A Baby Shower. For Me?

Monday I got a phone call from my friend S. She wants to throw me a baby shower. As in before the baby gets here. I think it is weird and she thinks it is necessary. Part of me thinks "cool, baby stuff" and part of me thinks "crack-pot!"

I e-mailed Rebekah who is having her own baby shower (coincidentally the same day I am) and asked how she is handling the whole thing and she was very affirming of my freaked-outed-ness, that she felt the same way and now she is ok with it because it's fun to open presents and eat cake (my words not hers).

So there it is. I'm still not 100% ok with the idea. I mean, how do you explain that you are having a shower for a baby that may not even be conceived yet? Weird. I guess I need some time to process the whole thing. Good thing we are already registered and don't really need to worry about that too much.

We will have this shower now, before the baby comes, then AFTER the baby arrives we will have another shower in the Valley of the Sun (Phx) where I am originally from. That way we get the essentials now and all the fun gender specific stuff later. Plus the people in Phx won't get to see the baby a ton and it will be a good way to introduce the baby to them.

In other news, I have lost four pounds in two days. I wasnt' going to weigh myself until Monday, but I could already see changes in my face and other areas and was a little curious. I guess I should do inches since I'm probably losing more of those than pounds right now, but I suck at that.

I am also EXHAUSTED. There has been little sleep on my side of the pull-out sofa bed that we have been sleeping on in our living room since Saturday due to the Great Skunk Debacle of 2008. I'll have to explain that later, let's just say it stinks. Get it? Stinks? Skunk? Whatever, I'm tired, leave me alone.

I may have undone the four pound lose this morning as I treated myself to a Pumpkin Sp*ce Latte. We have a HUGE event tomorrow for work and yours truly is so OVER THIS STUPID EVENT . I am stressed, not sleeping, totally fried. Only 24 more hours and months of hard work will be done. My boss asked me this morning if I was ready for it to be over. I told him a friend of mine asked if we did this monthly. He said he couldn't pay me enough to do this monthly. Amen.

We also go on vacation in 10 days! Perhaps I will just sleep the whole week. Mmmmm, sleep.

Hot by Thirty

A few months ago I decided that I was tired of being fat. I've been heavy most of my life, usually being one of the heaviest kids in my classes. And while most of my friends would say I'm not FAT, like obese fat, I am not happy with my body. So I set a goal - in shape by thirty. I have 15 months to get healthy.

And it's funny timing that Maggie should go ahead and start the same thing. Except she's going to be thirty WAY before me. The last time Maggie decided to get us all on a health kick I got an e-mail FOUR DAYS INTO IT saying that she was pregnant. And quiting. Whatever. This time I know she will not do the same thing to me.

So I decided this weekend that I am going to do S*uth Beach diet and really do it this time. And you all are going to be my accountability. I know there are at least four of you who read this drivel on a somewhat regular basis and that should be enough for me to be real and honest. Plus I'm tired of being fat.

Yesterday I noticed my face looked a little pudgy. I usually gain and lose in my face first so I can always tell when it's time to reign in the ice cream. I haven't stepped on my scale in quite some time as it has held a new job - magazine rack. This morning I cleared it off and me and my birthday suit stepped on. And my jaw dropped. I have gained at least five pounds in the past few weeks. Enough is enough.

So let's get real. As of this morning I weigh 187.4 pounds. I am 5'6" so that really is quite a bit. By no means is it the heaviest I've ever been. When I was on a liquid diet (read: alcohol) I weighed a little over 200. By the time I got married (1.5 years after I stopped the liquid diet) I weighed 157. My goal weight at the time was 145, and that is still where I would like to be.

I have never weighed that. Oh, I'm sure at some point in my life I did, but it hasn't been in the last 15 years. I was 160 pounds in junior high and 175 by the time I graduated high school. My weight has fluctuated since then and I am DONE. I am done being uncomfortable in a size 16, done being self-conscious around all my skinny friends (which is ALL OF THEM THEY SUCK) and I am tired of being tired. My husband loves me just the way I am (of course, he has to) but I would like for him to have a hot wife. At least a wife who believes she is hot which is a totally different thing, but whatever, that is not what I am talking about now.

Last month I decided I was going to do the P.F. Chang's 1/2 marathon in January. My birthday is the 13th and the race is on the 18th so I figured it would be a great birthday present to myself. I have no intentions of running the whole thing, but I would like to run at least half (6 miles) and then run the WHOLE marathon on my 30th birthday. These are lofty goals and I suck at keeping my goals. But I really want to be healthy for our kids and myself. Plus God has given me this body and I have totally trashed it. I feel like I should take better care of the gift he has given me.

I will take weekly pictures (if I can't do the whole pregnancy-watch-my-body-grow pictures then I think I should be able to do the watch-my-body-shrink pictures, no?) and post them along with my measurements, accomplishments and struggles. These pictures may or may not have a head attached to them. I'm not sure I'm ready to post my whole self on the internet.

So, 15 months to lose 43 pounds, that's 2.86 lbs a month. I know I can do this.

I walked into my office and sat at my desk. It was piled so high with papers I couldn't even find my monitor. I looked up and suddenly the lobby was filled with clients. And they were yelling. I couldn't answer everyone's questions all at once and they would not stop yelling at me. There was one client whose documents were supposed to be ready and I couldn't find them, I don't even think I had notarized them yet.

They started coming around my desk and rifling through papers trying to find their documents. My boss walked in and wanted to know what was going on. I couldn't even begin to explain to him what was happening. I was at such a loss and feeling like I was drowning.

Somehow through the angry mob I managed to get out from behind my desk and tried to placate them. I turned around and sitting at my desk were two deputy sheriff's. One who I knew and the other I didn't. D (they deputy I knew) said he was meeting his dad and thought they would hang out at my office in the mean time. That was really perplexing.

I woke up in a sweat and looked around. My husband was asleep next to me and the dog was curled up on his pillow. It was the exact opposite feeling of the dream, it was totally peaceful.

We leave for a weeks vacation in the White Mountains in 15 days. I think I really need it.

Adult's and Their Toys

At this very moment my husband is getting ready to testify. This is not at all abnormal seeing as he is a cop. But the subject matter of the trial is . . .different.

A man is being charged with domestic violence and aggravated assault against his wife. She has already plead guilty to the same charges. While I find domestic violence absolutely inexcusable and horrific, this case has a slight turn to it, making it almost a dramady.

When Mr. Sparky arrived on the scene these two had done a fairly good job of beating the crap out of each other. He asked what the issue was and it turns out it's over a certain, hmmm..... How to say this politely, it's over a certain collection of *ahem* toys.

And the best part? The guy is representing himself. And my husband is going to have to sex toys in front of a judge. With a straight face.

Sometimes I Wonder If My Mother Ever Dropped Me

Last week Mr. Sparky and I decided that what the heck, let's actually try to make a baby this month.

Now I know what you are thinking. Make a baby? But you haven't proved to be too successful in that arena and you are smack dab in the middle of the adoption process. But whatever, you're adults.

So knowing that I should ovulate sometime around last Friday on Wednesday AND Thursday we made (and pardon the expression) mad monkey love. He even told me to lay with my legs in the air. And I did. And Saturday my boobs started to hurt and I started to not feel so good. Almost pms'ish and such. And I thought I was just losing my mind.

Until yesterday when I went to the bathroom and noticed a little ... spot. And I very calmly went back to my desk and finished out my day with nary a thought of a little egg implanting itself into my plushly lined uterus.

Except we all know that is not what really happened. I did go back to my desk and finish out my day but it was not calmly and there really wasn't much work done after that. I left and called my friend S and she totally freaked out and I went to Wal M*rt and bought pre-natals and went home and rubbed progesterone cream all over my belly.

Then I ignored myself all night because all I wanted to talk about was the fact that there could possibly, maybe, be a baby in my belly. And it was really hard to ignore myself because I was the only one home!

I decided that I would call the doctor because really, spotting on cycle day 18? NOT NORMAL. Then I woke up this morning with the worst cramps and I ruined one of my favorite pairs of underware (Totally my fault - I should have changed and put on a liner, but whatever). So I flew to work, opened up my Fertility Pal account and was once again stymied. I looked at the dates I had entered and looked at a calander. They didn't match.

So after a few head scratches and some quick calculations I realized that what I was having was NOT day 18 spotting thus leading me to believe there was a cute little prescious growing in my belly but day 27 bleeding. As in, now get this . . . . . my PERIOD.

This is why we do not have kids. If I cannot handle simple clicking of a mouse to enter in data, how the heck am I going to be able to take care of a BABY!

BREAKING NEWS *Updated

We interrupt this blogging haitus with BREAKING NEWS!!

My husband just spent more to FIX our crappy vacuum cleaner than we PAID for it.

What is a girl to do.

*I saved us from certain overspending on a crap vacuum - I called the place told them not to do ANYTHING to it and I'd pick it up. We are now going to put that money into a GOOD vacuum. One that doesn't require an emptying every 10 minutes. Amen.