A Story

A man and a woman had a beautiful son. It was such a surprise pregnancy (they got pregnant right after the wedding) but very much adored nonetheless. They decided they wanted a huge family and tried very unsuccessfully to have more children. Five years and just as many miscarriages later, they decided to adopt.

Immediately they were drawn to this image of a little Haitian boy who desperately needed a family. After a few quick minutes of prayer (the woman new immediately that this was to be their son) they called the agency and the process was started.

Now this was a long process, a two year process from beginning to end(I know this is not really long but they were told by the agency it would be a nine month wait until they could bring their son home) with lots of twists and turns. They were initially told that he was an only child orphaned by his parents at a young age. In reality he had an older sister and their mother was still in the picture, just not capable of feeding and clothing them. After much consideration ( I think it was actually about five minutes) they decided they needed to bring home his sister as well.

Two years ago this past Saturday this man and woman brought their new children home. They have and will always celebrate this day with a dinner out and a lovely celebration. It is always the children's choice where they go eat. This year they chose Coco's. And the man and woman were mystified since neither of the children had ever eaten there before. But that is what they wanted so they loaded up the car on Saturday and went to Coco's.

Halfway through their meal the man got up and found their waitress. He explained to her that it was their Second Adoption Birthday celebration and could she please bring out some pie after dinner. For some reason the waitress started to cry. She apologized for the outburst but continued on. She is 18, unwed and 14 weeks pregnant. She cannot keep her child because she is in school. She wants to give her child the life it deserves, a life she and the baby's father cannot give it at this time. She wants to place this baby with a Christian couple but doesn't know how to go about this.

The man and woman sat and talked to her for quite some time and shared with her a couple they know who has been waiting for a child for a very long time. She gives the man and woman her name and phone number and they leave the restaurant, briefly pausing to think about adding this baby to their family too.

I came home Saturday night to a message on our machine from our neighbor. It was too late to call so I waited until Sunday morning. When she relayed the above story to me my heart almost burst. I couldn't stop shaking as I wrote down this brave young woman's name and number. I woke Mr. Sparky up (which he was not too pleased with as he had just gone to bed a few hours earlier) and we prayed and called our pastor and prayed some more and then I called her. And we talked for 10 minutes about our situations.

We are taking her to lunch this Friday at 1:00. Friday seems a million years away. I fear I will die before the day comes from anticipation. I sat in the completed nursery that has been waiting for a baby for so very long. Thinking of the possibility that in six months it will be filled with a child, our child.

Thank you Lord for this opportunity. Please keep my heart and emotions in check.

14 Days

14 days until my very cool (hopefully) unveiling of the project I mentioned awhile back. I am fully aware that this may flop and not take off, but God is in control and if He wants this to be a good thing, than who am I to stand in His way, huh?

So yeah. 14 days. I've got a lot of work to do!

Also, I'm off for 9.5 days as of tomorrow at noon!

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow!

It's finally snowing here. We are in the midst of a huge and nasty winter storm. Betcha didn't think it snows in Arizona did ya?

It has been really cold here. Sunday night the sky was clear and the wind was howling and it must have been 11 degrees with wind chill. Guess what I did that night.

I drove myself to the hospital.

With only one eye functioning.

I had a horrific migraine, one I haven't had in nearly 10 years. I get them every now and then, but this was pure torture. It started at bible study and progressed to the point that I couldn't drive home. So my friends dropped me off and I promptly ran to puke. And then I couldn't stop. I coulnd't keep anything down, let alone any pain meds so I had no other choice but to drive the half mile (thank goodness it is only half a mile to the hospital!) with one eye covered with a damp washcloth while I drove 15 miles and hour.

Being at the hospital alone is pretty crappy. But I got the meds I needed, thankfully there was no wait and I waltzed right in and everyone was very nice.That is one of the down sides to having your spouse work 45 miles away. He can't just drop everything and take you to the hospital.

But I'm good now. Thankfully. I also managed to miss 3.5 days of work due to a wicked cold and then the migraine. I"m grateful next week is Christmas and I won't have to work at all!

Thank you Mr. Pharmacist for a good dose of embarrasement

He wanted to go inside, I said no - the parking lot is full and the drive through is empty.

I am thanking my lucky stars we didn't go inside. It was bad enough at the drive through.

The pharmacist was elderly and apparently had a hearing problem. I wasn't driving and couldn't make eye contact due to Mr. Sparky's head being in the way. However. The way the drive through is situated you can see directly to the massive line of waiting people inside.

As Mr. Sparky was taking the medication out of the drawer the pharmacist, in his loudest voice possible, started explaining how to use the medication.

Pharmacist - "There are only five applicators in the packet so she'll have to reuse one or two to make it through the whole seven days."

Mr. Sparky - "Ok"

Pharmacist - "Now, make sure she doesn't place the applicator all the way into the VAGINA. Ok? SHE REALLY SHOULD NOT PLACE THE APPLICATOR ALL THE WAY INTO THE VAGINA, OK? NOT ALL THE WAY INTO THE VAGINA AT ALL.*

Mr. Sparky - "Ok"**

I was dying the whole time watching everyone in line stare out the window at us because the pharmacist was using the loud speaker to explain this to us. No joke. I will never be able to go to that pharmacy again. And it is the only one in town.

* - Pharmacists emphasis, not mine.
** - Mr. Sparky tried to say OK, but it didn't really come out that way. It was more of an okayohmygoodnessgetmeoutofhere ok. All the while he turned shades of red I have never seen before.

And he wanted to go inside!

This is why you should always listen to your wife.

Amen.

It's amazing what can happen when you say the right words **UPDATED

Thanksgiving was great. The days since then have been a bottomless pit of total suckage. But we will persevere. I'm committed to this marriage and come hell or high water I will not get divorced. But I really don't want to be married right at this exact moment.

On a lighter note. Yesterday I called to make an appointment with my OBGYN due to some...irregularities. And found the RN I see had finally jumped ship and moved to my old OBGYN's office. So I called there and left a message at 11:45 a.m.

I never heard back. Today has been all sorts of horrible topped with an additional helping of, wow this really sucks. This is where I share perhaps just a bit too much, but I don't' care and really, neither do you. You know you're going to read it no matter how much I share. It's what we do.

I got my period last Tuesday right on schedule. Except it was different. and short. and lighter than normal. It lasted all of a day and a half and there was no ... ahem...extra stuff. I will leave it at that. Then the cramping started and hasn't really stopped since then. This morning it feels as if my ovaries are trying to escape to the tropics and are digging out with a dull spoon alternated by a sharp knife.

On top of that I've felt like I was going to start again. You know how you have that feeling? Yeah, I was sitting at my desk this morning and suddenly had to run to bathroom because suddenly I was a tad wet. But alas there was no red and all white, which I don't do. I just don't, it's not a thing my body seems to find enjoyable to produce. So I called my dear nurse friend who is also dealing with infertility but has a beautiful 1 year old and told her what was up. She said it was probably three things - I'm pregnant, have a cyst or am getting ready to ovulate.

I don't think it's the first one, not too sure about the second and the third is ridiculous. Because I don't really think I've been truly ovulating this whole time. At least not strongly enough to do any good. So the whole wetness is weirding me out and making me run to the bathroom every fifteen minutes, because my GOODNESS, no one should ever have to feel like this unless they are peeing themselves.

So I call the doctor's office back and tell them I need to see my RN and she says I can't get in for at least two weeks and say HA! Well not really, but I reeled off about us trying to get pregnant, weird period, horrible cramping. And you know what? I have a two o'clock appointment today. Amen to being pushy.

So I will let you know what happens and whether or not they give me good drugs because I HURT folks. Would anyone like some under-performing ovaries? I've got two I'm giving away!

**I am not pregnant, which I already knew. I do not have a cyst, yea! I did...and here's the shocker...just ovulate. Really didn't see that one coming. But that is not what is causing my cramps and wacky cycle. You ready for this? STRESS. Stress is causing me to have a bacterial infection which is causing the cramps which could have caused the wonky period. When I called Mr. Sparky to tell him his response was? Where did you get that from in a lovely accusatory tone. Counseling will be so fun tonight.

Recap of ...well... Months

So I didn't get to go drink with the cops. When I got home Mr. Sparky said they already had too many people. Which was ok because I had a headache and didn't really feel like getting schnockered.


On to the recap.
We went on vacation to a beautiful mountain town called Greer. My in-laws have been going their since the early 50's. We stayed in a cute little two-bedroom cabin and had a wonderful time. We were gone for five days, it was so relaxing. We most decidedly did not want to come home.


We both love to back road and spend time just driving through nature. And since there are MANY forest roads throughout the White Mountains (the part of the state we were in) we were never in the cabin for long.


We went through some amazing country! The weather was perfect, low 60's and sun the whole time. It only rained on our way up there and then the clouds parted and the birds sang and ... it was really nice. We celebrated our fourth anniversary while we were there (it really wasn't until the 16th, but we decided to "celebrate" early. We both came back very refreshed and ready to get back into real life.


Except...


Real life really sucks right now. We have been having problems for the past year, communication issues mostly, and they came to a head shortly after we got back. I don't really want to go into too much detail since Mr. Sparky isn't able to voice his side. Let's just say if divorce were an option we may have taken that route. But it isn't an option. Four years ago we both made a promise to each other to honor and respect and stick around during good times and bad. Well, we are in the bad and we're sticking together.


Life has been very hard for me these past three or four weeks. Three people have announced pregnancies and I'm spending Thanksgiving with my dad's very pregnant boss. She's great, we all love their family, it's just that I was hoping not to have to spend Thanksgiving talking pregnancy and baby talk and adoption talk. I just wanted things to be normal.

I almost quit my job, but they gave me a raise and less responsibility instead! Can't really beat that. Plus I've cut back my hours and am only working a half day on Fridays. I actually figured it out and Mr. Sparky and I spend 12.5 hours a week together. That is just not enough. Especially since we're trying to mend our marriage.


One good thing that's happened since I"ve been gone - we got our certification letter in the mail. I know it doesn't get us any closer to a baby, but it's one more step we're finished with. We've had our profile up for five months now and have only had a few people view it. That's frustrating. There is also a shortage of white babies in the Valley. Wow, that looks horrible written down. We talked about the fact that if we chose an hispanic or black baby that we could be parents by the end of the year. It is so hard not to call our caseworker and say "Yes! We will take a baby, any baby!". But we know what is right for our family and for where we live. I still feel like I have to justify our decision. I know I don't, but I get that feeling that people are silently judging us.


Anyway, we had our first counseling session on Thursday and it was amazing! The guy we're seeing goes to our church and actually is the dad of one of the guys Mr. Sparky works with. We really respect their whole family and are very encouraged by the tools he's given us so far. He's very real and very true. Not one of those people who makes you feel stupid for having problems. So we're working on it and it will take time and we will be stronger in the end.

I'm not going to lie, it's hard. I feel so alone, so isolated. I haven't been able to even type any of this out for so long, it's just so painful to read. I'm truly surrounded by wonderful, caring, supportive people, but they don't get it. And they can't. I've been shying away from this wonderful support group I've got in the computer as well. It's hard to watch babies and bellies grow. It's hard to hear about matches and impending births.

But we're moving on, slowly but steadily. I'm trying to read my bible and pray. It's been a battlefield between me and God lately and I'm not winning. Slowly we will heal and we WILL BE PARENTS SOON. It just may not be our definition of soon.

I'm working on something big (as in $$$ maker, hopefully) and will be launching it soon. I really wanted it to be up and running before the end of the year, but I don't see that happening. I've got to focus on me and my marriage first, businesses second.


Thank you all for being here and listening to all the junk. Even though a lot of you don't comment (which is totally ok, I don't either) I know you're reading and I know you're walking right next to me when I need it most.

Drinking with Cops

I'm going to go get drunk with a bunch of cops tonight.

And then they are going to make me do fun tests to see if I'm really drunk.

It's totally philanthropic. Sort of. The police academy is having their HGN (do not ask me what it stands for, I can't remember) night and I am going to be a volunteer so they can graduate. Plus Mr. Sparky needs to finish five more things so he can be certified. It should be fun. Hope I don't do anything inappropriate.

We went to our first counseling session today and it was good. But you probably didn't know anything was wrong so I'll have to fill you in on that later. Maybe after I get home tonight. Mmmm, drunk blogging. That should be fun!

Can't Stop Laughing

New Look

I'm working on a new look for my blog so I apologize if it's hard to read for a while. I"m not trying to give you a headache on purpose.

Oh yeah. We got our approval from the court today.

42 Days & The 44th President

It has been 42 days since I've last posted. A lot has gone on in that time and I just haven't felt like writing. But that is for another day.

I saw McCain speak last night. I wasn't truly inspired, but I suppose after flying to 7 different states in one day and not getting to your last stop until almost 1:00 am one would be quite tuckered. Plus it was cold and windy.

I voted today. For my beliefs and values. But it was hard. I have not been excited about my party's candidate for quite some time and I had been hoping to have some excitement about where our country is headed. But there was no other option. I so strongly disagree with everything Obama stands for.

This was a hard election, just like 2004. I cannot wait until today is over to see what's going to happen to our world.

A Baby Shower. For Me?

Monday I got a phone call from my friend S. She wants to throw me a baby shower. As in before the baby gets here. I think it is weird and she thinks it is necessary. Part of me thinks "cool, baby stuff" and part of me thinks "crack-pot!"

I e-mailed Rebekah who is having her own baby shower (coincidentally the same day I am) and asked how she is handling the whole thing and she was very affirming of my freaked-outed-ness, that she felt the same way and now she is ok with it because it's fun to open presents and eat cake (my words not hers).

So there it is. I'm still not 100% ok with the idea. I mean, how do you explain that you are having a shower for a baby that may not even be conceived yet? Weird. I guess I need some time to process the whole thing. Good thing we are already registered and don't really need to worry about that too much.

We will have this shower now, before the baby comes, then AFTER the baby arrives we will have another shower in the Valley of the Sun (Phx) where I am originally from. That way we get the essentials now and all the fun gender specific stuff later. Plus the people in Phx won't get to see the baby a ton and it will be a good way to introduce the baby to them.

In other news, I have lost four pounds in two days. I wasnt' going to weigh myself until Monday, but I could already see changes in my face and other areas and was a little curious. I guess I should do inches since I'm probably losing more of those than pounds right now, but I suck at that.

I am also EXHAUSTED. There has been little sleep on my side of the pull-out sofa bed that we have been sleeping on in our living room since Saturday due to the Great Skunk Debacle of 2008. I'll have to explain that later, let's just say it stinks. Get it? Stinks? Skunk? Whatever, I'm tired, leave me alone.

I may have undone the four pound lose this morning as I treated myself to a Pumpkin Sp*ce Latte. We have a HUGE event tomorrow for work and yours truly is so OVER THIS STUPID EVENT . I am stressed, not sleeping, totally fried. Only 24 more hours and months of hard work will be done. My boss asked me this morning if I was ready for it to be over. I told him a friend of mine asked if we did this monthly. He said he couldn't pay me enough to do this monthly. Amen.

We also go on vacation in 10 days! Perhaps I will just sleep the whole week. Mmmmm, sleep.

Hot by Thirty

A few months ago I decided that I was tired of being fat. I've been heavy most of my life, usually being one of the heaviest kids in my classes. And while most of my friends would say I'm not FAT, like obese fat, I am not happy with my body. So I set a goal - in shape by thirty. I have 15 months to get healthy.

And it's funny timing that Maggie should go ahead and start the same thing. Except she's going to be thirty WAY before me. The last time Maggie decided to get us all on a health kick I got an e-mail FOUR DAYS INTO IT saying that she was pregnant. And quiting. Whatever. This time I know she will not do the same thing to me.

So I decided this weekend that I am going to do S*uth Beach diet and really do it this time. And you all are going to be my accountability. I know there are at least four of you who read this drivel on a somewhat regular basis and that should be enough for me to be real and honest. Plus I'm tired of being fat.

Yesterday I noticed my face looked a little pudgy. I usually gain and lose in my face first so I can always tell when it's time to reign in the ice cream. I haven't stepped on my scale in quite some time as it has held a new job - magazine rack. This morning I cleared it off and me and my birthday suit stepped on. And my jaw dropped. I have gained at least five pounds in the past few weeks. Enough is enough.

So let's get real. As of this morning I weigh 187.4 pounds. I am 5'6" so that really is quite a bit. By no means is it the heaviest I've ever been. When I was on a liquid diet (read: alcohol) I weighed a little over 200. By the time I got married (1.5 years after I stopped the liquid diet) I weighed 157. My goal weight at the time was 145, and that is still where I would like to be.

I have never weighed that. Oh, I'm sure at some point in my life I did, but it hasn't been in the last 15 years. I was 160 pounds in junior high and 175 by the time I graduated high school. My weight has fluctuated since then and I am DONE. I am done being uncomfortable in a size 16, done being self-conscious around all my skinny friends (which is ALL OF THEM THEY SUCK) and I am tired of being tired. My husband loves me just the way I am (of course, he has to) but I would like for him to have a hot wife. At least a wife who believes she is hot which is a totally different thing, but whatever, that is not what I am talking about now.

Last month I decided I was going to do the P.F. Chang's 1/2 marathon in January. My birthday is the 13th and the race is on the 18th so I figured it would be a great birthday present to myself. I have no intentions of running the whole thing, but I would like to run at least half (6 miles) and then run the WHOLE marathon on my 30th birthday. These are lofty goals and I suck at keeping my goals. But I really want to be healthy for our kids and myself. Plus God has given me this body and I have totally trashed it. I feel like I should take better care of the gift he has given me.

I will take weekly pictures (if I can't do the whole pregnancy-watch-my-body-grow pictures then I think I should be able to do the watch-my-body-shrink pictures, no?) and post them along with my measurements, accomplishments and struggles. These pictures may or may not have a head attached to them. I'm not sure I'm ready to post my whole self on the internet.

So, 15 months to lose 43 pounds, that's 2.86 lbs a month. I know I can do this.

I walked into my office and sat at my desk. It was piled so high with papers I couldn't even find my monitor. I looked up and suddenly the lobby was filled with clients. And they were yelling. I couldn't answer everyone's questions all at once and they would not stop yelling at me. There was one client whose documents were supposed to be ready and I couldn't find them, I don't even think I had notarized them yet.

They started coming around my desk and rifling through papers trying to find their documents. My boss walked in and wanted to know what was going on. I couldn't even begin to explain to him what was happening. I was at such a loss and feeling like I was drowning.

Somehow through the angry mob I managed to get out from behind my desk and tried to placate them. I turned around and sitting at my desk were two deputy sheriff's. One who I knew and the other I didn't. D (they deputy I knew) said he was meeting his dad and thought they would hang out at my office in the mean time. That was really perplexing.

I woke up in a sweat and looked around. My husband was asleep next to me and the dog was curled up on his pillow. It was the exact opposite feeling of the dream, it was totally peaceful.

We leave for a weeks vacation in the White Mountains in 15 days. I think I really need it.

Adult's and Their Toys

At this very moment my husband is getting ready to testify. This is not at all abnormal seeing as he is a cop. But the subject matter of the trial is . . .different.

A man is being charged with domestic violence and aggravated assault against his wife. She has already plead guilty to the same charges. While I find domestic violence absolutely inexcusable and horrific, this case has a slight turn to it, making it almost a dramady.

When Mr. Sparky arrived on the scene these two had done a fairly good job of beating the crap out of each other. He asked what the issue was and it turns out it's over a certain, hmmm..... How to say this politely, it's over a certain collection of *ahem* toys.

And the best part? The guy is representing himself. And my husband is going to have to sex toys in front of a judge. With a straight face.

Sometimes I Wonder If My Mother Ever Dropped Me

Last week Mr. Sparky and I decided that what the heck, let's actually try to make a baby this month.

Now I know what you are thinking. Make a baby? But you haven't proved to be too successful in that arena and you are smack dab in the middle of the adoption process. But whatever, you're adults.

So knowing that I should ovulate sometime around last Friday on Wednesday AND Thursday we made (and pardon the expression) mad monkey love. He even told me to lay with my legs in the air. And I did. And Saturday my boobs started to hurt and I started to not feel so good. Almost pms'ish and such. And I thought I was just losing my mind.

Until yesterday when I went to the bathroom and noticed a little ... spot. And I very calmly went back to my desk and finished out my day with nary a thought of a little egg implanting itself into my plushly lined uterus.

Except we all know that is not what really happened. I did go back to my desk and finish out my day but it was not calmly and there really wasn't much work done after that. I left and called my friend S and she totally freaked out and I went to Wal M*rt and bought pre-natals and went home and rubbed progesterone cream all over my belly.

Then I ignored myself all night because all I wanted to talk about was the fact that there could possibly, maybe, be a baby in my belly. And it was really hard to ignore myself because I was the only one home!

I decided that I would call the doctor because really, spotting on cycle day 18? NOT NORMAL. Then I woke up this morning with the worst cramps and I ruined one of my favorite pairs of underware (Totally my fault - I should have changed and put on a liner, but whatever). So I flew to work, opened up my Fertility Pal account and was once again stymied. I looked at the dates I had entered and looked at a calander. They didn't match.

So after a few head scratches and some quick calculations I realized that what I was having was NOT day 18 spotting thus leading me to believe there was a cute little prescious growing in my belly but day 27 bleeding. As in, now get this . . . . . my PERIOD.

This is why we do not have kids. If I cannot handle simple clicking of a mouse to enter in data, how the heck am I going to be able to take care of a BABY!

BREAKING NEWS *Updated

We interrupt this blogging haitus with BREAKING NEWS!!

My husband just spent more to FIX our crappy vacuum cleaner than we PAID for it.

What is a girl to do.

*I saved us from certain overspending on a crap vacuum - I called the place told them not to do ANYTHING to it and I'd pick it up. We are now going to put that money into a GOOD vacuum. One that doesn't require an emptying every 10 minutes. Amen.

My life as I know it is no more...

I went to the ladies room today at work.

I looked in the mirror.

I was suddenly overcome with shock and doubt.

I leaned as far into the mirror as possible without smashing my face into it.

I found a gray hair.

I am only 28.

I had never feared the gray hair, I had never really contemplated what I would do when I found my first (although it was certainly NOT THIS EARLY!). I sat there and stared at the colorless, wiry foe and thought about crying.

First Emotions

We have been on this roller coaster for almost three years. I have borne the brunt of the emotional baggage in our relationship, that's just the way I'm wired. I've fretted and cried and screamed and sobbed and been really, really pissed off.

All the while my wonderful, strong husband has stood beside me. Strong as stone. Up until recently (and I mean recently, like the past few weeks) it used to bug me to no end that Mr. Sparky didn't share his emotions. This led me to believe that he had none on the issue. Silly, I know, but when you are feeling so much inside that you can't label all of it, you want to know that the only person in the world who could get that feels the same way. And it really hurts when that doesn't happen.

I have seen Mr. Sparky get sad because I was sad. He absolutely hates it when I cry - he doesn't know how to fix that and it drives him nuts. I have seen him get frustrated when doctor after doctor turns out to be an absolute moron (not very difficult when you live in Podunk).

He has, from the beginning, had the positive side of the situation. He is and has always assured me that someday we will have a child. He still says, with a smile, that he will get me pregnant one day. And with that being said, I have never seen him truly hurt that we do not have the capability to create a child together. Until yesterday.

There must be something in the water at the local law enforcement watering hole. Don't you hate it when someone says that? Yeah, like it's really in the water. It's not. I can assure that it isn't. I actually (and I am NOT making this up) drank from the hose last year in hopes that I would "catch" whatever magical thing is "in the water". It didn't work.

Anyway, I digress, local law enforcement watering hole. On Mr. Sparky's shift alone out of seven of the guys who are married and of child bearing age, three have had babies within the past two months. Tuesday night Mr. Sparky stopped by one of the homes with the newest arrival to pick something up and only the wife was there with the baby. The cute little baby who was all snuggled up in mama's arms, peacefully sleeping. He told her how beautiful the baby was and as he was leaving the dad called him on his cell. Mr. Sparky told him he just left his house and the dad said, "Did you see my son? Isn't that the coolest thing ever?"

Now, I am hearing this story the next morning (he works graves) so there has been about ten hours since this has happened with many police calls and bad guys in between. Plenty of time for most of the emotion to ware off. Except, for the first time in our almost three years of trying to have a family, Mr. Sparky showed real emotions. He got teary eyed as he was telling me about the conversation with the new dad. He apparently had been fine seeing the baby, but after the conversation with the new dad, he lost it. It really hit home for him that we more than likely will never have that. Not the biological one anyway.

He got up and went out to play with the dog and I sat in the kitchen and cried because I will not be able to give my husband a son, a son that looks like him. I know that someday he will be able to brag about his son or daughter and hopefully it is sometime soon. I don't ever want to see that look of pain on my husbands face again. It was harder than I imagined and while I'm glad he finally shared his emotions with me, I don't think I was meant to bear his as well as mine. God knew what he was doing when he matched us together. I am the emotional one and he is the rock.

At least though, now I know.

Random Meme and a Belated Blogiversary Announcement

I got tagged but can't remember when or by whom. I've never done one of these before, so here goes.

1. What did you do 10 years ago?
Learned that I could make any decision I wanted, even if it was a truly terrible decision. Broke up with my first love, it was very devestating.

2. Five things from your ‘to do’ list?- Have a baby - and not necessarily one from my own womb, finish painting the inside of my house (it has only been two years since I started!), lose 40 lbs, run a marathon, become a better wife

3. Favorite snacks?- really, anything. This is why I need to loose 40 lbs

4. What would you do if you were a millionaire?- make sure my neice and nephews could go to college without having to pay a dime, buy a nice house for us (one that is already painted!), pay off all our families mortgages, pay for our church to build a new sanctuary.

5. Places where you’ve lived?
Watertown, NY
Cedar Rapids, IA
Tempe, AZ
Flagstaff, AZ
Podunk, AZ

See all the fun things you can learn? I tag everyone who wants to but make no promises that I will read them. That is too much commitment for me today.

Oh yeah, I also missed my blogiversary. It was July 30.

Boring

I've been boring lately, not much going on. Certainly not much to write home about.

Things on the adoption front are eerily quiet. Last Thursday was the first day I had heard from our caseworker in almost a month. She left a voice mail saying there was still no news from our county courts regarding our certification. We can still be placed without the certification, but it's irritating that they are taking so long. In my opinion anyway.

Work is sucking, I've just started a HUGE project that will culminate in a 500+ person event the middle of next month and my boss decided to throw another huge time waisting (in my opinion) project. I like to burn my candles at both ends, no really, I do.**

I was telling Mr. Sparky the other night that it feels like we've done all this paper work, jumped through hoops and spent a butt-load of money(with more to come) for no real reason. Logically I know this is not the case, but my heart keeps telling me that it was just something to keep us busy for the last four months. That nothing will really come of it. My friend S, her husband said to her the other night that he thought we would have had a baby by now. So did we my friend, so did we.****

There really is nothing going on. The weather has been beautiful here - I LOVE MONSOON SEASON - in the mid 80's during the day and down into the 60's at night. I love afternoon thunderstorms and the smell of summer rain. What I do not like about the rainy season is our back yard. It is pitiful.

I wrote the above paragraphs a while ago. I haven't been able to write lately. No, it's not that I haven't been able to , it's that I haven't wanted to. I feel like closing myself up and not sharing our letting things out. But the funny thing is I really don't have that much to bottle up. I'm not depressed (even though it might sound like it, I'm not), I'm not angry, I'm not... I don't truly know what I'm not.

People keep asking me how the waiting is going, or if we've heard anything. And as much as I say that the waiting is hard, it really isn't. An acquaintance asked the other night if I jump every time the phone rings. And I don't. There is no anticipation of anything right now. Which to me seems weird. I truly and desperately want a baby, but right now there seems to be no urgency, most of the time.

It's a weird thing, this adoption process. Some days the waiting is almost unbearable, but those are few and far between lately. Unfortunately, the days where the emotions creep up are extremely difficult. Jealousy is not a pretty color, it's not flattering on me. I try to keep it under wraps as much as possibly, but it's difficult. It's difficult to see our friends accidentally get pregnant. It's difficult to watch my best friend S and her husband prepare their nursery for the baby that they've wanted so badly who is finally coming in February.

I know I must sound very bi-polar in this post. I cannot explain in words how I've been feeling. Even though this sounds very jumbled and all over the place, I am doing well.



**Now that I've posted this my boss will find it and more than likely fire me. I would be ok with that. Mr. Sparky and our mortgage might not be, but I am all on board.


****I know we would not really have a baby this soon. But it would have been really nice.

Why I Shouldn't Be Allowed on the Internet Without Supervision

I'm sure you've all been to, used (or obsessed), or heard of THIS place. It is a common place to visit (or stalk) in our neck of the woods and even though I am no longer charting I still monitor the start and end days of my cycle.

I was needing to schedule my very overdue yearly and wanted to consult the calender so as not to make the appointment during that time. I logged in this morning and became a little confused at what I saw. My dear friend was telling me that I was on cycle day 35. Well, isn't that just the most interesting thing I've ever seen since I usually get a nice new chart every 27 days, like clock work.

Now, I'm sure most of you are thinking what flitted through my own little head this morning - is it possible? could it be? of course it is since we've started the adoption process(said with SERIOUS MOCKING SARCASM).

But lo, after many mad counts on my fingers I realized I had forgotten to input my last cycle which started two Sundays ago. This is why I should be supervised at all times on the Internet. I may even need to move the computer into the living room. Sheesh.

New Parents and Other Miscelaneous Ramblings

Thank you all for your input. Although we still haven't made a decision as what to do yet (I've only had about fours hours with my husband in the last 9 days and they haven't all been on the same day) time has given us some distance to the matter and we are a little more calm. And by we I of course mean me.

If you do not already know, please make your way over to Yoka and congratulate her on her new daughter Lillian. So exciting!

Now, on to new and exciting things.

Because I don't already have enough on my plate what with the adoption thingy and all, I've decided I need a career. Not a job, but a career. I will be 30 in exactly 18 months and have done absolutely nothing worth while in my life (career wise that is) and am starting to get antsy. I really don't believe that every person needs to be a brain surgeon or an astronaut or anything like that to be successful in their lives. If that were the case then the important everyday stuff would never get done, but I do believe that people should be happy about what they do - whether it be a clerk at the mini mart or a CEO of a company.

I went to college to be a teacher but for certain reasons never finished. I dropped out of Northern Arizona University half way through my sophomore year and pretended to go to many and various community colleges for years after that. And by pretend I mean spent money but never got anywhere. I could never make up my mind what I wanted to do. And now it is kicking me in the butt.

After we first started this baby journey Mr. Sparky and I thought it silly for me to spend money we didn't really have to get a degree for a job I would more than likely never stay at too long since, you know, I'd be at home shortly raising our family. That idea didn't work out so well. So here I am, 28 1/2, nowhere close to a degree and feeling very empty.

I love my job in the aspect that I work with great people and make decent money in the town I live in for only having a high school diploma. But I want more. It's obvious to me that I will not be a stay at home mom any time soon - not just because of the no baby thing, we've screwed ourselves financially and are working to fix it- and feel like I should be doing something with my life. I do not want to be an office manager (glorified secretary) for the rest of my life. I want to do something that I am passionate about, something that I can truly make a decent living at and something that would not require me to attend a college that is 100 miles away from my home.

So there. A little pre-midlife crisis perhaps? Just testing the waters for what it will be like when I'm forty and still a freaking secretary? I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. All the aptitude tests I've taken over the years tell me I should be a teacher, but really, do you all know how bad the Arizona school systems are? Also, our school district here just layed off a boat load of people. I co-taught for a semester in Phoenix several years ago and while I love the children, the bureaucracy and the parents and the crap just isn't worth it to me.

If any of you know what I should be then let ME KNOW PLEASE or if you are independently wealthy I am available for adoption.

Frustrations

Our experience with our agency so far has been very smooth. With that in mind, I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it did.

Those of you in the process know about the birth letter or match letter. This is the letter that our potential birth mother will choose us from. We spent agonizing hours writing and re-writing and trying to get it to be absolutely "perfect". Finally after months of torture we had a final copy and sent it along with a $1000 check to our agency. Three weeks ago.

On our agency's website they have a page with all the match letters that are current and those that have been matched with a birth mom. We mailed our letter on a Thursday and on Monday it wasn't up. I knew it most likely wouldn't get put up that fast but decided to e-mail our case worker to find out how long the process of getting it up took. I also had other questions so didn't truly feel like a big dork asking about the letter. I wasn't altogether pleased with her response - Our tech guy will put it up when he gets around to it - but let it go because I figured it would be up by the end of the week and didn't want to ruffle any feathers.

Except maybe I should have. I've been checking the site periodically (read - EVERY DAY) and nothing. So this past Sunday(two weeks and 7 days after we mailed our letter!) when it still wasn't up we decided to e-mail our case worker. I was very polite, asked why it still wasn't up and thought three weeks was a long time. I left it at that. Monday morning around 9:00 it was put up on the website. And I still haven't gotten a response from our case worker.

Now if this were a gigantic national organization I could see how maybe, possibly, a letter could slip through the cracks. But this is NOT a big agency, it is a little Christian agency and according to them they have more babies than parents, so WHY WOULDN'T THEY PUT OUR LETTER UP AS SOON AS THEY GOT IT?!

I knew something would have to give sooner or later, this whole process has just been too easy. But it worries me. If they are this lackadaisical about our letter, what else will they not be so sharp about. And I know we went through the process at the exact same pace with two other couples and their letters aren't up yet either. Now that could be that they haven't done them yet, but I highly doubt that. They were both just as eager to get things going as we were. What about the people who don't' feel comfortable stepping up and saying something? We can't be the only couple this has happened to.

What would you do? Would you call the agency and find out why it took so long to get the letter up or would you just leave it? I'm afraid to ruffle any feathers as these people hold the keys to our diploma for parenthood. But we are paying these people through the nose and I would think better service would be provided.

The Details

Thank you for your kind words. Even thought it was difficult to say no, we both knew it wasn't what God had planned for us. This was especially evident by the peace we both felt last night. It's not easy to say no to a baby.

I got an e-mail from a woman (and it's a total friend of a friend of a great-aunt story so I'll name her L to spare you the whole drawn out story) named L saying she had been contacted about a little boy who was born on June 25th and didn't have a family yet. Oh, and he was still in the hospital. Were we interested.

My heart stopped half way through the e-mail and apparently I forgot to breath because my co-worker ( I got an assistant, did I tell you that?) B kept reminding me to. I also thought I was going to throw up for about 15 minutes too. Not having much information to go on I called Mr. Sparky and asked if he was interested. He said sure. So I got in touch with L and she gave me the woman's info who contacted her about it, her name is M.

So I called M and left a message (can I tell you how much leaving a message in a situation like this really truly sucks?) and immediately started calling our friends to start praying. M finally called me back and gave me a little more info. This little boy was born early, very early. His due date wasn't even until the end of this month or the beginning of next. His mom had also admitted to doing cocaine throughout the whole pregnancy. As she continued to tell me all the information, I began to realize that this probably wasn't our baby. Then the final kicker - he's bi-racial.

Now before everyone gets in a snit about that, let me explain. Although my husband and I are both white(extremely. we are so white it's not even funny) we would not have a problem adopting a child of a different race than us, if we lived in a more diverse area. If you've been reading for any amount of time you probably have heard me refer to our town as Podunk. And the reason I do this is because we live in a semi-rural area with about 150,000 people. And only five of them are black. Four of them are under the age of 14 and live on my block.

We do not live in a very diverse area. It still shocks me when I see a black person ( is that even the p.c. term anymore? I'm so behind the times) in our town. It just doesn't happen that often. Our neighbors down the street adopted two beautiful little children from Haiti. A boy and a girl, 11 and 7 at the time they came home. I have never in my life seen people so dark and I grew up in a major metropolitan city. From the moment they arrived they had so many issues. They had their daughter (11) in a Montessori school and that only lasted one month. She was teased so harshly by the other kids because of the color of her skin. And I know that says more about their parents than anything else, but if you don't grow up around something it can seem different and sometimes scary (not that this is any excuse, I found the whole situation sickening).

Based on our demographics and the fact that we would NOT be willing to relocate to a more diverse area, we have chosen a baby of the same race. There are too many issues to deal with in adoption let alone add the race card into the game, especially in a small town with "old school" mentalities still hanging around.

I know I don't need to defend our decisions, we have to do what's right for our family. But I have to tell you it was so hard to say NO to a baby. Mr. Sparky and I talked after I got more info from M and we decided to call the agency anyway, just to see if we could find anything else out. I left a message with the agency and turned around and called everyone I had just called to tell them it wasn't going to work out.

I went for a walk to clear my head and during that time kept praying for that little boy. What an unfair start this little boy will have in life. Once back from my walk I felt this enormous peace about the situation and knew that we had made the right decision. And it turns out that the decision would have been made for us anyway. This morning I got a phone call from the case worker handling his case. Apparently there was a development over the weekend that is going to prevent them from placing this little boy with anyone. She wouldn't give me any details, but I can't assume it is a good thing.

So it was an interesting look into the future and the possibilities that will arise. I can say though, I do not want to go through that again. It was only an hour from start to finish but felt like years. My heart is torn in many pieces - anger, confusion and sadness for this little boys mother and absolute anguish for this little boy who has had such an unfair start in life.

I know our baby will come. Because God is in control, we are just along for the ride.

Almost Isn't Good Enough

We almost had a baby today.

A little boy.

Almost.

But it didn't work out. I'll explain more later.

Inappropriate Behavior on Someone Else's Part

So the letter got mailed off to the agency. Only after a second trip to the printers because they screwed it up the first time. Luckily they redid it for free - which gave me the opportunity to spice it up a bit. But I'm annoyed because they received it a week ago today and it is still NOT UP ON THE WEBSITE! I know they are still showing us to people, but PUT US UP ON THE WEBSITE!


In other news I went to the dentist last Tuesday. I usually enjoy the dentist - we have a great hygienist who is the most lovely woman and who has been cleaning my teeth for the past four years and my hubby's for the last nine. The dentist is actually one of the nicest men I have ever met(it also helps that he is drop dead gorgeous) and very gentle on my mouth. He always gives me lots of nitrous and makes sure I'm very comfortable. He probably does that to everyone, but I like to think that I am special. And the office manager is absolutely amazing. And her husband works with mine so, yeah, it's like a little extended family. My experiences are always good there.

Except for this last time. I had my usual 7:00 am appointment for my 6 month check-up. I got there a little early and the assistant came and got me right away. At least I thought she was the assistant. It turns out that my normal lady (Maria - how much I love you Maria) has Tuesdays off now and they hired a new girl to work that day. Ok, no big deal, I can handle someone different cleaning my teeth. So we chat, she seems nice but a little odd, probably not someone I would choose to associate with on a personal level, but nice. We begin chatting (as best y0u can with someones hands in your mouth) and she couldn't stop complimenting me on my teeth (I have nice teeth - no braces ever and very straight and white) and I told her that when I was little I used to have a HUGE gap between my front teeth (it closed on it's own later - I don't' know why I felt I needed to share that, anyway).

She asked if I was ever teased about it and I said no I was teased for other things. And then she asked what I was teased about. And here is where I take partial blame for the way things ended and I probably shouldn't have said anything but it was early, I hadn't had any caffeine and it came out of my mouth before I even knew what I was saying. I said I developed early and that is why I was teased.


What happened next I would have never expected in my whole life - she lifted up the little dental drape they put around your neck and LOOKED AT MY BOOBS! Then she nodded and said something about nice boobies or something and I was TOTALLY MORTIFIED. If that wasn't bad enough she kept going - saying how she shouldn't' be telling me these things but felt we had bonded and proceeded to tell me icky things about her and her boyfriend. I thought I was going to throw up. BUT!! What do you do when she has pointy sharp things in your mouth and you are in a reclined chair? You do nothing. At least if you are a big old chicken like me.


So I told Mr. Sparky and he of course got mad and wanted me to do something about it and I wanted to die of embarrassment and do nothing about it. He had an appointment today and told our regular Maria that something had happened and she TOTALLY KNEW WHO IT WAS AND THAT SOMETHING BAD HAD HAPPENED. Then she got mad.

After his appointment was done, she walked him to the front and asked the wonderful front office lady what day my next appointment was on - it was scheduled for a TUESDAY- and I didn't even know it. Marie immediately said to change it and the front office lady KNEW that something bad happened. She told Mr. Sparky she thought something had happened by the way I acted after the appointment and was curious at the time but couldn't' ask because the offending party was standing right there!

Oh my. I am glad that it was brought to the open because obviously they have had an issue with her or they wouldn't have reacted this way and who knows how many other people she has been inappropriate with and they have been too scared/em brassed to say anything. Now I have to make another appointment and I'm afraid the topic will come up. I just don't want to talk about it. Yuck.

It took me eight hours to write this post. Mondays stink.

The Letter - Part II

The letter is finished and at the printers as we speak. Tomorrow it will be mailed off with a $1,000 to our agency and the wait will begin.

I am relieved. No . . . . I am . . . . I am a mixed bag of emotions.

This ends the busyrunningaroundcollectingofinformation phase and I am not too sure what exactly I am supposed to do now. We have every document accounted for and turned in, we have the nursery (pictures to come once I get Mr. Sparky to move the dresser....again), there is nothing more we can buy (because we don't know what we are having and we don't' have any money).

I suppose I could touch up the paint in the baby's room, I do need to paint the outlet covers and straighten a few of the stripes.

I am not good at the waiting thing. I never have been. I LOVE instant gratification. With this adoption thing, it is hard to explain the emotions. I know what the outcome will be - a baby. I just do not have a time line. And I hate not having a time line.

I feel so unprepared. Not with the physical stuff -crib, car seat, etc. But with the emotional stuff that is just lingering around the corner. I don't know if YOU know this, but apparently there will be a living, breathing child at the end of this that WE will be responsible for. And that is mind blowing.

There is just so much I am not ready for...

The Letter

We finally have a letter. Luckily for me my mom's an editor so after our case worker told us it looked good I sent it off to my mom and she made some changes.

If you wouldn't mind, I'm going to post it here and have you all see what you think - basically I need you all to pat me on the back and say really encouraging things like - "Oh Nessa that is the BEST birthmother letter I've ever read. EVER!" or "Wow, who wouldn't want to pick you guys!" You know, things like that.

A girl does like to get her ego stroked every now and then.

So here it is (obviously I've changed a few things - Mr. Sparky wasn't really born in Middle Earth and I was not born in Narnia. Obviously).

Hi, we’re Mr. Sparky and Nessa (and our four-legged baby, Austin). We’d like to thank you for taking the time to get to know us a little better. Hopefully, we will soon get to know you too. There is no way we could ever fully appreciate the hard decisions that you are facing today, but we want you to know that we pray for you and your health as well as your baby every day.

We have been married for three and a half years and each of us feels as though we married our best friend. The day after Thanksgiving 2003 we met on a blind date. By the third date we knew we were meant for each other. A little less than a year later, on October 16, 2004, we were married in Nessa's parents’ backyard. Both of us grew up in Arizona: Mr. Sparky was born and raised in Middle Earth, moving to the Podunk area in 1999, and Nessa was born in Narnia, moving to Phoenix with her parents and older brothers at age five. After we were married, Nessa joined Mr. Sparky in Podunk. We now live in a quiet neighborhood in Litlle Podunk with a great park right down the street. Our house sits on a large lot with plenty of room for kids to run and play. In fact, Austin loves to run around and play fetch out there. Well, mostly we just play chase, but he’s learning!

Before we were married we started dreaming of the family we would one day build together. Nessa has wanted to be a mom since she could say the word “baby” and Mr. Sparky has always looked forward to that “someday” when he would get the chance to be a dad. Since Mr. Sparky was adopted as a newborn, we always knew that we would include adoption in our family planning at some point. After several years of trying to conceive, God led us to recognize that “some point” was now.

Friends & Family
We treasure our relationships with friends and family. Nessa's parents, brother’s and their families, as well as a few aunts and uncles, live in Phoenix and are all very close knit. We love to play games, have BBQs, and spend as much time together as possible. Watching her brother’s children grow up (they are now teenagers!) has been a great experience for Nessa. She loved to participate in their care and be part of their lives. And now Nessa's mom is definitely ready for another baby in the family! Mr. Sparky is an only child and his mom lives in Phoenix while his grandparents and father still live in Middle Earth. He is very close to his mom and we try to see his grandparents several times a year.

Even though we don’t have family here in the Podunk area we have been blessed with incredibly caring friends. We belong to a small group at our church with several other couples all going through the parenting experience at the same time, so we have a wealth of knowledge and experience at our fingertips. Our small group has been amazing through this whole process, praying for us and always offering their support in any way possible. We also have a close knit group of friends in Phoenix that we keep in constant touch with and Nessa has a particularly amazing friend who has been by her side through thick and thin.

Church
Our faith in Christ is our foundation. We have relied on that strength to get us through the inevitable rocky episodes in life and have been blessed by it in the joyous times. We are very involved in our church—more of an extended family, really—and feel settled and at home there. We know that God has brought us here and has a perfect plan for our family. We cannot wait to raise our children in a Godly, warm and caring atmosphere and to share Jesus Christ with them.

Mr. Sparky from Nessa's Viewpoint
Mr. Sparky is an amazing husband and he will make an amazing father. He his very caring and has a sensitive heart, and yet has a quiet strength that I can rely on and respect. His character and integrity will provide a solid and positive role model for our children. There is no way I could have chosen a better husband and best friend than Mr. Sparky. I’m excited about spending the rest of my life with him and raising a family with him.

His love for the outdoors is second only to his love for me. Anything that involves the outside is at the top of his favorites list—camping, hiking, back-roading, and traveling all over Arizona.

Mr. Sparky has worked in law enforcement for the last nine years and absolutely loves his job! In December of 2007 he graduated from the police academy and is now a Patrol Deputy with the Podunk County Sheriff’s Office. Before that he was a Sergeant for the detention side of the Sheriff’s Office. At age three he would walk around arresting family members and putting them in “jail”! His cautious nature and measured responses have suited him perfectly to achieving his dream of becoming a police officer.

Quick Facts About Mr. Sparky:
Favorite Movie: Back to the Future
Favorite Desert: Chocolate cake
Favorite Music/Bands: Christian, 80’s music, Cold Play, Justin Unger, Chris Tomlin
Favorite Food: Steak and potatoes
Favorite Drink: Coca Cola

Nessa from Mr. Sparky’s Viewpoint
With her natural affinity toward children, Nessa was designed by God to be a mom. If she loves our children half as much as she does me, they will be the most loved children in the world. She is very supportive of my dreams and goals. Quite frankly, I wouldn’t be the man I am today without her. She takes very good care of me, Austin and our house – she makes our house a real home.

For the last year and a half Nessa has managed the office of a small law firm in the area. Her passions include Jesus first and foremost, then reading, anything outdoorsy, music, cooking and crafts. Nessa has played the piano since she was five. Music soothes her and is such a huge element of her inner being that she can’t wait to share that special part of her with a little one.

Quick Facts About Nessa:
Favorite Movie: White Christmas
Favorite Desert: Black Forest Cake
Favorite Music/Bands: Christian Music, Classical, Frank Sinatra, Justin Unger, Police
Favorite Food: Mashed Potatoes
Favorite Drink: Diet Dr. Pepper


Well, there you have it. I have a boat load of pictures (we're allowed 6 pages to do whatever we want to them) that we (me and my friend S) will put togethe(scapbook) tomorrow night and then it will get sent off to the agency. And then this whole silliness of letters and perfection will be put behind me.

Let me know what you guys think. I really value your opinions and input!

Mish-Mash and Other Exciting Jumble

Testing...

Testing.. 1...2..3...

Is this thing on?

Hello???

Is anyone still out there?? (I'd really be surprised)



I hate it when I open a blog and it's this huge post about about why the blogger hasn't been posting. So I won't do that. . . too much.

It's just that things have been really overwhelming and work has sucked ( I almost got fired, it was all very dramatic and whatnot) and yeah. So that's all I'm going to say about that.


Things are moving along quite steadily on the adoption front. We had our final home study appointment on May 30 and it went really well. That was also the day I almost got fired. So it was a mixed bag kind of day with LOTS of crying.


I cannot tell you how much I love our case worker. If we had met under any other circumstances we would have been best friends by now, swapping stories and recipes and getting mani/pedi's together. Except I don't often get mani/pedi's or swap recipes with my friends. The last appointment is at our home, she comes and inspects it to make sure there aren't any dangers lurking in the wings waiting to snatch a tiny helpless babe if they should deem us acceptable. I had been working myself up about this meeting for weeks! Would my house be clean enough, would it be ok that we only had two bedrooms (but they're big!) and no grass anywhere to be found (unless you count the mass attack of weeds as grass, but hey, we've been busy so back off).

The night before, I had these grand plans to scrub the crap out of my house. But see? I am not a cleaner, so guess what I did instead - well, I don't really remember but it surely wasn't cleaning. So Friday morning before our appointment at 10:00 (hello my name is Nessa and I am a PROCRASTINATOR extraordinaire) Mr. Sparky and I cleaned every nook and cranny that hadn't been touched since we moved in almost two years ago. Guess how much time she looked at the house. A grand total of 5 minutes. She didn't even look in the back yard to see if we had any pools or a spas that a potential child could fall in to ( because dude, our agency will make you board up the in ground spa and most couples just back fill them in!). She said our house was cute and that was that. I love this woman!


Before the enjoyable tour, because seriously who doesn't love to show off their home, we had our one-on-one meetings. They save these until last and I am very grateful for that because it would have been AWKWARD if it had been the first meeting we had with her. She asks really hard and uncomfortable questions like , "How's your sex life?" and other such nonsense. My reply? How do you think it is? We've been trying to have a kid for the last 2.5 years with no luck and I have a disease that makes it super un-fun. But really, according to her our sex life is really good compared to most couples they see, so yeah for us I guess.

But I digress - so much has happened since I wrote the above paragraphs(I can't even remember the date I wrote them...that is how long it has been since I've even thought about writing. Except of course for the bird poop post cuz dude? That was gross!). Things at work have gotten a little better. They hired a woman to work part time until I need to leave and then she takes over full time until I come back then back to part time. But you get that, you're smart and apparently I am lucky since most employers do not do this where I live.

Today however was a day I will never forget. It was simultaneously the best and worst day I've had in a long time, which doesn't make much sense, but . . . whatever. So yesterday there was this meeting at our agency and our case worker presented us again (with the myriad of info she gained from our last meeting -but not the sex stuff. She promised she wouldn't talk about the sex stuff) and apparently we are so dazzling and we would make such wonderful parents they approved us right away. That's right folks - Nessa and Mr. Sparky are officially ON THE LIST!

Except there is a hitch in our giddy-up. We cannot write our letter. How do you write this mysterious letter that the woman who will choose us to be the parents of her child? How do you not sound like a total jack-ass nor like a pompous tool? If any of you know the answer's to these questions, please please fill me in. We have known about this letter for months yet all we have is a rough draft ( I would post it here for your expertise and words of wisdom but it has too much identifiable info and that would creep the Mr. out). A ROUGH DRAFT people, that is it. So our goal is to finish that by Monday so we can be chosen, because without the letter it does us no good to be on this list. Truly.

You can see the good that today brought, but one is probably wondering how at all this could be the worst day as well. Tomorrow is my surrogate grandfather's funeral and I just found out about it today. I will not be in attendance as it is two hours away and I cannot take the time off of work. So Bert/Ernie (do not ask it is too long to explain why he has two names - just know it involves toupees) I do not know your relationship with Christ, so I don't know where you are at the moment, but I'm glad you are no longer suffering on this world and I miss you. Also a friend of my parents died suddenly on Tuesday. She was in her mid-50's and had been having horrid stomach aches. They did an ultrasound and found some fibroid tumors in her uterus. Monday they went to remove them and when the doctor opened her up he immediately closed her up and told her husband there was nothing he could do, there was too much cancer (I still don't know how they got from fibroids to cancer, but whatever) and they should make her comfortable for her last few months. She died the next day.

So our joy is overshadowed by two deaths, one expected the other not. It makes me sad to think that a husband will no longer have his best friend to share the rest of his life with, that so suddenly the life he knew is no more.

But enough sad stuff - I'm starting to get really weepy and I'm all alone - it's a celebration day, a day of excitement and of new beginnings.


(Thank you to the one person still reading, it means a lot!)

Yoka - I have not forgotten about you. In fact I am going to send you an e-mail right now.

The Grossest Thing Ever... or...Why I Really Do Not Like Birds

Last night we were going to grill salmon. Mr. Sparky went outside to start the grill and seconds later he's calling me out there. All over our grill (the inside mind you) was bird poop and the beginnings of a nest! They have been crawling up through the holes in the bottom to freaking POOP IN OUR GRILL.

I am utterly disgusted. It' s probably payback for moving the nest(and the egg) that had made it's home on top of our front porch light. I was going to take a picture for you, but Mr. Sparky took it down before I could.**

This just reinforces my already FIRM feelings that birds, all birds (even the really majestic and pretty ones) are disgusting and I do not want them anywhere near my home.

Do you hear that birdies??? I will SHOOT YOU WITH OUR SHOTGUN UNTIL THERE ARE NO MORE OF YOU!!!!!

I have a post brewing with actual content soon.

** In our defense we did not know there was an egg until he had gotten it down and then he put it in a safe place. At least it was safe until the gale force winds came down and blew the thing right out of the tree.

Anonymity

Many things are done anonymously, but why? Why is it that people wouldn't want recognition for the things they've done. In a society that is so me-me-me it seems almost preposterous that anyone wouldn't want to take credit for the good deed they've done.

Yet there are people out there who are selfless, who want only the deed to shine and not their actions to be center stage. These people amaze me. I have done good deeds anonymously before, I try to do a good deed on the down-low as often as I can. I want the benefactor of the deed to be blessed by whatever it is being done and not focus on thanking me.

Very rarely are Mr. Sparky and I on the receiving end of an anonymous deed. And that's ok, that's not what this post is about. This post is about being loved by someone so much that they don't want the credit for whatever it is they've done, they only want us to be blessed by it.

For instance, last night we received a letter from someone we know. Before I opened the letter I knew what was inside and with anticipation and a little fear opened it up. I read the letter out loud and stopped when I got to the paragraph in which this person asked for complete anonymity. We could tell people we received the gift from a person, just not name that person. And I understand why. This person has traveled through our path (not the infertility, but the adoption), has been blessed financially through their business and wants to help us become a family. The only reason this person told us who they are is because of the adoption connection, and wanted to impart some very wise words to us.

It will be easy to keep this person's identity a secret in the fact that it will honor their wishes, but part of me wants to yell at the top of my lungs that this person, whom I've loved dearly since before time has gotten us $5,000 closer to our goal, closer to our child. This person was led by God to give to us by what would seem to us a total fluke, an accident.

So thank you anonymous, thank you for pushing us closer to our dream. Our child will always know of your generosity, of your selfless act and we will never forget this.

Memorial Day - A Day Late and A Dollar Short

Because I was ensconced(is that even the right word?) in paint all day yesterday I didn't get a chance to put this up.

Thank you to everyone who is sacrificing everything for our freedom right now. For our freedom to do whatever we want, including post random thoughts freely on the internet. Thank you to the families who are sacrificing time spent with their loved ones, months without spouses, milestones without parents.

Thank you Dad for serving your country during Vietnam.

Thank you Uncle Bill for re-enlisting and uprooting your family from their comfortable home in Louisiana to Germany so you can serve your country in TWO wars.

Thank you Matthew, my cousin, for putting your role as a father on hold so that your daughter's future freedom will be secured while you are being a Black Hawk Crew Chief in the worst place on earth.

Your dedication and service will NEVER be forgotten. Not by those that love you, nor by those who pray for you every day, even though they've never met you. I love you three very much and am very proud of you all.

Today is the Day *UPDATED

In three minutes our case worker will be presenting us before our agency's approval board. I think it would be fair to say I'm a tad bit nervous. Just a tad.

We should hear sometime this afternoon whether or not we've been approved. I can't imagine why we wouldn't, but if we aren't I'm sure it will be for something little and easily fixed. I hope. And pray.

Please let us be approved, please let us be approved, please let us be approved.

** UPDATE**
I just got a message from our case worker and the board has some more questions. So we are in limbo right now - not approved and not denied. Our last meeting will be May 30th and we should be able to get things cleared up after that.

Not really sure how I'm feeling right now. I really wanted a definitive answer and I didn't get one. I know that this isn't a bad thing, E (case worker) told us this could very well happen. So we wait. Which is ok, I guess. We've waited this long I don't see why we can't wait another two weeks.

Word Vomit Part I (is anyone else as disgusted by that word as I am?)

So much has happened in the last few weeks and my brain has shut down. I dont' know how to write about it all, it's rather overwhelming. But it shouldn't be. This is the first since we started trying to have a kid that things have been, well, easy. And now I choose to freeze. Go figure.

Our first home study was May 5th. Almost two whole weeks ago and I haven't even thought of writing about it. I suppose it was due to the overload the garage sale created, but dude. Two weeks? Without a single desire to post? Whatever is holding me back from posting about this stuff is also keeping me from writing our birthparent letter.

The first meeting went great. We meet with E down in Phx and we did our family trees. Just back to grandparents and only aunts/uncles who were influential in our lives. Thank goodness, because I have 12 aunts and uncles and I can't even count how many cousins I have. Ooooh - I just counted and I have 29 first cousins, some I haven't seen since I was in junior high so I don't think they really count. Can you imagine doing a family tree with all those people? Luckily Mr. Sparky's was really easy - his family is kind of...different.

After we drew our trees and labled the people we had to discuss our relationships with each person and their relationships with the other people on our tree. It was really interesting because we could see patterns, good and bad, and we discussed which ones we would keep and what we would do differently. For instance, I have a lot of alcoholism on my side of the family, in fact most of my cousins have been through rehab, some several times. And Mr. Sparky's mom is an alcoholic (even if she doesn't think so, she is).

E asked us how we combat that and it was pretty simple - Mr. Sparky doesn't drink, period. I may have a drink if we go out somewhere really really special, but it has to be really really special. And we don't keep alcohol in the house. When my parents come up they always bring beer and wine. And I will drink some of their beer and wine. They usually leave the wine because it isn't really smart to travel with an open container here in the great state of Arizona (or anywhere for that matter). And you know what? I usually end up throwing out the blessed wine a month later. And it always makes me sad.

So that took two hours and then we went to BRU and bought weird things like a car seat and other essential things we cannot live without the first week home with a baby. Because this whole thing we're doing apparently ends in a baby. Who knew. Now, I'm not sure what I'm about to say is good or bad but each trip to the baby store gets a little less stressfull, a little less angsty. We know the layout know fairly well and can easily run in and out in less than 15 minutes to buy what we need. Each time we make a trip to Phx we are now stopping there, picking up essentials a little bit at a time. We really go for the daipers because you cannot buy the kind we want in bulk here in Podunk. And those diapers are so soft and snuggly and smell so absolutley wonderful! It's hard to imagine that we will be responsible for a being that is THAT SMALL.

I just erased two whole paragraphs full of interesting and stimulating tidbits, but this was turning into a novel so it will have to wait until next time. It took me two hours to write this. I really need to quit work so I can blog.

The War

We're all touched one way or another by the war in Iraq. Whether we support the war or not, whether we believe the current president is an ass or not, or whether we think a certain candidate for the 08 election will be the savior to right all things or not, there are men and women out there.

The majority of people in the U.S. support the troops. I have friends and family over there and I'll be damned it I'm going to let how I feel about our current government affect my feelings towards them, towards the heroes.

They make sacrifices for our freedom and our ability to do and say whatever it is we feel like. Everyday they face the fact they could die. Sacrifice. The more frequently forgotten sacrifices however are left stranded behind. Whether on a base somewhere around the world or right here in your home town, wives and husbands, children and siblings are left behind. Being forced to grow up without mom or dad there, being forced to parent alone.

There is something we can do to help. Mrs. Flinger is donating a dollar for every comment left on her post to her brother-in-law who was shipped out on May 3rd. All YOU have to do is leave a comment, nothing witty or thought provoking needed. Just a comment and you will be giving to a family in need. So pop on over and say a few words and know that you just helped a heroes' family.

You want me to do what?

My boss just made me do math. I am an english person, not a mathematical person. If a problem requires me to go higher than ten and I am not wearing sandals? I am screwed. I just finished an accountants job and I do not care to ever do it again thank you very much. I almost cried.

I have oodles of things to write about and do not have the ambition to do so. I also have a birth-mom letter to write and also do not have the inclination to do so. I am procrastinating on every level of my life right now. My brain is done working now that the home study is mostly finished and the serious thinking and answering is for the most part done. I think my brain went on vacation without me. How rude.

Totally over the whole thing already

I don't know why THIS came as a suprise because it shouldn't.

Don't you think she could share some of the fertility? Just a little?

Good for them if that's what they want. But I find it a little disconcerting that their daughter's watch the calandar like hawks. Shouldn't that be Michelle's doing?

One of the longest weekends on record

$1,949.61

That is how much we made at our garage sale. We are in shock and awe. There is no way we should have ever made that much money, but God is in control. It was a really fun time. We were all really tired and cranky by Sunday afternoon, but I wouldn't trade the experience for anything in the world.

We put up signs at the sale that said, THANK YOU All proceeds go to our adoption fund. So of course everyone asked about it and we got to share a little and we got to hear a lot. We had a few people share their adoption stories and we had people just give us money with out buying anything. We also got to witness to a few people. We kept the local christian music station on all day and people would comment or whatnot and a conversation would start. My dad even got to hear one woman's testimony about how she came from drugs and alcohol, spent 20 years in prison and is now leading a youth group at a local church!

Sunday my parents left around 11:00 am and Mr. Sparky and I decided to close up shop at 12:00. We didn't, we just kind of left things going for a little while and people would straggle in and buy a few things. About a 1/2 hour after the last person left a woman and her daughter pulled up and started shopping. We started talking and she asked if we were Christians and vice versa. Then the adoption talk came up and she told me her story. She had gotten pregnant at 17 and her parents shipped her off to a detention center in LA. While there she accepted Christ and really prayed about what to do with the baby. She really felt God wanted her to keep the baby so she did. Her mother had placed her older sister up for adoption and she didn't feel like she could do it, but she said she does feel adoption is amazing. So she cried a little and we talked alot and they bought some things then left. As I was cleaning up she came back. Her daughter ran up to me and handed me a wad of cash. It was all the money they had and they wanted us to have it!

I can't tell you the amount of times I cried this weekend because of people's generosity. It was totally overwhelming. This just cements my belief that God is in control of this thing and we will be a family very soon.

Our first home study appointment was yesterday and it went really well. We drove down to Phx and met with E (our case worker) and had a great two our meeting. Our next meeting was for this Friday, but she had to reschedule to next Monday. So another trip to Phx is in order, but it's Mother's Day anyway and we'll just spend the night on Sunday. She will be presenting us before our agency's board on May 20 and once they approve we can be put in the book.

We stopped by BRU and bought our car seat and some of the things we will need for the baby. We're holding off on anything that isn't necessary and will borrow things until we have a shower. I think we will have a baby very soon. I also think we are having a girl, but who knows!

The office is getting overhauled into a nursery and the walls will be painted this weekend or next. The crib is waiting to be put together and the bedding will be ordered after the house gets put back together. I couldn't wait and took the car seat out of the box yesterday and it's sitting in the baby's room. I found myself walking in their yesterday for no reason just staring and dreaming. This is really happening, and fast.

Never Fails

The phone ALWAYS rings while in the process of putting lotion on my hands. My phone is now a pasty white color, thank you.

Tomorrow is our huge garage sale. I've advertised on Craigslist(I LOVE YOU CRAIGSLIST! WILL YOU MARRY ME?) and in the paper. We've already had a few people scope out the place this morning and a man came by after I left for work to take a look at the dog run. AND HE BOUGHT IT. For $250! We were asking $300 but knew we wouldn't get it, so $250 is great! What a way to start!

My friend S told me yesterday that we have more stuff than she's ever seen at a garage sale, which is comforting. I've been really worried that we don't have enough stuff. But last night my fears were put to rest when a friend of ours came over with a huge trailor filled with stuff. Guess where we had to put it? On our front porch because the garage is at capacity! Literally there is only a foot wide path that goes through the garage and we there is just enough room to open the dryer.

So, a busy weekend begins. My parents are coming up tonight with MORE STUFF and our nursery furniture, along with an extra crib for us to sell that was given to them.

Our first homestudy appointment is on Monday in Phx. It's at 9:00 which means we'll have to leave our house no later than 7:00 a.m. to make sure we get there in time. Traffic on the I-17 can be a bear in the mornings. Say a prayer for us, we'll need it.

A Friend for Life

I've mentioned my friend S here before. Hi S! She's the only RL person besides Mr. Sparky that knows about this here website. I want to tell you a little about S. Because she rocks.

I met her in August of 2005 after I was hired to be a secretary for the company she works for. She came to train me, as we were in different locations, and we hit it off immediately. Never before had I ever "clicked" with anyone like that. And she will more than likely tell you that the same is true with her.

We spent most of our "free" time at work on the phone with each other. So much time in fact, I ended up getting in trouble for it. But it was worth it. It kind of felt like we were dating, in the way you don't want to stop talking to the person, it was that enjoyable.

S has been there for me through this whole baby roller coaster. She was one of the first "outside" people I told. And we planned and plotted and how exciting it was going to be! We talked about everything, planned for everything. We even dreamed about being pregnant at the same time!

Then when things got rough, she was still there for me. Even though she didn't get it, she never let on. She was always willing to let me cry and rant about the unfairness of it all. Sharing my broken heart with her was easier at times than sharing with Mr. Sparky. She has never once said a hurtful thing regarding this journey, and we all know how easy it is to do. But no, not S. She has always been sympathetic and loving.

Our relationship works out well. Her husband is a firefighter and mine is a cop. So there are overlapping times when we are both alone and we spend time together. It never is as much as we would like and we have to FORCE ourselves to find the time some months, but when we are together it's great. I can be free in front of her, let me "true" self be shown. In fact last night I pumped while she was there, walking around with my boob on high suction while we worked on the garage sale.

And this is where true friendship shows. We have told our small group for awhile about our garage sale and not one couple/person has offered to help or donate. And that's not why we told them, but nothing. Not one offer. But S, she has called almost every other day to ask what she can do, and she's been amazing.

I get very overwhelmed with all of this because I want it to be perfect. And Mr. Sparky really hasn't been able to help, so without S, I'd be a basket case. She's come over at least two nights a week for the past three weeks to help organize and price. Without her I would still be staring at my overflowing garage crying.

Last night we had planned for her to come over to help. She brought her dinner (she's now trying out veganism, so I have very little "approved" food for her) and some cd's and we were going to get serious. When she walked through the door she was holding a six pack of Mike's Hard Cranberry Lem*nade. It was going to be a fun night. We got to working and drinking after Mr. Sparky left for work and an hour into it, she looked at me sheepishly and said she had a confession.

Immediately my head started to wonder what was going on. Of course the drama queen that I am jumped to the worst case scenario. But you know what it was? She admitted she had read the previous entry. In her car was her super blender (you DO NOT want to know how much this woman paid for a blender. It will make you sick!) and she was getting ready to head to the store to buy margarita mix, chips and salsa! Isn't she amazing!!! If there was ever a doubt about how much I love this woman, it was wiped away last night in my kitchen. I hugged her and couldn't let her go. Of course, I ruined the whole thing because I had called her super excited about something and so she rushed over without making it to the store.

But that's ok. It's the fact that S took the time to do something for me to make me happy. Because she loves me.

So S. Thank you (and J for letting me hog your wife) for being an amazing friend. A friend who has made living in a small town far from family amazing. I can't wait to share the rest of lifes joys and sorrows with you. I love you.

This may make me sound ungrateful, but I'm not, I promise

I cannot wait until all this stuff is over.
And by stuff I mean everyday life at the moment(not in the suicidal way, just in the I NEED A BREAK way).

The things that I CANNOT WAIT TO BE OVER:

1. Preparing for the garage sale
2. Baring my soul and most intimate secrets to a stranger (the stranger who will be deciding whether or not we get to be parents)
3. Looking at baby stuff - there is so much crap and I want to breath!
4. Preparing for the garage sale (I know I've already mentioned this, but I'm totally overwhelmed with the amount of stuff that we have and that I still have to go through and price before SATURDAY)

The things that I CANNOT REMEMBER DOING IN A LONG TIME:

1. I don't remember the last time I read a book that didn't involve adoption or wasn't baby related. I do know the last magazine I read - it was S.W.A.T. or maybe POLICE, it was the only thing in the house non-baby related that didn't require major brain function.
2. A manicure or a pedicure. I think it may have been sometime LAST spring, as in a year ago.
3. My boobs haven't seen any excitement in the past week that hasn't been related to a breast pump.**
4. Looking at BRU online and thinking, "Oh how cute is that?" instead it's "Get what you need and GET OUT!" and the baby isn't even here yet.
5. I cannot remember having a conversation with someone from church that hasn't involved our reproductive plans and/or adoption plans. WHY WON'T YOU ASK ME SOMETHING ELSE!
6. A quiet night with Mr. Sparky, sans baby talk, sans adoption talk, sans breast pump.
7. Cleaning my house. It has been weeks. Seriously.

I know this sounds horribly ungrateful but shoot. Every girl has her limits and I just need a break. And a big ole' margarita. Mmmmm. With chips and salsa. Mmmmmmmmmm.

** - This is possibly the saddest thing I have ever written in the history of my life. It is also sad that I am sharing this with the internets. Apparently I have no shame. I am ok with this.

More Blessings

On Saturday we had our last class to take with our agency. It was the infertility class and there was supposed to be us and the two other couples we took the first classes with. We were the only ones who showed.

As we waited for the class to begin I kept thinking to myself that it was going to be a huge waste of time and what, if anything, was God (really I was think me) going to get out of this class with just us? I was actually really annoyed. Mr. Sparky got home at 6:30 that morning and the class was at 9:30 so he never went to bed. We didn't even start until after 10:30! I was really ticked that this was taking so long, I wanted him to go home and go to bed.

Well for all my grumbling and annoyance of the way the morning was going, it turned out to be the biggest blessing! What I didn't know at the time was if the other couples had shown up we would have had to make ANOTHER appointment with the counselor down in Phoenix. We ended up having a really good conversation with the counselor and I got to deal with some old issues and she thought that we were both in a really good place! She even told us that E (our case worker) might be able to present us before the board by the middle of next month! Which means our letter can go in the book by the middle of next month!

It's amazing what happens when we just put everything in God's hands. It's the hardest thing ever, but I know that He is going to make this experience glorify Him. And the blessings just keep on coming.

Last night we had a bon fire at one of the couples from our small groups house. They live out in the boonies and it was beautiful! All the stars and the lights from town (they are perched on top of a hill), it was so relaxing. Anyway, the girls were all talking about breastfeeding and other such nonsense and it turn out one of the girls has an extra electric double pump and she is going to just give it to me!

I really cannot imagine going through any of this without being a believer. It would be devastating not to know that there was a greater plan in store for us. Not knowing God is in control would be the worst.

Where did THAT come from?

Yesterday I had an appointment with my favorite (don't know what she is, RN? NP?) at my OBGYN's. I see Ann Marie since I despise the doctor at the practice and since it is very likely that I will never deliver a child, I don't need to worry about it.

I made the appointment to discuss inducing lactation with her. Even though I have done a ton of research on it myself, I love and respect this woman and wanted to know what she thought and if she had had any experience with it. When I made the appointment they asked what it was for (I HATE this - even though I know they must know, I hate it) I told them an infertility check-up.

I show up and we start talking about the progesterone I am/was taking and she brought up cl*mid. I hadn't told her about the adoption yet and immediately my heart said YES!! GIVE ME THE CLOMID I WANT TO HAVE A BABY! And I almost started to cry.

And I'm not exactly sure why. We know there is a possibility that we could get pregnant since we have no known cause. We also know we may never get pregnant. I am so emotionally involved in this adoption, it's what we want, it's what we are preparing for. In fact, I haven't tracked my cycle (except on FF so I know if my periods get all wonky, but NO tracking of ovulation) since the beginning of the year. I haven't even thought of sex as a way to get pregnant, which is rather nice I might add.

So where is this emotion coming from? I know in my heart I still want to be pregnant and have a biological child. I want there to be that connection between my husband and myself. I want to feel our child grow and kick and experience the excitement of having my body deliver our child.

Last night I was very cranky. In fact I have been for the past week. Much more so than any typical PMS I've had, so I don't know if it's the stress of the home study and the garage sale or I'm dealing with some weird closure emotions or what. But my emotions yesterday after the appointment totally took me for a loop.

I know I want this adoption. I want to be a mom and God has made it clear that is where we are headed. So why all of a sudden does this happen? Why is this emotion slapping me in the face? Why do I feel like I'm being traitorous to the family that is waiting to be created through adoption?

I do not do well with other peoples blood

Mr. Sparky always gets bloody noses, it's just his thing. So I've gotten used to most mornings entailing a few bloody tissues in the bathroom trash can. This morning was no different.

He got home from work while I was getting ready and blew his nose (allergies are HORRENDOUS right now in Podunk and we are both suffering. It also doesn't help that he spends most nights in the cold dry dusty outside air). And of course he got a bloody nose. Like I said earlier, totally normal and not a big deal. Except this one didn't stop, and didn't stop, and didn't' stop. He kept bleeding for 25 minutes.

Now, being one who has had MAYBE 3 bloody noses EVER, I think I have learned fairly well how to handle a bloody nose since being married to Mr. Sparky. I told him to sit down, tilt his head forward and pinch his nose at the base of the bridge. So he did and he kept going through tissue after tissue.

He kept doing this while I was finishing getting ready for work and for some reason I poked my head out of the bathroom and realized there were GOBS of blood all over the cream (I think that's the color it's supposed to be, but I could very well be wrong. It looks more like oatmeal to me. We really need to get our carpets cleaned) carpet and streams of blood running down our white bench in front of the bed. I called my mom to see what would get that much blood out of white and carpet (all the while assuming his nose would eventually STOP BLEEDING) and my dad answered.

Half way through my question ***YOU MAY WANT TO STOP READING IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH. I AM GETTING QUEASY JUST WRITING THIS*** I looked over and saw Mr. Sparky stand up, remove the tissue from his face and hold his head over the trash can. CLOTS and STREAMS of blood poured from his face and I may have said, "Holy S*&^, we have to go to the hospital" and hung up on my dad.

I have never been so grossed out in my entire life. Really. There is no way I could be a cop/firefighter/EMS/nurse/doctor anything that has to deal with other's bodily fluids. I get faint if I slice my OWN finger open. What am I going to do when we get a kid??

Anyway, we didn't have to go to the hospital because Mr. Sparky did stop hemorrhaging after that last gush and it's a good thing. I may have fainted if they had to cauterize his nose!

And the worst part? He kept chasing me around the bedroom trying to get me to look at the massacre in the trash can! What an ass. But I did feel bad for him, he lost a lot of blood and he looked like he had been in a bad accident. The lower part of his face and most of his t-shirt was COVERED in blood. Gross.

I ordered him to take a shower and NEVER DO THAT AGAIN. I was late to work because I needed to get the blood trail out of the carpet and bench before it stained. Oh well, as Mr. Sparky would say -just preparing you for kids!