wants to wait until the first of the year, until after academy is over. People, this academy thing is killing me. It's a lot of work and I'm not even the one going through it! I'm tired, and drained and need a vacation. The stress is amazing, and I'm sure that alot of it is that this month is the two year mark, with no progress whatsoever. I feel like the last two years have been a waste, a joke.

I KNOW God has a plan for us, I do. I believe in my heart that as long as I am faithful and trust in Him he will reveal his plan for our lives - and that may not involve biological children. And on one level that is totally ok. And on another that is the most horrific, terrifying thought ever, it makes me want to scream and cry and take all my frustrations out on my loving husband and my faithful heavenly father.

I am so glad it is Friday.

Gluttony

I have just finished a bag of M*ther's Iced *atmeal Cookies, by myself in 2.5 days. I think I'm going to be sick.

I signed up for the blogging thingy for the month of November where you blog everyday. Shall we see how well that goes? I am a master at not following through with anything. Wish me luck.