Sunday, November 23, 2008

Recap of ...well... Months

So I didn't get to go drink with the cops. When I got home Mr. Sparky said they already had too many people. Which was ok because I had a headache and didn't really feel like getting schnockered.

On to the recap.
We went on vacation to a beautiful mountain town called Greer. My in-laws have been going their since the early 50's. We stayed in a cute little two-bedroom cabin and had a wonderful time. We were gone for five days, it was so relaxing. We most decidedly did not want to come home.

We both love to back road and spend time just driving through nature. And since there are MANY forest roads throughout the White Mountains (the part of the state we were in) we were never in the cabin for long.

We went through some amazing country! The weather was perfect, low 60's and sun the whole time. It only rained on our way up there and then the clouds parted and the birds sang and ... it was really nice. We celebrated our fourth anniversary while we were there (it really wasn't until the 16th, but we decided to "celebrate" early. We both came back very refreshed and ready to get back into real life.


Real life really sucks right now. We have been having problems for the past year, communication issues mostly, and they came to a head shortly after we got back. I don't really want to go into too much detail since Mr. Sparky isn't able to voice his side. Let's just say if divorce were an option we may have taken that route. But it isn't an option. Four years ago we both made a promise to each other to honor and respect and stick around during good times and bad. Well, we are in the bad and we're sticking together.

Life has been very hard for me these past three or four weeks. Three people have announced pregnancies and I'm spending Thanksgiving with my dad's very pregnant boss. She's great, we all love their family, it's just that I was hoping not to have to spend Thanksgiving talking pregnancy and baby talk and adoption talk. I just wanted things to be normal.

I almost quit my job, but they gave me a raise and less responsibility instead! Can't really beat that. Plus I've cut back my hours and am only working a half day on Fridays. I actually figured it out and Mr. Sparky and I spend 12.5 hours a week together. That is just not enough. Especially since we're trying to mend our marriage.

One good thing that's happened since I"ve been gone - we got our certification letter in the mail. I know it doesn't get us any closer to a baby, but it's one more step we're finished with. We've had our profile up for five months now and have only had a few people view it. That's frustrating. There is also a shortage of white babies in the Valley. Wow, that looks horrible written down. We talked about the fact that if we chose an hispanic or black baby that we could be parents by the end of the year. It is so hard not to call our caseworker and say "Yes! We will take a baby, any baby!". But we know what is right for our family and for where we live. I still feel like I have to justify our decision. I know I don't, but I get that feeling that people are silently judging us.

Anyway, we had our first counseling session on Thursday and it was amazing! The guy we're seeing goes to our church and actually is the dad of one of the guys Mr. Sparky works with. We really respect their whole family and are very encouraged by the tools he's given us so far. He's very real and very true. Not one of those people who makes you feel stupid for having problems. So we're working on it and it will take time and we will be stronger in the end.

I'm not going to lie, it's hard. I feel so alone, so isolated. I haven't been able to even type any of this out for so long, it's just so painful to read. I'm truly surrounded by wonderful, caring, supportive people, but they don't get it. And they can't. I've been shying away from this wonderful support group I've got in the computer as well. It's hard to watch babies and bellies grow. It's hard to hear about matches and impending births.

But we're moving on, slowly but steadily. I'm trying to read my bible and pray. It's been a battlefield between me and God lately and I'm not winning. Slowly we will heal and we WILL BE PARENTS SOON. It just may not be our definition of soon.

I'm working on something big (as in $$$ maker, hopefully) and will be launching it soon. I really wanted it to be up and running before the end of the year, but I don't see that happening. I've got to focus on me and my marriage first, businesses second.

Thank you all for being here and listening to all the junk. Even though a lot of you don't comment (which is totally ok, I don't either) I know you're reading and I know you're walking right next to me when I need it most.


Reggie Boppy said...

Wow! You do have a lot on your plate. I'm hoping that things begin to go smoother for you. You're right, we're right here by your side! :)

Anonymous said...

Any couple who can navigate through infertility - the physical and emotional blows that just. never. stop. - and not have any problems...well, I don't believe it is possible. And then add to it that men and women tend to deal with the experience very differently? It's just HARD. And then throw adoption into the mix...I am sorry to hear about your troubles, but please know that you are not alone. I am happy yall had a nice trip and are meeting with a counselor, but I hate to hear that this is a bad time for you...hang in there.

Jessica said...

Well, I'm thinking of you and praying for you. I am so thankful you're not only navigating the rough spot without giving up, but that you're open about it. I wish more people could be open about their efforts to save their marriage. Hollywood makes people think it's ok to jump in and out of marriage.

Hope things get better soon and know we're all rooting for you!

maggie said...

thinking of you

allyouwhohope said...

I'm sorry to hear that you're in a rough patch, but you should be commended for sticking with it through the tough times. You're in my prayers.