Switching Sides for Now

We have officially begun the adoption process. Today we turned in our application and $350.00 for the classes we need to take and the application fee.

Wow. Last night I could hardly sleep. I don't know if it was anticipation or just plan being scared, but I tossed and turned all night. I don't know why I was terrified of going to the class today, maybe because this is now official, more real.

Up until today, the prospect of maybe baby (who now has a name, but that will come at a later date, when I feel like sharing that information will not lead to my heart stopping) was still a dream. Something that was not really here nor there. I know that the possibility of her is real, but so is the fact that her parents will decide they want to keep her and raise her themselves. Which is ok - except for the whole child abuse thing with the older brother. I can only pray that if maybe baby is not meant for us, that the Lord really work on this mother and help her to be a good parent. Not for our sake, but for the baby's.

The class was FANTASTIC! It was small, only three couples including us, the director of the agency and someone from our church who is starting up an adoption/infertility program. It was so laid back and so fun. We really clicked well with the other two couples even though they are in there late 30's early 40's. It's not that that is old - my brothers' are that age - it's just not what I was expecting. Although, I really didn't have any expectations as to how it would go.

It totally blew my mind. We covered so many things that neither of us had even thought about. We covered extensively the emotions that the birth mother/birth grandparents/birth father would be dealing with and since it will be an open adoption (required by the agency) it is something we really need to take into account. Not that I hadn't thought about that stuff, I cannot imagine what it must take for these women to hand over their children to virtual strangers to raise. I start to tear up just thinking about it.

One of the recommended books was Raising Adopted Children (can't think of the author off hand) and I went out and bought it after the class. It has so much information! It will definitely take some time to sort through the book - information overload. But it brought up many things I had never thought about. Such as explaining the adoption process to extended family and having a discussion time with them. Answering questions they may have and easing any fears they may have.

After so long keeping our infertility journey a secret from our family, it will be hard to be so open about everything, but I feel with the possibility of maybe baby it is only fair to our family that they get that opportunity as well. They need time to process and make heads or tails of the information that we've had a while to process ourselves.

I added a header to the title of my blog. Even though we've made the move to adoption it doesn't mean that we are giving up on a biological child. That was one of the things Mr. Sparky and I battled about before we firmly decided on adoption - to him it felt like we were giving up, that I was giving up on the dream of our own baby. But I'm not. I have never once felt like we would never have our own children. But this is a God thing, he is the one directing this in the way he wants it to go. Apparently he wants us to be parents to a child whose biological family felt they couldn't. To give a child the opportunity to grow up in a loving and supportive Christian home. And who knows. We may never have our own children.

And you know what? That's ok.