Friday, April 25, 2008

Where did THAT come from?

Yesterday I had an appointment with my favorite (don't know what she is, RN? NP?) at my OBGYN's. I see Ann Marie since I despise the doctor at the practice and since it is very likely that I will never deliver a child, I don't need to worry about it.

I made the appointment to discuss inducing lactation with her. Even though I have done a ton of research on it myself, I love and respect this woman and wanted to know what she thought and if she had had any experience with it. When I made the appointment they asked what it was for (I HATE this - even though I know they must know, I hate it) I told them an infertility check-up.

I show up and we start talking about the progesterone I am/was taking and she brought up cl*mid. I hadn't told her about the adoption yet and immediately my heart said YES!! GIVE ME THE CLOMID I WANT TO HAVE A BABY! And I almost started to cry.

And I'm not exactly sure why. We know there is a possibility that we could get pregnant since we have no known cause. We also know we may never get pregnant. I am so emotionally involved in this adoption, it's what we want, it's what we are preparing for. In fact, I haven't tracked my cycle (except on FF so I know if my periods get all wonky, but NO tracking of ovulation) since the beginning of the year. I haven't even thought of sex as a way to get pregnant, which is rather nice I might add.

So where is this emotion coming from? I know in my heart I still want to be pregnant and have a biological child. I want there to be that connection between my husband and myself. I want to feel our child grow and kick and experience the excitement of having my body deliver our child.

Last night I was very cranky. In fact I have been for the past week. Much more so than any typical PMS I've had, so I don't know if it's the stress of the home study and the garage sale or I'm dealing with some weird closure emotions or what. But my emotions yesterday after the appointment totally took me for a loop.

I know I want this adoption. I want to be a mom and God has made it clear that is where we are headed. So why all of a sudden does this happen? Why is this emotion slapping me in the face? Why do I feel like I'm being traitorous to the family that is waiting to be created through adoption?


Yoka said...

I think it is normal that the pain of infertility is there. It will be there once we have babies. But it hopefully it won't sting as much and not hurt as much as it does now. I can so understand what you mean.

allyouwhohope said...

That really describes the way I'm feeling right now. We haven't officially started the adoption process yet, mainly because of those hesitations. I'm not sure how to get past the desire to have a biological child, other than (from what I've been told) holding your adopted baby in your arms. I'm praying for you.

Lindsay said...

I know what you mean... we too do not have a diagnosed infertility reason- but 3 years of no protection and 4 months of clomid tell me that something has to be wrong...

we have moved on to adoption and our dossier has been submitted and we are thrilled, yet at the same time each time my period begins i am like "what the heck". I just don't get how other people have it happen just like that.

yet what is great is that at this point if someone told me i could not adopt i think i would be as disappointed as i have been all of these years when i find out i am not pregnant...

i hope it eases up but at this point i think i might be 60 and hear of someone being pregnant and still feel a little sad