Yesterday I had an appointment with my favorite (don't know what she is, RN? NP?) at my OBGYN's. I see Ann Marie since I despise the doctor at the practice and since it is very likely that I will never deliver a child, I don't need to worry about it.
I made the appointment to discuss inducing lactation with her. Even though I have done a ton of research on it myself, I love and respect this woman and wanted to know what she thought and if she had had any experience with it. When I made the appointment they asked what it was for (I HATE this - even though I know they must know, I hate it) I told them an infertility check-up.
I show up and we start talking about the progesterone I am/was taking and she brought up cl*mid. I hadn't told her about the adoption yet and immediately my heart said YES!! GIVE ME THE CLOMID I WANT TO HAVE A BABY! And I almost started to cry.
And I'm not exactly sure why. We know there is a possibility that we could get pregnant since we have no known cause. We also know we may never get pregnant. I am so emotionally involved in this adoption, it's what we want, it's what we are preparing for. In fact, I haven't tracked my cycle (except on FF so I know if my periods get all wonky, but NO tracking of ovulation) since the beginning of the year. I haven't even thought of sex as a way to get pregnant, which is rather nice I might add.
So where is this emotion coming from? I know in my heart I still want to be pregnant and have a biological child. I want there to be that connection between my husband and myself. I want to feel our child grow and kick and experience the excitement of having my body deliver our child.
Last night I was very cranky. In fact I have been for the past week. Much more so than any typical PMS I've had, so I don't know if it's the stress of the home study and the garage sale or I'm dealing with some weird closure emotions or what. But my emotions yesterday after the appointment totally took me for a loop.
I know I want this adoption. I want to be a mom and God has made it clear that is where we are headed. So why all of a sudden does this happen? Why is this emotion slapping me in the face? Why do I feel like I'm being traitorous to the family that is waiting to be created through adoption?