Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Aparently I Only Throw Hissy Fits for People I Know in Real Life

I was so proud of myself for not overreacting to my internet buddy's news (who really needs to tell the world soon, because my goodness, I'm going to explode if I have to keep quiet any LONGER). I even boasted about it to Mr. Sparky.

Then Saturday came and a friend called me out of the blue (they are a new couple in our small group - who we happened to meet like three years ago but not really ever do anything with until now - random how this world works) to tell me that they were pregnant. I then awoke from whatever drug induced state I was in and promptly lost my s*&t. Of course not while on the phone with her because that, yes that would have been very rude. And I am not rude to people I like.

The people at the voting polls however. That's a different story for a different day.

She was so kind and truly didn't want to hurt my feelings. And while I was on the phone with her I was ok. But sometime the conversation had to end and of COURSE Mr. Sparky had to ask how I was doing. This couple was not actively trying to get pregnant (if I haven't mentioned this - we are in the MOST FERTILE small group at our church. It's actually known as the "good looking fertile" group. And I'm afraid we really don't fit either category really well) and so I took comfort in the fact that maybe we would get pregnant first. But of course not. Silly, silly Nessa.

After Mr. Sparky asked how I was doing, I put a lame thumbs up and my lip started to quiver. Now. I can hold it in as long as needed. In fact I went an entire three hours without losing it at Mr. Sparky's 30th birthday party when our friend's announced they were having a baby when I knew she really didn't want to, but now she is a great mom so it's totally a moot point. And I only lost it once we were about an hour away from home (which was an amazing feat) But once that lip quivers, dammit, I lose any semblance of control. So the thumbs went up and the tears came and I cried for over an hour.

And there were so many emotions that came out. Some I guess I hadn't even acknowledged were there. Some were scary. And I finally poured out my soul to my husband. My poor, poor husband. I got so mad at him that I shoved him. Not in a "I want to pummel you and then stomp on you" kind of way, it was more like "get away from me you are making see red and want to kill you" kind of way. Which is totally not threatening at all. Especially since he is a cop and has mad skillz and I might be able to break a my own nail if I try really, really hard to be a pretend bad ass.

So I cried and screamed and got mad at him for not showing any emotions, or for seemingly not having any emotions and divuldged the fact that I feel like a gigantic loser because I can't do the one thing this stupid under-perfoming body was meant to do (I say that lovingly, sort of, to my body. It's just that it's failed me so many times since I was little that I have very little faith left in it to do what it is supposed to). Not only was being an infertile making me sad and pathetic, but the fact that I have never FINISHED anything I have started in my life was making me feel pathetic. And I mean it. I have never. Ever. finished anything I've started. Even my stupid hall closet door is still in the garage because it's been too "cold" to paint for months.

And really, I feel bad for Mr. Sparky in all of this. It was his poor little head that had to figure out what I wanted. I told him how I felt, I told him what I needed. And then he made the biggest mistake ever. He proceeded to do what I had just told him I needed him to do. And that sent me over the cliff. He must have been so confused! But really, after 3+ years of marriage he should know by now that it doesn't count if you do right after you've been told to do it! Every man should know this. It should be law.

So he let me cry and pretend to hit him (just lashing out my frustrations, I would never hurt him) and we came to an understanding that even though we have decided to take a break, it doesn't mean my emotions automatically take a break too. And sometimes I'm not going to be able to control my emotions, especially when hearing that yes, someone else is pregnant. We also decided that I should go back to school. Even if somehow we have a child before I graduate, I will finish my degree and feel like I have accomplished something. I think that is important for my sanity and mental health and well being at this stage in the game.

I'm also thinking of switching jobs. It's not that I don't like my job, it's just that I get bored after a while (being a secretary will do that to some people) and I really think the law that is practiced here is BORING. I've always wanted to help people, somehow in the medical field (I've always wanted to teach, but I cannot teach in AZ - no way) and I thought about being anurse. But I cannot be a nurse. I feel faint when I cut my own finger, there is no way I will be able to stomach some of the stuff in a hospital. So I've been thinking about being a dental hygienist. I can get my degree on-line, and I know the wife of a very prominent dentist in the area (plus her dad is one too) so I will give her a call and see where it goes. Plus they have great hours and I can more than double what I'm making now. Definite bonus.

I just want to accomplish something in my life and I"m tired of putting everything off because I"m waiting for a baby. I might as well live my life and enjoy it while we're waiting.

Also, for any of you praying folks out there - please pray for our friends' family. Her brother, sister-in-law and nephew were in a horrible car accident on Sunday in Colorado. The baby died Monday morning, the wife is in serious condition (she had surgery today to stablilze her neck and back - still unconcious, doens't know about her son) and the husband is in the ICU. He's been concious this whole time and is blaming himself for the accident. It wasnt' his fault, but I can only imagine a father's/husband's guilt. Here's a link to the latest post -

I know the family will appreciate all the thoughts and prayers. It's a really hard time right now.

P.S. - Blogger does not want my spell check to work today, so I'm afraid I may look like a complete ass as far as gramar and spelling go. Also, I appologize for my langauge. Apparently I have become a drunking sailor over lunch.


allyouwhohope said...

Hi, I've read your blog a bit and it sounds like we have a lot it common. I could have written most of your most recent post myself. My poor husband has no idea how to handle me (not for lack of trying), even after more than three years of this. I also can totally relate to feeling like your body can't do the main thing it is supposed to do in life. I've really felt broken at times.

I'm praying for you!

maggie said...

Oh God, that's an awful story. That poor family.

Thinking of you, N.

Justlove said...

Wow! This post was pretty long and I read it all! So I have a lot to say! First, I am sorry to hear that you're not pregnant...I have been off line for awhile and haven't been keeping up! But I will keep up the prayers on that end! Then, I wanted to ask, how the heck can you get an online dental hygene degree? Because I would LOVE to do that...get back to me on that one! I always thought there was a ton of stuff you had to do hands on. Third, I will be praying for your friends family who had the car accident. That is so awful.