Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Goodbyes and Breakdowns **UPDATED

On Sunday, friends of ours packed their 3 kids and dog into their suburban and left for MI. I miss her already. They were part of our small group from church and are struggling to save their marraige. It's been a long summer of crying, praying and listening to K deal with the stuff that is going on in her marraige, not to mention the arrival of little T in August. I'm made at her husband, but he seems to be making an effort this time, I hope. He's fooled us before and we all felt betrayed, but I think the reality of it all hit him hard in the face this time. He's showing repentance and truly making an effort to either rekindle or begin a true relationship with Jesus.

And that K, she is amazing! Her faith through this whole thing has never once waivered. She has always said that God has a plan for them, whether it be together or not. She has biblical grounds for divorce, yet she still wants to make this marriage work, for them, the kids, and God. God HATES divorce, even when there is biblical grounds for it. I'm so proud of them, making a very tough decision and doing what's right for them to get their marriage back. But I miss her.

We had a good friendship, albeit a very short one. We didn't meet until February of this year, but it was a good eight months. We had a lot of good talks about a lot of things, we got along easily and her kids are fantastic. Hopefully they will be back, neither of them wanted to move away, but you need to do what's best for your family and sometimes that's the hardest thing. But I think it's easier for the people leaving than those staying. They have something new to look forward to, the business of moving and unpacking with three kids under 5.

Sunday nights we have our small group and it's been a huge blessing for our marriage. The couples are great and we really have a good time. For the first time since I've moved her (three yrs next week!) I feel like I belong, like I'm special to someone besides my husband. But the caveat is this - since we've been in the group (February 07) three out of five couples have given birth and there's one more due next month. Sunday was the breaking point for me, I know this cycle didn't work and I was a little overwhelmed with K leaving. I kind of broke down that night and finally told them I am so confused as to why God would put us in the MOST firtile group at the church (that's another story, church. It's a baby fest right now).

I know he has a plan, but come on Lord - really?? Sometimes I think it's this cruel joke that we arn't able to have kids. That's all I've ever wanted. From the time I was two I was more interested in babies than anything else, and that feeling has only gotten stronger since. Why would God give me such a maternal instinct then not bless us with the one thing I want so badly? Man, I sound ungrateful. I'm not, just sad and blech. This month is the 2 yr mark and squat has happened. Plus it find us in even more debt than when we started and none of it was for our quest as parents. Which bites, but it can be fixed.

Wow, I would have sent invitations had I known this was going to turn into a pitty party. Anyway, I'm boring and depressing myself, so I cannot imagine what you poor people are feeling (if I have any readers after this!) A much more upbeat post to come, I promise, as soon as something upbeat happens in this life of mine.

*** Not upbeat at all - favorite RN just called with my progesterone tests - no ovulation 6.9 was my level. So off to the pharmacy to get Pr*metrium for the next three cycles, if nothing during that then we add Cl*mid. I feel like crying.


Dooneybug said...

Sorry you've hit another milestone in infertility. It completely sucks! Hang in there, now that you've got some results back you can start working on fixing the problem. The worst kind of infertility is unexplained, so maybe this is a path in the right direction?

Mrs Marcos said...

Don't give up.

maggie said...

I'm sorry Nessa.

I like what you said about being special to someone other than your husband. That rings so true.

Nessa said...

Thanks ladies. It's so nice to get some encouragement from people. It's so hard to try and explain all this to our family and friends, so we don't.

V said...

Nooooo, you're not boring! I love reading your posts. I am sorry your friend left; what a bummer! I know how that feels, being that we were a military family for awhile.

I don't have any words of wisdom regarding the pregnancy situation. I've never been where you've been. But I am here to support you and pray for you whenever you need it!