No words to explain

Last Saturday I had a baby shower to go to for a friend of mine. It was nice, spending time with friends, all three of which had babies ranging from 6 weeks to 6 months. I had a good time, except when I was talking to one friend who has PCOS and tried for 2 years before her baby came and I started to cry, in public. Folks, I do not do this with people I am not secure with, let alone at someone else's baby shower!

So I sucked it up and went about helping with gifts and picture taking and clean up and went home and promptly got into a screaming match( I was screaming, Mr. Sparky doesn't do those kinds of things) with Mr. Sparky. I calmed down and seriously talked about the things going on and what we are going to do. He has been adamantly against Cl*mid from the get go - his reasoning is that he doesn't want multiples. While that is a possibility (a small one at that - 10%) the thing that terrifies me the most are the mood swings. I've heard so many horror stories about the strong side effects. I know some women don't have any at all, but I am the one who always gets the random side effect only 5% of the population gets. I'm very sensitive. I'm also already a hormonal basket case that I wonder if adding to that would be a good thing.

So I don't know where that leaves us. I just got back from my day 21 blood draw and will find out sometime next week whether my progesterone levels are good. We'll see what happens next. Part of me wants to take Cl*mid right.this.second. But another part of me wants to wait until the first of the year, until after academy is over. People, this academy thing is killing me. It's a lot of work and I'm not even the one going through it! I'm tired, and drained and need a vacation. The stress is amazing, and I'm sure that alot of it is that this month is the two year mark, with no progress whatsoever. I feel like the last two years have been a waste, a joke.

I KNOW God has a plan for us, I do. I believe in my heart that as long as I am faithful and trust in Him he will reveal his plan for our lives - and that may not involve biological children. And on one level that is totally ok. And on another that is the most horrific, terrifying thought ever, it makes me want to scream and cry and take all my frustrations out on my loving husband and my faithful heavenly father.

I am so glad it is Friday.