Yay to Maggie who's finally outed herself and I no longer need to be sneaky. Congrats Maggie Philip and Jackson!
This past week has been very dark for me. Very scary and dark. For over two years now I have been dealing with the emotions of infertility, the sadness of seeing the red, the confussion at an "unexplained infertiltiy" diagnosis, the feeling of failure. All of those I think I have weathered rather well, I feel that all in all I have been handling this whole roller coaster decently. Until Thursday night. We were lying in bed, lights off when all of a sudden I had this uncontrollable burst of anger. And when I say anger I don't mean the I'm-angry-don't-talk-to-me-right-now kind, I mean the I-want-to-break-things kind. For no reason (although I suspect it was to release some of the tension in me) I slammed my open hand agains the wall.Hard. So hard in fact the whole bedroom shook and my hand hurt.
I got up and went to the couch. I was going to try and read through whatever it was I was experiencing. I went to turn on the lamp and when I couldn't get to work I shook it so hard I broke it. Then I turned around and saw the flowers Mr. Sparky had given me that day. In a very heavy glass vase (which was one of my favorites, might I add). I stared at it for a while and realized that instead of punching holes into the walls which I wanted to do so badly, I could break it and not "hurt" anything. So I walked over to it and shoved it as hard as I could onto the kitchen floor. Of course it shattered, in fact I managed to get glass in the living room. Immediatley I broke down into sobs and Mr. Sparky came out and put his hand on my back. I think he was afraid or scared or something. I don't think he really knew what to do with me, which made two of us, since I had NO earthly clue what was going on either.
I tried to clean it up, but he wouldn't let me and took me back to bed. I lay there for a little while before trying to go clean it up again, but he still wouldn't let me. I managed to fall asleep, still sobbing and not quite sure what had set this off.
Work the next day wasn't overly fun. I was in a funk and short with my boss (which very rarely happens). I ran some errands int he afternoon and when I came back I opened my e-mail. And the first thing I read was that my friend was 9 weeks pregnant. I had just had a girls weekend with her and she said she didn't want any more right now, she couldn barely handle the one she had. And now she is pregnant and I am not. Needless to say I lost it. I started crying at my desk and decided I needed to go home. I wrote a note to my boss that said I was leaving and ran out as fast as I could.
I made it home, Mr. Sparky of course was confused as to why I was home at 3:30 in the afternoon. I collapsed on the bed into heaping sobs, again. So far the weekend was shaping up to be stellar(dripping with sarcasim if it wasn't obvious). Again Mr. Sparky had no idea what to do with me and luckily my friend S called. This is where God decides he is in charge and makes things better. I had called her on the way home, but hung up after only one ring because the thought of talking about the e-mail while driving scared me. She saw I called, called me back and immediatley new something was wrong. She told me to hang tight and that she would be right over. Except I hadn't told her I was home, I should have been at work still. Somehow she knew that I was home and that I needed her. It's the little things that remind me God is in control - that he knows exactly what we need and when and he makes it happen.
Thank goodness she came over. She let me cry and then in no time flat had me laughing again. And feeling much better. We talked about the maybe baby (she is the baby's aunt) and how we weren't getting our hopes up, but still very open and excited about the prospect of this little one being ours. She left me feeling tons better and with a new outlook on the situation.
Saturday Mr. Sparky and I went for a drive in the country. It wasn't supposed to be a long drive, just an hour or two. We ended up on this long road that led through ranch land, mountains, pines and then high desert. We ended up being gone for over 6 hours! and it was just what I needed. I find I'm always reenergized after a drive in the middle of nowwhere. It amazes me that God created all of the landscape. How he thought about every little detail, and with one command, made it so. It gives me great joy in knowing that he cares about everything, even the little stuff.
We haven't been to church in a few weeks and when we got there I looked through the bulletin. Smack in the middle of the page was an announcement for the adoption classes we needed. Our agency (chosen, not applied to yet) was putting them on at the church - for the next two Saturdays. Which is another answer to prayer. There are eight classes in all - during the week. Which meant that it would have been impossible for us to take them until after June, Mr. Sparky is on probation until then and cannot take any time off. So another answer to prayer.
I spoke with the woman from the adoption agency and told her what was going on and she was so encouraging. There could be some problems due to the fact that Child Protective Services is involved with the family, but prayer can accomplish many things. We are getting signed up for the classes ($300, but it is good for three years) and need to get the application turned in and somehow come up with $1200 for the homestudy. It's going to be interresting right now as we have NO.EXTA.MONEY. In fact, somehow we have to come up with $500 to fix my car and I was just told that after the $300 for the classes, we will have very little in savings. Which terrifies the crap out of me. BUt I have to look at it as a challenege from God - trust me. He wants us to trust him with our finances and he's been working on us for quite some time, but I think this is the true test - do I worry about this and stress, or do I say OK God, it's up to you and I believe that you will take care of us. I know that it's the latter which is the right answer. I know that is what we have to do, but as a woman whose security line is no longer as big as it used to be, it's going to be tough.
And on some lesser notes - stripping wallpaper sucks, but I have a beautiful bathroom now and I will show pictures later. Also, if you are using the vaccuum attachments, be sure there isn't a rag under the roller or your vaccuum will smoke, catch fire and possibly singe the carpet, if you are lucky. Oh yeah, and my mom wants to write about our struggles. She's a writer and battled infertility to have me. More on that later.
*again, blogger won't let me use spell check. Gah.
* So God just showed me how good he is - Mr. Sparky found some old Savings Bonds the other night and I just got back from the bank. Guess how much? $741.00!!! God is so GOOD!!!